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Original poster

How to withdraw holiday ‘invite

108 replies

SnowfallSnowball · 11/04/2023 11:40

Hello all

I have a bit of a dilemma and hoping to ask for advice. Apologies for the length. I have a friend who I’ve known for several years, we get on really well, meet up for lunch/dinners etc, well you get the idea - friends!

Anyway we have been away twice, once was a weekend European city break and the other a UK city break. After both occasions I said to myself ‘I’m not doing that again!’ for various reasons.

I met up with her recently and we were talking about holidays and she asked where I’m planning to go for Christmas (I always plan my holidays well in advance!) and I told her and she was really in awe, through my excitement (stupidity!) I said ‘do you wanna come?’ and she said ‘yes, absolutely’. I talked about my plans of what I want to do etc but after giving it some thought I really don’t want her to go away with her and she recently messaged me asking me what dates I’m booking.

How do I say nicely, “I’ve actually changed my mind and I don’t want you to come”. I should point out that it’s my daughter (16) and I that will be going.

Thanks!

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 11/04/2023 11:42

I would use your DD as an excuse, say she's been looking forward to a bit of 1-1 with her mum and the dynamics would change if she attended.

purplecorkheart · 11/04/2023 11:43

Honestly I would probably use the 16year old as an excuse. Either day that they asked that you keep it a family holiday or else say that you have decided to keep it as a family holiday as it may be the last one that the 16year old is willing to go on.

RoseBucket · 11/04/2023 11:43

Blame your daughter and pre warn her so she is on board. At 16 there are not many years left of just the two of you holidays plus is Christmas.

Scrapper142 · 11/04/2023 12:10

Is it close to your daughters birthday? Or end of exams? Agree with others that you need to spin it into a special weekend for your daughter and you over stepped by inviting a third person. I'd try to avoid suggesting that your daughter has vetoed it though, more that you thought about it a little more and didn't want your daughter to feel pushed out because Mum invited a friend along.

GalileoHumpkins · 11/04/2023 12:18

There is no way to tell her 'nicely' that you don't want her to come, she's going to be hurt however you word it. Don't blame or use your daughter as an excuse, that's cowardly.
I think you have to just tell her you made a mistake inviting her, apologise and hope your friendship survives.

Ellie1015 · 11/04/2023 12:22

Just bite the bullet. You have made a mistake inviting her whatever you say will be awkward but awkward conversation would be my preference over ruining another holiday. Good luck!

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 11/04/2023 12:25

Just don’t mention it again and if she brings it up say ‘we’re just having some 1:1 time for this trip’. She should just say ‘ah right, that will be lovely!’. If she pouts then she is ridiculous and I’d tell her so 😄

Thesharkradar · 11/04/2023 12:25

I would lie and tell her the holiday is off, if she mentions it again shut the conversation down.

JeepersCreeperrs · 11/04/2023 12:28

I would say that you mentioned her coming to your DD who was disappointed and thought you were going to have a 1:1 trip, so you’re really sorry but it’s important you respect her wishes.

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:28

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 11/04/2023 12:25

Just don’t mention it again and if she brings it up say ‘we’re just having some 1:1 time for this trip’. She should just say ‘ah right, that will be lovely!’. If she pouts then she is ridiculous and I’d tell her so 😄

OP invited her. It would be a serious dick move to just say nothing and then call the other person ridiculous because you went back on your invite and didn't even have the grace to say so.

If you invite someone and then change your mind, you have to actually tell them.

Witchofcawdor · 11/04/2023 12:29

I would message or call her and just say that after your meeting, you had a think and feel that with it being Christmas you'd really actually like to spend the holiday just you and your daughter. Say you just got a bit over-excited but with your daughter's age you dont know how much longer she'll want to go away on holidays with you and you want to make the most of it and maybe you can plan another trip away together in the future instead (but then just don't mention it again).

Thesharkradar · 11/04/2023 12:31

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:28

OP invited her. It would be a serious dick move to just say nothing and then call the other person ridiculous because you went back on your invite and didn't even have the grace to say so.

If you invite someone and then change your mind, you have to actually tell them.

Show quote history

Then again a serious dick move might be an appropriate way to end a friendship with someone who has no boundaries?
Do you still want the friendship op?

SeaToSki · 11/04/2023 12:32

I would say you have been thinking some more about the holiday and have decided it just wont work with the three of you. Two is company, three is a crowd is a well worn phrase. Then dont get dragged into any details.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 11/04/2023 12:34

Witchofcawdor · 11/04/2023 12:29

I would message or call her and just say that after your meeting, you had a think and feel that with it being Christmas you'd really actually like to spend the holiday just you and your daughter. Say you just got a bit over-excited but with your daughter's age you dont know how much longer she'll want to go away on holidays with you and you want to make the most of it and maybe you can plan another trip away together in the future instead (but then just don't mention it again).

All of this (assuming it’s true) but not the end bit about going away another time.

Why do people lie? It’s really cowardly and most of the time everyone knows you’re lying anyway. I have an ex colleague who does this, always asking what she can say to various people as an excuse to not do things she’s already committed to. Just tell the bloody truth!

MrsKHunt · 11/04/2023 12:35

Don't blame your daughter just say that you are sorry but in retrospect you feel its better you stick to the original plan of just you and your daughter going.you can try and sweeten the blow by suggesting the two of you do something separate
If pushed say its you who wants some family time with DD

IamKlaus · 11/04/2023 12:37

Thesharkradar · 11/04/2023 12:31

Then again a serious dick move might be an appropriate way to end a friendship with someone who has no boundaries?
Do you still want the friendship op?

Show quote history

OP invited her, what are you not getting here? The friend hasn't done anything wrong and the only ones with boundary issues are you and OP!

StagsLeap · 11/04/2023 12:39

I just want to know why, given that you have twice gone away with her and come home resolving not to do it again, you actually explicitly asked her to go with you? I could understand it if she put you on the spot and asked to come and you felt railroaded into agreeing, but she didn’t ask, you offered! Why???

Mirabai · 11/04/2023 12:42

Just say your 16 year old was upset at someone else being invited along for Christmas as she wanted some quality family time. Would she be very offended if you rescheduled.

maddy68 · 11/04/2023 12:48

FrenchandSaunders · 11/04/2023 11:42

I would use your DD as an excuse, say she's been looking forward to a bit of 1-1 with her mum and the dynamics would change if she attended.

This. I would say you got over excited and then realised that oh had promised your children some th time and that would be fair to them to bring your friend I'd text if. So you can think about the wording

PollyAmour · 11/04/2023 12:55

Just tell her you've changed your plans, end of story.

DrPrunesquallor · 11/04/2023 12:56

FrenchandSaunders · 11/04/2023 11:42

I would use your DD as an excuse, say she's been looking forward to a bit of 1-1 with her mum and the dynamics would change if she attended.

This, absolutely!
She can’t argue with you and your daughter wanting some time together.
And if you find having her on holiday with you in general something you don’t want to continue doing
either
don't tell her what your doing
or
always say from the outset you’re going with family, even if you’re not.

It’s sounds to me that you are done with sharing the experience with her. Holidays are expensive, don’t be a martyr.

HaggisBurger · 11/04/2023 12:57

Please don’t blame your 16 year old. Don’t be so wet.

Just say you’ve thought about it and would prefer to stick to your original plan. Don’t offer another weekend away with her as you’ve clearly said in your op that you don’t enjoy going away with her.

Viviennemary · 11/04/2023 12:57

That is quite mean think. Why did you agree so enthusiastically. You will just have to come up with a spurious excuse

TheaBrandt · 11/04/2023 12:58

You don’t need to lie just say on reflection you need to spend the time with just your Dd as it’s a sensitive age and you will go with her another time ….that never actually happens.

Lockheart · 11/04/2023 12:58

You apologise, you say you spoke in haste and you were unthinking. Explain you need / want to spend some quality time with your daughter. Say you hope she understands, and ask if she wants to do lunch / dinner / whatever soon.