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Original poster

How to withdraw holiday ‘invite

108 replies

SnowfallSnowball · 11/04/2023 11:40

Hello all

I have a bit of a dilemma and hoping to ask for advice. Apologies for the length. I have a friend who I’ve known for several years, we get on really well, meet up for lunch/dinners etc, well you get the idea - friends!

Anyway we have been away twice, once was a weekend European city break and the other a UK city break. After both occasions I said to myself ‘I’m not doing that again!’ for various reasons.

I met up with her recently and we were talking about holidays and she asked where I’m planning to go for Christmas (I always plan my holidays well in advance!) and I told her and she was really in awe, through my excitement (stupidity!) I said ‘do you wanna come?’ and she said ‘yes, absolutely’. I talked about my plans of what I want to do etc but after giving it some thought I really don’t want her to go away with her and she recently messaged me asking me what dates I’m booking.

How do I say nicely, “I’ve actually changed my mind and I don’t want you to come”. I should point out that it’s my daughter (16) and I that will be going.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowfallSnowball · 11/04/2023 16:19

I’m a terrible liar so going and telling her that I haven’t gone wouldn’t work! I wouldn’t do that anyway.

Also I’m glad some PP understand that you can have friends and get on like a house on fire but incompatible when it comes to holidays. To be fair there were 4 years between the two trips and thought things may have improved from the first. Anyway lesson learnt!

There will be upset but at least only temporary, no money has been spent so that’s a relief.

Interestingly when I spoke to my daughter about it earlier, she appeared relieved.

OP posts:
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 11/04/2023 16:20

GalileoHumpkins · 11/04/2023 12:18

There is no way to tell her 'nicely' that you don't want her to come, she's going to be hurt however you word it. Don't blame or use your daughter as an excuse, that's cowardly.
I think you have to just tell her you made a mistake inviting her, apologise and hope your friendship survives.

Yeah that's going to go down really well!? Er, not.
Have you not heard of "white lies" so that the truth is disguised by bearing the other person's feelings in mind and everyone ends up happy? Try it one day.

Original poster
SnowfallSnowball · 11/04/2023 16:20

@twinteenwrangler ahh that’s good! Were you worried about your friends reaction before speaking to them?

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowfallSnowball · 11/04/2023 16:23

@WorkHardPlayHard1 absolutely, I wasn’t going to be mean about it, especially as it was my mistake. White lie is key in this scenario.

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowfallSnowball · 11/04/2023 16:25

@Xarrie thank you!

Sorry I’ve not responded to all the responses but really appreciate all of your input. She hasn’t responded as yet but will keep you posted when she does! 😊

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 11/04/2023 16:26

Tell her that your daughter has forbidden anyone from being invited.

Then tell her you'd love to spend another holiday with her, but sadly you've raised a monster! Then swiftly move the conversation onto how you've failed as a parent and that your friend is so lucky not to have any children.

She should go away feeling very good about herself.

twinteenwrangler · 11/04/2023 16:37

@SnowfallSnowball I was a bit, but then I thought that this was a good way of putting it and that she would understand that DD would come first - and she did. Good luck!

GalileoHumpkins · 11/04/2023 16:44

Try it one day

🙄

NotHangingAround · 11/04/2023 16:45

Witchofcawdor · 11/04/2023 12:29

I would message or call her and just say that after your meeting, you had a think and feel that with it being Christmas you'd really actually like to spend the holiday just you and your daughter. Say you just got a bit over-excited but with your daughter's age you dont know how much longer she'll want to go away on holidays with you and you want to make the most of it and maybe you can plan another trip away together in the future instead (but then just don't mention it again).

This is perfect.

TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 11/04/2023 16:46

Ooo I'm curious OP what is it that put you off going on holiday with her?!

Soproudoflionesses · 11/04/2023 16:53

This is the sort of situation l would get myself into op and l can totally see how it might happen.

Maybe say you have had a chat with dd and actually between you, you have both decided you would rather just go the two of you.

WombatChocolate · 11/04/2023 16:57

First, understand that you made an error in inviting her and accept responsibility for that and also accept responsibility for the fact she will probably be rather hurt.

Dont delay getting in touch, but do the right thing and get in touch, apologise and admit you got carried away with your excitement, but that this needs to be a holiday just for you and your daughter. Apologise again and acknowledge she was excited and you’re sorry to let her down. OP will know if she will get over this quickly or it will be a bigger deal.

I don’t think there is a need for scourging yourself or multiple apologies over time, but it will be important to be in touch again quickly and to arrange to do something together. This can help heal any hurt.

These things do happen. The best thing is to communicate quickly and honestly but tactfully and to move on. Delaying and being dishonest is probably a recipe for disaster and pretty cowardly. When you make an error you have to own it.

CuriousMama · 11/04/2023 17:03

Good luck 🤞 I'm sure she'll be ok?

Original poster
SnowfallSnowball · 11/04/2023 17:16

@twinteenwrangler ahh that’s great and thank you!

@TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing such a cool username!

Well I’d always be the organiser, that I can’t help as it’s what I do in my job. Or I’d make some suggestions and they’d always be met with ‘no thanks’ so I’d say ‘ok what do you suggest’ and she would never have any ideas but would poo poo things I suggested. Don’t get me wrong I’m not talking about a strict itinerary or anything (I’m not that anal) but when you’re limited on time you want to cross a few things off! Also she was tight with money.

The last trip we had she was better at that but it was just painful the second day we were there. Like trying to get blood out of a stone conversation wise. When I asked her about it, she said she just wanted quiet time, we were there for two days and we’d come together! It’s weird because when we are together we have a good laugh and chat for hours but maybe I can only be dealt with in short bursts haha!

OP posts:
Original poster
SnowfallSnowball · 11/04/2023 17:17

@WombatChocolate thank you, good points raised! I’m trying to do better owning those errors 😊

OP posts:
Kittykatchunjy · 11/04/2023 17:17

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 11/04/2023 12:25

Just don’t mention it again and if she brings it up say ‘we’re just having some 1:1 time for this trip’. She should just say ‘ah right, that will be lovely!’. If she pouts then she is ridiculous and I’d tell her so 😄

You wouldn't seriously do that would you??

Schnooze · 11/04/2023 17:17

I’m not surprised your dd was relieved, and very nice of her to agree in the first place.

H007 · 12/04/2023 18:00

It’s really mean that you’ve invited her and now are withdrawing the invitation even though nothing negative has occurred in the friendship.

3luckystars · 12/04/2023 18:10

It sounded like more of a conversation rather than an actual invitation. There were no plans made.

IamKlaus · 12/04/2023 18:16

3luckystars · 12/04/2023 18:10

It sounded like more of a conversation rather than an actual invitation. There were no plans made.

If you tell someone you are going somwhere, and then you say "would you like to come with me"...that is 100% an invitation.

Ladyfrog59 · 12/04/2023 18:43

Just tell her you're no longer going

OhcantthInkofaname · 12/04/2023 18:47

FrenchandSaunders · 11/04/2023 11:42

I would use your DD as an excuse, say she's been looking forward to a bit of 1-1 with her mum and the dynamics would change if she attended.

^This.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 12/04/2023 19:36

SnowfallSnowball · 11/04/2023 11:40

Hello all

I have a bit of a dilemma and hoping to ask for advice. Apologies for the length. I have a friend who I’ve known for several years, we get on really well, meet up for lunch/dinners etc, well you get the idea - friends!

Anyway we have been away twice, once was a weekend European city break and the other a UK city break. After both occasions I said to myself ‘I’m not doing that again!’ for various reasons.

I met up with her recently and we were talking about holidays and she asked where I’m planning to go for Christmas (I always plan my holidays well in advance!) and I told her and she was really in awe, through my excitement (stupidity!) I said ‘do you wanna come?’ and she said ‘yes, absolutely’. I talked about my plans of what I want to do etc but after giving it some thought I really don’t want her to go away with her and she recently messaged me asking me what dates I’m booking.

How do I say nicely, “I’ve actually changed my mind and I don’t want you to come”. I should point out that it’s my daughter (16) and I that will be going.

Thanks!

Blame daughter - she really wants just her and mum time and feels that she’ll either feel in the way or excluded, true actually, 3’s a crowd etc. blame daughter.

Original poster
SnowfallSnowball · 12/04/2023 20:13

Well she replied and said “don’t stress it’s cool, I’m not pissed off just disappointed as I got excited but it’s no problem, let’s catch up soon”

All sorted!

OP posts:
LoisLane66 · 12/04/2023 20:14

I'd say that you and your daughter have decided not to go anywhere after all, for a number of reasons which you don't want to go into. Just tell her that you were a bit over enthusiastic about it and have decided not to go this year. Tell her you might be going next year (which isn't exactly a lie) but no set plans for Xmas 2023. Then change the subject.
Tackle it now, then she can't complain about you letting her dream about the perfect Christmas holiday.

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