Night weaning: all for nothing

[Softsoftsleep]

Ive previously written about my utter exhaustion breastfeeding my 14 months old during the night. She ou knew how to fall asleep on the breast. I would co sleep to get some kind of semblance of sleep, but it was terrible; poor quality and claustrophobic. I do not want to co sleep anymore. Mumsnet and I agreed it was time to sleep train, especially as I was starting work soon.

3 weeks ago, I commenced the process, whereby instead of breastfeeding baby to sleep, I lay her down in her cot awake, over and over again, until she fell asleep. I shushed and patted her and never left her side. The first night it took her 2 hours to go to sleep and another 2 hours during the night, but it seemed to get shorter each night.

There were some dark moments where she fought it, and by stopping breastfeeding suddenly, I ended up with mastitis. However, my mind frame was that it would all be worth it in the end. There have definitely been some stretches in how long I sleep, but she is still fighting the initial put-down and is waking up. Offering water doesnt work, and baby was so distraught and for so long that we worried the neighbours would complain and that she was actually hungry. So I fed her. The same of deflation I felt when I finally gave in was just so...meh.

Same tonight. Took ages for her to go over, woke 30 minutes later, shushed her to sleep again, then 3 hours later, here I am breastfeeding her ad she was so hesitant to to even lying down when I went into her to settle her.

So now I feel like I've lost motivation for sticking with weaning as the baby has been so resistant to it and I have given confusing messages by giving in. It's hard to hold resolve when she has been crying for an hour and you've to get up for work in 2 hours, as us what has happened this week.

I thought 'no pain, no gain' but feel like I've gone back to square 1.

Haha I tried this one already. When I unlatch her she gets very cross and if I turn my back to her, she'll try to claw at my clothes to pull me back over. Even now when I am gently patting the mattress of her cot to gesture for her to lie down, she gets really peeved and angrily tries to lift my hand out of the cot. A headstrong little lady!

I give her a good supper in the evenings, either a dinner or weetabixy type meal, followed by a breastfeed. It doesn't seem to make any difference.

Well sometimes you have to try things before you know if they'll work. No parent can be perfect all the time.

OK, she's asleep now. Am hoping I can get a good few hours to have a cup of tea and a small block of sleep until next time...

I don't have any answers as I am still feeding my 22 month old through the night. She usually does a stretch of about 4 hours followed by a couple of 2 hour stretches and some shorter wakings. I night weaned my older two earlier because everyone said it would help. For me, it was as you describe - 1-2 hours of crying each night to go down, then multiple wakings when they would scream and cry. I haven't done it this time as it's quicker to wake and feed than have hours of crying in the night.

So, as I said, no help, just a hand hold and an understanding of how it feels to be so tired you are sick and dizzy with exhaustion

I honestly was very determined but I wasn't expecting her to resist for so long. I endured sleeping on the floor and had to go on antibiotics because of the mastitis. I didn't go into it to confuse my baby. In fact, I'm conscious that she must be sleeping terribly, which isn't good for her development either. I'm really trying my best.

I did a big relieved sigh when I read your post. I didn't sleep train my older two and my husband and I didn't sleep for about 4 years. The kids finally start sleeping and I got pregnant again and could not face things being how they were, which is why I was determined to knock this on the head now. Did it ever work with your other two?

I think your first step needs to be separating feeding and sleeping....eg: feed her in the evening before bed, then get DH to settle her, then at each waking, get DH to try and settle her, if he can't briefly feed her then hand her to him to resettle again.Once she is used to getting herself to sleep without feeding to sleep, then hopefully the pressure might ease for you with it.

Suddenly going cold turkey and all the resulting crying could well be causing her to be more clingy as she feels confused/insecure about why her comfort has suddenly been taken away (does she have any other comfort objects at all such as a dummy or Teddy?)

Vomiting and intense dizzy spells sounds extreme for just exhaustion....are you sure there isn't something else going on medically for you here that needs checking out?

I really like your idea of giving the baby to my husband after a quick feed. Will discuss this with him and come up with a bit of plan for that going forward.

Sorry but had to laugh at your 'just exhaustion' comment. I don't really know what to say to that other than the response has been extreme because at times, the exhaustion has been extreme.

@Mummyof287 I meant to say that I tried to make her like a Teddy but she wasn't buying it! I kept incorporating it into our feeds but she wasn't interested. I tried dummies so many times. Nope 🙅🏻 I am definitely taking on board that not breastfeeding her may have made her feel insecure lately.

It never worked for us. I didn't go back to feeding them, but I did end up rocking and cuddling them to sleep. The eldest still isn't a great sleeper even now (he's 7), we sit with him while he falls asleep which is actually the quickest/easiest way. The middle one is 4 and no issues now.

I was convinced I was doing something wrong and tiredness meant we weren't somehow following all the (many many) books advice on sleep training correctly. Then my sister sleep trained her twins. One was fine - cried the first night for about 30 mins, then for about 5-10 mins when put down and was ok, occasionally waking but easily soothed. The other twin was just like my children had been, inconsolable and refusing to sleep. She went back to feeding so as not to disturb twin 1, and we all concluded sleep training works with some children better than others!

You might want to feed her downstairs or in a different room too, so you aren't in sight around the time he is settling her.

Sorry I don't mean to play down your exhaustion by any means....lack of sleep is torturous I get that, but I just wasn't sure how it could cause vomiting? (Dizziness maybe) so just wondered if there might be something else going on.

Sending lots of hope and luck that things improve soon.

Breastfeeding is a lovely thing but also can feel very trapping at times can't it, and as natural as it is the often resulting heightened needs for closeness and comfort through feeding from baby on a regular repeated basis really doesn't fit in with the modern day demands of working!

I night weaned DD at 2 as 2 years of being awake every few hours too feed her was enough and at that point she could cope with it without getting too upset (before then it never happened) I think I'll end up doing the same with DD2 as she is 18mo now and very similar (although doesn't always have to feed to sleep whereas DD1 always did)

I hope decaf tea! I realised my nighttime cuppy was keeping me up at night! Not good when you are sleep deprived.

I think you just have to either accept this is what it's like for a few more months or you need to be tough but the two hour of screaming and crying would be more wearing imo.
It's so tough. I feel for you

No, no, I know you didn't. I wasn't sure how to answer. I guess sometimes when I've had several consecutive days of dreadful sleep, I feel so nauseous that I will throw up. My husband has had to take time off work so I can just sleep while he has the baby and when I wake up I feel so much better and the nausea is gone. Same with the dizzy spells. Both come after a build up of very poor sleep and it feels like my memory of what hangovers were like when I used to drink.

I do think I need to just grin and bear it and accept I need to do things more slowly. She just woke up and DH has gone in to her. I can't hear any crying so hopefully she will go back over. Am glad you.managed to sleep train your older child. Hopefully things go smoothly with your second!

Just because I haven't seen it addressed in responses - dizzy and vomiting in the morning (and loose bowels) is symptomatic of low blood pressure. I've been advised to stay laying down and drink water for 10 minutes after waking to help this (otherwise I black out and all of the above for a little while).

I have a co sleeping 14 month old breastfed baby too. She doesn't wake me properly to feed as I sleep topless next to her. She would be a nightmare to train though, she wants skin contact more than milk. But she's a dream compared to her older brother (allergies, reflux, and now ARFID), who still wakes me fully at night for milk (oat + paediasure, not breast).

Oh if the nausea is at any time of day, that's standard for longer term sleep deprivation, sorry. Didn't mean to over diagnose!

Haha I could drink a litre of Red Bull and be out like a light at the first opportunity. So.etimes I have a cup of coffee before bed and the second the baby sleeps, I'm out for the count. Only babies keep me awake haha

Yes its during the day and normally when I'm trying to push through the exhaustion. It sounds like you've had your fair share of disrupted sleep. Hugs to you too.

@Softsoftsleep I know you are trying your best, I am firmly on your side I get nauseous with tiredness too and I'm nowhere near as sleep deprived as you (I also have a 1 year old though) it hits me when I lie down beside her to attempt bedtime

Thank you. I know you're on my side 🌹i took the opportunity to pour my heart out a bit 😀 totally get 2hqt you mean about feeling the tiredness when you lie down beside them!

So she woke twice since I put her down. Both times Dh sorted it quickly. Third time is now and this time I'm feeding her. She is sleeping on my breast but as I try to unlatch her she gets upset. The sensation of prolonged breastfeeding is very unpleasant: I can't even fathom co sleeping tonight. Every fibre in my being wants to sleep alone. I'm hoping she will give me a good sretch when she does go to sleep.

I don't have any actual advice, but just wanted to say I've been there and it was fucking awful - but it will end. You will get through this. My non-sleeper is now 9 and goes to bed happily, reads for an hour or so, fairly frequently (including tonight) puts his light out himself, and sleeps through until between 6 and 7. Doesn't usually wake us much before 7. At one point I honestly thought I'd never get more than two hours of sleep in one stretch ever again and it was just so awful. But it's all a distant memory now.

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. I am a sleep consultant. Can I just ask how her naps are during the day and also what time is she going to bed? It sounds like she is getting there just taking her time.

Thank you for the empathy and I am so glad you're finally getting your rest!!!
@bowiesmum she has a half hour nap from 10-10.30 then 3 hours from 1-3. I technically start bedtime at 8 but generally she won't be asleep until 9.30/10pm. To be fair, things have improved massively. Previously, she napped any time she wanted but for 10 minutes at a time. It was extremely difficult to establish a good nap routine but nursery kind of sorted it for us, although I'd made groundwork by then.

After I fed her last night, I slept in the living room and she didn't wake until an hour ago. Dh brought her into the living room and sent me back to bed. She clung to me like a little limpet though and it took an hour of snuggling, breastfeeding and TV so sneak away for a rare bit of sleep! I think she is really feeling the effect of me going back to work full time.

But things are getting better, despite me moaning.

Sorry for the typos...I'm still bleary eyed!

That's great you have made such good progress!

She really is doing amazing and at her own pace.

Could I suggest an earlier bedtime? At her age you could put her down at 7, is that still isn't working, I'd prob start cutting the morning nap a little. I would say the later bedtime is making it harder for her to put down but also can increase night wakings