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Original poster

How to withdraw holiday ‘invite

108 replies

SnowfallSnowball · 11/04/2023 11:40

Hello all

I have a bit of a dilemma and hoping to ask for advice. Apologies for the length. I have a friend who I’ve known for several years, we get on really well, meet up for lunch/dinners etc, well you get the idea - friends!

Anyway we have been away twice, once was a weekend European city break and the other a UK city break. After both occasions I said to myself ‘I’m not doing that again!’ for various reasons.

I met up with her recently and we were talking about holidays and she asked where I’m planning to go for Christmas (I always plan my holidays well in advance!) and I told her and she was really in awe, through my excitement (stupidity!) I said ‘do you wanna come?’ and she said ‘yes, absolutely’. I talked about my plans of what I want to do etc but after giving it some thought I really don’t want her to go away with her and she recently messaged me asking me what dates I’m booking.

How do I say nicely, “I’ve actually changed my mind and I don’t want you to come”. I should point out that it’s my daughter (16) and I that will be going.

Thanks!

OP posts:
twinteenwrangler · 11/04/2023 14:11

I did something similar recently (on a smaller scale) and I said 'I've thought about some more and realised it wasn't my place to invite you on DD's trip - I got a bit over excited when we were talking, i'm so sorry' and the other person said no problem, I understand.

3luckystars · 11/04/2023 14:12

you could just say that the plans have changed a bit and you need to spend time alone with your daughter, but would like to book something with friend for when you get back (dinner somewhere nice/evening out) and you will tell her the story then.

3luckystars · 11/04/2023 14:12

All true .

allmyliesaretrue · 11/04/2023 14:14

Blame it on DD 100%, say that she wants it to be just the two of you. Your 'friend' is probably going to be upset if she is so excited about going.

Xarrie · 11/04/2023 14:14

I hope she's understanding. I would be.

drpet49 · 11/04/2023 14:15

FrenchandSaunders · 11/04/2023 11:42

I would use your DD as an excuse, say she's been looking forward to a bit of 1-1 with her mum and the dynamics would change if she attended.

This. Perfect excuse

Ponderingwindow · 11/04/2023 14:16

It’s not blaming the daughter to say that having an extra person would change the dynamic.

just tell her you messed up. This is supposed to be a mother daughter trip and you got caught up in the excitement of the moment and invited her when it really wasn’t acceptable. When she says, well some other time then, you don’t have to disagree. Just make sure some other time never actually materializes.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/04/2023 14:26

Witchofcawdor · 11/04/2023 12:29

I would message or call her and just say that after your meeting, you had a think and feel that with it being Christmas you'd really actually like to spend the holiday just you and your daughter. Say you just got a bit over-excited but with your daughter's age you dont know how much longer she'll want to go away on holidays with you and you want to make the most of it and maybe you can plan another trip away together in the future instead (but then just don't mention it again).

I would do this.

Jellifulfruit · 11/04/2023 14:29

You’re entitled to enjoy your holiday and if it isn’t with your friend then so be it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I hope she takes it alright and isn’t too devastated

Wife2b · 11/04/2023 14:36

Aw your poor friend, sounds like she is really looking forward to it. I think I’d suck it up in your position, nothing worse when friends let you down with plans you’ve looked forward to.

HowlingDogs · 11/04/2023 14:48

Let us know her reply

5128gap · 11/04/2023 14:55

There isn't a way in the world you can get everything you want here. So your options are:
Upset her by uninviting her (there is no excuse that will work, you're clutching at straws!)
Put up with her on the holiday.
Cancel altogether and don't go.
Lie that you're not going, go, feel like a bad person, and live in fear of being found out.
Pick the least worst option.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 11/04/2023 15:00

I hope she takes the message well
Christmas is still ages away, so she has time to get used to the idea
I think it's fine to tell a white lie in this situation actually to save hurting her
I'd say something like as it's over Christmas your DD assumed it was " family time" and that's what you think is best
I wouldn't be offended

diddl · 11/04/2023 15:00

Just tell her that you'd prefer it to be just you & your daughter.

BevMarsh · 11/04/2023 15:05

I'd probably tell her you've decided not to do the holiday.
Nearer the time when she asks your plans then tell her you have rebooked but it's just you and DD as it may be the last time you get to go away together as she's getting older and will making her own plans soon.
Vaguely suggest the two of you going away at some point to change the subject.

FinallyHere · 11/04/2023 15:07

SeaToSki · 11/04/2023 12:32

I would say you have been thinking some more about the holiday and have decided it just wont work with the three of you. Two is company, three is a crowd is a well worn phrase. Then dont get dragged into any details.

This

And tell her sooner rather than later.

Pertinentowl · 11/04/2023 15:08

No, I think probably nothings worse than going on holiday with people you aren’t compatible with abroad. It’s a whole different dynamic. Of course OP was mad to invite her, she already knew she didn’t like it but she doesn’t have to go through with it. I once announced I was turning my life around and asked everyone for exercise advice and enthusiastically promised to go for walks and yoga with everyone I knew. That was ten years ago

BeeBB · 11/04/2023 15:11

Witchofcawdor · 11/04/2023 12:29

I would message or call her and just say that after your meeting, you had a think and feel that with it being Christmas you'd really actually like to spend the holiday just you and your daughter. Say you just got a bit over-excited but with your daughter's age you dont know how much longer she'll want to go away on holidays with you and you want to make the most of it and maybe you can plan another trip away together in the future instead (but then just don't mention it again).

This no lies and kind of true. At 16 this may well be the last quality holiday time you have with your dd.

I would also say something sooner than later if you haven’t already giving her a chance to make other plans/rejig her annual leave etc. The longer you leave it the harder the conversation will be for both of you and the bigger the disappointment for her.

ganvough · 11/04/2023 15:18

She's a grown ass woman, who hopefully is familiar with the concept of plans changing and people changing their minds. I would tell her that you'd prefer to spend 1:1 time with just DD on reflection. And in future don't invite her to holidays - if she invites herself/gets excited - THEN you can tell her that you don't think you make compatible travel buddies (no need to go into reasons) and would prefer your friendship to remain local. Hopefully, she isn't completely oblivious and has some inkling that you've not been very happy on your trips abroad - unless you're the world's best actress.

If she takes it badly, either you wanting 1:1 time with DD or not wanting to travel with her - she's not mature enough to be a good friend. I have a great friend of many years but we went on holiday once and I hated it - was honest from that point on that I didn't think our friendship could survive a holiday as we travel very differently. She laughed and said she understood and that was that - friendship has remained as it was.

Beautiful3 · 11/04/2023 15:30

I'd say, " I've just spoken to my daughter. She really wants it to be a mother & daughter trip. I'm really sorry."

Pluvia · 11/04/2023 15:38

Don't explain and don't use your daughter as an excuse. Just say to your friend that you've decided that going away to X isn't going to work for you this year. If she asks questions sigh and say 'cost of living'. If she continues to go on about it say 'It's not going to be possible' and leave it there. She can think what she likes.

There's no obligation to her. You hadn't agreed dates or booked anything. She has 8 months to work on an alternative.

FrenchandSaunders · 11/04/2023 15:47

@Pluvia but she’ll know when Xmas comes around and she goes

Pluvia · 11/04/2023 15:49

Goes where?

OP and DD will have to find somewhere else for this Christmas and can do what OP had originally planned for this Christmas another year. If OP goes to the destination she's already discussed with her friend, she may find the friend has gone ahead and booked anyway — and she won't want that.

MysteryBelle · 11/04/2023 15:53

GalileoHumpkins · 11/04/2023 12:18

There is no way to tell her 'nicely' that you don't want her to come, she's going to be hurt however you word it. Don't blame or use your daughter as an excuse, that's cowardly.
I think you have to just tell her you made a mistake inviting her, apologise and hope your friendship survives.

I would go the cowardly route 😀 and tell her that while talking over the plans with your dd, you realized she needs a mum and daughter holiday this time.

I just wouldn’t want to hurt the friend’s feelings. And you haven’t said exactly why you’d rather not have her come along.

Darkernights · 11/04/2023 16:13

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 11/04/2023 12:25

Just don’t mention it again and if she brings it up say ‘we’re just having some 1:1 time for this trip’. She should just say ‘ah right, that will be lovely!’. If she pouts then she is ridiculous and I’d tell her so 😄

But she's not being ridiculous, is she? She was invited and now is being uninvited and it is perfectly reasonable of her to feel messed around (because she has been) and to feel hurt.

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