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Original poster

I have cancer - my ex is being a twat about the kids.

121 replies

Ohwhataconundrumthisis · 14/04/2023 13:15

Situation is that I have 5 kids by my ex husband.

He hasn't seen or bothered with cards, gifts, calls or anything for probably 4 or 5 years now. He is remarried and busy bringing up his new wife's kids now so his kids aren't relevant to his life anymore.

I've been living with cancer for around 4 years, I keep getting glimmers of hope that things are improving, but overall they are a bit worse just now.

Obviously this has prompted me to wonder where the fuck my kids will go if I die, which isn't exactly imminent, but nit outwith the realms of possibilities in the next few years.

My ex blocked me when I tried to have the discussion, however he has said that he will oppose anyone I nominate so my dc will go into the care system. I think it's because he doesn't like the only person who I know is willing and able to take my kids on.

He hasn't bothered at all when my dd was diagnosed with epilepsy, he hasn't bothered when they have struggled with me going through treatments and a pretty savage operation - I had to go back to doing school runs 2 days after major surgery. He just doesn't care.

Can he do this, block someone having my dc if he isn't willing to have them himself?

It's such a fucking mess, he doesn't care, isn't bothered at all, but just wants to make my life, and their lives worse for the sake of it.

Any insight into wtf I can do will be much appreciated.

OP posts:

ConfusedNoMore · 14/04/2023 15:00

What a disgusting person your ex is, I'm so sorry. Yes , legal route is good idea. Although it's changed now, my will states my wish that my son be cared for by someone other than my ex husband because he was not allowed to see him unsupervised at the time. I need to update it now. I'm so sorry you have this shit on top of your health to deal with.

MrsBigTed · 14/04/2023 15:04

Another option for discussion with someone more legally knowledgeable might be the possibility of your eldest taking legal responsibility for the younger kids, but your friend taking care of the day to day stuff so her studies aren't interrupted. SS do seem to value family bonds above others.

Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 15:05

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/04/2023 14:02

I have records/screenshots/voice recordings of all of our communication about this, and a massive file on all of the other twatty stuff he has done over the years as well.

That’s good.

Although it’s different the children of a late friend of mine live with their stepfather now despite rabid objections by their father and his family.

Their mum documented his lack of interest in them, nasty messages and threats that he’d cut off their step father and half sibling. The courts have full residency to the step-dad and dad was offered (but doesn’t take) EOW access.

They go very much by what’s best for the children.

This could be very relevant op. If the friend who you wish to have the children is single, it might be worth considering a marriage of convenience if it gets necessary. Obviously you'd need to protect finances ect, but it would give them a much stronger claim, especially when added to the evidence you have. You've said your eldest is 19, how old is the youngest?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems

RedHelenB · 14/04/2023 15:16

Looking at it from an outsiders pov. This male friend isn't trusted or commited enough to live with you yet you want him to care for your children if the worst happens.
What an awful situation to be in, if your children are in secondary would it be possible for your oldest to assume responsibility and still do their studies?

Original poster

Ohwhataconundrumthisis · 14/04/2023 15:17

My ex lives around 400 miles away, and also lives in a 2 bed house so maybe SS would assess him as unsuitable anyway.

My worry is that, as he is so far away, the kids would be considered settled there, and they wouldn't allow them to move back here, or that ex would move into my home and then get rid of the kids. Or that they would be in a different SS jurisdiction who would have different rules, or they would be placed in fister care down there.

I do wonder if its maybe financially motivated as well, my life insurance will leave a bit of money to each child, pay off my mortgage, and then leave enough for (modest) living expenses for them to reach adulthood, but if he gets the living expenses portion and then gives them up he will profit from my death and my kids will be left at the mercy of benefits/Foster care.

I'm going to have to relook at how my will is worded exactly, I know I've left X% for the kids upbringing, but I haven't clarified who to exactly. When I made it death was a far away prospect, its getting nearer to being real now though. However if I name my friend then he may not end up with the dc either. Its such a mess.

My youngest dc is 10, the oldest is near 19.

Ex has stated clearly that he will do whatever he can to make it all difficult for me, my friend and our dc, which is making me nervous as I can put all my plans into place and then he could come along and just destroy it all out of spite.

His wife backs him 100% as well, they say I'm a shit mum and have made up dds epilepsy, have encouraged dd to be gay and generally am a bit crap. Not that they would know, he hasn't seen them in years and she met them once and decided step parenting wasn't for her.

Just for my own piece of mind I need to plan and know what will happen to my dc if this gets worse and he's just being a spiteful cunt and making everything's difficult.

OP posts:

JingleBellez · 14/04/2023 15:20

He doesn't have an ongoing relationship with your children. According to you he hasn't seen them in nearly half a decade. That's a lot of time to a child and a judge would recognise that.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/04/2023 15:21

It sounds like this could be the key.

Getting specialist help on that will quite probably relax his push for it if you can have it set up in a way that gives him zero control over it.

There is likely a way to restrict the living expenses portion of it to a very limited amount, then give control of a pot to your friend and your DD to use for other expenses to prevent the wasting of them.

Certainly there should be a way to make sure he can’t get his hands on lump sums - so monthly amounts to whoever has care of the children for example.

JingleBellez · 14/04/2023 15:22

If he will raise your kids could he not claim UC? Child Benefit? Etc etc?

JingleBellez · 14/04/2023 15:23

Have you divorced him OP? Otherwise he's legally next of kin and entitled to everything if you don't have a will.

booboobear33 · 14/04/2023 15:25

What a piece of shit he is. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that on top of your diagnosis. I would be beside myself. I don't know the legalities but I do think you should speak to a solicitor and get a plan in place so that you can have a bit of peace of mind. How old are your dc?

Original poster

Ohwhataconundrumthisis · 14/04/2023 15:27

RedHelenB · 14/04/2023 15:16

We aren't a couple (he came out as gay 20 years ago) we have been friends since we were kids and I trust him 100%.

I've always been there for his kids and he has been there for mine, he's a good guy, and my best friend.

He would absolutely move in, and even marry me, if it came to it, but as I'm currently reliant on benefits its put us in a difficult situation as he would have to take on financial responsibility for all of us.

My oldest would have to give up her space at uni to look after the kids, she stays through the week and comes home at weekends and holidays, she will also be doing some placements from next year, quite a lot of which will be antisocial hours. I know she would do it, but I want her to have a full life and chase her dreams.

My friend is the NOK for me on all forms, emergency contact at school etc and has been for years.

OP posts:

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 14/04/2023 15:29

He is an absolute monster. What a total cunt.

LittleOwl153 · 14/04/2023 15:29

I would look at setting up a trust for whatever money you leave the (under age) kids. I'd include the house in the Trust too. I would actually ensure rhat the ex cannot touch any of this money and that it is only available to the kids once they are 18 if he has custody - as after all as their father he is financially responsible for their upbringing. I'm sure a solicitor can word it so that they are only able to access it for expenses for 18 if their father relinquishes custody to someone else.

He really is a nightmare isn't he. I'm glad you have it all recorded and home that that helps you get things sorted. (And indeed to survive long enough that none of it is needed and you see your kids to adulthood!)

Original poster

Ohwhataconundrumthisis · 14/04/2023 15:29

JingleBellez · 14/04/2023 15:23

Have you divorced him OP? Otherwise he's legally next of kin and entitled to everything if you don't have a will.

Yes, we divorced when my youngest was about 6 months old.

He has seen the kids 2-3 times a year in the last decade, until the last few years when he hasn't seen them at all. He just pops up every now and then and tells me how crap I am, that's the extent of his input.

OP posts:

LittleFreakJezebel · 14/04/2023 15:29

RedHelenB · 14/04/2023 15:16

I think that's an unfair thing to say.
A) we don't know the full details of the relationship, if it's a platonic friend or even an ex partner who is still a friend then why should he be committed enough to move in, he is just doing a very kind thing by saying he will be there if OP does whilst the kids are still dependents.
B) as OP has said getting married would affect her benefits, I assume the friend moving in would do the same so thats obviously not a good idea when they aren't in a relationship/have joint finances.

LittleFreakJezebel · 14/04/2023 15:30

X post with OP!

ParkrunPlodder · 14/04/2023 15:32

I think what you want to happen would benefit from some legal advice to maximise the chances of it happening the way you want. Your oldest child being 19 and the youngest being 10 works in your favour. It will be worth the cost of getting accurate bespoke legal advice on this. As your oldest is an adult, it might work to have them as official guardian in partnership with your friend, with your friend actually doing the majority of the actual care. All the best.

JingleBellez · 14/04/2023 15:37

He sounds like my Ex. I do everything wrong... then he wondered why I wouldn't marry him & left.

Original poster

Ohwhataconundrumthisis · 14/04/2023 15:37

My ex probably wouldn't get much in benefits if he did get the kids.

When he met his wife he immediately gave up work to look after her kids, she is a high earner and he didn't want to pay maintenence, he now works very part time so I get a tiny amount in maintenence.

I have made sure there's enough for them to live on should I die, so I'm not keen to put it all in a pot for their future as they need to eat and things now, especially with the COL crisis, I'm going to talk to a solicitor about making it so ex can't get his hands on it, but friend (or dd) can access it if they get the kids. I'm not sure it's possible to do that, or maybe even give a weekly allowance or something might be a better idea than a pot of money.

I just want them to be safe and cared for and thought I had it figured out, but then ex has different ideas.

OP posts:

Namechange224422 · 14/04/2023 15:42

I’m so sorry that you’re in this position, it must feel really scary.

I wonder whether one option would be a really honest conversation with your 19 year old. And then a joint visit to a solicitor to look at your options.

If she was willing then you could update the life insurance, will etc do that she has control over the living expenses portion of the life insurance. You could also leave the house in trust between all siblings with her as trustee.

You could also name her as guardian for the children in your will, with your friend specified as a helper so that she wouldn’t need to give up her studies.

Although 19 feels young, I think that at that age I would have preferred the responsibility rather than it resting with someone else. And hopefully she’ll actually be a lot older by the time it comes into force.

One thing to bear in mind is that unless someone contacts social services then they might not actually get very involved here. So if kids / family / school/ neighbours etc all know in advance what will happen and then it happens with no fuss it’s possible that there will either be no involvement or minimal involvement. So, if there’s any way to stop ex being notified in the event that would work in your favour. And a pp has suggested your friend moving in to support so that there is no change for the kids.

I think that you’re really brave to be thinking and looking at this, you’re obviously a fab mum. Hopefully it’ll not be needed x

Winterisalmostover · 14/04/2023 15:44

If I were in your situation, I would marry your gay friend if you are told you are terminal. He would then be their stepfather and if living with them in your home surely would be in a strong position to have them stay with him? I would talk this scenario through with your solicitor.

NBLarsen · 14/04/2023 15:45

Surely the best way around this is to appoint your eldest as the carer of the others. Your ex cannot block his own daughter, no official will remove the children from their own home and put them into care when their home is suitable and their sibling is willing.

In practice, your friend, who sounds wonderful, can move in at the invitation of the eldest to manage the practicalities and care of them all, leaving the eldest free to go to uni or whatever they want to do.

If your ex doesn't bother with the children how is he aware of all of this? If I was you I'd stop any conversation with him, let him think you are on the road to recovery and therefore there's nothing for him to have an interest in.

Wishing you all the best with health and family 💜

Mythologies · 14/04/2023 15:45

Can I just say how sorry I am about your fuckwit shit ex and that you are dealing with cancer.
heartbreaking
I am so glad you have your precious friend and your daughter.
I am sending hopeful thoughts that a solicitor can help.
The only thing I would say is please get a recommendation for a solicitor who has extensive experience of abuse.
if you want to talk dm me - I have both cancer and an abusive ex - but fortunately the children are grown.

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 14/04/2023 15:52

I have no legal advice but to say I'm really sorry you are poorly.

Agree with others, you absolutely need to get legal advice. Your DC's dad is a pointless option, so explore with your best friend what it might mean if you make him the guardian. Make sure he knows all the implications.

Sending hugs x

2reefsin30knots · 14/04/2023 15:54

Would their father not be charged with child abandonment if he would not take them himself?

I was involved with a case some years ago where a mum had to go into hospital for a lengthy period and the dad said he could not have the kids and this is what happened.

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