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Original poster

Lost friends over pregnancy news?

128 replies

NameName2023 · 12/04/2023 06:01

Has anyone else lost friends after telling them they were pregnant?

I’ve NC for this as very outing. One of my closest friends had a MMC earlier this year after trying for several months to get pregnant. Unfortunately, she had to go through a medical procedure as the medication route didn’t complete. During this time I found out I was pregnant with our second. I couldn’t visit but sent her gifts and flowers as I knew she was suffering and wanted to put a smile on her face.

As this is my second, I’ve popped a lot sooner and it’s very difficult to hide the bump. We were seeing various different friend groups this weekend and all it would’ve taken would be a comment or a photo for her to see and I wanted to her to hear the news from me.

following advice on MN I spent ages composing a message, which I checked with other friends and sent it on Friday morning. There was never going to be a good time to break this news but I thought at least if she got it on Friday it would’ve given her a long weekend of distractions.

I said in my message that if she needed space I totally understood. Last night I got a tirade of messages as to why I thought Friday was a good time, my message was badly worded and I don’t need your pity. She’s now deleted me and my DH from her Instagram and left our group chat.

She’s one of my oldest friends (was bridesmaid at my wedding) and I’m just a bit shocked. It’s one thing to give space but it feels like she’s said the friendship is over. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing.

OP posts:
darjeelingrose · 12/04/2023 10:29

MelchiorsMistress · 12/04/2023 10:17

Even if the message wasn’t perfectly worded it’s obvious that you’ve tried to be as considerate as possible and that you’ve tried your best to do the right thing. Your friend could be easily forgiven for one shitty message in return but a whole tirade of abusive messages to someone who’s just tied to sensitively announce a pregnancy is out of order. She had time to think it through if she sent multiple messages and then went on delete you off social media and that reflects badly on her, not you.

I wouldn’t worry about giving her time or space or holding the door open because you have no need of a ‘friend’ that thinks it’s ok to be nasty about your pregnancy.

How would "tried to be considerate" come across in a text as opposed to "pity"? I totally believe the OP when she says she really gave it a lot of thought, but it doesn't mean that she succeeded in getting that across.

WeWereInParis · 12/04/2023 10:33

MelchiorsMistress · 12/04/2023 10:17

Even if the message wasn’t perfectly worded it’s obvious that you’ve tried to be as considerate as possible and that you’ve tried your best to do the right thing. Your friend could be easily forgiven for one shitty message in return but a whole tirade of abusive messages to someone who’s just tied to sensitively announce a pregnancy is out of order. She had time to think it through if she sent multiple messages and then went on delete you off social media and that reflects badly on her, not you.

I wouldn’t worry about giving her time or space or holding the door open because you have no need of a ‘friend’ that thinks it’s ok to be nasty about your pregnancy.

I think I agree with this. I've had a miscarriage and as long as I could tell that a friend had tried to announce their pregnancy sensitively (even if the wording had seemed a little off to me) I wouldn't have reacted like this. Fine to need space, and not want to talk about the pregnancy etc, but there's no need for a "tirade" of messages.

StaunchMomma · 12/04/2023 11:00

The removal of your DH on SM as well as you does make it seem like she's just buried in her pain at the moment and wants to make sure she sees no photos of you pregnant/with a new baby.

You've tried to be sensitive, OP. I don't think her anger is about you at all, just that she feels life isn't fair at the moment.

Maybe send her some flowers and a letter that makes it clear that other friends were going to notice you're pregnant and you wanted to make sure she heard the news from you, not them (if you haven't already).

All you can do now is apologise, tell her you love her and are there for her and leave her be.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
drpet49 · 12/04/2023 11:10

Custardslices · 12/04/2023 09:10

I understand she's feeling alot of pain, however a true friend would still be happy for you.

Her pain is not your pain. I'd find it hard to see past how she's behaved towards you.

Me too. It would change the dynamic of the friendship for me.

MelchiorsMistress · 12/04/2023 11:41

How would "tried to be considerate" come across in a text as opposed to "pity"? I totally believe the OP when she says she really gave it a lot of thought, but it doesn't mean that she succeeded in getting that across.

I don’t know exactly what the message said but if the so called friend was able to take from it that there was pity in there, then what she probably means is that she recognised that the OP was trying to be sympathetic when she acknowledged that this might be difficult news.

Having sympathy for the difficulties others are facing is supposed to be a good thing.

The ‘friend’ can’t have it both ways. She can’t complain that OP was both insensitive with her timing and insensitive because she doesn’t need pity. It can’t be both. And either way, she’s been incredibly nasty to someone who she is supposed to care about when they have announced a pregnancy and there really isn’t a good excuse for that.

Qilin · 12/04/2023 11:50

YukoandHiro · 12/04/2023 07:05

Your error was to mention her situation at all. It sounds like pity and comparison - almost gloating.
You should just have said "I have some news - I'm expecting" and left it at that.

Many people in her situation would have found this much more difficult to deal with.

Pipsquiggle · 12/04/2023 11:52

Probably came across as pitying her and it became a big deal to her as you were making a big deal of how she would take the news.

The best thing would have been to be factual in your text.

It's really hard when you're going through MCs as EVERYONE else seems to be getting pregnant and it's hard to think rationally.

Your heart was in the right place, she will hopefully come round. Please don't hold this reaction against her - MCs are just awful in every way

Ifitistobesaid · 12/04/2023 11:53

I think a text was the best way to deliver the news but it was probably quite difficult for her to hear the news over Easter.

It’s such a child centric holiday so it would have been especially hard to get your news on top of seeing kids everywhere due the school holidays, videos of easter egg hunts, babies dressed in bunny costumes etc.

Qilin · 12/04/2023 12:00

washinwashoutrepeat · 12/04/2023 09:41

@Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes yes, actually I have lost 4 pregnancies, and had my own infertility journey. And my mental health suffered enormously because of it, for many years. Thank you for asking.

I was able to cry my tears with my close friends when they shared their news, and then go away to digest it on my own.

A text message was/is a toneless, abrupt invasion of privacy. There is no setting of the scene, testing the waters or context. I did not appreciate it and would never do that to someone else. Ever.

But this is applicable to close friends only. As the OP stated this friendship was.

I guess there is no right and wrong answer.

My close friend told me she was pregnant not king after my mc. She didn't know so it wasn't intentional. It was so painful and I felt I had no where to go to process the news. It was awful - in the end Dh faked illness so he could just get me out of the situation as quickly as possible as he knew I was struggling.

A thoughtful message from anyone, including my closest friends, would always be preferable to me.

darjeelingrose · 12/04/2023 12:08

MelchiorsMistress · 12/04/2023 11:41

How would "tried to be considerate" come across in a text as opposed to "pity"? I totally believe the OP when she says she really gave it a lot of thought, but it doesn't mean that she succeeded in getting that across.

I don’t know exactly what the message said but if the so called friend was able to take from it that there was pity in there, then what she probably means is that she recognised that the OP was trying to be sympathetic when she acknowledged that this might be difficult news.

Having sympathy for the difficulties others are facing is supposed to be a good thing.

The ‘friend’ can’t have it both ways. She can’t complain that OP was both insensitive with her timing and insensitive because she doesn’t need pity. It can’t be both. And either way, she’s been incredibly nasty to someone who she is supposed to care about when they have announced a pregnancy and there really isn’t a good excuse for that.

I think that pity is not the same as empathy. The friend can say that the OP was both insensitive with her timing (although I don't see why she was myself) and that she doesn't need pity. It can totally be both. I personally, when going through loss, never needed pity. I actually don't see how pity is ever helpful, pity is not understanding. A person (the OP in this example) feels pity and acts accordingly, which may well include not telling somebody that you feel pity for them, but perhaps instead telling them that you understand that they need to not hear from you for a while, for example. You show pity, by being sensitive.

ImAvingOops · 12/04/2023 12:12

Pity is just a word to mean you feel sorry about/sad for their situation. It's not a bad thing!

MelchiorsMistress · 12/04/2023 12:17

If you show pity by being sensitive, and OP was right to be sensitive then she couldn’t win really could she? The friend was going to react badly no matter what op said or when she said it. OP says that she said she understood if her friend needed some space from her. There is nothing else she could have done.

She had valid reason to send it at the start of the Easter weekend because she wanted to tell her friend herself instead of letting her find out on SM.

I’ve experienced significant loss too but it’s never a reason to send someone an abusive tirade of messages.

washinwashoutrepeat · 12/04/2023 12:37

Regardless of what was said or the timing, it was never going to be easy to say it for your friend to hear. Your friend has no way of knowing how much thought you put into it, all she knows is how the news came to her and how it made her feel.

As this thread shows, everyone is very different. Her reaction shows a lot about the state of her mind at the moment, and it seems to me that she is in self preservation mode. Which is entirely understandable.

I wouldn't throw away this friendship, or be angry with her, personally. I would carry on enjoying your pregnancy but when your friend returns (and hopefully, she will), be sensitive with her. Ask her how she is. Ask her how you can best support her as the pregnancy progresses. Her loss doesn't trump your joy, or vice versa. But you can do your very best to sensitive to each other, because ultimately, life goes on.

ImAvingOops · 12/04/2023 12:50

If her friend is going to block her then I can't see how a relationship recovers from that. Friend could have just muted the OP for a bit, or said she needs space to process her own emotions and that would have been fine. But blocking is not. Blocking is the cutting off of any kind of relationship, as if their history doesn't matter anymore.
I don't think sadness or grief means that you can treat other people badly.

While the OP has to be sensitive and tactful, she doesn't want to end up in a situation where she can't mention her baby or show any positive emotion about it, for fear of her friend's response.

pizzaHeart · 12/04/2023 12:58

@Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes I didn’t mean breezy but simple, it is difficult of course

AmericasfavoritefightingFrenchman · 12/04/2023 13:28

ImAvingOops · 12/04/2023 12:50

If her friend is going to block her then I can't see how a relationship recovers from that. Friend could have just muted the OP for a bit, or said she needs space to process her own emotions and that would have been fine. But blocking is not. Blocking is the cutting off of any kind of relationship, as if their history doesn't matter anymore.
I don't think sadness or grief means that you can treat other people badly.

While the OP has to be sensitive and tactful, she doesn't want to end up in a situation where she can't mention her baby or show any positive emotion about it, for fear of her friend's response.

I don't think sadness or grief means that you can treat other people badly.

@ImAvingOops I don’t think grief means you should treat other people badly, or expect it to be ok if you do- but, people treat each other badly all the time, through spite or jealousy or carelessness or hundreds of other reasons, and actually grief is a reason that makes much more sense than many. It’s still not ‘ok’ but I think it has potential to be much more easily fixed too.

ImAvingOops · 12/04/2023 13:42

I hope so because although people do treat each other badly, you expect your friends not to. I completely understand cutting off a person who is completely insensitive but not a person who is trying to be considerate

darjeelingrose · 12/04/2023 13:49

MelchiorsMistress · 12/04/2023 12:17

If you show pity by being sensitive, and OP was right to be sensitive then she couldn’t win really could she? The friend was going to react badly no matter what op said or when she said it. OP says that she said she understood if her friend needed some space from her. There is nothing else she could have done.

She had valid reason to send it at the start of the Easter weekend because she wanted to tell her friend herself instead of letting her find out on SM.

I’ve experienced significant loss too but it’s never a reason to send someone an abusive tirade of messages.

Absolutely agree, you show pity by being sensitive. The whole problem here is that the message did not go over well. I guess we'll never know, was the OP's message as sensitive as the OP thinks or is her friend who she presumably likes a lot just a bitch? I guess that I am more on the side of the OP inadvertently didn't send as sensitive of a message as she thought, or else it's just too raw for the friend, rather than the friend is an awful person. When you think about it, that doesn't reflect that well on the OP either.

I think that when I went through a loss, however, I may well have been really, really offended by somebody tiptoeing round me to the extent of perhaps doubting that I would be able to be happy for them whilst still being sorry about my own situation. Suggesting giving the friend space may not have come across as sensitive, but more of doubting that the other person could cope. That would be a pretty negative thing to say to a person. I'm sure we have all been in the situation where somebody has tried to do something nice for us, based on a false assumption, I can think of lots of really minor things in my own life, none of which are significant, you know, when you are eating in an only ok restaurant that you both think is the other person's favourite, that sort of thing. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, I think that the OP has really tried, but this is good friend, and I just think that it's probably that the OP has inadvertently offended.

RosaBonheur · 12/04/2023 13:53

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.

You haven't done anything wrong. You tried to be considerate of your friend's feelings but I doubt the only thing you could have done to ensure you didn't upset her is not get pregnant until she has had a baby. Obviously you shouldn't have to put your own family plans on hold because she is going through a hard time. Life goes on, and other people get pregnant and have babies while you're having a miscarriage.

She has behaved badly, but try not to hold it against her. I would probably wait a week or so for her to calm down and then send her a message saying you really didn't want to upset her and you care about your friendship.

It would be really extreme for her to end your friendship over this.

I had five miscarriages before my two babies so I've been where she is. I get where she is coming from which is why I think you should cut her some slack if you can, but she is in the wrong here, not you.

HistoryFanatic · 12/04/2023 15:14

ImAvingOops · 12/04/2023 13:42

I hope so because although people do treat each other badly, you expect your friends not to. I completely understand cutting off a person who is completely insensitive but not a person who is trying to be considerate

You don't exactly think rationally whilst in the midst of grief due to a miscarriage or infertility. It sounds like it was quite a recent miscarriage too.

agna8277 · 12/04/2023 15:35

I have been on both sides.

A good friend announced her pregnancy with DC2 after I just had a missed miscarriage. Our due date was going to only be a couple of months apart. I tried holding back tears while congratulating her. Had to excuse myself soon after. It sucked. Limited contact with her afterwards and had to hide all mummy friends' posts on Facebook then.

Things have turned around for me after that and now have two beautiful DCs. I know a few friends battling infertility issues right now, and have been extra cautious to ensure I take care of their feelings.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 12/04/2023 15:37

HistoryFanatic · 12/04/2023 15:14

You don't exactly think rationally whilst in the midst of grief due to a miscarriage or infertility. It sounds like it was quite a recent miscarriage too.

Show quote history

Sure, and lots of us have been there. It’s really shit. Truly. But I really don’t think anything excuses this woman’s ‘tirade’ of abusive messages to the OP.

darjeelingrose · 12/04/2023 16:03

The OP didn't say the messages were abusive at any point. She said the friend asked why she thought Friday was a good time, said her message was badly worded and she didn’t need her pity.

I think it's weird that people are pilling on to criticise the friend when the OP said it's a really close friend.

justgettingthroughtheday · 12/04/2023 16:06

As someone who has just had a hysterectomy due to cancer and now has zero chance of having children seeing or hearing about other peoples pregnancies is really really hard.

I spend less and less time around friends with children now. It's too painful. If my siblings have children I won't be part of their lives. It's too hard.

Maybe if she is lucky enough to have children she will come round. If not please respect her needs and grief and leave her be.

aibuaibuaibu · 12/04/2023 16:21

Itsgoimgtobealongnight · 12/04/2023 07:32

My dsil insisted I be told on Christmas Eve my other dsil had terminal cancer. DH had already said to wait until after Christmas (we were away with my family) The reason being I’d just had the big C myself. But DSIL1 just rang me up and told me anyway.

it ruined my Christmas, there was nothing gained by my knowing, I spent all Christmas depressed and probably ruined it for my own family.

sorry OP I don’t think having the nice Easter weekend break to digest your news was very kind and I’m surprised all those you checked with thought it ok for you to do it.

Why where you so upset when you didn't have a diagnosis of terminal cancer?