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Original poster

Lost friends over pregnancy news?

128 replies

NameName2023 · 12/04/2023 06:01

Has anyone else lost friends after telling them they were pregnant?

I’ve NC for this as very outing. One of my closest friends had a MMC earlier this year after trying for several months to get pregnant. Unfortunately, she had to go through a medical procedure as the medication route didn’t complete. During this time I found out I was pregnant with our second. I couldn’t visit but sent her gifts and flowers as I knew she was suffering and wanted to put a smile on her face.

As this is my second, I’ve popped a lot sooner and it’s very difficult to hide the bump. We were seeing various different friend groups this weekend and all it would’ve taken would be a comment or a photo for her to see and I wanted to her to hear the news from me.

following advice on MN I spent ages composing a message, which I checked with other friends and sent it on Friday morning. There was never going to be a good time to break this news but I thought at least if she got it on Friday it would’ve given her a long weekend of distractions.

I said in my message that if she needed space I totally understood. Last night I got a tirade of messages as to why I thought Friday was a good time, my message was badly worded and I don’t need your pity. She’s now deleted me and my DH from her Instagram and left our group chat.

She’s one of my oldest friends (was bridesmaid at my wedding) and I’m just a bit shocked. It’s one thing to give space but it feels like she’s said the friendship is over. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing.

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/04/2023 08:05

TheBirdintheCave · 12/04/2023 07:42

I blocked my own brother when he told me he and his wife were expecting. My first miscarriage had just started at the time. Grief is strange.

Show quote history

That's a helpful perspective.
I can imagine not wanting to see all the baby chat and bump photos... So blocking makes sense from that point of view. Not being full of grief I imagine it would be less damaging to say to the blockee you're doing it for that reason.

But yes, I suppose grief can take you to some strange places, so maybe that's too idealistic.

It's encouraging though, to think she might be behaving out of character and maybe this offers hope that the friendship could be restored without resentment on either side (unless this isn't out of character, which might be a bit different).

Knullrufs · 12/04/2023 08:06

Nimbostratus100 · 12/04/2023 06:31

I would guess she is angry at your pity, and your focus on her loss, and your intrusion into her grief by overthinking it and making assumptions and turning the attention onto her

Hopefully she will realise that is was just a well intended error of judgement. I suggest you apologise (BREIFLY! - dont make a song and dance of it!) if you get a chance

I agree with this, I think.

It sort of comes across, in part, like you reframed her feelings around your pregnancy — like it’s a kind of lode star around which everything else orbits.

Don’t get me wrong, in a certain way that’s kind of true. But the nuance, not to mention poor timing (Easter bank holiday weekend) probably landed rather clunkily.

I also agree with the pp who said that sometimes life situations divide friendships. This is a very wise observation.

Fudgewomble · 12/04/2023 08:11

I’m wondering what the message said. Though I can’t really imagine it could have been so badly worded to have warranted such a reaction.

Ive suffered multiple miscarriages (3 requiring surgery) and been on the receiving end of some really patronising messages from friends which upset me. But I never took it out on anyone, there were just a few years when I declined a lot of social invites to christenings, first birthday parties etc.

Like PP suggested maybe send a card - but just one sold by the Miscarriage Association and don’t write anything other than sorry and your name. And if that’s not enough then I really don’t think there’s anything more you can do.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/04/2023 08:15

I disagree op made an error of judgement. For every way she could have handled this there is a an individual at the other end who could find the approach ill-suited, upsetting and wish she'd done it differently.

I don't think we can extrapolate that her message centred the wrong thing, op did her best and sense checked the message with friends... It's just one of those things that can go horribly badly even if you tread as carefully as you can.

This is a case of sympathy all round, but I think could'a should'a would'a is pointless on this one.

ImAvingOops · 12/04/2023 08:21

I don't think you did anything wrong - it's a total minefield trying to guess her state of mind and the right/wrong way of telling her. Even people on this thread who have been through a miscarriage don't agree on the best way to approach her!

Re the timing - this is out of your hands to a large extent. If you say something, you are accused of ruining her Easter, but if you don't and she'd seen photos on SM, then you'd be accused of not caring enough to give her a heads up! You can't win.

Also, you are allowed to feel happy and celebrate your pregnancy. Obviously tact is important but as sad as her own loss is for her, it's not your fault and she shouldn't lash out at you for trying to do the right thing by her. You're not a mind reader and it's impossible for you to know what she wants from you.
I'm going to be critical of her but I think she ought to remember that friends don't grow on trees, say congratulations to you (and mean it) and not do childish shit like block you, for doing a normal thing and trying to handle it in a way that didn't hurt her.

Original poster
NameName2023 · 12/04/2023 08:22

Thank you all for your kind words. I’m sorry for those that have been on the receiving end and your perspective is really helpful.

I’m crying again but in happiness because of your kind words. Thank you.

OP posts:
Cinpple · 12/04/2023 08:23

I've been on both sides. Had a friend block me out of the blue when I announced my 2nd pregnancy. Turned out she had recently had her 3rd miscarriage but had never spoken about it at all so I had no idea she wasn't happily child free by choice.

Not the same but similar - I have a friend with NT children the same ages as my ND ones. I had to mute her on social media as seeing her life was too similar to the future I'd imagined for/with my DC and made me feel sad.

washinwashoutrepeat · 12/04/2023 08:25

I would not have done it via message, that's the only thing I would have changed.

When I was in your friends situation, my friend said to me that she was sorry, and my sadness wouldn't stop her enjoyment of pregnancy (I didn't want to be sad around her during her happy time) but as friends, we could share these emotions together. It meant a lot to me, and still does, 15 years later.

Important conversations should
never be done via text. Ever. At the very very least, a video call where you can see faces. Much better in person.

Congratulations, btw. And a big hug for your friend.

Lcb123 · 12/04/2023 08:27

I think you did the right thing and seems she’s had a strong and immediate reaction to it. I’d just leave it and let her process.

potatowhale · 12/04/2023 08:28

What on earth did you say? I do also think the day before a weekend of celebration is pretty bad timing.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/04/2023 08:29

Previous threads on here have disagreed profoundly that this news should be delivered face to face. To summarise the argument... The grieving person gets no chance to process the instant deep distress they are feeling before having to find a response for the pregnant one that isn't awful. There is no easy way to deal with this. 😔

Thighlengthboots · 12/04/2023 08:29

Important conversations should never be done via text. Ever. At the very very least, a video call where you can see faces. Much better in person

But this is where its so individual because if it were me, I'd FAR prefer a text because then I can deal with it in my own way and not have to worry about my facial expressions or reactions in person. If someone told me face to face I'd most likely cry and then feel bad for doing so. I'd prefer a text because then I can think about my response before sending and it wouldnt be so raw. So it really isnt one size fits all because we all deal with grief differently.

potatowhale · 12/04/2023 08:30

Knullrufs · 12/04/2023 08:06

I agree with this, I think.

It sort of comes across, in part, like you reframed her feelings around your pregnancy — like it’s a kind of lode star around which everything else orbits.

Don’t get me wrong, in a certain way that’s kind of true. But the nuance, not to mention poor timing (Easter bank holiday weekend) probably landed rather clunkily.

I also agree with the pp who said that sometimes life situations divide friendships. This is a very wise observation.

Show quote history

Yes I think so.

It would have just been better to let her know you were pregnant

skippy67 · 12/04/2023 08:30

Nimbostratus100 · 12/04/2023 06:31

I would guess she is angry at your pity, and your focus on her loss, and your intrusion into her grief by overthinking it and making assumptions and turning the attention onto her

Hopefully she will realise that is was just a well intended error of judgement. I suggest you apologise (BREIFLY! - dont make a song and dance of it!) if you get a chance

I agree with this.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/04/2023 08:31

potatowhale · 12/04/2023 08:28

What on earth did you say? I do also think the day before a weekend of celebration is pretty bad timing.

The alternative would have been to wait, which would have meant the friend saw photos of weekends out likely visible bump would be in shot as she can't control people's photos on their sm. The timing wasn't really of op's choosing for that reason.

potatowhale · 12/04/2023 08:31

Thighlengthboots · 12/04/2023 08:29

Important conversations should never be done via text. Ever. At the very very least, a video call where you can see faces. Much better in person

But this is where its so individual because if it were me, I'd FAR prefer a text because then I can deal with it in my own way and not have to worry about my facial expressions or reactions in person. If someone told me face to face I'd most likely cry and then feel bad for doing so. I'd prefer a text because then I can think about my response before sending and it wouldnt be so raw. So it really isnt one size fits all because we all deal with grief differently.

I agree. My sister told me in person after a meal. I'd worked it out during the meal but still waited for her to tell me. Then she told me when she dropped me off and came in for a drink. All I wanted was for her to leave so I could cry my big ugly tears alone.

GettingThereCharleyBear · 12/04/2023 08:33

Your comment about “putting a smile on her face” with some flowers after her MMC was incredibly jarring and made me wonder what you put in your message. I hated receiving flowers after our miscarriages - my house felt like a branch of Interflora and it did not make me smile in any way 😢.

Greengrassgone · 12/04/2023 08:34

You felt your words were the right thing to say- she felt they were very wrong.

Who is right- who knows?

You think you were showing compassion, and she likely thinks you were being self centred and found your pity offensive.

GettingThereCharleyBear · 12/04/2023 08:35

@Thighlengthboots totally agree! I always wanted pregnancy announcements by text so I could scream and cry in private and then paint a smile on to see the person.

Fudgewomble · 12/04/2023 08:37

Oh god, just coming back to say that I’d anyone needs to deliver news like that please please do it by text. A friend phoned me (no video) to tell me she was expecting twins and I was so badly affected after my 6 miscarriages I had to pretend it was a bad line and end the call. If it had been a video call she would have seen the tears streaming down my face. Text message is great for news like this.

ShowUs · 12/04/2023 08:47

I think it’s really selfish when women fall out with other women over pregnancy or having a child.

They have no idea of the struggles you may have gone through to conceive and it’s not fair that they try and put a damper on your news just because they are jealous.

saraclara · 12/04/2023 08:53

Important conversations should never be done via text. Ever. At the very very least, a video call where you can see faces. Much better in person

I would normally agree with you 100%. But a pregnancy announcement following the recipient's miscarriage is pretty much the only exception IMO.

I'd keep the text pretty short and sweet though. It sounds as though OP overthought hers and it might have been a bit too long and focused on her friend's loss too much. But as this thread shows, what's right for one person is terribly wrong for another.

Climbles · 12/04/2023 08:54

The problem here is one persons sensitive message is another persons insensitive message. I would like a brief and breezy message away from other people. Some people would find that rude and impersonal. There was no right thing to say. She may get over it or not but either way it’s not your fault.

Flittingaboutagain · 12/04/2023 08:55

I hated my friend telling me in person. My husband had just died and she invited me to stay for a weekend for a change of scene. Then dropped loads of hints in the first hour and I was trapped there knowing it was coming. I had been unsuccessfully trying to have a child for five years at that point too. Would have much preferred a text!

Cinnamona · 12/04/2023 08:56

I had this with a friend who was going through terrible fertility challenges. I knew some of this but not all of it and I definitely wasn’t as sensitive as I should have been when I told her I was pregnant. She was very very difficult through my whole pregnancy, and when my baby was first born and it also impacted my relationship with our friendship group as they were so conscious of what she was going through.

A few months later she got pregnant and overnight as far as she was concerned everything was back to normal, it was unbelievable. We now both have children, we’ve both been through a lot in our lives in the last few years, and have had to be there for each other, and our friendship is very strong again which I never thought could happen.

This isn’t your fault, so don’t let it eat you up during what is such a big moment in your life. All you can do is be there for her if and when she comes back to you.