I have cancer - my ex is being a twat about the kids.

[Ohwhataconundrumthisis]

Situation is that I have 5 kids by my ex husband.

He hasn't seen or bothered with cards, gifts, calls or anything for probably 4 or 5 years now. He is remarried and busy bringing up his new wife's kids now so his kids aren't relevant to his life anymore.

I've been living with cancer for around 4 years, I keep getting glimmers of hope that things are improving, but overall they are a bit worse just now.

Obviously this has prompted me to wonder where the fuck my kids will go if I die, which isn't exactly imminent, but nit outwith the realms of possibilities in the next few years.

My ex blocked me when I tried to have the discussion, however he has said that he will oppose anyone I nominate so my dc will go into the care system. I think it's because he doesn't like the only person who I know is willing and able to take my kids on.

He hasn't bothered at all when my dd was diagnosed with epilepsy, he hasn't bothered when they have struggled with me going through treatments and a pretty savage operation - I had to go back to doing school runs 2 days after major surgery. He just doesn't care.

Can he do this, block someone having my dc if he isn't willing to have them himself?

It's such a fucking mess, he doesn't care, isn't bothered at all, but just wants to make my life, and their lives worse for the sake of it.

Any insight into wtf I can do will be much appreciated.

I’m not an expert, but it doesn’t seem likely to me unless he had a genuine reason to believe the person you nominate (who is willing) to be unsuitable. Could they manage 5 DC, is there any reason he could fabricate that would seem to need investigation by SS?

Children being taken into the care system is a last resort. It would have to be a compelling reason why he thought this person was unsuitable and was refusing to house them himself.

I’m so sorry he’s an arsehole, and that you’re dealing with cancer

Can he do this, block someone having my dc if he isn't willing to have them himself?

Nope.

Social services will try to find the best carer for them if he won't look after them himself.

So if another relative of yours or even his - and they can be a half relation or step-relation - decides to step up and can care for them then they will be considered.

Also if one of your children is 16+ they may end up being asked to look after their younger siblings.

I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through this. I think your best course of action is to get a solicitor who specializes in family law who can advise you about what you need to have in place regarding your children should you pass away. Best wishes

Yes he can raise objections, and yes it could all end up in court

You need to make sure you have described your reasons for why it is in your DC's interests to live in the situation you have set up. So things like being able to stay together, to continue at school with their friends, that the adults are familiar to them (and are willing, capable, suitable people) etc.

If he's just throwing a tantrum, it'll come to naught very quickly.

Make sure financial arrangements under your Will, and consider nominating a different person to run the financial affairs, separate from the guardian you want them to live with. Have fallback people for those both roles too, so that if by horrid misfortune one cannot do the role, there isn't a gap for the ex to step in to.

Also consider what happens if you become too incapacitated to care for DC adequately. Social Services may well become involved as this point, but if they approve a situation when you are still alive with your DC resident with the person you have chosen, then it would be extremely difficult for your ex to get that overturned

Sorry that you're going through this

I think this is actually worth a discussion with a family law solicitor. You need a will with your wishes for the children clearly outlined, and hou need some reassurance from someone who knows the system about what will happen if your ex decides to be a twat. I’d imagine that he would always be the first person asked/expected to take on the kids, but he probably can’t dictate they go into care if he’s unwilling to take responsibility for them.

The person who I want to take my dc has a grown up dc of their own, no younger ones, and we have had a million discussions about it. He is heavily involved in their lives already, and will move into my home so as not to disrupt them, and, thankfully, I have good life insurance so more than enough to look after them until adulthood so financial wouldn't be an issue.

My oldest is 19 soon, and she would absolutely give up her life to look after the younger ones, however she is on a heavy duty university course and is set to be studying for the next 5 years minimum, and I absolutely don't want her giving up her dreams to raise her siblings because their mum died.

Ex told me (before he blocked me) that he would take them in initially then give them up to the system if he had to do it that way. He's honestly such a nasty prick. He has no interest in my dc at all, which is bad enough, but wanting to go out of his way to disrupt their lives when they are grieving is beyond anything I could comprehend from a parent.

A solicitor is a good shout, I'll contact one next week, although I assume his parental rights would override my will, I'm not sure how it would work.

I can't get over the spite.

This is a horrible situation to be in. Please get some sound legal advice. It is vital that appropriate custody of your children are covered by a will in the event you become too unwell to care for them, or sadly die. It's not a case of 'he can just block it', this decision needs taking out of his hands if he is going to be so immature about it.

Your ex can’t do that. Is it worth somehow documenting all of this? This must have happened to someone before and therefore there be some sort of procedure to follow.

Did he tell you this in writing by any chance or on the phone?

weite down everything. Everything he’s said (and when if you can - if it was in person where it was and who else was there) about what he’d do and why.

Every contact he’s had and every one he’s missed.

And get good legal advice.

Also if the person who’d take them on is able to do so get them involved now - make them a school emergency contact, have them be a significant part of your children’s lives so that the relationship can be shown and is known by the professionals in your lives.

Custody can’t be sorted by a will, but your will will and wishes can help with decisions made.

So sorry you are in this situation OP.

Do you have a Macmillan nurse or any other support through the hospital? I wonder if they have someone who can advise you? Give the Macmillan Support Line a call? https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help/macmillan-support-line

I am sure it would give you great peace of mind to have a contingency plan in place. And for someone ‘official’, a social worker or family lawyer, to have prior knowledge that your ex is likely to block your nominated person for spiteful reasons.

I have records/screenshots/voice recordings of all of our communication about this, and a massive file on all of the other twatty stuff he has done over the years as well.

If I do become too unwell to care for them my dd is around a lot, and my friend will move in to take over the day to day stuff, I have as much arranged as I possibly can, all I need is for my ex not to be an arsehole about it all and just let my plans go ahead.

He has said that he wouldn't allow our eldest to care for the younger ones because she is a lesbian (not the word he used), he is very homophobic, and our daughter coming out prompted him going from 2 yearly visits and the odd phonecall to absolutely nothing at all. He blamed me for it and said I encouraged it, so he feels my influence will encourage our other daughters to be gay too 🙄 and he wants no part of that lifestyle (I wasn't aware on his full thoughts until there was discussion of me dying, and he listed all the reasons why me and the kids are shit and why he wouldn't have them).

All he would have to do is literally nothing, but he is choosing to go out of his way to punish me and the kids and make life more stressful.

To give up his children to the care system presumably he would have to give up his parental responsibility? So at that point, he wouldn’t get a say about who they were taken in by? I’m not a lawyer, so do check that out carefully with someone qualified.
Can you make sure the house is put in trust for the kids so if there’s a shitty interim period why your ex messes everyone around then the house is still there waiting when he reveals he won’t take responsibility for his minor children?

Hi op I didn't want to read and run.

First of all I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.

Although I don't have experience of your exact situation I do believe that the family courts would rather a child be with a familiar suitable guardian than be placed into care even if your ex husband doesn't want them to be. Him not wanting custody of the children and not even having contact with them now will definitely go against him

I hope your doing ok you sound like a wonderful mum

Take care of yourself xx

I have records/screenshots/voice recordings of all of our communication about this, and a massive file on all of the other twatty stuff he has done over the years as well.

That’s good.

Although it’s different the children of a late friend of mine live with their stepfather now despite rabid objections by their father and his family.

Their mum documented his lack of interest in them, nasty messages and threats that he’d cut off their step father and half sibling. The courts have full residency to the step-dad and dad was offered (but doesn’t take) EOW access.

They go very much by what’s best for the children.

Don't give him head space OP. I'm so sorry about your cancer. If you were to pass the only thing your exh could decide is if he would take them in or not. After that SS makes the decisions. If you make a will and leave a letter of wishes naming the person you want and that they agree to move in with kids and care for them. SS will always place children with family/friends if possible and it would mean the siblings could stay together. It is very unlikely SS can find a foster carer who can take all 5 or 4 after your dd goes to Uni.

I have nominated my sister as guardian to the kids. ExH has lost parental responsibility. DSis knows that in reality my BF will take on my kids.

Child custody after Death of a Parent | Child Lawyers | Kabir Family Law

Hope this helps. Sorry re you being poorly X

Thank you all.

My friend and I did discuss getting married to make things more stable for the kids and easier for him to take care of them, however us being married and living together would have financial implications as Im currently reliant on benefits.

If I get diagnosed as terminal then I can take a portion of my life insurance upfront, so that will be something to look into if that situation should arise.

I will make an appointment at a solicitor on Monday and see what is what, but I've never actually thought about trying to get his PR taken away, this may be a good plan, does anyone know how easy that would be? That would solve my main concern. He wouldn't pay out to fight it in court, but if he could do it very cheap or free he would definitely fight it.

It may be worth my while getting SS involved at the moment, I don't need support, and the kids are getting lots of support at school as well, but I wonder if I could get a support worker or something so they can see that my friend and I have things covered here and have a stable environment.

Thank you all, it's good to discuss this without people saying "you won't die it will be fine".

I wonder if removing your exes PR and your friend adopting the kids might be a way forward? I imagine it will be a lengthy and complicated process but one better dealt with now ahead of time.

Or your eldest daughter acquiring PR?

Your friend could register as a private foster carer. This involves having a medical etc. He wouldn’t have to actually foster any kids, but it would mean he was legally “authorised” and appropriately vetted if you died, which would make it much harder for your ex to object.

My experience of the care system (I have 2 cousins who’ve had their kids in care at some point) is that SS will do anything to save money. They have very little in the way of resources, and there aren’t enough registered foster carers. When my cousin’s toddler needed looking after they approached family and several of her friends too. Basically if anyone who passed the DBS check would have taken him for free, he’d have gone there.

Im pretty sure if the kids were referred to social work because your ex had "given them up" essentially - the SS would seek to place with friends or family as kinship care first before considering foster care. Definitely worth a chat with family lawyer or CAB

on another subject, do you live in your own home, a social housing home or privately rented home?

The reason I ask is because if the home is rented then its important to know who is named on the tenancy. The reason being if its just your name on the tenancy you need to get help and advice on this, as if you die then the house needs to be kept for the children to live in and tenancy don't always pass smoothly from one family member to another - so id really strongly urge you to do something now about getting your dd name on the tenancy

how old is your youngest dc? if they are over 10 years old, then they can be listened to as to not go and live with their father

Social services will be very reluctant to take 4 children into care (obviously your 19yo would not be taken into care). I'm assuming the children are older based on the ages and time scales involved?

In general, if there was someone willing to offer kinship care for older teens, then SS would bite their hand off. Finding foster carers for 4 teens is not easy and is costly!

I think the thing your ex is missing is that if your children were taken into care then SS would want to find the most suitable home for them, and if they assessed this person as suitable, it would be difficult for your ex to do anything if he also wasn't willing to take the children into his own care. He could make complaints etc but I'm not sure there's a legal route for him to block this as such?