I have cancer - my ex is being a twat about the kids.

[Ohwhataconundrumthisis]

Situation is that I have 5 kids by my ex husband.

He hasn't seen or bothered with cards, gifts, calls or anything for probably 4 or 5 years now. He is remarried and busy bringing up his new wife's kids now so his kids aren't relevant to his life anymore.

I've been living with cancer for around 4 years, I keep getting glimmers of hope that things are improving, but overall they are a bit worse just now.

Obviously this has prompted me to wonder where the fuck my kids will go if I die, which isn't exactly imminent, but nit outwith the realms of possibilities in the next few years.

My ex blocked me when I tried to have the discussion, however he has said that he will oppose anyone I nominate so my dc will go into the care system. I think it's because he doesn't like the only person who I know is willing and able to take my kids on.

He hasn't bothered at all when my dd was diagnosed with epilepsy, he hasn't bothered when they have struggled with me going through treatments and a pretty savage operation - I had to go back to doing school runs 2 days after major surgery. He just doesn't care.

Can he do this, block someone having my dc if he isn't willing to have them himself?

It's such a fucking mess, he doesn't care, isn't bothered at all, but just wants to make my life, and their lives worse for the sake of it.

Any insight into wtf I can do will be much appreciated.

What a shit situation. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this. 💐

Just an fyi if you start declining rapidly you can get married in hospital. When I was a nurse I attended several and a couple were for practically the same reasons; he would be entitled to your pension which help financially. Get a will drawn up, name him as a guardian then marry.
I’m so sorry you have these concerns when you should be enjoying some time with your kids.

Hi OP, I think I read that you're eldest is 19? In that case you should name her executor of your estate and full beneficiary of your will and any assets. You can then write her a detailed letter of what is to happen with the life insurance money, i.e pay off mortgage, x amount divided between the children and x amount for their care (for her pass on in increments if she isn't looking after them?). In regards to your exH, he doesn't get to choose who looks after the kids if he is unwilling, that would be giving up his PR. I know you wouldn't want your daughter to 'give up her life ' to look after the kids but it wouldn't be for long and you have provisions in place to ensure she isn't struggling financially to do it. She could absolutely take up her studies at a later date once youngest is 18 which isn't really that long away and both her and your best friend could raise them? Within that time, the other DC will turn adults too so they'd all be together and helping out each other?

Sorry to hear what you're going through 💐 my ex was an absolute twat too, bit I had major surgery last year and faced a similar worry. I went to see a solicitor and was able to state in my will that I wanted my brother to hold any inheritance in trust and become his legal guardian. The ex could have contested it, but that it would probably be a waste of his money and time. Obviously, I'm writing this, so it didn't get tested. I was also worried that he would only have pushed it as my kids would have inherited the house as the insurance would have paid off the mortgage.

Does your ex have a specific reason for blocking your friend as guardian other than "not liking him"? As in, does he have anything he could use against your friend? From what you said previously though, I suspect his dislike is because your friend is gay? Judging by what you've said about his reaction to your DD.

What is your DD's view of her dad? Is she aware of what he's said? If she is and she is prepared to say all of this in court if necessary, surely that would count for a lot.

Lastly, do you have parents/other close relatives who would be prepared to be named guardians (but have your friend look after them practically day to day)?

Speaking as a social worker, marrying your friend would make no difference, so I wouldn’t do that. If you are informed the worst will happen (I truly hope it doesn’t 💐) you are better off making an application to court for a child arrangements order (CAO) for your friend, with parental responsibility (PR) for him and care. Your ex can oppose this and may do, but this will be argued out in court. Otherwise, social services would likely become involved if you passed away and your friend was caring for your children as he would have no PR for them (neither would anyone else offering immediate care) and it would be a private fostering arrangement. The CAO would also prevent your ex from being able to just take the children at any point if he wanted to. Don’t try and remove ex’s PR as this is incredibly unlikely to happen (never seen a court grant this in the past 13 years)

So, your top priority is:

1. Do everything you can, in your will, to ensure that the guardianship of your children is as you wish. Specifically prevent exH from taking any control over them. Talk to a solicitor about how you do this in your Will, and how you lodge the evidence that he is not fit and not trustworthy. Ask how you should document and leave on record your reasons and evidence for your choices. Find out whether you should talk to SS now.
2. Then sort out the rest of your affairs, Will, money, house etc to support your guardianship choices in the best interests of the children and practical for the guardian. Discuss with lawyer any benefits in marrying the guardian. Check your pension. (My Dc is named as beneficiary of mine, a private pension).
3. NB Any Will will become invalid on marriage. But you can make a will in anticipation of marriage, I think.

But get the guardianship issue sorted first. It will be OK OP: as a PP said your children are old enough for their wishes to be taken into account and it doesn’t sound as if they would beg to live with their father.

Your friend sounds wonderful. Families come in many forms.

Very valuable info from BertyMyrtle.

Not a lawyer, but I'd think the ages of the kids will be key. Their wishes will be taken into account. If a 16yo refuses to move to dad and wants to live with their sister I'm not sure what a court can do to make them!

Your ex can't say they can't stay with other suitable people if he is unwilling to take them himself. If he does take them himself then tried to surrender them ... the first thing they would do is look to other family, so they would go to their oldest sister if she is deemed suitable. I can't see a way he can prevent them going to their sister without having them himself. Even then he would need to prove he is suitable - which if he can't house, no relationship, kids don't want to, too far a move when someone is willing to keep them in existing home, is less likely.

I'd get yourself a damn good will though where your ex can't access any money. Talk to a solicitor about putting the house etc in trust for the kids. I'm pretty sure you can have someone else administering the trust so if your ex wanted money from it to raise the kids he'd have to ask the person administering (friend or your DD?) first about what he wants and why.

Ultimately I'd have thought this will be an expensive exercise for your ex where he can't get what he wants (he has to be a parent himself or they at least go to your eldest if not your friend if he tried to surrender them) so hopefully he'd get legal advice and give up.

Can your friend adopt your children? It rescinds the rights of the other birth parent. It’s a fairly lengthy process but it’s do-able by the sounds of it.
If not, can you approach social services? Explain issues with the father and provide them with copies of everything, in case?

This is what I would do

So sorry you are going through this and you will get through it you WILL!

In the meantime make a letter of wishes right now and send it to all your friends and relatives so it puts your mind at rest until you make a Will. CAB can help you find a free Will Service.

Hoping it doesn't come to it, and he hasn't been in their lives properly why would they want to live with him?

Sending you power and strength x

I have no advice other than to contact a solicitor and hope there is a way for your wishes to be taken seriously should the worst happen. Wishing you the best x

Thank you all, you're really helping me move forward with what I need to do.

Any of the options wrt to friend and I marrying now, or him adopting my dc just now would have financial implications for me, and him. It's interesting to know that it wouldn't make a difference to SS allowing my dc to stay with him, that's helpful to know.

If I am to get a terminal diagnosis then that would change things significantly, and I can take a lump sum from my life insurance, which would stop most of the benefits anyway so I could move forward with getting friend legally involved as a step parent or Co parent.

I don't think adoption will ever be an option as my ex wouldn't let it, he wouldn't allow my dc to change names and I had to take that to court also, if he allowed adoption then he would never be able to tell everyone that I'm withholding his dc and alienated him and all the other lies he tells.

It's my fault he knows all of this, I was hoping if I told him the situation he would have some compassion, start seeing the kids more, get over his homophobia, and generally step up and be a parent. I knew deep down he never would, but I didn't think he would use it against me as he is.

His main objections to my friend caring for my dc is because he is homophobic (mixed in with him thinking we are shagging and him not wanting my dc to ever have a step dad).

Next week my will, and the wording of it will be my top priority, I'll have to have some hard conversations with eldest dd, but I think you're right that she should be in charge of that side of things then there will be no ex trying to gold dig, and she and my friend will sort it out between them, they are also very good friends and have cared for my dc together through my treatments and operations.

I was hoping not to put too much on her, but she would be really upset if she knew I was struggling to find a solution and didn't ask her in order for her to get on in life. She's truly a lovely, sensible girl, and she has been an angel.

Neither exh or I have any family (bar a few distant cousins and aunties) so none of them would be an option as they don't really know my dc at all. Friend has been there from day one, at least once a week, at the moment it's daily, so he knows the kids almost as well as I do.

I also have evidence of exh saying he wouldn't give my dd her medication for epilepsy, as well as him saying I have munchausen by proxy when she has been in hospital, and telling me it's my shitty genetics etc, he hates it that she has epilepsy and finds it embarrassing, so I would really worry about her health with him.

After I speak to a solicitor I will contact SS and see what can be put into place, I just floated the idea of friend registering as a Foster carer past him, and he said he would happily do that if it makes things easier should I become a lot more poorly, maybe that would be a better option actually as he would get a little more money from the state I think? There's absolutely no reason he wouldn't be accepted, no criminal record (bar shoplifting a Cadbury top deck from woolworths when we were 13 🤣) he's fit and healthy and has a good job, own house etc (although he would move into mine and rent his out should I die).

There's just so much to think about, and it's causing additional stress that ex is putting a spanner in the works out of spite when all he actually has to do is nothing, and leave me to make arrangements.

Adoption would not be an option due to the ages of the children and it would end from their dad. He is talking bollocks. There is no way on earth he can block someone else caring for them if he isn’t bothered, and also if he says he wants to care for them he can’t then ‘put them in care’. There is a nationwide shortage of foster carers and they would not be taken into care unless for safeguarding reasons as there would be no where for them to go.
if I were you I would see a solicitor and speak to your local authority social care team front door\ mash team and ask about a special guardianship order for your friend. An assessment can take months so I would start the ball rolling on that now, an SGO gives the guardian PR for the children, so can claim benefits for them and give consent for medical treatment etc, without removing it from parents. It is what is often used for step parents where the children are too old to be adopted or for grandparents or family members when they are caring for children for the family.

I have nothing to add to the great advice you've had, but just wanted to say what a fantastic mum you clearly are. Your exH is so unbelievably awful that it's hard to know how he can live with himself. Sending you and your lovely family every strength.

I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation.

I'd definitely get legal advice in your position but my first thoughts were that you might want to look at appointing your eldest DD and the friend as co-guardians and that the best financial arrangement would be a trust on behalf of all the children with a third party trustee who could release money to whoever was caring for the children to cover their living expenses.

Op such a lot of good advice here,
Just one thing l would add, you need to start manipulating you spectacularly evil ex to YOUR advantage...you now know who he is so act accordingly.

Feed him the line that you are getting better, no mention of your friend, feed him only information that will futher your and Dcs future plans. Think hard about how to get him in a position of being clearly unfit.

Take the gloves off

Wishing you and your lovely sounding children much good luck and peace.

Does your ex even need to know if you die? Can you state in all your medical records etc that he is not to be informed. I'm assuming your children have no independent contact with their dad so unlikely to tell him.

That way, but the time he might find out all the arrangements have been made and he can't do anything about it.

I'm in a similar situation though I must stress I do not have cancer but a different life limiting condition. However I'm a widow. So like you, I'm deeply concerned about what will happen to DD when I'm gone.

Btw what does outwith mean? Never heard that one before

If your oldest dc is over 18 she can become guardian of the children and nominate whoever she wants to assist her. In fact she could technically employ the person you want to care for the children in her absence.
I was at Uni with someone whose parents had died when she was 16. Her grandmother became the legal guardian u til my friend was 18 then she became legal guardian to her 3 younger siblings.
A good solicitor will be able to advise.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

May I ask how your ExH lost parental responsibility? I didn't think that was possible except in very extreme circumstances??

I'm afraid this is almost impossible except in very, very extreme circumstances and is incredibly unlikely to be granted by court

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-jan-apr-2017/how-to-remove-parental-responsibility/

Thank you, I've had so much amazing advice. Sometimes I can't see the woods for the trees and I struggle to know where to start when I need to sort everything, so often end up just sticking my head in the sand.

I'm not sure how it would work with ex being informed, I presumed I couldn't just die and leave kids without him having to consent to some things as it's currently just him and me who have PR so I assume he would find out eventually.

He has all the kids blocked and now me too, so no contact with any of us, which is fine actually, if he would sign his rights to the kids away i would be delighted, but he wants that little bit of control still, which is pathetic.

My dd and friend are my NOK on everything, so jobody actually knows how to contact ex, I'm not sure SS would know where to start either.

I literally have a filing cabinet drawer full of violent, awful, evil stuff he has said and done, plus his criminal record, the divorce papers, the non molestations that have been granted, and all the potentially harmful things he had said about my dds so there's so much evidence for him being unfit.

I would be far less pissed off if he wanted to take them and fought for that, but he doesn't want them either, he just wants to upset them and me and turn their lives upside down when they are grieving their mum. He truly is a piece of shit.

Hopefully it will all come to nothing and I can hold on for at least 6 years (I'm definitely not terminal yet but there was a bit of bad news at my last appt).

So my plan is - make a solicitor appointment on Monday, call Mcmillan, call SS for advice, see solicitor and get my will air tight so ex can't benefit, and see what solicitor suggests so my friend/dd can get parental responsibility and keep them should I die.