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Original poster

Not invited to best friends daughters wedding, asked to look after her dog!

276 replies

Lorrymum · 22/04/2023 16:59

My friend of almost 40 years" daughter is getting married in the next few months. We have been very close, Christmas, birthdays, family bbqs etc.
Having spent months hearing about venues, dresses, menus etc. I have discovered I am not invited to the wedding. Fair enough, its her daughters wedding and she probably has no say as to who is invited.
Today my friend rang to ask a "huge favour." Would I look after her daughters dog during the wedding and the festivities? Not just pop in to walk and feed him but sleep overnight for 2 days?
I am now really cheesed off. Not good enough for the wedding but good enough to look after the bloody dog!
I don't want to risk our friendship but am trying to think of a plausible excuse. Wedding in 5 months.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 22/04/2023 18:22

Don't be silly, @FurAndFeathers , where did I say that?

Why on earth would you expect a bride and groom to fill their wedding with their parents’ friends?
very entitled

It's not 'entitled' for a very close family friend to expect/hope for an invitation to the wedding of a woman she has known since birth.

That is partly what a wedding is all about. It's not just about the bride and groom's friends having a party. It's about promises, shared lives, shared family - and that can often include close family friends.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:22

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 22/04/2023 18:15

@Mainlinethehappy

One of the posts says : I was there when she chose the dress

To me that implies in person

It doesn’t suggest that she was actually invited by the daughter though

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/04/2023 18:22

She may have a limited number

I certainly didn't invite any of my mums friends children to our wedding

Yes cheeky of bride to ask to look after dog

It can go to doggy day care for the weekend

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 18:24

Ordinarily I'd agree with the majority of posts OP. But given that you'd had to hear lots of detail about wedding planning, and were there at the dress choosing I think you did the right thing.
I'm getting married soon. Due to budget constraints/family issues I'm having a very small wedding.
I don't discuss it with anybody not invited. Except for a few whom I'd have loved to be there except for the constraints. I've been perfectly upfront with them and they're happy to hear about it.
discussing details and then not inviting someone is bad form

KTheGrey · 22/04/2023 18:24

It is indeed a huge favour. If its a lovely, clean, well trained dog and you would enjoy it - say yes. Otherwise it can go to kennels. That's what they're for.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:25

piedbeauty · 22/04/2023 18:22

Don't be silly, @FurAndFeathers , where did I say that?

Why on earth would you expect a bride and groom to fill their wedding with their parents’ friends?
very entitled

It's not 'entitled' for a very close family friend to expect/hope for an invitation to the wedding of a woman she has known since birth.

That is partly what a wedding is all about. It's not just about the bride and groom's friends having a party. It's about promises, shared lives, shared family - and that can often include close family friends.

Well perhaps we just have different levels of expectation/entitlement.

I’d want my friends kids to spend their hard earned cash on their own friends and having a good time at their wedding, especially recognising how economically challenging it is at the moment.

i wouldn’t expect a wedding invite because I used to do their parents favours and gave them an early-job character reference.

darjeelingrose · 22/04/2023 18:25

itmustbeexhausting · 22/04/2023 17:49

this is insane. why would you be invited?!

Some of my parents' friends are closer than family. Some of them send gifts to my kids for birthdays still. Other people have aunties and uncles, personally my parents' friends filled this role. Not everybody is so lucky, or has the gap, perhaps you have amazing aunties and uncles, so you don't get this or didn't have it, so that's great too, but surely the dynamic isn't that difficult to understand. I would totally have had my mum's best friend at my dress fitting, I didn't because of distance, but that would not have been weird at all. She was at the wedding, of course. This, too me, sounds like a similar friendship.

mybeautifuloak · 22/04/2023 18:25

MargotBamborough · 22/04/2023 18:14

I'd understand if the bride was your friend, but she's not, she's your friend's daughter.

You don't have to look after the dog of course, but I would in your position.

They are the oldest of family friends. That's exactly who I would expect to invite to a wedding. Certainly before transient friends. I would think close family and close family friends would be the first people. Weddings are traditionally not single generation knees up. They are a gathering of different generations. Your parents, aunts uncles, grand parents, other adults who were part of your entire life, old friends and new friends.

UpperLowerMiddleClass · 22/04/2023 18:25

Why on earth would you expect a bride and groom to fill their wedding with their parents’ friends?

very entitled

I think this is a bit harsh, and I can see the OPs point to an extent. In virtually every culture around the world a wedding is about joining two families together (not just two individuals) and it therefore follows that a few friends of the couples parents would be invited.

I’m Jewish (though not religious) and in that culture it would be really weird for the bride and groom’s parents not to invite a few of their friends to my wedding. So yes I get that we live in a very individualist culture where it’s all about what the bride and groom want, but yeah it seems odd to me that the bride’s mum’s best friend would not be invited.

EpicChaos · 22/04/2023 18:25

If the bride to be doesn't know you well enough ( after 40 years! ) to invite you to the wedding, then you most certainly don't know the bride to be's dog well enough to look after it.
You don't know if that dog is safe around people/furniture, etc., how could you know, the bride doesn't know you, apparently.
Tell your friends daughter, you have other things doing, so no, no dog sitting.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:26

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 18:24

Ordinarily I'd agree with the majority of posts OP. But given that you'd had to hear lots of detail about wedding planning, and were there at the dress choosing I think you did the right thing.
I'm getting married soon. Due to budget constraints/family issues I'm having a very small wedding.
I don't discuss it with anybody not invited. Except for a few whom I'd have loved to be there except for the constraints. I've been perfectly upfront with them and they're happy to hear about it.
discussing details and then not inviting someone is bad form

OP doesn’t say anywhere that the bride has discussed it with her

KTheGrey · 22/04/2023 18:26

Sorry didn't rtwt - good answer. Ridiculous to expect you to dog sit unfriendly hound. I repeat this is what kennels are for.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 22/04/2023 18:26

@FurAndFeathers

I don't think I said it did?

I said I would personally presume that I was invited in the same scenario

Quandary45 · 22/04/2023 18:27

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:21

I never invited any of my job referees to my wedding, and I would expect to be invited to the weddings of the people I’ve provided references for. Is that genuinely a thing?

Additionally unless OP has actually worked with the daughter, she won’t have provided more than a character reference for an entry-level job. Most employers want previous employment references so I doubt an early reference from her mum’s friend when she was starting out was a significant career-shaping event.

It sounds like OP is trying to ‘justify’ her own entitlement.

and yes bride could have said no if she’d known her mum had invited OP to her dress fitting, but maybe she didn’t know til the OP turned up, or maybe she knew OP would take offence if she was disinvited so sucked it up. Since then she may well have had a firm word with her mum about boundaries and inviting her pals to the daughters significant events.

regardless, it’s her wedding, she can invite who she pleases and a pal of her mum’s didn’t make the cut.

min a cost of living crisis, that’s not unusual

Show quote history

Oh come on, it's clear OP is not just a job referee!

If what you say about the dress fitting is true (and of course it could be), the bride is a very CF for asking OP to sit the dog and draw even more attention to the fact that she's not invited to the wedding.

Not inviting due to numbers or cost is fair enough, if still a bit hurtful to OP.

MojacaSunset · 22/04/2023 18:28

I had a few close family friends at my wedding, in all honesty, they have been closer than family and it didn't occur to me not to invite them.
If you were close enough to be there when she bought her wedding dress then I'm not surprised you feel upset at being excluded and asked to look after the dog!

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:32

Quandary45 · 22/04/2023 18:27

Oh come on, it's clear OP is not just a job referee!

If what you say about the dress fitting is true (and of course it could be), the bride is a very CF for asking OP to sit the dog and draw even more attention to the fact that she's not invited to the wedding.

Not inviting due to numbers or cost is fair enough, if still a bit hurtful to OP.

Show quote history

No she’s clearly a good friend of the mother

theres nothing that suggests she’s had any meaningful interaction with the daughter.

she hasn’t talked about birthday parties, shared holidays, the hen party, engagement activities or any other meaningful events in the daughters life.

only that she did her parents childcare favours 30 years ago and has bigged up giving ‘job references’ (realistically how long through an adult person’s career would they be using their mum’s pal as a referee?)

also the bride didn’t ask the OP to look after the dog. But sure, slag her off for that imaginary slight too 🤷‍♀️

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 22/04/2023 18:32

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:08

Why would it ‘destroy your friendship’

you’d have to be pretty vindictive to blame your friend for an entirely reasonable decision from her adult daughter Confused

Show quote history

I probably did t word that properly but I meant don’t let it ruin the friendship as it should not. Yes she has every right to be upset and if it comes up she can share her feelings but she should not be insisting she is invited or make it a big fight or anything.

That’s what I meant. But that also depends on how the friend takes it.

If I was the friend based on the history I have read between them which includes invitation g each other to events, and OP being close and involved with the bride, and the fact she was getting OP involved in the planning etc, I would preempt and let her know she can’t be invited because if xx opt yy e.g if they are struggling for numbers etc rather than act like she should not have expected to be invited at all.

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 22/04/2023 18:35

Tbh I'm with you, why would she trust you with her dog but not want to invite you to the wedding. I personally think it's cheeky and you are entitled to feel how you feel. I'd just say no. But if you think you need a reason, then say you're busy/you don't know the dog that well

inadarkdarkhouseinadarkdarkstreet · 22/04/2023 18:35

Hi OP I have read the thread, but can't see if you've specified the size of the wedding? Makes a big difference if it's over 100 guests or say, 50. Bride and Groom plus siblings and their partners (and any children) plus parents and you've already got a good chunk of places taken if it's 50. I understand your hurt feelings though, you're obviously a close family friend.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:36

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 22/04/2023 18:35

Tbh I'm with you, why would she trust you with her dog but not want to invite you to the wedding. I personally think it's cheeky and you are entitled to feel how you feel. I'd just say no. But if you think you need a reason, then say you're busy/you don't know the dog that well

Should she invite the local kennel staff/dog walker too then?

Moveoverdarlin · 22/04/2023 18:37

My parents paid a large chunk of my wedding and gave me a list of who they wanted there, they’d been to many of their friend’s kids weddings so wanted them there. Absolutely fair enough, I’ve known all my parents friends all of my life. I can totally see why you’re miffed about A. Not being invited and B. Expected to mind the dog. You’re right, it’s a cheek.

Quandary45 · 22/04/2023 18:40

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:32

No she’s clearly a good friend of the mother

theres nothing that suggests she’s had any meaningful interaction with the daughter.

she hasn’t talked about birthday parties, shared holidays, the hen party, engagement activities or any other meaningful events in the daughters life.

only that she did her parents childcare favours 30 years ago and has bigged up giving ‘job references’ (realistically how long through an adult person’s career would they be using their mum’s pal as a referee?)

also the bride didn’t ask the OP to look after the dog. But sure, slag her off for that imaginary slight too 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

You're very keen to defend the bride. I can't argue with most of your points as we don't have enough details from OP, but if you think that OP's friend was the one who suggested OP could dog sit and asked OP to look after the bride's dog (including an overnight stay) without checking with the bride first, and her OK'ing it, then I don't know what to say.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:44

Quandary45 · 22/04/2023 18:40

You're very keen to defend the bride. I can't argue with most of your points as we don't have enough details from OP, but if you think that OP's friend was the one who suggested OP could dog sit and asked OP to look after the bride's dog (including an overnight stay) without checking with the bride first, and her OK'ing it, then I don't know what to say.

Show quote history

I mean I think that because the OP literally says it
Today my friend rang to ask a "huge favour." Would I look after her daughters dog during the wedding and the festivities?

But sure. Imagine it was the bride who asked. You’re very keen to criticise her, even if it requires you imagining the evidence.

Genie321 · 22/04/2023 18:45

Lorrymum · 22/04/2023 17:15

Its the brides not very friendly dog. Have just rung to say I am away for the weekend. I was there when she chose her wedding dress. Provided job references, picked her up from school, babysat when she was small
Im not "enraged" just cheesed off.

I can understand it might be upsetting. I would be upset too, given you've known her all your life and babysat for her etc and spent a lot of time together. I would think, as you did, that you might be invited. Taking you to dress shopping and then no invite is bizarre. Its a shame. You are entitled to feel upset in my opinion.

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 18:45

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:26

OP doesn’t say anywhere that the bride has discussed it with her

Show quote history

It doesn't matter. If the bride's mother knew enough details to witter on about for months, AND invited the OP to the dress fitting - I'd presume she had enough clout to invite OP to the wedding too, instead of asking her to mind the dog.

My parents have got 2 people they'd like invited to our small wedding - they asked respectfully, and as they're giving us a good chunk of cash I think it's fair to say yes. The groom's side has given us nothing and are trying to shoehorn various people in. We've stood firm and told them that the guest list is fixed. we've also not involved them in the wedding planning at all.