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Original poster

Lost friends over pregnancy news?

128 replies

NameName2023 · 12/04/2023 06:01

Has anyone else lost friends after telling them they were pregnant?

I’ve NC for this as very outing. One of my closest friends had a MMC earlier this year after trying for several months to get pregnant. Unfortunately, she had to go through a medical procedure as the medication route didn’t complete. During this time I found out I was pregnant with our second. I couldn’t visit but sent her gifts and flowers as I knew she was suffering and wanted to put a smile on her face.

As this is my second, I’ve popped a lot sooner and it’s very difficult to hide the bump. We were seeing various different friend groups this weekend and all it would’ve taken would be a comment or a photo for her to see and I wanted to her to hear the news from me.

following advice on MN I spent ages composing a message, which I checked with other friends and sent it on Friday morning. There was never going to be a good time to break this news but I thought at least if she got it on Friday it would’ve given her a long weekend of distractions.

I said in my message that if she needed space I totally understood. Last night I got a tirade of messages as to why I thought Friday was a good time, my message was badly worded and I don’t need your pity. She’s now deleted me and my DH from her Instagram and left our group chat.

She’s one of my oldest friends (was bridesmaid at my wedding) and I’m just a bit shocked. It’s one thing to give space but it feels like she’s said the friendship is over. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing.

OP posts:

Whitchiteegrub · 12/04/2023 06:20

I don’t see how you could have handled it any better. She is obviously having a hard time but it doesn’t mean anyone else should have it taken out on them. I have been in your friends position, I had a MMC and several of my friends fell pregnant around that time, it was hard to deal with but I would never have dreamed of treating anyone like your friend has you.

Isthisexpected · 12/04/2023 06:25

You've done nothing wrong and she may well come out the other side of her pain back into your life one day.

Isthisexpected · 12/04/2023 06:26

PS. Do a search. This happens to a lot of people on Mumsnet though not me personally.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Ladybug14 · 12/04/2023 06:29

You did nothing wrong

She's hit out because she's unhappy

She'll come round eventually, just give her time (although when she does come round you may feel differently about her as a friend)

Nimbostratus100 · 12/04/2023 06:31

I would guess she is angry at your pity, and your focus on her loss, and your intrusion into her grief by overthinking it and making assumptions and turning the attention onto her

Hopefully she will realise that is was just a well intended error of judgement. I suggest you apologise (BREIFLY! - dont make a song and dance of it!) if you get a chance

Mumdiva99 · 12/04/2023 06:31

I lost a friend when pg with dd2. One of my new mum friends had an ectopic the same time I found out I was pg with number 2. I probably didn't tell her as sympathetically as you did....much to my shame now. I didn't want her to just see it on FB....but I think I could have been better. Unfortunately she was one of my first mum friends and we did lots of things together so I missed her. But I did understand her position.

Give your friend space. There is nothing else you can do. You shouldn't have to feel bad about your news....congratulations. Hopefully she will come around.

NotCopingWell1 · 12/04/2023 06:33

This is why I no longer tell any of my friends about my experiences, because I can't bear being treated differently as a result of them.

Give her time. You've got something she may never have.

Coffeellama · 12/04/2023 06:35

What did the message say? I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all. But maybe you put too much into it? I was devastated after my first MMC but a gushing message from a pregnant friend saying it’s fine if I needed time to process etc would have seriously pissed me off too because id have been still been happy for my friend, I wasn’t made of glass, and that pity would have been misplaced and more upsetting. Again you haven’t done anything wrong, it’s just a difficult situation to get right and predict how someone will react.

BartsLongLostBro · 12/04/2023 06:36

I don't see what you have done wrong. Let her be.

PurBal · 12/04/2023 06:45

My first thought is that Good Friday probably wasn’t the best day to share news but I’m a Christian so I accept my judgement may be clouded on that issue. Without knowing what you said I agree she’s lashing out because she’s upset and it’s not specifically directed at you.

WonderingWanda · 12/04/2023 06:45

I don't think you did anything wrong. You can't win in this situation sadly. I had a much and one of my bf didn't know how to tell me she was pg. I guessed because we went out for group night out and she was driving. I felt a bit upset she hadn't told me but understood she was worried about upsetting me. I hope your friend comes round eventually.

thisisallquitecomplicated · 12/04/2023 06:52

You tried your best to be sensitive, and took all precautions you could. As someone who has been in your friend's position a few times, I think she is probably filled with sadness, rage, and envy now, but has nowhere to direct it at. I remember feeling mentally and physically completely trapped, with no proper outlet. For better or worse, your well-meaning but unexpected message has given her something to channel those emotions towards.

It is unfair to you, but life is currently unfair to her. Hopefully, she will come round eventually. If so, I would ignore the fact this fall-out has happened in the first place.

Please don't stress about it. Based on what you have written so far, you have done nothing wrong. Congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy.

Firecat84 · 12/04/2023 06:55

I'd say this is a common experience and even really nice people I've known have responded appallingly to others' pregnancy news in this situation. Give her time and she'll probably get pregnant soon and be totally over it. My friendship group all came back together in the end.

Teapleasemilknosugar · 12/04/2023 06:57

She's grieving a MMC and the life she thought she'd be having. How long ago was her MMC? Is her 'would have been' due date coming up soon? The run up to that was very emotional and triggering for me after a number of MC.

Give her space to process.

lucylantern · 12/04/2023 07:03

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, although perhaps commenting that she “needed space” was going a bit far. I can see why she may have taken that the wrong way and seen it as pity. But it sounds like she is just in a bad place generally and therefore lashing out.

Twiglets1 · 12/04/2023 07:04

I had to cope with my sister getting pregnant with her third baby after I had suffered 2 miscarriages but I tried very hard to keep my slightly bitter feelings to myself. Think your friend should have done the same.
Give her time & space and maybe she will see it in time and reach out to you again. Obviously she is in a highly emotional state so it’s not her fault exactly, but neither is it your fault.

YukoandHiro · 12/04/2023 07:05

Your error was to mention her situation at all. It sounds like pity and comparison - almost gloating.
You should just have said "I have some news - I'm expecting" and left it at that.

Twiglets1 · 12/04/2023 07:09

YukoandHiro · 12/04/2023 07:05

Your error was to mention her situation at all. It sounds like pity and comparison - almost gloating.
You should just have said "I have some news - I'm expecting" and left it at that.

Ugh - that would have been a worse way of putting it, in my opinion. I think the OP was right to acknowledge the situation was difficult. I would have appreciated that ( with my sister) but felt I had to pretend to feel delighted for her when in fact her pregnancy bought me a lot of sad feelings.

CurlewKate · 12/04/2023 07:10

It sounds as if you caught her in a bad day. If she's a good friend and you want to maintain the friendship maybe maintain light contact to leave the door open for when she comes out of the dark place she's in.
There was one thing in your post that mad me wonder a bit. You said you wanted to "put a smile on her face" which struck me as an odd way of talking about sending flowers to a grieving friend, and I wonder whether your message may have been a little "Cheer up, love."ish. Might be worth checking. Or I could have the wrong end of the stick....

Roselilly36 · 12/04/2023 07:15

Many congrats on your pregnancy OP.

You haven’t done anything wrong, sounds like you have been sensitive to your friend’s situation, she’s hurting of course.

I don’t think it’s what you said, or how you told her.

Sometimes situations in life, divide friendships. If I was in your shoes, I would do as she asked and leave her be, perhaps she will get in touch later, but she may not, whatever happens the friendship will have changed.

Good luck with your pregnancy

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 12/04/2023 07:18

You couldn’t have done better, really. You text so she could process it in her own space. Her reaction is not your responsibility.

It’s shit for her that she’s having a hard time, but you do not have to feel guilty for anything.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 12/04/2023 07:19

YukoandHiro · 12/04/2023 07:05

Your error was to mention her situation at all. It sounds like pity and comparison - almost gloating.
You should just have said "I have some news - I'm expecting" and left it at that.

I disagree.

NotMyDayJob · 12/04/2023 07:21

It's possible you don't really get what she's going through. It was thoughtful of you to send her flowers and gifts, it will 100% have not put a smile on her face and it's a little odd you thought that, but I appreciate it might just be the wording.

Give her space and time, it is a bit of a damned whatever you do situation. It's also been less than a week.

Xrayvision · 12/04/2023 07:22

I haven’t read your first thread so presume you addressed this there, but why didn’t you just talk to her? I can’t imagine anything worse than being messaged out of the blue by a good friend. She’s entitled to be upset, friends go through difficult situations like this together.

Michellebops · 12/04/2023 07:22

I've been on both sides. My friend gave birth at 23 weeks and baby died sadly. I found out I was pregnant about a week later.
She was one of the first I told and I left her to respond to hen she was ready.
We are still great friends.

Flip side I had a mmc at 12/13 weeks and a friend at the time told me to pull myself together and it was only cells (my scan pic suggested different) and could understand why I was so upset. Anyway she announced her second pregnancy in a group chat on Mother's Day which was around my due date. She was over 6 months so had actuality been pregnant when I had my mmc and chose to say nothing.

She never gave me time to take in the news and ditched our friends who were trying to support me too, she saw them as taking sides because they didn't gush over her excitement (no tact) and she blocked me and told lies to others.

I don't think you could have done anything else other than what you did, she needs to come to terms with her own loss before she can accept others and that people will still be pregnant have babies and you're not doing it out of spite.

She may come back when she's ready but may be a lost friendship

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