How to withdraw holiday ‘invite

[SnowfallSnowball]

Hello all

I have a bit of a dilemma and hoping to ask for advice. Apologies for the length. I have a friend who I’ve known for several years, we get on really well, meet up for lunch/dinners etc, well you get the idea - friends!

Anyway we have been away twice, once was a weekend European city break and the other a UK city break. After both occasions I said to myself ‘I’m not doing that again!’ for various reasons.

I met up with her recently and we were talking about holidays and she asked where I’m planning to go for Christmas (I always plan my holidays well in advance!) and I told her and she was really in awe, through my excitement (stupidity!) I said ‘do you wanna come?’ and she said ‘yes, absolutely’. I talked about my plans of what I want to do etc but after giving it some thought I really don’t want her to go away with her and she recently messaged me asking me what dates I’m booking.

How do I say nicely, “I’ve actually changed my mind and I don’t want you to come”. I should point out that it’s my daughter (16) and I that will be going.

Thanks!

Is that right 'invite or a typo? Sorry for derail just intrigued!

What did she do last time to make you not want to holiday with her again?!

Don't use your daughter as an excuse, that would be pretty horrible of you to use her for your own lack of boundaries and people pleasing tendencies.

Just message her back immediately and tell her that you've had time to think and you've decided that you're looking forward to spending one on one time with your daughter .

Just leave it at that ... don't offer up any alternatives because you've said it's not what you want .

It's going to be uncomfortable... but that is something you have to learn to sit with if you're going to put boundaries in place for what works for you rather than placating others .

I don't think you should say anything, you invited her and she accepted.
Now you suck it up and go with her and next time you have a holiday booked behave like an adult and only invite people you want to go with.

I think you need to honour your invitation, OP - there's no non-upsetting way to uninvite someone from something you've invited them to. I think you need to be prepared that it might spell the end of the friendship if you uninvite her.

I think you need to stand by what you said. This is a problem of your own making and you've got her excited about something through no fault of her own.

You don't sound like a very nice friend to be honest.

If you don't want to go away with her, stop going away with her and resenting it.

Instead of lying, be honest about whatever issues it is you have with her. And also apologise for lying and being fake. Be an adult about it.

Tell her that you've been thinking about the holiday and worry that in your excitement you may have have gotten carried away by inviting her.

Tell her you enjoy going away with her and know your DD probably wouldn't mind but that you don't have many years left of DD wanting to come and you really want some one on one time with her.

Tell her that you and her will have to go away another time and that you hope she understands. (Then don't arrange to go away with her if you don't want to)

That way you're not blaming your DD but letting her down gently.

I know people say you shouldn't lie but I also don't know many people like that in the real world. A lot of social etiquette is built on dancing around things and speaking indirectly, particularly in this country.
It might not be the most healthy but it's the social norm.

Saying "I've changed my mind and don't want you to come" without anything to soften it would come across as needlessly rude to me.

Are people really that brutally honest all the time?

"I actually don't want to talk to you. Please go and sit somewhere else. This is a bus not a mothers meeting."

"Your ineptitude knows no bounds. I can only imagine what you did to get this job in the first place. You're the reason we all want to work from home".

"No I do not like my haircut. It looks like someone has attached a sheep to my head then done a bad job at shearing it. I'm so pleased to see that the back of my head does, in fact, look just as bad as the front. Unfortunately there's nothing you can really do about it now and I'm reluctant to let you anywhere near my head again."

I mean, it's the kind of thing i might fantasise about but I'm not sure I could ever actually do. It would seem a social faux pas, but seeing these replies has me doubting myself.

I just can't imagine that you would be able to keep any semblance of a friendship with this person if you outright just told her that actually you don't want her to come after all without so much as a weasel word or platitude to soften the blow.

Don't lie. Bite the bullet. do wahat @Lockheart and @TheaBrandt say

“Sorry, our plans have had to change so we won’t be able to go away with you after all.”

I think some previous posters are being a bit dramatic.

Christmas for a start is ages away, plenty of time for your friend to get over any potential disappointment.

Secondly, a white lie to spare someone's feelings every now and again is not the worst thing a person can do.

I think it sounds better saying you want 1-1 time with your daughter rather than straight up saying I don't want you to come. The latter could make someone feel really shit about themselves, the former sounds believable and doesn't make it about the other person, leaving them to wonder what is wrong with them.

Thanks everyone for your responses. Our friendship won’t end. Also as some PP have suggested I would never ignore her, hence why I asked for some advice on what to say.

Also I’ll admit inviting her was a massive faux pas on my part and I’ll have to rectify that now but we’ll be ok. She’ll probably be pissed off, granted but she’ll be fine….eventually. We get on really well, I just think holiday buddies we aren’t. It was stupid of me to ask her to come but I got caught up in the moment, it happens!

To be honest my daughter probably wouldn’t be fussed either way but I’m going to just bite the bullet and just send a message. I’ll report back!

It's fine to uninvite her with this much notice. In sure someone has suggested something better but something along the lines of "look, I am really sorry, but actually, I want to keep the Christmas trip just DD and me". She'll be fine about it I'm sure and if not she's being silly.

Ps: this isn't the woman with terrible issues with food is it? There was a poster on here recently(ish) and I remember two different threads with two different holidays. If it's you, omg yanbu at all. That poor woman sounded unbearable. Clearly lots wrong there but still just awful to be on holiday with

@Comfies no that wasn’t me, sounds like an interesting thread though!

@StagsLeap I know!! I just got caught up in the moment and then later I was thinking ‘ffs why?!’

@Esquay

Tell her you enjoy going away with her

But the whole point of the post is that she doesn't...

@Esquay thanks, no I wasn’t going to say that outright, I’m not that mean. Just a polite way of saying that, I guess there isn’t but I’ve sent a message and been as nice as I can be.

Are you a bit of a people pleaser? It might be good to work on that, because saying something to make someone happy in the moment isn't working out all that well over the longer term. It would have been kinder/better to have ignored her hints, but that is probably something that you need to practise.

I agree with PPs that there is plenty of time for her to make other plans for the Christmas break so long as you tell her now, and also play up how you want to have time with your DD because soon she will be too old to want to holiday with her mum. Don't say 'maybe in the future' or anything like that, you already know that you never want to holiday with her again so just stay away from people pleasing now only to not follow through in the future.

I would say that you’ve realized that DD was expecting a special trip 1:1 with you and would be upset. So you are really sorry that you’ve messed her up.
And then not talk to her about your future holidays plans.

Yeah do this if you're a two faced bitch. If you're not then give her plenty of warning that the plan has changed so she can make alternative arrangements .

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar not a people pleaser no. If I don’t want to do something I’m ok with saying no or whatever. I got caught up on this occasion. However you’re absolutely right, I won’t suggest future going away plans and stick to what works!

You don't have to explin anything. Just say

"Sorry, change of plan here.
. Hope you can find someone else to go with"

It’s tricky because you can be good friends but still not compatible for holidays and some people just don’t get it.

All the posts immediately saying blame the child!? 😂 jesus!!

Just say you spoke to daughter and she was really upset not just the two of you and you feel obligated to keep to original plan as one of the last few hols you’ll have before she’s an adult. Hope you can understand I have to put my daughters needs first. Maybe another time, sorry for messing you around.

It's not about blame, its about a polite fiction that maintains the relationship for both sides.
It's how civilised people behave.