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Original poster

Lost friends over pregnancy news?

128 replies

NameName2023 · 12/04/2023 06:01

Has anyone else lost friends after telling them they were pregnant?

I’ve NC for this as very outing. One of my closest friends had a MMC earlier this year after trying for several months to get pregnant. Unfortunately, she had to go through a medical procedure as the medication route didn’t complete. During this time I found out I was pregnant with our second. I couldn’t visit but sent her gifts and flowers as I knew she was suffering and wanted to put a smile on her face.

As this is my second, I’ve popped a lot sooner and it’s very difficult to hide the bump. We were seeing various different friend groups this weekend and all it would’ve taken would be a comment or a photo for her to see and I wanted to her to hear the news from me.

following advice on MN I spent ages composing a message, which I checked with other friends and sent it on Friday morning. There was never going to be a good time to break this news but I thought at least if she got it on Friday it would’ve given her a long weekend of distractions.

I said in my message that if she needed space I totally understood. Last night I got a tirade of messages as to why I thought Friday was a good time, my message was badly worded and I don’t need your pity. She’s now deleted me and my DH from her Instagram and left our group chat.

She’s one of my oldest friends (was bridesmaid at my wedding) and I’m just a bit shocked. It’s one thing to give space but it feels like she’s said the friendship is over. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing.

OP posts:
Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 12/04/2023 07:23

Nimbostratus100 · 12/04/2023 06:31

I would guess she is angry at your pity, and your focus on her loss, and your intrusion into her grief by overthinking it and making assumptions and turning the attention onto her

Hopefully she will realise that is was just a well intended error of judgement. I suggest you apologise (BREIFLY! - dont make a song and dance of it!) if you get a chance

I disagree. The OP has nothing to apologise for. If she hadn’t alluded sensitively to her friend’s loss at all, that would have been deemed as shitty. What you’re saying is pity, the OP was clearly intending as gentle sensitivity to the friend’s situation.

This is a no win situation for the OP. She has to let her friend be and hope she comes around, maybe when her own circumstances change. But she has nothing to apologise for.

Whatsrheday · 12/04/2023 07:28

I was on the other side of this many years ago
Every thing my pregnant friends (there were several) went through reminded me of what I had lost
They thought I was jealous but it brought on flashbacks and memories that were too difficult
In hindsight I had undiagnosed untreated PTSD

Just pointing out the other side

Itsgoimgtobealongnight · 12/04/2023 07:32

My dsil insisted I be told on Christmas Eve my other dsil had terminal cancer. DH had already said to wait until after Christmas (we were away with my family) The reason being I’d just had the big C myself. But DSIL1 just rang me up and told me anyway.

it ruined my Christmas, there was nothing gained by my knowing, I spent all Christmas depressed and probably ruined it for my own family.

sorry OP I don’t think having the nice Easter weekend break to digest your news was very kind and I’m surprised all those you checked with thought it ok for you to do it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
BeethovenNinth · 12/04/2023 07:33

I have been your friend. I think you have behaved as well as you possibly could. It just sucks. Don’t give up on the friendship

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/04/2023 07:36

The trouble is that how she feels on receiving the message is everything to do with where she is emotionally and her personality and nothing to do with your message.
Pp said they would hate a sympathetic message, other people would feel dismissed and it is inconsiderate to not get a sympathetic message.

Another pp suggested a message was the wrong voice and in person face to face would be better, butI remember a thread on here about a similar situation where the friends who's lost the baby was devastated to be told face to face because she has no time to process the news and compose herself before trying to look pleased and delighted for pregnant friend (which she was but her first emotion was a wave of grief)....

so all in all, I think you've really tried to get this right and couldn't have predicted this reaction or what other approach you could have used instead.

as you say if you hadn't let her know yourself she'd have found out indirectly which would surely have been worse.

i think send her a card (since you're blocked) and say you're sorry she feels you handled it badly. You were trying to be considerate and avoid her finding out from photos which were inevitable given you're showing and were going to be out at the weekend. Say that you hope to be able to continue being friends and this upset can be resolved.

Thighlengthboots · 12/04/2023 07:38

From the responses, I feel like whatever you did would be wrong. Showing sensitivity and trying to cushion the news= "I'm not made of glass"- you're being patronising and if you had just told her the news with no softening words you would have then got: "wow- you're being really insensitive, what about my feelings?".

It sounds like you took a lot of time to try to phrase it in a kind way which shows you were trying to be empathic but sometimes no matter how things are done, the pain and hurt will just be so immense that it will cause a hurtful reaction which is about her, not you.

Yes, life IS unfair in many ways but this applies to everyone. I lost my mother young and found it hard when friends moaned about theirs but I didnt lash out at them. Similarly, a friend went on and on about her wedding when I was going through a very painful relationship break up which I personally found very challenging but I didnt take it out on her, I took time out when I needed it. We are all responsible for our own feelings and whilst I completely respect the fact she needs space from you to protect herself, her reaction was unkind and hurtful.

I'd leave it now. Give her space and allow her to come back when she's feeling ready. I think its such a shame to lose good friends over things like this because she might need a friend later on. You did nothing wrong and it sounds like you approached this with thoughtfulness and care.

AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman · 12/04/2023 07:38

I wonder, if you are one of her oldest friends, if she felt ‘safe’ to let out her grief and anger in this way. It doesn’t sound as if she said she never wants contact again, she just told you how upset she was about everything. Of course that’s not nice for you to be on the receiving end, and if my guess is right she’s probably well aware of that and likely to feel ashamed or embarrassed on top of the anger or grief once she cools down.

It sounds like you tried hard to be sensitive and I’m sorry it didn’t work well. If I were you and I cared about the friendship I might look at any particular objection she had to your message and see if there’s something you could genuinely admit was a bit clumsy or just say in general ‘I’m sorry I misjudged that. It wasn’t intentional. I really care about you’ and then wait until a natural time to be in touch again eg to wish happy birthday or to ask if she’s coming out with mutual friends. Give her an easy option to join in again.

TheBirdintheCave · 12/04/2023 07:40

You did the right thing by messaging her and allowing her to privately process the news. I've had two MMCs in a row and don't get pregnant easily so know the burning jealousy she'll be feeling right now. She may come round or she may not. Just give her time I think :)

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/04/2023 07:40

I think her reaction to block you is harsh for a long standing friend. Let's hope she comes round, as although she must be badly hurting she must surely know you were trying to be a good friend even if she feels you got it wrong.

Changingplace · 12/04/2023 07:41

I’m in your friends shoes and I have no idea why everyone on here always suggests sending a message, I would much rather have heard directly on the phone or in person myself.

And depending on how you worded it, but it’s not your place to suggest how she might feel or whether she needs time to process it, she might well have been doing ok but you’re assuming she’s in a place when you have no idea.

This is why a message is a bad idea as you don’t know when she’ll read it completely out of the blue, at least in person or a phone call you could judge the situation.

shakeitoffsis · 12/04/2023 07:41

My cousin was like this to me. She was a complete bitch for 4 years and had nothing to do with my 2 kids during or after my pregnancy. Now she's pregnant I find it really difficult to be bothered as she was so vile to me.

TheBirdintheCave · 12/04/2023 07:42

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/04/2023 07:40

I think her reaction to block you is harsh for a long standing friend. Let's hope she comes round, as although she must be badly hurting she must surely know you were trying to be a good friend even if she feels you got it wrong.

I blocked my own brother when he told me he and his wife were expecting. My first miscarriage had just started at the time. Grief is strange.

WorriedMama1234 · 12/04/2023 07:42

I don't think you've done anything wrong but I would maybe send another message just to say:

'I really am so so sorry that I've upset you. I was trying to be sensitive towards you but obviously I got it wrong.'

She sounds as though she's really struggling, so you will have to be the rational one whilst she is unable to be.

RudsyFarmer · 12/04/2023 07:44

Some situations you can’t do right for doing wrong. This is one of them. Enjoy your pregnancy and let her be.

Phoebo · 12/04/2023 07:44

Nimbostratus100 · 12/04/2023 06:31

I would guess she is angry at your pity, and your focus on her loss, and your intrusion into her grief by overthinking it and making assumptions and turning the attention onto her

Hopefully she will realise that is was just a well intended error of judgement. I suggest you apologise (BREIFLY! - dont make a song and dance of it!) if you get a chance

Maybe it's this. That's a pity for you both. Hopefully she will make contact again soon.

Changingplace · 12/04/2023 07:45

TheBirdintheCave · 12/04/2023 07:40

You did the right thing by messaging her and allowing her to privately process the news. I've had two MMCs in a row and don't get pregnant easily so know the burning jealousy she'll be feeling right now. She may come round or she may not. Just give her time I think :)

I think describing is as jealousy minimises it tbh, it’s not as simple as that.

It can be that someone is/could be incredibly happy for their friend at the same time as it bringing all their difficult memories of loss back, knowing how much you wanted something made it for me a much more complex emotion that jealousy.

YellowGreenBlue · 12/04/2023 07:46

Don't take it personally OP. I think she would have been upset whatever you'd done.

TheBirdintheCave · 12/04/2023 07:47

Changingplace · 12/04/2023 07:41

I’m in your friends shoes and I have no idea why everyone on here always suggests sending a message, I would much rather have heard directly on the phone or in person myself.

And depending on how you worded it, but it’s not your place to suggest how she might feel or whether she needs time to process it, she might well have been doing ok but you’re assuming she’s in a place when you have no idea.

This is why a message is a bad idea as you don’t know when she’ll read it completely out of the blue, at least in person or a phone call you could judge the situation.

A phonecall or in person forces the other person to pretend to be happy. If they want to scream or cry they can't as the news-giver is right there. I think that's why most people suggest a message. The recipient doesn't need to take any action until they're ready and can privately process their emotions first.

TheBirdintheCave · 12/04/2023 07:49

@Changingplace Maybe so. It was the best word I could come up with at the time 😂

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 07:51

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You did the best most thoughtful thing you could, you’re not in any way responsible for her reaction and it’s understandable to be shocked and hurt by it.

I’m not made of glass but when I was in her shoes though it was my second mc and also mmc and needed surgery I got a perky message from a friend I’d known since I was 3 saying she was pregnant and what terrible timing in was for her ha ha 😖 You did much better than that.

FiledAwayInABox · 12/04/2023 07:57

Congrats on your pregnancy.

You didn't do anything wrong. She's behaved badly. I understand her feeling devastated but to take it out on you and to try and make you feel sad is nasty behaviour. Unless she comes back with a sincere apology you are well rid of her.

Twiglets1 · 12/04/2023 08:01

I agree, it’s so much more complex than jealousy. More than anything it’s sadness, but also anger (at life being unfair) and hurt.
You know logically that someone else being pregnant is something to celebrate, but emotionally you feel devastated at the reminder of what you have lost.

Twiglets1 · 12/04/2023 08:02

Twiglets1 · 12/04/2023 08:01

I agree, it’s so much more complex than jealousy. More than anything it’s sadness, but also anger (at life being unfair) and hurt.
You know logically that someone else being pregnant is something to celebrate, but emotionally you feel devastated at the reminder of what you have lost.

Meant for @Changingplace

DangerNoodles · 12/04/2023 08:03

I wonder if she is pissed because it was the start of the long weekend and the grief was bought back just as she was about to do something nice. I think it sounds like you have really made an effort with the wording but the timing was a bit rushed to fit in with your plans. You should have asked your friends to keep photos off Facebook until you had spoken to your friend.

Slimjimtobe · 12/04/2023 08:04

Leave her be. She blocked you over a text that you sent that had no ill intent. That’s spiteful.

but time might heal things - you don’t need this drama to be honest