I have cancer - my ex is being a twat about the kids.

[Ohwhataconundrumthisis]

Situation is that I have 5 kids by my ex husband.

He hasn't seen or bothered with cards, gifts, calls or anything for probably 4 or 5 years now. He is remarried and busy bringing up his new wife's kids now so his kids aren't relevant to his life anymore.

I've been living with cancer for around 4 years, I keep getting glimmers of hope that things are improving, but overall they are a bit worse just now.

Obviously this has prompted me to wonder where the fuck my kids will go if I die, which isn't exactly imminent, but nit outwith the realms of possibilities in the next few years.

My ex blocked me when I tried to have the discussion, however he has said that he will oppose anyone I nominate so my dc will go into the care system. I think it's because he doesn't like the only person who I know is willing and able to take my kids on.

He hasn't bothered at all when my dd was diagnosed with epilepsy, he hasn't bothered when they have struggled with me going through treatments and a pretty savage operation - I had to go back to doing school runs 2 days after major surgery. He just doesn't care.

Can he do this, block someone having my dc if he isn't willing to have them himself?

It's such a fucking mess, he doesn't care, isn't bothered at all, but just wants to make my life, and their lives worse for the sake of it.

Any insight into wtf I can do will be much appreciated.

As others have said, you urgently need legal advice and I don't think speaking to a social worker is a bad idea either.

I'd suggest exploring leaving PR and the money to your eldest child, who could then be supported by your friend. So essentially eldest DC becomes the 'legal' guardian, and almost behind the scenes your DF moves into the house to support them. I think this might be harder to disrupt legally than doing it the other way.

Would he even know if you died? You are not in contact with him so how would he find out?

What a shit your ex is. I really hope your health improves and you get some good advice and reassurance from the solicitor.

I'm not sure how ex would know.

I just assumed I couldn't die and then a bunch of kids would be left to it without any sort of official involvement, but I'm not really sure how it works. Hopefully I can get more of an insight next week.

This is vile on his part OP, so sorry you're having to think about this.

I think from what I've read if I was in your position I would spend my time arming DD & your friend with the knowledge & resources they need and tell them to fight with everything they have for your DD to gain parental responsibility but in the knowledge that your friend will support her & take care of the day to day business afterwards so as not to stall her studies etc.

Whereabouts are you? Where I am, Scotland, anyone can apply for a residency order, it doesn't take parental rights and responsibilities away automatically, but it gives the person applying the right for the children to reside with them. You can ask the judge/sheriff to remove PRR's and give PRR's to the person seeking them. If you do have a terminal diagnosis, could your friend move in early and pursue this while you are alive. It will be much easier to push through the courts while you are here to make your wishes known. It would be a good way to insure stability for your kids and give you peace of mind. You'll need a solicitor to take you through it.

Take legal advice by all means.

But it occurs to me that if you wished to provide evidence a court would hear, of your trust and confidence in X, and their commitment to your family, you could do that by marrying them or entering a civil partnership.

Yep.
I know someone whose Mum died when she was doing A Levels. So she was under 18. Her Dad lived pretty far away. She just lived on in the house until she went to Uni.

Check out things like death in service, and any old school pensions - there might be provisions for orphaned children.

You say the ex is hundreds of miles away and takes no interest in the kids. Honestly, who's going to tell him you've died, where is he going to get the money or time to go to court, and what reward does it offer him as you won't be around to piss off any more? I think he's probably just a bag of hot air.

How old are the children? Who do you think they would prefer to be with? Unless they're very young their wishes will play a big part in any decision made - assuming your friend is a suitable carer.

Can you make sure that sometime has copies of everything evil he's ever said and done so it can be used should it ever be needed to protect your kids.
Praying that you have a lot of years ahead of you. X

Sorry to hear that you've had worrying news about your health- it must feel pretty overwhelming.

You've already had lots of great advice. One thing you might want to consider is asking the children's school to set up a Team Around the Family (TAF). This would provide a professional structure for the school, social services, and possibly relevant medical professionals to work together to set up a plan, rather than you having to deal with joining up information from lots of different places.

I hope you get more hopeful news soon.

In England, it's no longer Residency - it's a Child Arrangements Order. I don't know much about the new law but worth looking into.

In England, removing PRR is nigh on impossible.

Thank you all again, it is really helping me to get my thoughts in order.

So many people just don't want to talk about this because its morbid or brush me aside saying I'll be OK, they just don't understand that I need this all sorted out, and telling me I'll be OK isn't helping at all.

I am in Scotland, I'll have to see what my friend getting PR would entail, and if ex would need to be consulted,there is no way he would allow it. I have so much evidence of friend being heavily involved on my kids life from birth so it's not like ex can claim friend is a new partner or something. Friend is involved with a school club at the younger ones school and has been since she started, and my oldest could also testify that he's been around forever too.

In some ways it will get easier if I get a terminal diagnosis as I'll get a chunk of money, friend can move in/we can get married if we need to so the situation here will be stable for the kids too. This can't happen just now due to the benefits situation.

A friend of mine tried to get her convicted paedophile exes PR taken from him and it was refused, so I don't suppose I would stand any chance for a him abusing me. There is also a chance that he may start working at some point and my friend could claim maintenence (unlikely).

Tomorrow I'll be contacting the school, SS and a solicitor to try and get everything into place, I'm due to start some more treatments in a few weeks, and it will likely be pretty gruelling so I want to get all this sorted while I feel OK.

There's absolutely every chance that ex is full of it, he did this when we split and said he would get the kids full time, that he would turn them against me etc, but never bothered at all. I know that he would go out of his way to make my last days/weeks worse just for the sake of it, so I want everything water tight so I can just enjoy time with my kids should I get bad news.

I won't be telling him anything else, and I'm not on social media or anything so he can't find out anything online. We have people who know us both, so I'll be very selective who I talk to about anything too.

I'll let you all know what is said at my appointments in the next couple of weeks, this may well help someone else in a similar position.

Thank you all again 💐

Hey @Ohwhataconundrumthisis just wondering how you are doing?

Definitely speak to a solicitor I wonder if there is a way of having a guardianship in place when the time comes. So sorry your having to go through this.

Thank you for asking. It's been a stressful few weeks so I totally forgot to update.

I have appointed both friend and dd guardians in my will.

The solicitor said that this will happen automatically if I die, so nothing needs to be done at the moment bar this and they will simply take over here and step right into my roll. They can apply for PR after I die as well and a court would definitely grant it for dd, and almost definitely for friend.

The will and guardianship will also mean that benefits can be transferred pretty much automatically, as this is the proof they will need.

Ex won't be informed in any official way at all, there's no legal obligation for anyone to do this, and he doesn't need to give permission for me to appoint guardians in my will. SS also wouldn't automatically be involved, only if someone raises a concern, as they would with anyone else (I contacted them about all this but they weren't especially bothered or interested) however the school are well aware of the situation and know friend and dd well so they wouldn't have any concerns as such.

If ex should find out and kick up a fuss the kids will remain in their home, being looked after by their guardians and ex will have to go to court and essentially prove that he will be the better option for the dc.

I have so much evidence that he isn't, his house isn't big enough, the kids are settled here, they would be asked for their opinions and wouldn't want to move to be with him either. I doubt he would want to spend the money on court anyway, I really think he just wanted to hurt me and make me stress.

His PR won't be removed, it would take a hell of a lot for that to happen, and the stuff he has done would never meet the threshold for that, but it's essentially meaningless in the situation I'm in as dd and friend will have primary care so he would have to take situations to court if he didn't agree with something, and they won't entertain him objecting to anything just to make life difficult.

I've secured everything as much as I can for the kids, and I know ex can't screw things up without a fight, so I can concentrate on myself and my health for the moment, and hopefully none of this will ever be needed.

If I should get a terminal diagnosis then friend and I won't have to be married for any of this to happen, but he will be moving in here as it will be financially feasible for that to happen, and then he will just remain living here, which Ive given him the right to do until the youngest is 21, he has planned what to do with his home so he isnt losing out financially. We have looked at how much benefits will pay out, and how to maximise that with careful placement of my insurance money (nothing illegal and all solicitor approved), I know that probably sounds scroungy but it's really not fair for friend to be taking a massive financial hit.

So basically I'm as organised as I can possibly be, and I feel a lot more relaxed and confident about it all after speaking to my solicitor and getting my will all watertight.

My next round of treatments starts in a little over a week, and I'll be having an operation fairly soon too, hopefully, so fingers crossed it all goes well and I've just stressed and created a massive dramatic scene over nothing because I'll be fighting fit by Xmas.

Thank you all again for taking the time to help me. It really was a relief to discuss it all, and helped me clear my thoughts and get my head sorted out.

So glad it’s all set up. The fact he hasn’t been involved in any of the planning for what will happen if needed will also say a lot about your ex in the event he did try and go to court.

We have looked at how much benefits will pay out, and how to maximise that with careful placement of my insurance money (nothing illegal and all solicitor approved), I know that probably sounds scroungy but it's really not fair for friend to be taking a massive financial hit.

It sounds absolutely sensible and entirely fair. Not remotely scroungy at all!

Best of luck. I really hope your planning is all unneeded in the long run !

I just picked up your thread. Bless you. I hope your treatment goes well and will hold back the cancer for you to be with your children as long as possible. Well done for finding all of this out when you’re going through such a difficult time. You are an incredibly strong woman and an inspiration to your kids.

I would contract your social services children’s team and ask for an assessment to plan in the event of you become incapacitated. Friend becoming a foster cater is a good idea.

Aw @Ohwhataconundrumthisis you've done amazingly well..Time to focus on you now. Wishing you every bit of luck with everything.

Good luck to you OP, I really hope the surgery goes well and that none of these carefully considered plans turn out to be needed I do applaud you for going through it all so clearly- many stick their heads in the sand (understandably, tbf). Your DC are lucky to have you x

I hope your treatment goes well @Ohwhataconundrumthisis

My friend went through family court and had parental responsibility awarded to her parents before she died, though the court wouldn't remove his as he was still actively involved with the kids just abusive to my friend. At least then decisions were shared.

A really good plan, you've done amazingly. I remember the fear that gripped me after dh died, I found a breast lump, and my will would have seen ds sent hundreds of miles away to a relative of dh's who hated me. Got it all sorted and it was a huge relief.

I hope your treatment goes as well as it can.