I have cancer - my ex is being a twat about the kids.

[Ohwhataconundrumthisis]

Situation is that I have 5 kids by my ex husband.

He hasn't seen or bothered with cards, gifts, calls or anything for probably 4 or 5 years now. He is remarried and busy bringing up his new wife's kids now so his kids aren't relevant to his life anymore.

I've been living with cancer for around 4 years, I keep getting glimmers of hope that things are improving, but overall they are a bit worse just now.

Obviously this has prompted me to wonder where the fuck my kids will go if I die, which isn't exactly imminent, but nit outwith the realms of possibilities in the next few years.

My ex blocked me when I tried to have the discussion, however he has said that he will oppose anyone I nominate so my dc will go into the care system. I think it's because he doesn't like the only person who I know is willing and able to take my kids on.

He hasn't bothered at all when my dd was diagnosed with epilepsy, he hasn't bothered when they have struggled with me going through treatments and a pretty savage operation - I had to go back to doing school runs 2 days after major surgery. He just doesn't care.

Can he do this, block someone having my dc if he isn't willing to have them himself?

It's such a fucking mess, he doesn't care, isn't bothered at all, but just wants to make my life, and their lives worse for the sake of it.

Any insight into wtf I can do will be much appreciated.

Well done for getting it all sorted.

You sound amazingly calm against all that life has thrown at you - and that can't be easy.

And absolutely work out the finances. That's not scroungy.

Good luck and l hope that your treatment goes well op. 💐💐💐

Just came on to say good luck with the treatment and well done for fighting for the right thing for your DC. You are great and I truly hope all goes well for you x

Another one wishing you all the best. I hope your treatment is successful and that you have many more years. Can I say how much I admire you for dealing with this in such a thouthful and rational manner when you must have so much else to consider. 💐And I'm sure your children are a credit to you.

I’m so sorry, you need to see a solicitor about putting the money in a trust so there your ex can’t get it. Nominate someone to oversee it, then if your ex gets the kids there will be nothing for him to take. You can specify to who even oversees the trust that if the kids are with their dad the money gets held onto until they are independent of him.

Thank you all.

I feel a lot calmer now it's all sorted out.

I'm the sort of person who needs a few days to be dramatic, then I sort out everything I can possibly sort out so I feel a bit more in control and just chill after that.

Financially the kids will get the house, with friend having the right to live here until youngest is 21. The kids will get a small chunk of money each when they are 21, this will be put into separate savings for them. The money for day to day living will be between friend paying the bills here, and some money that will be kept separately in an account in dds name and benefits. Dd will essentially pay child support to friend from this (it will be classed as such because dd will have PR and guardianship), and any expenses over a certain amount will need both of them to sign off on it, so if the washing machine breaks or they want a holiday or whatever dd and friend will need to agree and withdraw the money together.

The benefit of it being put into dds name with friend as a trustee is that ex can't get his hands on any of it. When dd gets PR if I die she can choose to pay friend maintenence but its not a legal requirement so ex wouldn't get money, he could technically put a request in for money but friend and dd would deny it and he couldn't do a thing about it. He also would have no claim on my house and no right to move in here at all.

Something else I have done is arrange a direct cremation, so there will be no funeral, this will minimise the chances of ex finding out if I die. Dd and friend will inform only those who need to know for the benefit of the kids, and there will be no announcements or anything so even if ex googled he wouldn't find out anything.

Me and the kids are all off to the beach for a bbq this weekend, time to start making more lovely memories, now I've sorted out the finances and custody it's time to have some fun so they aren't left with years of memories of a poorly and stressy mum ❤️

Thank you all again for your support.

I read this thread when you started it and didn't post as I had no legal advice to give. But wanted to say you are such a thoughtful mum and it must be so difficult to have to make these kind of decisions in life for your death.

There really should be more information avaliable for people in this situation. Up until reading this I naively thought it was simple but I hope It helps others think about death in a practical way. I know I will now sort my own affairs out even though I am for and healthy.

Wishing you and your family many more years of being together.

Thank you 💐

In all fairness I had life insurance sorted out, but until I got cancer I had no real will, I just assumed it would go to the kids and they would be older and it would sort itself out.

It's been a real eye opener for me too.

I hope nobody else has to put up with an ex as awful as mine, but I hope it gives someone a bit of an idea what to ask for and a bit of hope should they come up against a similar situation.

Well done. Bloody twatex. So pleased he can't get money nor house.

When is dc2 18 and would they be involved in caring for dcs3-5?

Not wishing to derail the thread, but my DH died suddenly last year. If I could give anyone one piece of advice it would be to make a will and tell people what sort of funeral you want. My DH wouldn't do either and it made life difficult when it was already very distressing. I know it seems morbid but it's just dealing with practicalities.
Again wishing the OP all you wish yourself.

My dds are 10, 12, 14, 16 and 19 (in a few days). They are all pretty close and supportive so I imagine it will be pretty similar to now where they just support each other rather than one having to raise the others as such. They go to dd1 for guidance, dd2 if they need someone to blindly defend them first and ask questions later, dd3 for homework help, dd4 for anything geeky they need an encyclopedic knowledge of like 80s films or 70s bands or any marvel questions and dd5 for cuddles and if they need a laugh. I'm so very lucky to have them all.

@loislovesstewie I'm so sorry that you miss your husband, and that you had so much to deal with afterwards. Very wise words, we should all be as organised as possible to make it easier for those we love.

Op what a lovely description of your dd, and I'm so pleased that you have sorted everything.

I wish other people would see how important it is to deal with all these things, just because you don't talk about death doesn't mean it wont happen.

Wishing you well for the future.

I meant dd's.

Cancer is a bastard! I hope your surgery & next lot of treatment go well.

You're an absolute legend getting all of that sorted so well & getting your ex bastard wanker properly locked out of their 'care' & the finances!! Total 🌟

Your friend sounds amazing too, I'm glad you have each other.

5 girls so close together, that must have been crazy when they were young!! Especially as a single parent.

I admire your strength and determination to make good memories now.

l'll be thinking of you, it would be fabulous if you could give us the odd update to let us know how you're all doing 💕

OP I've only just read this thread and so pleased to see you have plans in place for your DDs.

I loved hearing about them all and they sound wonderful - such a credit to you. Should the worst happen (let's hope not) they will all have each other.

Best of luck with your treatment. I really hope it's successful and you can put all this behind you and enjoy the rest of their young lives with them xxx

My mum died when we were 7, 10, 14, 16. She didn't leave any trace behind her apart from a book of recipes from cooking school.

It was most apparent for me (I was the youngest) when I was pregnant myself and couldn't answer any family history questions. I do add tried and tested recipes to the recipe book though.

If you have a chance to do so might I suggest you make up a book for each kid with some info:
About their births, including any pregnancy complications (ie pre-eclampsia runs in my family).
Something of their / their family history
Some photos
Some recipes
Some tips for life / advice

Just something that they can take through life with them. I did it for my eldest before she left for uni. I left lots of blank pages for her to add to.

Maybe messages for important dates like 18th, 21st, marriage, births.

5 girls so close together has definitely been interesting, not how I thought it would go at all though. I envisaged sparkles and make up and fighting over dresses, meantime I spend time buying bulk items of random metal so I can walk slightly ahead of dd3 when she's metal detecting and drop things for her to find, or doing pop quizzes about dinosaurs for dd5, who is obsessed with everything fossil and dino related, or crying as I purchase yet another pet spider for dd2s ever growing collection of the bloody awful things 🤣 or trying to sort out piles of jogging bottoms and baggy jumpers into size order (harder than it sounds with 5 gorls similar in size and style) and getting moaned at for doing it wrong.

I think this was exs problem in part, he always wanted daughters and wanted to mold them into what he envisaged life with daughters would be like, whereas I saw what they enjoyed and supported them being who they want to be. This is why he believes I'm training them to be lesbians, for whatever reason he thinks I would try to do that. When dd 1 took up boxing and cut her hair short he went absolutely off his head about it, and that was the final nail in the coffin, which has been a blessing actually as my girls have grown knowing they are loved for who they are, not who I thought they would be.

@Wallywobbles I'm so sorry you miss your mum 💐

When I first got diagnosed I bought some jars and put their names on them, and then I bought little paper hearts and spent a long time writing little memories and things I love about them, first words, affirmations etc on them, there's probably about 500 for each of my dds in there at this point and I add to it regularly.

I don't think I'm quite ready for writing letters for times I won't be there yet, however it's definitely something I'll do should I become terminal. Its too much for me to think about at the moment.

It's a great idea to write family history and pregnancy information down for them, we talk a lot and they know, but it will be so much easier for them to have everything in writing if the time comes and I'm not around, so I'll get onto doing that this week. Thank you for that idea.

If I attempted to write down anything like a recipe for them I think they would keel over laughing, I do try but I'm not known for being able to cook very well, however I will be leaving behind a well used smoke alarm, and a drawer full of batteries should my cooking curse be passed down to them 🤣

Thank you all again for the support, I will absolutely update again when I can after my operation, i really do appreciate all the good luck you're throwing my way,I need all I can get.

@Ohwhataconundrumthisis you sound like a truly amazing woman and equally amazing mother, I have no doubt from the way you write about your life and girls that they are being nurtured and loved to their very bones.

Thank you 💐

I don't feel amazing at all, I've had my dark thoughts through this, and, believe me, if I could choose ex having this bloody cancer over me I would take that option in a second.

If I think too much it feels physically painful that ex will be around and choose not to be near my beautiful, kind, clever, funny daughters, when I would give absolutely anything to not have to think about leaving them yet. I can't get my head around choosing to have nothing to do with them, although these days, even if he came crawling back, it likely wouldn't be his choice anymore. They were empathetic enough to give him a couple of chances, but strong enough to create a boundary when they needed to for themselves.

I adore them, and they know it, and I'm so thankful that they all have that strong and protective love for each other as well. I'm so very lucky.

Absolutely.

My mum died of cancer last year and she'd arranged everything.

Like you OP she needed to feel in control. Even during covid she re wrote her guest list for the funeral dependent on numbers allowed to attend every time the guidelines changed.

I agree 100% with what you said above about how people don't want to talk about death or recognise it's possible to be premature. But actually if you are the ill one you need everyone's support to know that once you aren't here it'll be fine so you can enjoy the life you have.

Your posts have shown what an amazing person you are and your girls are extremely lucky to have a mum like you.

@itsgettingweird I'm so sorry you have to miss your lovely mum 💐

It is very frustrating when you are going through cancer and you want to talk about plans if you die and everyone gets uncomfortable and just says that you won't die, as if that's the problem solved entirely.

Then you're left with cancer and stress and no plans and nobody to talk to.

I feel a lot calmer since sorting everything, like your mum, I don't want to burden my kids and I want to take as much stress out of my death as possible for them.

It's not morbid, it's realistic, we will all shuffle off this mortal coil at some point, so there's no harm in planning things ahead of time.

I had an older child when I was a teenager and he, very sadly, died when he was young, and I'll never forget the organising, and worrying about what I had and hadn't done, while already going through the most horrendous grief possible. I don't want my kids to be in that position if I can possibly help it.

Hopefully none of my plans will be needed for a very long time yet, but it has definitely brought me some peace knowing what's in place and what my kids lives will look like.