Lost friends over pregnancy news?

[NameName2023]

Has anyone else lost friends after telling them they were pregnant?

I’ve NC for this as very outing. One of my closest friends had a MMC earlier this year after trying for several months to get pregnant. Unfortunately, she had to go through a medical procedure as the medication route didn’t complete. During this time I found out I was pregnant with our second. I couldn’t visit but sent her gifts and flowers as I knew she was suffering and wanted to put a smile on her face.

As this is my second, I’ve popped a lot sooner and it’s very difficult to hide the bump. We were seeing various different friend groups this weekend and all it would’ve taken would be a comment or a photo for her to see and I wanted to her to hear the news from me.

following advice on MN I spent ages composing a message, which I checked with other friends and sent it on Friday morning. There was never going to be a good time to break this news but I thought at least if she got it on Friday it would’ve given her a long weekend of distractions.

I said in my message that if she needed space I totally understood. Last night I got a tirade of messages as to why I thought Friday was a good time, my message was badly worded and I don’t need your pity. She’s now deleted me and my DH from her Instagram and left our group chat.

She’s one of my oldest friends (was bridesmaid at my wedding) and I’m just a bit shocked. It’s one thing to give space but it feels like she’s said the friendship is over. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing.

No no no, you do not share pregnancy news verbally with people who have lost babies.

It's just one of those crappy distances thst forms between friendships, yes she was oversensitive but she is legitimately sad. My best friend and I were pregnant together and now she has a 3m old and I just had my due date pass with no baby. We text every few days but it's so bland and cordial because we have lost the ability to communicate very effectively. She's the happiest she ever been and I'm clinically depressed and struggling to get out of bed most days. Our lives are just so far apart now which makes me even sadder.

Important conversations should
never be done via text. Ever. At the very very least, a video call where you can see faces. Much better in person

This is a very personal thing. I have been on the receiving end after multiple pregnancy losses and much preferred a text. It can be very tough news to hear and I would rather experience those emotions in private. Being dragged into a face to face conv or video call would make me feel very cornered and like the other person was trying to watch for my reaction.

I understand she's feeling alot of pain, however a true friend would still be happy for you.

Her pain is not your pain. I'd find it hard to see past how she's behaved towards you.

I agree totally.

Have you lost pregnancies? There isn’t a woman I know who has, who would want to be told in person. In person you have to mask your feelings, you have to feign happiness and say all the right things. In private, via an unobtrusive text, you can process it at your own speed and in your own way.

The OP couldn’t win here. She handled it the best way possible.

I agree. I’ve had several pregnancy losses and was told that I wouldn’t be able to get and stay pregnant without assistance (damaged tubes, unexplained recurrent miscarriages, clotting/autoimmune disorder) and I still never reacted negatively to any of my friends getting pregnant. In fact, myself and three close friends all got pregnant within a month of each other, and I was still happy for them all, even though I miscarried my baby (this was my 8th miscarriage).

I now have two children so it all worked out okay in the end.

People are not themselves when grieving. You've done what you thought was right, maybe you over egged it, but your heart was in the right place.

Make sure you reach out to her, leave the door wide open; she may feel embarrassed about how she reacted or sad now and might even be looking for a way back in.

I’d have also hated all the apologies. Before I announced my pregnancy I sent a quick message to a friend who was going through fertility issues, just a basic “hi, it’s early days so not public knowledge yet but I wanted you to hear from me that I’m pregnant. Baby xxxx is due around xxxx. So let’s hold the wine and do coffees instead! Hope you and yours are doing well and I’m looking forward to out catch up”

I agree a text is better than face-to-face to give processing time, but the timing wasnt good. She probably had a fun bank holiday weekend planned and this message was intended to cause upset at the start of that so she would be over it by the next working day.

Ugh. I had a mmc in November. My "best" friend kept talking and talking about her pregnancy even though she knew we're ttc. Then my mmc came and I blocked her. I didn't even tell her just to avoid the pity. Good for your friend. She's prioritising her mental health and you writing to her just before Easter was selfish.

You did your best to handle an impossible situation. Personally I would have preferred a basic announcement not acknowledging my own struggles, but that's just me and you know your friend better. Her reaction may have been the same either way.
Give her time and hopefully she will come round, there is nothing else you can do now.

Such a difficult situation, there really isn't a right answer.

Even looking through this thread - text, don't text, call instead / acknowledge struggle, breeze past it etc etc

I've had two straightforward pregnancies and have lost many friends along the way. They are slowly coming back now they are having their own children and need emotional support with having newborns and I am there for them. I obviously have no idea how insanely heartbreaking it must be to not conceive but I am also finding it a bit hard not to be resentful that I felt abandoned in early motherhood too.

Sounds like it was pretty recent if early this year. I had one at 10 weeks last month and I think I would have had to quietly ghost someone if they did this. Just for a little while.

Yep or if suffering from infertility.

@Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes yes, actually I have lost 4 pregnancies, and had my own infertility journey. And my mental health suffered enormously because of it, for many years. Thank you for asking.

I was able to cry my tears with my close friends when they shared their news, and then go away to digest it on my own.

A text message was/is a toneless, abrupt invasion of privacy. There is no setting of the scene, testing the waters or context. I did not appreciate it and would never do that to someone else. Ever.

But this is applicable to close friends only. As the OP stated this friendship was.

Also right at the beginning of a bank holiday where maybe she was thinking she could forget by having a few drinks or a bit of fun etc wasn't the best idea.

And this. With time, things will hopefully balance themselves out.

Life is so unfair at times.

@CurlewKate - I think those are very good points. Your message was well intentioned, but misfired. You were right to tell her about your pregnancy, but the link to her loss hit her when she's a bit raw. Good advice from pp, which I will echo - give her time, keep the metaphorical door open.

Agree with this^
simple polite message was enough.
I think the general consensus on MN is to send a simple message rather than F2F, to tell a bit in advance and to be ready for less contacts from the other party. You clearly overdid things in your message and it hit the nerve.

@NameName2023

You did nothing wrong OP.

Honestly so sick of being told how to frame pregnancy news. I've had friends tell me their news as bluntly as anything, knowing full well l am having difficulty.

A lot of women go through absolute hell to get to the point that they can be pregnant why can't they be happy about it.

See, many would think no allusion at all to the friend’s circumstance would be callous and feel more distant and ‘gloating’.

A breezy, “hi! I’m pregnant, just wanted to let you know!” Would be more hurtful to me when it comes from someone who knows what you’ve gone/are going through.

Basically, whatever the OP did was going to be wrong for this friend, because she’s reacted quite nastily. Many people would struggle, but not many would have been nasty about it.

Even if the message wasn’t perfectly worded it’s obvious that you’ve tried to be as considerate as possible and that you’ve tried your best to do the right thing. Your friend could be easily forgiven for one shitty message in return but a whole tirade of abusive messages to someone who’s just tied to sensitively announce a pregnancy is out of order. She had time to think it through if she sent multiple messages and then went on delete you off social media and that reflects badly on her, not you.

I wouldn’t worry about giving her time or space or holding the door open because you have no need of a ‘friend’ that thinks it’s ok to be nasty about your pregnancy.

On the face of it, neither of you is wrong. You tried to be sensitive, she felt you came across as pitying, you can't control other people's perceptions. But I wonder if you have been as sensitive as you think you have been @NameName2023 . I agree with the poster who said that wanting to "put a smile on her face" is pretty jarring. I don't think you understand the depth of despair that she might be feeling, which is great, if you've never been through it and I hope you never do, it's understandable. It's really unfortunate because you've tried really hard, but your friend may not be in the head space at all to deal with this. I wouldn't take the blocking / deleting as anything other than her total despair and inability to deal with her own grief whilst seeing you pregnant.