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Original poster

Not invited to best friends daughters wedding, asked to look after her dog!

276 replies

Lorrymum · 22/04/2023 16:59

My friend of almost 40 years" daughter is getting married in the next few months. We have been very close, Christmas, birthdays, family bbqs etc.
Having spent months hearing about venues, dresses, menus etc. I have discovered I am not invited to the wedding. Fair enough, its her daughters wedding and she probably has no say as to who is invited.
Today my friend rang to ask a "huge favour." Would I look after her daughters dog during the wedding and the festivities? Not just pop in to walk and feed him but sleep overnight for 2 days?
I am now really cheesed off. Not good enough for the wedding but good enough to look after the bloody dog!
I don't want to risk our friendship but am trying to think of a plausible excuse. Wedding in 5 months.

OP posts:
Drfosters · 22/04/2023 17:58

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 17:56

Why on earth would you expect a bride and groom to fill their wedding with their parents’ friends?

very entitled

Show quote history

Because she isn’t just a friend of the parent, she’s a close family friend. Has known the daughter for years. The OP feels she has a relationship with the daughter so is hurt she’s been excluded.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 17:58

StrangeSally · 22/04/2023 17:45

Tell her to piss off, she's not your friend, she's a cf

No she’s not the OP’s friend.

if you read the post you’ll comprehend she’s the OP’s friend’s daughter 🙄

Mainlinethehappy · 22/04/2023 17:59

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 22/04/2023 17:46

I do think some people who are being adamant that you are unreasonable would feel the same themselves

If I was invited to look at wedding dresses with the bride I would assume I was invited yes

Not getting an invite would smart a little and I would be annoyed at then being asked to do a hired help role

"Having spent months hearing about venues, dresses, menus etc..."
The bride didn't take the OP to look at wedding dresses.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
PeaceLilyCactus · 22/04/2023 17:59

Yanbu. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of involvement in her life and view her as a friend, even if her mother is a closer friend. My mum has four close friends who feel a bit like aunts, and myself and my sister both invited them to our weddings. Same as my dad’s best friends.

It’s upsetting and hurtful when things like this happen and you realise that you’re not as close/ important to a person as you thought you were.

I’d put a happy face on and wish them the best. She’s been a bit cheeky asking you to watch her dog overnight. I’d have made an excuse not to do that too.

Twinedpeaks · 22/04/2023 18:00

@Mainlinethehappy I know? All of my points are true for that.

Mainlinethehappy · 22/04/2023 18:00

BoredOfThisMansWorld · 22/04/2023 17:54

I'm not a traditional or formal person but I totally get it! Surprised so many don't.

There are some friends whose families feel like your own family. Especially if you grew up close to each other. Sometimes denoted as honorary aunties or whatever, depending on culture. You weren't expecting to be included as friend of her mum, but as her almost family.

And usually when people are having a more restricted guest list they advertise the fact from the off so people aren't disappointed.

But maybe the OP's friend's daughter doesn't see the OP as almost-family?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/04/2023 18:01

YANBU. I invited a few of my parents friends to my wedding as I'd known them all my life. I couldn't imagine not inviting them. I think it's really cheeky she's asked you to dog sit, just say you can't, you have other plans. She can pay for a kennel.

Yfory · 22/04/2023 18:01

Im surprised so many on this thread think you are being unreasonable Op. I dont fwiw. When I got married several of my mothers friends were invited - because they had known my mother prior to my being born. They'd watched me grow up, had given me birthday presents etc.

We had a family funeral recently which although very sad was great because I got to chat to my mothers friends again - first time Id seen them since my wedding 20+ years ago.

Ive no advice re your next move op but I do see why you are miffed.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:01

Lorrymum · 22/04/2023 17:15

Its the brides not very friendly dog. Have just rung to say I am away for the weekend. I was there when she chose her wedding dress. Provided job references, picked her up from school, babysat when she was small
Im not "enraged" just cheesed off.

And who invited you to help choose her wedding dress?
the bride?

or did her mum invite you along and the bride thinks you’re a gatecrasher? Did she invite you to her hen? Previous birthday parties? Or anything else? Are you actually friends with her?

I think expecting an invite to an adult woman’s wedding because you did some favours for her parents when she was a child is weird tbh.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 22/04/2023 18:03

Lorrymum · 22/04/2023 17:15

Its the brides not very friendly dog. Have just rung to say I am away for the weekend. I was there when she chose her wedding dress. Provided job references, picked her up from school, babysat when she was small
Im not "enraged" just cheesed off.

I see why you’re pissed and I would be as well. Many people on MN like to follow the herd and oversimplify things even though I’m sure many of them would be upset if they were in your shoes.

You’ve said no to the dog so move on. Don’t let it destroy your friendship with your friend if you can. If it comes up express how you feel but don’t push it that you have to be invited. It’s fine they’ve chose not to but you also have a right to feel slighted given your relationship with the bride and her mother.

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/04/2023 18:05

I think the days of parents having some of their friends as guests are largely long gone, especially when the bride and groom are older.

So, I'd not be annoyed about the invite but I'd say no to dog sitting a non-friendly dog regardless.

clary · 22/04/2023 18:05

I agree with lots of others, it's perfectly reasonable not to be invited to the wedding. I have a couple of close friends with DC who are adults, I have known them and the DC many years (not 40 but still) and there is no way I would ever be invited to their weddings. You are maybe closer to friend's dd but still it's fair enough not to get an invite.

The dog is separate (tho not the friend's dog but the DD's dog as I read it?) and that's up to you. I can't stand dogs so it would be an easy no for me. I guess you need to weigh it up independent of the wedding. If friend wee away for a romantic weekend with partner, would you stay over to dog sit then? If yes, then yes to this.

Tickledtrout · 22/04/2023 18:07

You've every right to be miffed OP. Sod the dog

clary · 22/04/2023 18:07

Ah I missed update, Does sound as if you are close to the bride but maybe they see it differently - or are having v few people from your generation?

Anyway you have said no so that's fine.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:08

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 22/04/2023 18:03

I see why you’re pissed and I would be as well. Many people on MN like to follow the herd and oversimplify things even though I’m sure many of them would be upset if they were in your shoes.

You’ve said no to the dog so move on. Don’t let it destroy your friendship with your friend if you can. If it comes up express how you feel but don’t push it that you have to be invited. It’s fine they’ve chose not to but you also have a right to feel slighted given your relationship with the bride and her mother.

Show quote history

Why would it ‘destroy your friendship’

you’d have to be pretty vindictive to blame your friend for an entirely reasonable decision from her adult daughter Confused

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2023 18:10

Yeh I’d be upset in this scenario op. It’s such a shame you haven’t been invited. Maybe it’s a small wedding?

Quandary45 · 22/04/2023 18:11

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:01

And who invited you to help choose her wedding dress?
the bride?

or did her mum invite you along and the bride thinks you’re a gatecrasher? Did she invite you to her hen? Previous birthday parties? Or anything else? Are you actually friends with her?

I think expecting an invite to an adult woman’s wedding because you did some favours for her parents when she was a child is weird tbh.

Show quote history

Not sure that OP providing job references would have been when she was a child? Maybe the bride's mum did drag OP to the dress appointment, but you know what? An adult woman can say no to unwanted guests at her wedding dress fitting! I certainly would and only wanted my own mum and grandma there for mine. If I was at one for someone else, I would expect to be invited to the wedding really.

Fwiw I don't think you're being unreasonable to be hurt by this OP. Some PP are being unnecessarily harsh, but this is Mumsnet after all.

I think you have it right though in saying no to dog sitting. They'll figure something else out.

TakingTime2 · 22/04/2023 18:11

YANBU op, that's very hurtful and inconsiderate.

ImAvingOops · 22/04/2023 18:13

I think your friend has been very rude in asking you to mind the dog. She can't insist you are invited but she can certainly not add insult to injury. She has been massively insensitive.

I wouldn't have made an excuse to avoid looking after the dog - I think it would have been perfectly okay to say you don't want to, the dog is difficult and you're not willing to give up that much of your own time. Friend can hardly feel aggrieved if you don't fancy putting yourself out anymore for her daughter!

If the friend hasn't already, then she really ought to have said to her dd that not inviting you is going to cause hurt and offence, given how close you've been and your involvement in her life, I totally get that b&g paying for their own weddings will prioritise their own friends and not have all their parents guests at the expense of their own, but there are some people that you just should invite, if you are having a standard wedding.

MargotBamborough · 22/04/2023 18:14

I'd understand if the bride was your friend, but she's not, she's your friend's daughter.

You don't have to look after the dog of course, but I would in your position.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 22/04/2023 18:15

@Mainlinethehappy

One of the posts says : I was there when she chose the dress

To me that implies in person

HamBone · 22/04/2023 18:17

Dog-sit an unfriendly dog for two nights? Of course it’s fine to refuse, dogs can be very aggressive and territorial in their homes. I’ve dog-sat for friends before, but only for friendly dogs.

As PP’s have said, the wedding invitation is a separate issue. You’re the Mum’s friend, not her daughter’s. I expect her DD got her to ask about dog-sitting as she’s desperate and no one will do it! They need to pay for a professional, tbh.

MacarenaMacarena · 22/04/2023 18:18

I think, bearing in mind 40 years of family bbqs, holidays and Christmases together, I would also be a bit sad not to be invited. All those hours talking with the friend's daughter about her interests, brownies, SATs, GCSE options, University applications... It's a big investment in time and effort to bother about someone else's child, and you have been generous with her. Must feel rather taken for granted now, sorry for this situation OP. I would reply with a recommendation for a dog sitting business. And when she needs advice about breastfeeding, unhelpful husband and job issues, you know she has dozens of friends she cares about more than you, so no need to spend any more of your time supporting her. She can see them instead.

FurAndFeathers · 22/04/2023 18:21

Quandary45 · 22/04/2023 18:11

Not sure that OP providing job references would have been when she was a child? Maybe the bride's mum did drag OP to the dress appointment, but you know what? An adult woman can say no to unwanted guests at her wedding dress fitting! I certainly would and only wanted my own mum and grandma there for mine. If I was at one for someone else, I would expect to be invited to the wedding really.

Fwiw I don't think you're being unreasonable to be hurt by this OP. Some PP are being unnecessarily harsh, but this is Mumsnet after all.

I think you have it right though in saying no to dog sitting. They'll figure something else out.

Show quote history

I never invited any of my job referees to my wedding, and I would expect to be invited to the weddings of the people I’ve provided references for. Is that genuinely a thing?

Additionally unless OP has actually worked with the daughter, she won’t have provided more than a character reference for an entry-level job. Most employers want previous employment references so I doubt an early reference from her mum’s friend when she was starting out was a significant career-shaping event.

It sounds like OP is trying to ‘justify’ her own entitlement.

and yes bride could have said no if she’d known her mum had invited OP to her dress fitting, but maybe she didn’t know til the OP turned up, or maybe she knew OP would take offence if she was disinvited so sucked it up. Since then she may well have had a firm word with her mum about boundaries and inviting her pals to the daughters significant events.

regardless, it’s her wedding, she can invite who she pleases and a pal of her mum’s didn’t make the cut.

min a cost of living crisis, that’s not unusual

Businessflake · 22/04/2023 18:21

it’s her wedding, not her mums, so unless you have a relationship with the bride why on earth would you expect an invite?

yeah, exactly, so why on earth would she look after the brides dog?