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Original poster

Night weaning: all for nothing

102 replies

Softsoftsleep · 20/04/2023 23:59

Ive previously written about my utter exhaustion breastfeeding my 14 months old during the night. She ou knew how to fall asleep on the breast. I would co sleep to get some kind of semblance of sleep, but it was terrible; poor quality and claustrophobic. I do not want to co sleep anymore. Mumsnet and I agreed it was time to sleep train, especially as I was starting work soon.

3 weeks ago, I commenced the process, whereby instead of breastfeeding baby to sleep, I lay her down in her cot awake, over and over again, until she fell asleep. I shushed and patted her and never left her side. The first night it took her 2 hours to go to sleep and another 2 hours during the night, but it seemed to get shorter each night.

There were some dark moments where she fought it, and by stopping breastfeeding suddenly, I ended up with mastitis. However, my mind frame was that it would all be worth it in the end. There have definitely been some stretches in how long I sleep, but she is still fighting the initial put-down and is waking up. Offering water doesnt work, and baby was so distraught and for so long that we worried the neighbours would complain and that she was actually hungry. So I fed her. The same of deflation I felt when I finally gave in was just so...meh.

Same tonight. Took ages for her to go over, woke 30 minutes later, shushed her to sleep again, then 3 hours later, here I am breastfeeding her ad she was so hesitant to to even lying down when I went into her to settle her.

So now I feel like I've lost motivation for sticking with weaning as the baby has been so resistant to it and I have given confusing messages by giving in. It's hard to hold resolve when she has been crying for an hour and you've to get up for work in 2 hours, as us what has happened this week.

I thought 'no pain, no gain' but feel like I've gone back to square 1.

OP posts:
Original poster
Softsoftsleep · 20/04/2023 23:59

She only knew to fall asleep on the breast, I meant

OP posts:
Wenfy · 21/04/2023 00:30

Just do what makes your life easier. I still bf DS to sleep and he’s 3.4 but the duration has gotten shorter and shorter.

Original poster
Softsoftsleep · 21/04/2023 03:45

At night time, breastfeeding is easier but uts so tieing and I never get to recharge during the day. I'm up again,l with her now, breastfeeding so I did get a 4ish hour block of sleep, which I wasn't getting before.

OP posts:

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Maraudingmarauders · 21/04/2023 03:49

Can your DH do all night time settling for a week/10 days? Often the smell of your milk is too attractive to them so it's easier if you aren't an option.

Original poster
Softsoftsleep · 21/04/2023 05:08

My husband was going into her but the crying wouldn't stop. After an hour I went in and fed her because we have other kids who were trying to sleep and it just wasn't fair. I've been up for 2 hours. The baby has gone back to sleep and I need to start getting ready for work soon so there's no point in me going back to bed. I just feel like everything has been for nothing. The crying, spending hours on the floor beside her cot, the mastitis. It's all been for nothing because in thr end I gave in and gave her what she wanted. I'm so annoyed with myself but can't see how else I could have managed things

OP posts:
Bubblebath90 · 21/04/2023 07:21

There isn’t any point starting sleep training if you can’t commit to it. It’s confusing for your baby and demoralising for you. Try again when you know you can see it through

SunnySaturdayMorning · 21/04/2023 07:25

Bubblebath90 · 21/04/2023 07:21

There isn’t any point starting sleep training if you can’t commit to it. It’s confusing for your baby and demoralising for you. Try again when you know you can see it through

This. Especially for a baby who is still too young to understand why mummy would suddenly say no in the first place, never mind say no and then say yes.

Winter2020 · 21/04/2023 07:30

Will she take a bottle? Perhaps moving to formular/bottles now could be an in between measure to free you up and allow your partner to help more. I think it also allows baby to load up on a larger quantity for a longer sleep.

MrsHsGirl · 21/04/2023 07:38

This is really tough OP. I used a sleep trainer who helped me to night wean. I should caveat this by saying it didn't actually work for me and I ended up just going cold Turkey and sticking to it come hell or high water, however I had the luxury of not having work to go to in the morning and having no other children so no one but me and DH were disturbed.

However, the sleep trainer advised me to drop one feed at a time. So initially do not feed to sleep at bed time but then feed all the other wake ups. When she is going down well without that first feed don't feed for the first wake up but then do feed for all of the rest of them - you have more resolve to stick to it because you know it's just that one and not the rest of the night you've got to deal with it. Once she's settling for that one well you can stop feeding for the second wake up, and so on. As I said it didn't actually work for me as I think DS found it confusing, but if you've tried cold Turkey and it isn't working for you then it might be worth a go.

Good luck! There is so much advice and encouragement to start feeding but very little to stop and it's a hard and lonely time IME.

TeamSleep · 21/04/2023 07:52

OP I remember so well the pain and upset of repeated attempts to sleep train my youngest. I don’t think comments saying you shouldn’t start unless you can commit to it are helpful because unless you try, how do you know whether it’s going to work or not? It hasn’t been for nothing you sound like you’ve given it literally everything you’ve got and it just isn’t working at the moment. Don’t be annoyed with yourself you’re just in a difficult position and you must be exhausted. You have two older children so I presume you didn’t have these problems with them so it’s not anything you are doing wrong, it’s just the type of sleeper you have and I had one of those so I get where you’re coming from. You have gone from providing a lot of comfort for your little one to sleep and then taking that all away so maybe it needs to be more gradual than that. Making the step to not co sleep is step one but if you still have to breast feed to sleep for a while longer then so be it. I did actually switch to a bottle at this point as I really wanted to stop breast feeding and then my husband could help with the night wakings so this could be something to try as I find it did help.

Bubblebath90 · 21/04/2023 08:43

TeamSleep · 21/04/2023 07:52

OP I remember so well the pain and upset of repeated attempts to sleep train my youngest. I don’t think comments saying you shouldn’t start unless you can commit to it are helpful because unless you try, how do you know whether it’s going to work or not? It hasn’t been for nothing you sound like you’ve given it literally everything you’ve got and it just isn’t working at the moment. Don’t be annoyed with yourself you’re just in a difficult position and you must be exhausted. You have two older children so I presume you didn’t have these problems with them so it’s not anything you are doing wrong, it’s just the type of sleeper you have and I had one of those so I get where you’re coming from. You have gone from providing a lot of comfort for your little one to sleep and then taking that all away so maybe it needs to be more gradual than that. Making the step to not co sleep is step one but if you still have to breast feed to sleep for a while longer then so be it. I did actually switch to a bottle at this point as I really wanted to stop breast feeding and then my husband could help with the night wakings so this could be something to try as I find it did help.

‘It’s just the type of sleeper you have’ 🙄

crossstitchingnana · 21/04/2023 09:04

This is a tough one. I let my baby weaned at her own pace but I was a sahm and I only had one (at that point). I slept during the day to rest.

I did try night weaning but gave up on the first night as I found it too distressing.

Original poster
Softsoftsleep · 21/04/2023 12:29

A mixture of responses. For the record, I previously tried gentler methods of reducing breastfeeds at night and they were unsuccessful. I would not have attempted cold turkey had I not been at the absolute end of myself. Sometimes I was so exhausted that I would vomit in the morning, or would have such extreme dizzy spells that I would have to sit with my head between my knees during the day. I have now gone back to work full time and just cannot function the way things were, with the baby waking sometimes every 20 minutes all night. It was just about bearable when I was on maternity leave, but impossible now that I'm back to work. I have quite a full-on job, too.

I don't want to give the baby a bottle as this is what I did with my other kids and I ended up creating a different kind of monster. Before bed, I give my baby a really filling supper, so don't see the point in giving her a bottle of formula to fill her up when I've filled her up on food.

I might just take a step back and let her settle herself (with me present, comforting her) for the first put down, after having a breast feed, and then gradually cut the breastfeeding down during the night. My 5 year old was asked to draw a picture of what she would do at the weekend, and she drew a picture of me lying beside the baby's cot with the caption 'shhhh' 😞 we all need a peaceful night.

OP posts:
GU9 · 21/04/2023 12:38

Pick your battles. Just give the baby a bottle.

Original poster
Softsoftsleep · 21/04/2023 18:36

Thanks everyone,I'm feeling a bit better today.

OP posts:
TeamSleep · 21/04/2023 18:54

Bubblebath90 · 21/04/2023 08:43

‘It’s just the type of sleeper you have’ 🙄

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Notlostjustexploring · 21/04/2023 19:22

Could you cuddle her to sleep instead of putting her in her cot awake, as a first step? I had to go cold turkey when my son was a similar age due to some medication i was on. I vaguely remember it was a dark room, rocking chair and cuddles for getting him to sleep, but he adapted fairly efficiently which surprised me. I remember a sippy cup of water featuring as well.

Solidarity though. Sleep deprivation is just brutal. And whatever you do, it will eventually be okay.x

Frosty1000 · 21/04/2023 19:24

I feel for you, I remember how it felt. My lb hated sleep and only went to sleep feeding. I just couldn't face the challenges of night weaning as I was beyond exhausted so being lazy I didn't.

Depends why you want to stop, is it because you want to, feel you have to or just because you're tired.

Over the years the waking up every 2 hours extended to 3, then 4 then to only once. He finally slept through at 4.5.🎉🎉🎉

I ended up naturally weaning and feeding just before bed turned into a cuddle finally at just before 6.

I was lazy but I'm glad I was as no crying was involved and we're all happy.

RedRobyn2021 · 21/04/2023 19:27

It would be a lot easier to night wean when your little one is 18 months, she will understand more by this age.

RedRobyn2021 · 21/04/2023 19:28

Softsoftsleep · 21/04/2023 05:08

My husband was going into her but the crying wouldn't stop. After an hour I went in and fed her because we have other kids who were trying to sleep and it just wasn't fair. I've been up for 2 hours. The baby has gone back to sleep and I need to start getting ready for work soon so there's no point in me going back to bed. I just feel like everything has been for nothing. The crying, spending hours on the floor beside her cot, the mastitis. It's all been for nothing because in thr end I gave in and gave her what she wanted. I'm so annoyed with myself but can't see how else I could have managed things

You did the right thing in my opinion. Your just making life hard, 2 hours to get to sleep? What a nightmare.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 21/04/2023 19:43

I can relate. Honestly I found trying to settle to sleep without the boob more exhausting than the cosleeping and feeding overnight. Two hours to get them down = zero evening. I don’t have much advice as I’m still in that boat, but I let my almost 2yo feed as they want while I’m lying down so I’m not really waking up. I’m sure you’ve tried different positions overnight and it’s tough if they’re not a great cosleeper. For me the wake ups in bed are so much easier than the wake ups having to get up to settle them.

Original poster
Softsoftsleep · 21/04/2023 20:49

Thanks everyone. I am getting longer stretches now she puts herself over to begin with, even if it takes a little longer at the start. She doesn't really cry much at the initial put down but faffs around. Its the subsequent wakes where she gets mad! So maybe I could come tinue something like this, but Co tinue to breastfeed in the night and cut that down. Maybe by the time she is is 18 months I can consider fully quitting.

I absolutely hate co sleeping. My baby wants to stay latched on all night long and my back is in bits by the morning. I'm also conscious she is in the bed and don't fully rest.

It's nice just talking to people who understand how hard it has been. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Softsoftsleep · 21/04/2023 20:52

I want to stop breastfeeding at night so the baby will sleep for longer stretches. I've a full time job and two other children and I'm really starting to feel a lot of resentment that I don't even get a reliable stretch of a few hours sleep to unwind and refresh from the million and one things I spend my day doing. I'm so drained and just want some sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Softsoftsleep · 21/04/2023 20:55

Notlostjustexploring · 21/04/2023 19:22

Could you cuddle her to sleep instead of putting her in her cot awake, as a first step? I had to go cold turkey when my son was a similar age due to some medication i was on. I vaguely remember it was a dark room, rocking chair and cuddles for getting him to sleep, but he adapted fairly efficiently which surprised me. I remember a sippy cup of water featuring as well.

Solidarity though. Sleep deprivation is just brutal. And whatever you do, it will eventually be okay.x

I tried cuddling her on the first night and she howled! She is getting used to the cot now but she did not appreciate being fobbed off with a cuddle at the start😀

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 21/04/2023 21:06

My boy is 17m and still feeds to sleep at night sometimes and through the night wakes 3 or 4 times but I unlatch him after five mins. He accepts this and just turns his head and stays asleep really.
I don't know when I tried this but I think I was just so fucked off at having him attached to me I just unlatched and turned over. And it was fine. So I'm starting to see longer sleep stretches in the night and shorter feed times.

Also could you try a half Weetabix with cosy milk an hour before bedtime or something? May keep her tummy cosy and full and less likely to wake up.