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Original poster

Not invited to best friends daughters wedding, asked to look after her dog!

276 replies

Lorrymum · 22/04/2023 16:59

My friend of almost 40 years" daughter is getting married in the next few months. We have been very close, Christmas, birthdays, family bbqs etc.
Having spent months hearing about venues, dresses, menus etc. I have discovered I am not invited to the wedding. Fair enough, its her daughters wedding and she probably has no say as to who is invited.
Today my friend rang to ask a "huge favour." Would I look after her daughters dog during the wedding and the festivities? Not just pop in to walk and feed him but sleep overnight for 2 days?
I am now really cheesed off. Not good enough for the wedding but good enough to look after the bloody dog!
I don't want to risk our friendship but am trying to think of a plausible excuse. Wedding in 5 months.

OP posts:
ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 18:46

Also @FurAndFeathers to be clear I'm not criticising the bride. But her mother.
If mother had no control over guest list then she should have kept her trap shut and not discussed wedding at all with the OP.

Nottamug · 22/04/2023 18:48

How close are you to your friend and have you spent time with her daughter over recent years ? Who is paying for the wedding? Is it a big wedding? I was invited to my friends daughter wedding last year and my friend definitely had about 20 friends at the wedding.
It was a big wedding,no expenses spared and the parents of the bride paid for it so that probably made a difference. Having said that their daughter was very happy and thoroughly enjoyed her day and her parents had a fabulous day as well .
It really does depend on so many factors as to whether it’s reasonable or not.

Quandary45 · 22/04/2023 18:48

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:44

I mean I think that because the OP literally says it
Today my friend rang to ask a "huge favour." Would I look after her daughters dog during the wedding and the festivities?

But sure. Imagine it was the bride who asked. You’re very keen to criticise her, even if it requires you imagining the evidence.

Show quote history

Yes the friend asked - but it would surely have to be agreed by the bride first? In my book, anyone trusted enough to dogsit in my house would be someone I would want at my wedding. Maybe I'm wrong though.

If not agreed with the bride, then the real CF here is the friend. Especially if she's the one who's gone on and on about the wedding and invited her mate to gatecrash the dress fitting.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:49

ReplGirl · 22/04/2023 18:45

It doesn't matter. If the bride's mother knew enough details to witter on about for months, AND invited the OP to the dress fitting - I'd presume she had enough clout to invite OP to the wedding too, instead of asking her to mind the dog.

My parents have got 2 people they'd like invited to our small wedding - they asked respectfully, and as they're giving us a good chunk of cash I think it's fair to say yes. The groom's side has given us nothing and are trying to shoehorn various people in. We've stood firm and told them that the guest list is fixed. we've also not involved them in the wedding planning at all.

Show quote history

How do you know the brides mum in this case isn’t behaving exactly like your DP’s parents?

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 22/04/2023 18:50

I’m not surprised by the consensus of this thread as MN thinks no-one should expect anything ever but FWIW I don’t think it’s at all unusual for a family friend who was heavily involved in the bride’s life and is still close to her mother to be invited to the wedding, at least to the evening do (and I know these are also infra dig round these parts). My parents’ closest friends were more involved in my early life than my biological aunt and uncle, who lived abroad.

Pliudev · 22/04/2023 18:50

If they have spent Christmas, birthdays and family barbecues together over the years, then isn't it fair to assume the bride does know the OP? And for whatever reason, hasn't included her in the wedding celebrations, not even in the evening if they are having something then. So, while I think it's pointless being upset, I can see why the OP feels that way. And to be asked to house the dog for two days just rubs it in. That's quite an ask, so if you aren't happy about it OP, I'd say no.

SeatonCarew · 22/04/2023 18:51

YANB very unreasonable OP, and there are one or two thoughtless bullies on this thread. (When aren't there nowadays on MN? 🤷‍♀️)

Former Registrar here.

A couple of former posters have hit the nail on the head, wedding "etiquette" and expectations have changed massively between the last generation and this one. My husband and I invited perhaps three couples who were good friends of the family and especially my parents to our wedding. One of them kindly made our wedding cake. We also invited all my parents' neighbours who were friends to our evening do.

We did so because we liked them very much, they'd always been kind and supportive and as a mark of respect to our parents. It was the end of an era for them and we wanted them to enjoy the event with a few friends as well as us!

Nowadays more often the bride and groom are paying for at least some of the event and they basically see it as a party with their friends, not an event that brings two families together and marks a new chapter in their lives. The type of event they want often drives the numbers, rather than the numbers driving the type of event. It is different. In some cases, wrongly in my view, lots of friends are prioritised over perfectly decent parents who are expected to sit rows back from the front. Highly disrespectful in most cases.

So yes, YANB wholly unreasonable, please understand that the world has moved on and your friend probably had no influence in the matter. 💐

Titusgroan · 22/04/2023 18:52

I don’t think parents friends should assume they get an invite to family weddings, but I completely understand you are upset as you have been close.

If you don’t want to look after the dog for 2 nights then I’d probably tell them I’m away…..I might even go away. Better than dwelling on something you wish you were at.

ToWhitToWhoo · 22/04/2023 18:54

YANBU not to wish to look after the dog; that's your decision and you're not obliged to. But YABVU to take offence at not being invited to the wedding, and to blame your friend. It's not HER wedding!

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 18:58

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:21

I never invited any of my job referees to my wedding, and I would expect to be invited to the weddings of the people I’ve provided references for. Is that genuinely a thing?

Additionally unless OP has actually worked with the daughter, she won’t have provided more than a character reference for an entry-level job. Most employers want previous employment references so I doubt an early reference from her mum’s friend when she was starting out was a significant career-shaping event.

It sounds like OP is trying to ‘justify’ her own entitlement.

and yes bride could have said no if she’d known her mum had invited OP to her dress fitting, but maybe she didn’t know til the OP turned up, or maybe she knew OP would take offence if she was disinvited so sucked it up. Since then she may well have had a firm word with her mum about boundaries and inviting her pals to the daughters significant events.

regardless, it’s her wedding, she can invite who she pleases and a pal of her mum’s didn’t make the cut.

min a cost of living crisis, that’s not unusual

Show quote history

Hmmmm - seems like a deliberate will to misunderstand, dismiss, and depricate a relationship of many years in which the op has cared for this person.

OP is not at all unreasonable.

Titusgroan · 22/04/2023 18:58

SeatonCarew · 22/04/2023 18:51

YANB very unreasonable OP, and there are one or two thoughtless bullies on this thread. (When aren't there nowadays on MN? 🤷‍♀️)

Former Registrar here.

A couple of former posters have hit the nail on the head, wedding "etiquette" and expectations have changed massively between the last generation and this one. My husband and I invited perhaps three couples who were good friends of the family and especially my parents to our wedding. One of them kindly made our wedding cake. We also invited all my parents' neighbours who were friends to our evening do.

We did so because we liked them very much, they'd always been kind and supportive and as a mark of respect to our parents. It was the end of an era for them and we wanted them to enjoy the event with a few friends as well as us!

Nowadays more often the bride and groom are paying for at least some of the event and they basically see it as a party with their friends, not an event that brings two families together and marks a new chapter in their lives. The type of event they want often drives the numbers, rather than the numbers driving the type of event. It is different. In some cases, wrongly in my view, lots of friends are prioritised over perfectly decent parents who are expected to sit rows back from the front. Highly disrespectful in most cases.

So yes, YANB wholly unreasonable, please understand that the world has moved on and your friend probably had no influence in the matter. 💐

A very good point.
We paid for all our wedding
We didn't invite any parents friends or relatives that we hadn’t seen in a while.
My father did request about 20 relatives that I hadn’t seen for about 20 years but we just said no.

However as churches are open to all a lot of them turned up for the service anyway.

If it’s in a church OP and you want to watch, you can.

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 18:59

I do think the culture of weddings has changed. It used to be an intergenerational celebration as much about the community of both families as about the couple themselves. The celebration was a nod to the now and to the future.

It was smart - good will for the couple can be locked in at that time, and when help is needed in the future, as it always is, there are people to turn to.

Now it seems to be an insecure All About Me fest.

Whichnumbers · 22/04/2023 19:00

if you're not friends with the bride then its cf asking you to look after the dog. Just say no im not able to have the dog

people obviously get to choose their wedding guest list and as your not friends with the bride don't get an invite. shame but they you go. I guess you thought you were friends

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 19:00

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 18:58

Hmmmm - seems like a deliberate will to misunderstand, dismiss, and depricate a relationship of many years in which the op has cared for this person.

OP is not at all unreasonable.

Show quote history

Sure - attack me and my motives if that’s easier for you than a reasoned response 🤷‍♀️

Dotcheck · 22/04/2023 19:03

itmustbeexhausting · 22/04/2023 17:49

this is insane. why would you be invited?!

Because she has known the bride her whole life, looked at wedding dresses, looked after her, given job references and generally cared .

I agree with pp who said wedding culture has changed. Long time family friends ( who have been there to support them throughout their life) didn’t get an invite in favour of workmates who barely know them.

People seem more interested in an Instagram wedding these days

TonTonMacoute · 22/04/2023 19:04

darjeelingrose · 22/04/2023 17:25

This sounds like somebody you have known well her whole life, I think it's mean they didn't invite you, it sounds like a big event, menus etc. I had a small wedding but still invited friends of my parents because they were close to the family growing up and I like them. I didn't have a massive wedding. I think you are justified in being annoyed.

This.

What is wrong with feeling hurt at being treated like this? I would not be interested in dog sitting the bride’s horrible dog either!

GP75 · 22/04/2023 19:04

Why would you want to go? Honestly I have a friend like this, her daughter is now 18 so probably a bit away from getting married but much as I love them, can't say I'd be bothered 🤷 if you don't want to look after the dog fair enough just say no!

greyhairnomore · 22/04/2023 19:04

@Mainlinethehappy she did. She said it at 17.15 OP was there when the dress was picked.

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 19:06

Well @FurAndFeathers we see it differently.

I don't see what I wrote as an attack.

But I also don't see the OP as "entitled".

She has had a long relationship with this person, watched her grow up, and is simply..... hurt.

Which does not seem entitled or unreasonable.

Kvetching · 22/04/2023 19:08

I would be upset if I wasn’t invited to my best friend’s daughter’s wedding as we are very close. But I find weddings a monumental bore, so I’d get over it very soon.

But, if you are a good friend, you should do the kind thing and look after the dog.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 19:08

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 19:06

Well @FurAndFeathers we see it differently.

I don't see what I wrote as an attack.

But I also don't see the OP as "entitled".

She has had a long relationship with this person, watched her grow up, and is simply..... hurt.

Which does not seem entitled or unreasonable.

You said I am a deliberately misunderstanding, dismissing, and depricating the OP

what would you call that? A compliment? 😂

Skybluepinky · 22/04/2023 19:11

We never invited out parents friends, it would cost a fortune.
No idea y u expected to b invited.

Anxietyrules247 · 22/04/2023 19:14

Does your friend seem awkward about it?

I can understand you being put out, but at the end of the day it is her daughter's wedding and her decision.
If it's a smallish wedding and she has a lot of friends, it may have been difficult to prioritise everyone due to numbers.
It would also depend on how close you are to the daughter now she is an adult, how often you see her now, if you are still involved in her life, or whether she just sees you as her mum's friend.

I don't think you should take it personally, and it would be a shame if it caused conflict between you and your friend.

4plusthehound · 22/04/2023 19:21

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 19:08

You said I am a deliberately misunderstanding, dismissing, and depricating the OP

what would you call that? A compliment? 😂

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Fair point.

MichelleScarn · 22/04/2023 19:23

Would the people who expect to be invited to their friend's children's weddings.. invite these 'children' to their own big birthday or anniversary celebrations rather than their own friends?