Page 8 | Not invited to best friends daughters wedding, asked to look after her dog!

Lorrymum · 2023-04-22T15:59:07+00:00

My friend of almost 40 years" daughter is getting married in the next few months. We have been very close, Christmas, birthdays, family bbqs etc. Having spent months hearing about venues, dresses, menus etc. I have discovered I am not invited to the wedding. Fair enough, its her daughters wedding and she probably has no say as to who is invited. Today my friend rang to ask a "huge favour." Would I look after her daughters dog during the wedding and the festivities? Not just pop in to walk and feed him but sleep overnight for 2 days? I am now really cheesed off. Not good enough for the wedding but good enough to look after the bloody dog! I don't want to risk our friendship but am trying to think of a plausible excuse. Wedding in 5 months.

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 20:59

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 22/04/2023 20:46

It is illuminating to see how many PP think OP should be deeply flattered by the Great Compliment of being selected to look after an unfriendly dog for the weekend, for free. What planet are you on?

Right????

😂😂😂

Galectable · 22/04/2023 21:04

It's the bride's dog! I would be peeved too. Fair enough you may not get an invitation to the wedding despite being a life long friend to the mother of the bride, but for them to turn around and ask you to have the bride's DOG for 2+ days...!! No, no, no. I would feel used. It almost sounds like they planned it that way. I'd say "Sorry no, I can't take on that responsibility. It would be safer in a boarding kennel."

billy1966 · 22/04/2023 21:05

I would imagine only very close friends would be invited to the dress shopping.

I certainly wouldn't have been that close to any of my mothers friends, or anything near it.

They came to our wedding and we insisted on paying for our large-ish (150) wedding.

Just like I thought changing my name was an old fashioned idea, I also didn't, and dont hold with parents paying for weddings.

We were both in extremely well paid careers and certainly didn't need it to be paid for, however well meaning it might have been.

I can understand your hurt OP.

I certainly wouldn't be minding her dog, not your problem.

Knowledge is power.
I wouldn't make any comment or fuss, but it would be noted.

EffortlessDesmond · 22/04/2023 21:13

@ReplGirl our opinions are clearly so divergent that I am not even prepared to reply.

QueenoftheAngles · 22/04/2023 21:23

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 20:55

You make parents sound like schoolchildren, needing their friends there for 'entertainment'.
They have their own children, plus other family at the wedding presumably?

Also have you looked at the cost of organising one recently?

I know it's common for older people (since you make a snide comment about youth) to think that only 'insta weddings' are expensive but the truth is venue rental alone can cost a few grand for a place that's big enough. Not everyone lives somewhere with a 'cheap village hall'. Even rooms in pubs etc have the price pushed up for wedding, or insist you order from a more expensive menu to make the price up.

Also bear in mind that babysitting your children isn't a favour to them. It's a favour to you. Because it's your responsibility as a parent. Your children owe them nothing.

Whom you children DO owe is their own friends, who looked after their children (your grandchildren) etc. Not your friends. Unless you're helping them fund the wedding.

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I don’t think most people want their closest friends at their child’s wedding so they are entertained, my parents didn’t need them there but they were proud and happy and wanted to share the moment with people they were very close to and who’d seen me and my siblings grow up. They had no right to this, obviously, it wasn’t their wedding but I wanted certain people there because it made my parents happy and I’m close to them. Yes babysitting is for the parents but support for a family particularly when you’re a new parent or having a crisis from people you trust benefits your children as well. Our closest friends would be our children’s guardians if anything happened to us.

I’m a bit touchy about this, I looked at my wedding photos the other day and 15 years on there are some friends I don’t see anymore but my Dad’s best friend is there with my Dad having a laugh, a few months ago I spent hours in a hospice with him sitting at my Dad’s bedside as he died and he’s been a huge support to my Mum ever since. I’m glad he was at my wedding.

Totally get that weddings are pricey and guest lists can be complicated, going back to the OP I’m sure there are good reasons for the lack of invite but that doesn’t mean she can’t be a bit hurt by her best friends lack of sensitivity about the whole thing and as a more general point the attitude of your parents friends don’t really matter is, in my experience a bit naive (and unpleasant)

EffortlessDesmond · 22/04/2023 21:28

And no, I have been married, twice, and at neither occasion were more than 15 people invited. For economic reasons, which is shorthand for I married in the 1970s and in the early 1990s during severe recessions.

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 21:43

QueenoftheAngles · 22/04/2023 21:23

I don’t think most people want their closest friends at their child’s wedding so they are entertained, my parents didn’t need them there but they were proud and happy and wanted to share the moment with people they were very close to and who’d seen me and my siblings grow up. They had no right to this, obviously, it wasn’t their wedding but I wanted certain people there because it made my parents happy and I’m close to them. Yes babysitting is for the parents but support for a family particularly when you’re a new parent or having a crisis from people you trust benefits your children as well. Our closest friends would be our children’s guardians if anything happened to us.

I’m a bit touchy about this, I looked at my wedding photos the other day and 15 years on there are some friends I don’t see anymore but my Dad’s best friend is there with my Dad having a laugh, a few months ago I spent hours in a hospice with him sitting at my Dad’s bedside as he died and he’s been a huge support to my Mum ever since. I’m glad he was at my wedding.

Totally get that weddings are pricey and guest lists can be complicated, going back to the OP I’m sure there are good reasons for the lack of invite but that doesn’t mean she can’t be a bit hurt by her best friends lack of sensitivity about the whole thing and as a more general point the attitude of your parents friends don’t really matter is, in my experience a bit naive (and unpleasant)

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My condolences with regards to your father.

If you've managed to see my first post in this thread I'm actually in agreement with the OP - she was right to feel miffed and say she was too busy. But, the blame for all this lies solely on the shoulder's of her friend, the mother of the bride. Not the daughter! We don't even know whether the bride has even expressed an opinion on this at all.

In my native culture parents pay. And of course invite whom they want as well.. we have large weddings, but it doesn't cost a bomb. My parents are helping out with the UK wedding and having some of their friends here, which I was happy to oblige although the wedding is tiny. They told me in advance, I told them how many spaces I was willing to allocate and they were happy.

By contrast DP's family have not put their hands in their pockets, but want loads of people invited. They have a history of manipulative behaviour and accused me of various things (despite written evidence to the contrary).

Whatever we do they will not be happy. So why bother trying? As it happens they do have close friends who babysat DP but he hasn't seen them in years, and said friends are complicit in their behaviour towards me. If his parents had given us some money, and we had a bigger guest list we would be happy to include them. But we are not kicking out the people who have ACTUALLY driven me to hospital at 2 a.m, in favour of them.

You cannot make any blanket statements. Because you don't know other people's situations. Anybody who does has probably been so lucky with their family, they cannot imagine it any other way.

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 21:45

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 21:43

My condolences with regards to your father.

If you've managed to see my first post in this thread I'm actually in agreement with the OP - she was right to feel miffed and say she was too busy. But, the blame for all this lies solely on the shoulder's of her friend, the mother of the bride. Not the daughter! We don't even know whether the bride has even expressed an opinion on this at all.

In my native culture parents pay. And of course invite whom they want as well.. we have large weddings, but it doesn't cost a bomb. My parents are helping out with the UK wedding and having some of their friends here, which I was happy to oblige although the wedding is tiny. They told me in advance, I told them how many spaces I was willing to allocate and they were happy.

By contrast DP's family have not put their hands in their pockets, but want loads of people invited. They have a history of manipulative behaviour and accused me of various things (despite written evidence to the contrary).

Whatever we do they will not be happy. So why bother trying? As it happens they do have close friends who babysat DP but he hasn't seen them in years, and said friends are complicit in their behaviour towards me. If his parents had given us some money, and we had a bigger guest list we would be happy to include them. But we are not kicking out the people who have ACTUALLY driven me to hospital at 2 a.m, in favour of them.

You cannot make any blanket statements. Because you don't know other people's situations. Anybody who does has probably been so lucky with their family, they cannot imagine it any other way.

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Also this for @EffortlessDesmond
We are not so different. If you see this post yes, I have actually invited my parents' friends.
I love my parents, I want to make them happy and they have been nothing but loving to my DP.
I can't say the same for the attitude of his side towards me. It doesn't help that I'm the wrong type of foreign

QueenoftheAngles · 22/04/2023 21:52

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 21:43

My condolences with regards to your father.

If you've managed to see my first post in this thread I'm actually in agreement with the OP - she was right to feel miffed and say she was too busy. But, the blame for all this lies solely on the shoulder's of her friend, the mother of the bride. Not the daughter! We don't even know whether the bride has even expressed an opinion on this at all.

In my native culture parents pay. And of course invite whom they want as well.. we have large weddings, but it doesn't cost a bomb. My parents are helping out with the UK wedding and having some of their friends here, which I was happy to oblige although the wedding is tiny. They told me in advance, I told them how many spaces I was willing to allocate and they were happy.

By contrast DP's family have not put their hands in their pockets, but want loads of people invited. They have a history of manipulative behaviour and accused me of various things (despite written evidence to the contrary).

Whatever we do they will not be happy. So why bother trying? As it happens they do have close friends who babysat DP but he hasn't seen them in years, and said friends are complicit in their behaviour towards me. If his parents had given us some money, and we had a bigger guest list we would be happy to include them. But we are not kicking out the people who have ACTUALLY driven me to hospital at 2 a.m, in favour of them.

You cannot make any blanket statements. Because you don't know other people's situations. Anybody who does has probably been so lucky with their family, they cannot imagine it any other way.

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I’m not making blanket statements I’m giving my opinion based on my experience. You sound like you have a problem with your in-laws, get that, wouldn’t invite them either over my own friends. I have never said it was the bride in the OPs case who is at fault, I think, like you, it’s her best friend who has been very insensitive, wouldn’t fall out over it but definitely wouldn’t be looking after brides unfriendly dog on the wedding weekend.

I just don’t agree with the blanket statement that children owe their parents friends nothing - not always the case.

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 21:57

QueenoftheAngles · 22/04/2023 21:52

I’m not making blanket statements I’m giving my opinion based on my experience. You sound like you have a problem with your in-laws, get that, wouldn’t invite them either over my own friends. I have never said it was the bride in the OPs case who is at fault, I think, like you, it’s her best friend who has been very insensitive, wouldn’t fall out over it but definitely wouldn’t be looking after brides unfriendly dog on the wedding weekend.

I just don’t agree with the blanket statement that children owe their parents friends nothing - not always the case.

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That's fair enough.
Maybe it's the phrasing I have issue with - the title of 'parent's friends' doesn't mean anything. As opposed to say neighbours, 3rd cousins, etc all of whom you'd ordinarily not expected to have any sway. But these people have done all of the favours etc stated above.
But if they are 'people' you're close to, in your life, regardless of the title then there's a reasonable expectation of having them there.

MsRosley · 22/04/2023 21:58

I think it depends entirely who is footing the bill. If it's the parents, they should absolutely invite who they please.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 23:50

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 22/04/2023 19:40

I don't suppose they'd be doing it as a 'huge favour'...it would be a business transaction. Friends are asked to do favours.

My thinking on this is the daughter has asked her mum to ask OP for this favour. If I chose not to ask a family friend to my wedding, I wouldn't then ask them to do childcare/animal care or anything else for me on that day. It just seems a bit like rubbing it in.

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Then it’s the OP’s friend who is ‘rubbing it in’ not the bride. Assuming that’s how you choose to see it

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 23:51

MsRosley · 22/04/2023 21:58

I think it depends entirely who is footing the bill. If it's the parents, they should absolutely invite who they please.

Only if you assume that no gift should be given without manipulative strings attached

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 23:59

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 20:45

Well maybe she is. So what? Still makes what I said valid. All the more valid, actually.

I'm not sure how much more clearly I can explain this. But the OP is not about the behaviour of the bride, whose defence you are leaping to.
It's about the behaviour of the bride's mother.
Unless she was 100% sure about the guest list she should not have involved OP so much, in great detail.

OP is not wrong to feel miffed at not being invited. The fault lies entirely with the bride's mother and not bride (unless said bride invited OP to things like her wedding dress fitting).

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Well, not really. Since your post was all about how you, as the bride, behaved.

not sure how the behaviour of the brides mum in this scenario makes your post criticising your dp’s parents for acting in a similar way more valid.

the OP is very much about the bride and the Op being miffed about not being invited by the bride. As are most critical posts on this thread.

The disappointment of the OP may well be to do with her friend’s poor communication, or it might be to do with the op’s unrealistic expectations of the situation. Without more info bits impossible to say.

Ladybug14 · 23/04/2023 00:21

Perhaps it's a small wedding?
Perhaps no friends of parents are being invited
Perhaps the daughter sees you as someone who helps out with practical things. She has categorised you in that zone, maybe
Perhaps the daughter doesn't like you

Glad you've sorted the dog issue

SpudsandGravy · 23/04/2023 00:29

It's a bit of an honour to be asked to look after the DDog. Clearly your friend trusts you. I'd much rather be cuddling a dog at home than faffing around getting dressed up for some wedding :)

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 23/04/2023 00:35

SpudsandGravy · 23/04/2023 00:29

It's a bit of an honour to be asked to look after the DDog. Clearly your friend trusts you. I'd much rather be cuddling a dog at home than faffing around getting dressed up for some wedding :)

It really really is not an ‘honour’ to be asked to look after an unfriendly dog for a whole weekend.

SpudsandGravy · 23/04/2023 00:39

"It really really is not an ‘honour’ to be asked to look after an unfriendly dog for a whole weekend."

Well between my friends and me it would be, as we really love our wee creatures, but obvs people differ.

Escapetofrance · 23/04/2023 00:55

I can understand why you’re feeling hurt.
If looking after the dog is upsetting you, make up an excuse as to why you can’t.

JudgeRudy · 23/04/2023 01:08

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 19:32

This post really resonates with me and is very well put.

I think there is a huge lack of generosity in todays events - but they are lavish!

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I agree weddings have changed but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Both sets of parents paid the bulk of my wedding which entailed a buffet in a community centre. My mums 2 best friends plus one of my dads came and one gifted us the cake. No neighbours though. Probably more family than friends. My mum sorted the invites. They were from my parents.
When my daughter married she paid herself with a bit of cash help from me and her dad plus husbands parents. We had no say in who was invited. The evening reception changed about 10pm to a Drum n Bass night. All fine.
I would not expect to be invited to a friends daughter's wedding (unless I was maybe a real godparent). If I've not spent an evening g alone with that person I'd probably not consider them a friend but they might get an invite to the evening do.

JudgeRudy · 23/04/2023 01:20

I think the wedding and the dog sitting are 2 separate things.

I'd have probably invited you to the evening do. I'm unsure how old you are but I know my mum baulks at the idea of 'travelling' anywhere. Some people wont even travel say 25 miles to 'Lovely Manor House' because it's too expensive.

As for the dog sitting, presumably she wants you to stay over. That's a massive ask. Why is she asking you? Is this something you 'do'?
I really don't think you need to give a reason. Oh no, don't fancy that. 2 nights in someone else's house.
Maybe ask why your friend won't do it.
I think it's incredibly rude too to get someone else (your friend) to ask for her. Could it actually be it's your friend who's being cheeky and said, Oh I bet OP would do that! Really mum, do you think so? Well yes, she looked after Lucky last time. Besides she on her own, it'll be company for her. I'll ask.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/04/2023 01:36

It's the daughters wedding not hers. Weddings are 100+ a head. I won't be inviting my mothers mates...

And so with you not being invited and most of the BRIDES friends probably invited her mum probably Said 'oh Lorry might do it'.

It's not a slight - the BRIDE isn't your friend.

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 23/04/2023 01:38

Flowersun6 · 22/04/2023 17:41

Life doesn't work like this. For those saying the person who is getting married has her own circle of friends... why isn't she asking someone who SHE knows to look after her own dog?

Because they would be at the wedding. But she should be getting a proper dog sitter. I’d say no too

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/04/2023 01:39

Flowersun6 · 22/04/2023 17:41

Life doesn't work like this. For those saying the person who is getting married has her own circle of friends... why isn't she asking someone who SHE knows to look after her own dog?

... because they're all at the wedding

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 23/04/2023 03:49

Yfory · 22/04/2023 18:01

Im surprised so many on this thread think you are being unreasonable Op. I dont fwiw. When I got married several of my mothers friends were invited - because they had known my mother prior to my being born. They'd watched me grow up, had given me birthday presents etc.

We had a family funeral recently which although very sad was great because I got to chat to my mothers friends again - first time Id seen them since my wedding 20+ years ago.

Ive no advice re your next move op but I do see why you are miffed.

See I think it's weird to invite people to your wedding who you can't be bothered to see for 20 years.

Not invited to best friends daughters wedding, asked to look after her dog!

Interested in this thread?