Autistic women assemble!

[Nepmarthiturn]

...only if and when you're not feeling antisocial and want the entire world to +%$¥ off, or course. 😉😆

A few of us were talking on another thread and thought it would be nice to have a support/ chat thread on here to share interests/ challenges/ parenting issues or whatever we feel like. A little community of autistic women on here that we can dip in and out of but will be supportive and friendly and people who actually get it.

Might also be a nice counterbalance to all of the horrific posts about autism that we find here so regularly!!

P.S. Have deliberately posted this in chat rather than in the ND Mumsnetters topic because it will hopefully reach more people who would like to join in. I didn't even realise that section existed for a long time and often miss threads there as they don't show in active and expect I'm not alone in that. However, in posting this here, we will be relying on the people with obnoxious and ignorant views about autism who so regularly post on Mumsnet, to demonstrate to us their allegedly superior empathy (ha!) and please just leave this thread alone: it's not for you. Many thanks!!

And I’m married to an undiagnosed but unmistakable AuDHD husband. DS is 5 and we’ve just started the autism assessment process for him (school has confirmed they treat him as autistic). DD is too young to tell.

I'm also late to the party but I'm glad I've found you all!

Late diagnosed AuDHD-er here 👋I started taking ADHD meds back in December 2021 and, just as I was warned, they have dampened my ADHD traits and given my autistic traits room to truly shine 😂between that and working from home for 2.5 years during the pandemic, my mask has slipped and I can no longer dismiss my own comfort for that of the NTs. It turns out my support needs are much higher than anyone would have guessed (including me!) but I can't un-ring the bell.

I'm typing this from my bed and I'm wearing my ear defenders because I'm so overstimulated from playing with my dog. He's very cute but bloody hell, he's persistent and has to be touching me at all times.

@amusedbush oh that’s interesting re meds… I suspect I’m also AuDHD, it would be great if meds could take the edge off the ADHD… I wouldn’t mind the autistic coming to the fore a bit more, I’m so sick of masking. And I sympathise with the dog, I have a terrier who squeaks constantly and I have to put him out because it literally physically grates on me sometimes.

Just an insight and something I am currently trying to get my head around right now. Because I am burnt out I've called social services in to get my eldest into some assisted living. I've been his carer all his life and I can't do it any more. Nor can I make him do more himself and get him to be more independent. So yes, his money he gets has helped us pay private sector rent etc over the years, and I've received carers allowance for a good few years now whilst feeling guilty for claiming it when I'm actually just looking after my own son.
The other shocking side of this is the amount of rent that will be paid for him to house share, over a £1000 a month. Then my carers allowance stops but gets added on to his benefit and he will possibly have to pay a small amount to the care team. It's costing the system a fortune, but they pay us a pittance as parents and don't recognise the mental strain on us. As soon as this all happens, I can no longer afford my rent for myself and my youngest and will need to be out there working. Just wondering where I am going to find the mental capacity, let alone the physical energy to do this.

OP, I'd like to thank you for this thread.

It's honestly blowing my mind though. There are so many posts in here that resonate with me but half of me is thinking ' but doesn't EVERYONE think like this?'
But they clearly don't, hence the realisation of our 'otherness'.
I'm not expressing myself very well but it's really, really, eye-opening, in a good way!

Oh and I'm all about the notebooks, lists, rats and guinea pigs ❤️

Yep, I can hear both of those! I have to sleep with brown noise playing because there is no such thing as silence for me - if it's too quiet, I can hear electricity buzzing in the walls.

DH was recently like because I was freaking out about the neighbour's washing machine. He said he couldn't hear a thing but the spin cycle through the wall makes me feel like my brain is vibrating in my skull.

I don't know if you're a Still Game fan but he jokingly calls me Shug: (that link should take you to the scene I'm referring to but if not, it's 09:43 - 10:20)

It amazes me that other people can’t hear electricity. The silence in a power cut is just bliss.

Mine is a terrier too! A Jack Russell (maybe crossed with a chihuahua; he's very small and has a "jack-chi" shaped head). He'll be 10 in August and shows no sign of slowing down... or shutting up...

Ha! Ours is a JRT x Border. He squeaks at ultrasonic frequency and DH can’t hear him 😂

I was like your daughter at university, and it was so hard, never considered autism (the 90s...) but I did get a diagnosis of "social phobia" which was apparently quite cutting edge back then! After that I learnt lots of coping techniques to deal with my "shyness" and did actually make a really nice reasonably social life for myself!
Diagnosed with ADHD many years later and suspect perhaps autism too but have had enough jumping through diagnostic hoops.
I wish your daughter many good things, finding ways to cope whether there or back home doing something different, and being able to find the things she can fit into her life and great like minded people to spend a lot or a little time with.

@JarByTheDoor your mum sounds amazing. I’m an autistic mum of an autistic DS. I make those adjustments where I see the need but your lovely post has reminded me why I need to be patient with him. You sound just like me at school. It’s so strange reading this coming together of people who resonate with me after years of feeling odd.

I am self diagnosed and am so happy for this thread. I mask all day and am mentally exhausted. I am happy to be somewhere I can be myself.

Tentatively saying hello and hoping I'm not too late to the thread.

I'm a 30 something mum to one DD who is just shy of her first birthday. It didn't really cross my mind I might be autistic until a couple of years ago, but since DD was born it couldn't have been any clearer. The noise, the mess, I find it all physically painful. I was diagnosed with late onset PND and then PTSD due to some medical trauma relating to DD's health. However, my psychiatrist has written a report that says I'm autistic and I'm having a formal assessment next week. I'm dreading going back to work next month as I have a demanding job which I would ordinarily cope with by taking a lot of down time but obviously that won't be happening now. I genuinely have no idea how I'll cope with working and parenting!

There's a lot I could say about how autism affects me but I'm too scared to blether on and make it all about me 😬 (something I've realised I do a lot!)

Ah my mum's fantastic (IMHO).

Though, to be fair, her autistic traits were slightly less convenient when she was required to fill out questionnaires for my ASD diagnostic process 🤣

I read her the questionnaires and transcribed answers she gave me over the phone, and much of the time her initial answer was that, as a child, I seemed quite normal to her in whatever domain they were asking about (which I transcribed). But when asked for more details, she described fairly clear indicators of autism (which I also transcribed — must've been a fun form to read). And when asked something like, "Did Jar respond with appropriate facial expressions between the ages of x and y," her response was along the lines of "I don't understand what they mean by this question". I ended up just having to faithfully transcribe her bafflement, as we couldn't work out a way for her to meaningfully answer.

Thing is, she essentially can't read facial expressions, unless they're very, very obvious (nor get any information from tone of voice — she's operating on a tiny percentage of the info the average person has at their disposal, and far less than I'm able to interpret, yet somehow she's still one of the kindest, nicest, most considerate people I know).

I can only assume assessors are somewhat used to the odd misleadingly reassuring parent report, when the parent has a frame of reference in which their child's idiosyncrasies are perfectly normal

It's funny when it turns out there were lots of us dotted around the country going through the same sort of thing at more or less the same time, when I suspect each of us probably felt as though we were the only kid who was like this.

I hear the animal deterrent things, but not electricity all the time. My eldest son can hear the electric and has always gone round switching off sockets and light switches. I have a strong sense of smell too and issues with certain textures, like onions -yuck, I can cope with jelly, but none of my children can, I'm not keen on lumpy sauces either.
I wish I could speed read, well I can, but I don't retain the information any more, I used to.

Don't feel terrible. I'm not at the end of the thread yet, but why not start a thread focused on parenting children with autism?

@OdeToBarney
Can I ask how your PTSD has impacted on your autism and vice versa? My PTSD is due to childhood trauma and I've been told it will be difficult to get a diagnosis as it will be harder to unpick what is trauma based and what is autism based, but i am not sure how true that is (and would probably not be true for someone who's PTSD is later onset). I have found that as I have had PTSD treatment my autism symptoms are less masked, I think because I am safer and happier and therefore more comfortable unmasking. Also things that were ascribed to PTSD are still there and actually probably autistic traits.

@Exibstudent I think the biggest crossover for me is I suffer with hypervigilence. That is part of my autism generally, but it's really my worst PTSD symptom. Other than that, I couldn't really say. I'm still at very early stages with both "issues" to be honest. I've got my first therapy assessment for the PTSD tomorrow with a psychologist chosen by my psychiatrist as someone who can deliver therapy appropriately for PTSD to an autistic individual. I think also in my case it's to do with a very specific issue with my daughter so I'm probably not much help to you unfortunately! [Flowers]

I found this thread last night and spent ages reading, only just got up the courage to post now though.

I’m not diagnosed but have 2 autistic teens (diagnosed at 6 and at 13) and score highly on the various tests I have done. I keep thinking about assessment but don’t quite know how to get started and then my mind goes round in circles. I don’t live in the UK (although am British) and the advice in this country seems a bit conflicting (whether to ask your GP or go private).

I did actually once get up the courage to go to my GP (as was also feeling on an emotional rollercoaster, constantly tired and burnt out) but prepared a sheet beforehand with everything I could think of (I can’t ‘do’ official things otherwise). I listed both physical and mental but the Dr only really focused on the physical. Did a blood test (came back normal) and just focused on the fact that I was about 10kg overweight.

I really resonate with a lot of the posts here. (😂 at Shrug. Love Still Game. This is me too, in fact, we often eat supper with some music on or the telly because it distracts from the sound of chewing and cutlery on plates. The sound of DH and DD cutting something is like nails down a blackboard 😣)

When I had my autism assessment I mentioned my childhood trauma and said I didn't know whether it was that or ND that was creating anxiety/difficulty with relationships etc, they had no problem unpicking it all and diagnosing autism/ADHD so I think a good assessor would be able to help you.

I have c-PTSD. I didn't my autism assessment first, I am very good at compartmentalising but when I then spoke to a psychiatrist about potential PTSD one of the things she asked I replied with 'yes but I don't know if that could be PTSD or just autism' - she responded with 'it can be both' which absolutely opened my eyes. I kept things so separated and some of the PTSD things, in particular hyper vigilance, I did think were just autism. I had no idea that things were not as clear cut as one or the other, but the psychiatrist was excellent and working it all out.

I DID my autism assessment first

I have since been diagnosed with ADHD as well. The amount of 'crossover' symptoms is surprising but the experts really do know what they are looking for.

Thankfully not. I had to get a digital clock because the constant ticking was too loud.

You can buy silent wall clocks as opposed to digital ones.

It's occurred to me I may need to change my name to use this thread to its fullest as I will def be posting identifying stuff. So I am going to bow out now and pop up later as someone else. Maybe you can figure out who, maybe not. 😉