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Original poster

Not invited to best friends daughters wedding, asked to look after her dog!

276 replies

Lorrymum · 22/04/2023 16:59

My friend of almost 40 years" daughter is getting married in the next few months. We have been very close, Christmas, birthdays, family bbqs etc.
Having spent months hearing about venues, dresses, menus etc. I have discovered I am not invited to the wedding. Fair enough, its her daughters wedding and she probably has no say as to who is invited.
Today my friend rang to ask a "huge favour." Would I look after her daughters dog during the wedding and the festivities? Not just pop in to walk and feed him but sleep overnight for 2 days?
I am now really cheesed off. Not good enough for the wedding but good enough to look after the bloody dog!
I don't want to risk our friendship but am trying to think of a plausible excuse. Wedding in 5 months.

OP posts:
QueenoftheAngles · 22/04/2023 19:24

I can see that traditional wedding guest list changes over time as people get married at an older age and probably are more likely to pay for it themselves. That’s completely fine, but I do feel for the OP if she’s been close to the brides mum for 40 years, watched the bride grow up listened to all sorts of excited wedding chat and been to see the dress followed by no invite and being asked to look after the dog.

I’d like my children to have whatever wedding they want to have and absolutely wouldn’t interfere but I would love it if, when the time comes they wanted a couple of our oldest friends there, the ones who’ve they’ve known all their lives, who’ve babysat, bought them presents, helped with career advice, listened to us worry about them etc. If they weren’t invited I’d have the sensitivity not to go on about it front of them and ask for a wedding related favour.

I’ve recently had reason to really value my own parents friends in the light of one of my DPs awful illness and death, they have been a huge help to us and actually meant that I could have a much needed break at times because they were on hand to support.

Beautiful3 · 22/04/2023 19:28

Hmm if you're not close enough to be invited to the wedding, then it wouldn't be appropriate to look after her dog. I would only do that for close family or best friend, this person is neither to you. I'd say, I'm away and pretend to stay with family. I invited my mums closest friends to.my wedding. But it is her choice/budget.

Hiddenvoice · 22/04/2023 19:30

Sorry op but you don’t really have a right to be angry over the persons wedding. You are her mums friend not hers. You picked her up from school etc as a favour to the mum. The references were kind of you. Did she invite your dress shopping or was it her mum? Seems likely the mum wanted a friend there.

If you don’t want to look after the dog then that’s fair enough and you’re entitled to say no.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Allschoolsareartschools · 22/04/2023 19:31

I know they can invite who they want & it's their day but you sound like a very close friend of her mum & I'm surprised you're not invited at all.
There's no way my dd would leave my best friend of 40 years out of her wedding celebrations so YANBU.
I'm glad you've made an excuse about the dog.

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 19:32

SeatonCarew · 22/04/2023 18:51

YANB very unreasonable OP, and there are one or two thoughtless bullies on this thread. (When aren't there nowadays on MN? 🤷‍♀️)

Former Registrar here.

A couple of former posters have hit the nail on the head, wedding "etiquette" and expectations have changed massively between the last generation and this one. My husband and I invited perhaps three couples who were good friends of the family and especially my parents to our wedding. One of them kindly made our wedding cake. We also invited all my parents' neighbours who were friends to our evening do.

We did so because we liked them very much, they'd always been kind and supportive and as a mark of respect to our parents. It was the end of an era for them and we wanted them to enjoy the event with a few friends as well as us!

Nowadays more often the bride and groom are paying for at least some of the event and they basically see it as a party with their friends, not an event that brings two families together and marks a new chapter in their lives. The type of event they want often drives the numbers, rather than the numbers driving the type of event. It is different. In some cases, wrongly in my view, lots of friends are prioritised over perfectly decent parents who are expected to sit rows back from the front. Highly disrespectful in most cases.

So yes, YANB wholly unreasonable, please understand that the world has moved on and your friend probably had no influence in the matter. 💐

This post really resonates with me and is very well put.

I think there is a huge lack of generosity in todays events - but they are lavish!

Ilovetea42 · 22/04/2023 19:37

I'd just say you can't do it. Do you know how small the wedding is? It could be that their wedding budget is really tight and inviting you may mean needing to invite other people. I have cousins who I really like but i couldn't invite them to our wedding without inviting 7 other cousins who I never see due to family politics. And as much as I'll be the first to say screw family politics the last thing anyone wants is to start a fight over their wedding. I'm guessing the budget is tight or the wedding small and they've tried to include you in the way they saw possible because they do value you. Or... the brides mum has said oh you have to bring lorrymum but the daughter hasn't wanted to give up guests she feels closer to on the actual day with a limited guest list... she might be paying for the wedding herself in which case I can see why she isn't inviting her mum's friends.

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 19:37

MichelleScarn · 22/04/2023 19:23

Would the people who expect to be invited to their friend's children's weddings.. invite these 'children' to their own big birthday or anniversary celebrations rather than their own friends?

Most I would not expect to be invited to but I would expect an invite to the ones with whom I share a closer relationship. And I would expect my dds to invite thos people in our lives.

The OP seems to think that their relationship was on that level. She is obviously wrong but it seems reasonable to be hurt.

She has just realised that both parties have a different view of the relationship.

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 19:39

*those

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 22/04/2023 19:40

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:36

Should she invite the local kennel staff/dog walker too then?

Show quote history

I don't suppose they'd be doing it as a 'huge favour'...it would be a business transaction. Friends are asked to do favours.

My thinking on this is the daughter has asked her mum to ask OP for this favour. If I chose not to ask a family friend to my wedding, I wouldn't then ask them to do childcare/animal care or anything else for me on that day. It just seems a bit like rubbing it in.

NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting · 22/04/2023 19:43

People on this thread are being quite rude in their responses, but found that with this site a lot.

At first, I would have said YABU, but as I read your updated comment, you aren’t.

We invited close friends of my in law’s and parents to our wedding. Some I had never met before but those were invited to the evening. The ones we had known for our whole lives and had similar involvement like you have with your friend’s daughter came to the whole day.

It’s very awkward, but maybe speak to your friend to find out if it’s a small wedding with a limited number of guests, otherwise it’s quite rude.

BadSkiingMum · 22/04/2023 19:50

Wait a minute, how is this that different from the long-running thread where the OP wasn’t given an invite but expected to decorate the venue?

MNers were righteously enraged on behalf of that OP.

OP, I do feel for you. It must hurt. Wedding aren’t just parties, they’re a significant life event.

MN always says that friendship should be reciprocal and shared special occasions are part of that reciprocity.

Put it this way, if one of her parents were to die the DD would expect you to show up to the funeral and offer that longstanding friendship and love, as part of the fabric of her family life. She should also take that broader perspective now - it isn’t just about her.

Howlongdoesittake · 22/04/2023 19:50

Depends who is paying I guess. We paid for our daughter's wedding and my best friends who have known her since she was a toddler were there. If she had been paying possibly they wouldn't have been invited.

But the dog sitting is CF territory.

lauraisa · 22/04/2023 19:51

Can totally understand why you are feeling hurt by this. Is it a super small wedding?? If not, it doesn't hurt to mention that you were hoping to be invited. But ya, it would be a no for dog sitting for me too.

viques · 22/04/2023 20:00

I think “mums friend “ comes pretty low on the possibles list for a wedding these days.

So way below his and her parents, siblings, their kids, grannies and grandads, aunties and uncles, possibly cousins if close, not to mention bride and grooms friends, bridal party etc etc……….

Have fun with the dog, I am sure you will get a bit of cake and a mention in the speeches.

MissHoollie · 22/04/2023 20:03

All depends on who else has been invited

EffortlessDesmond · 22/04/2023 20:22

Being not very old, at 67, I do get the OP's post. I know that weddings are traditionally paid for by the bride's family and that the bride and groom are in charge of the invitation list. But it is a kind gesture to include a few ancient friends from both sides of the marriage to give the parents a pleasant experience on the day too. The parents are not really going to have a lovely time if all the guests are contemporaries of the bride and groom, and they are going to have worked hard to make the wedding a dream. In the evening, they will feel surplus to requirements whatever you do, and it would be nicer for them to shuffle off to their own after-party. But of course, if you are not a close friend, then it's not unreasonable to ask a friendly NDN to look after the dog.

Snugglemonkey · 22/04/2023 20:26

CurlsLDN · 22/04/2023 17:02

So a grown up adult woman with her own circle of friends (and budget!) hasn’t invited you to her wedding. That’s ok, as you say.

meanwhile your very good friend has asked a favour of you, as she trusts you with her home and dog.

I don’t see the problem? Obviously you don’t have to do the favour if it doesn’t suit you, but one thing has nothing much to do with the other

This is where my head is. I would only entrust my dog to someone I think highly of.

Floralnomad · 22/04/2023 20:34

Snugglemonkey · 22/04/2023 20:26

This is where my head is. I would only entrust my dog to someone I think highly of.

Show quote history

It’s not the friends dog that needs dog sitting it’s the brides .

Snugglemonkey · 22/04/2023 20:38

darjeelingrose · 22/04/2023 17:25

This sounds like somebody you have known well her whole life, I think it's mean they didn't invite you, it sounds like a big event, menus etc. I had a small wedding but still invited friends of my parents because they were close to the family growing up and I like them. I didn't have a massive wedding. I think you are justified in being annoyed.

Every wedding venue has menus. Every restaurant has menus. Why would this be indicative if a large wedding? My cousin just had a beautiful, small wedding. 50 people including bride and groom. A lot of our cousins were not invited. There were 2 menus though.

HamBone · 22/04/2023 20:42

Snugglemonkey · 22/04/2023 20:26

This is where my head is. I would only entrust my dog to someone I think highly of.

Show quote history

@Snugglemonkey But it’s her daughter’s unfriendly dog that needs looking after.

I would never ask a friend to look after an unfriendly dog, it’s not fair. One of my friends has two dogs, one loves everyone, the other is territorial and bites, he only likes one member of their family. We’ve looked after the friendly dog, but the grumpy one goes to a professional.

EffortlessDesmond · 22/04/2023 20:44

DisforDarkChocolate · Today 18:05
I think the days of parents having some of their friends as guests are largely long gone, especially when the bride and groom are older.

So where is there any enjoyment for your parents in the event you are planning? Being expected to be there without any of their friends? Weddings are supposed to be joyous events, for the whole family. Your picture of a wedding is one I wouldn't bother to attend. The parents oldest and best friends are the people who babysat you, picked you up from school on a busy day and (in my situation) looked after you while I chased an ambulance to follow DH having a heart attack. To suggest that it's only about the bride and groom suggests that you are a bit self-centred. I hope you are very young, otherwise it's inexcuseably rude.

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 20:45

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:49

How do you know the brides mum in this case isn’t behaving exactly like your DP’s parents?

Show quote history

Well maybe she is. So what? Still makes what I said valid. All the more valid, actually.

I'm not sure how much more clearly I can explain this. But the OP is not about the behaviour of the bride, whose defence you are leaping to.
It's about the behaviour of the bride's mother.
Unless she was 100% sure about the guest list she should not have involved OP so much, in great detail.

OP is not wrong to feel miffed at not being invited. The fault lies entirely with the bride's mother and not bride (unless said bride invited OP to things like her wedding dress fitting).

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 22/04/2023 20:46

It is illuminating to see how many PP think OP should be deeply flattered by the Great Compliment of being selected to look after an unfriendly dog for the weekend, for free. What planet are you on?

EffortlessDesmond · 22/04/2023 20:52

I am still more upset by @DisforDarkChocolate 's suggestion that the parents of the bride and groom should not expect to invite any of their own personal friends. I do hope such people NEVER EVER repeat the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child". Because clearly they are planning to buy in all the help they need.

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 20:55

EffortlessDesmond · 22/04/2023 20:44

DisforDarkChocolate · Today 18:05
I think the days of parents having some of their friends as guests are largely long gone, especially when the bride and groom are older.

So where is there any enjoyment for your parents in the event you are planning? Being expected to be there without any of their friends? Weddings are supposed to be joyous events, for the whole family. Your picture of a wedding is one I wouldn't bother to attend. The parents oldest and best friends are the people who babysat you, picked you up from school on a busy day and (in my situation) looked after you while I chased an ambulance to follow DH having a heart attack. To suggest that it's only about the bride and groom suggests that you are a bit self-centred. I hope you are very young, otherwise it's inexcuseably rude.

You make parents sound like schoolchildren, needing their friends there for 'entertainment'.
They have their own children, plus other family at the wedding presumably?

Also have you looked at the cost of organising one recently?

I know it's common for older people (since you make a snide comment about youth) to think that only 'insta weddings' are expensive but the truth is venue rental alone can cost a few grand for a place that's big enough. Not everyone lives somewhere with a 'cheap village hall'. Even rooms in pubs etc have the price pushed up for wedding, or insist you order from a more expensive menu to make the price up.

Also bear in mind that babysitting your children isn't a favour to them. It's a favour to you. Because it's your responsibility as a parent. Your children owe them nothing.

Whom you children DO owe is their own friends, who looked after their children (your grandchildren) etc. Not your friends. Unless you're helping them fund the wedding.