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Original poster

Realities of life without a car?

254 replies

FeetOnly · 29/03/2023 20:13

DH wants to give up the car. We live in a small village with a small supermarket with post office counter. Bus runs twice an hour (not every 30 mins) except at 10 and 3 when it's once an hour.

Currently I use the car twice a week - shopping and DC activity delivery when DH wfh. DC would still be late for activity if the bus is on time and the connection connects. Once a week for a club taxi.
We use the car at weekends to go on day trips. To go stand up paddling etc. Also to go on holiday.

DH reckons we can do all this by bus/train. [I personally don't see how we can transport e.g. four paddle boards, pumps, picnic etc.] Occasionally rent a car if need be.

He asked me today what plans I would have for the shopping. I said a weekly online shop. He does not want me to do this, says we will waste too much food and it's better to go every couple of days. On the scooter he is planning to use to go to work unless the weather is too bad for him to take it Hmm So he's clearly expecting me to go into town and do the shopping by bus/shopping trolley. Now he's annoyed with me for not being on board with saving the environment and says we should keep the car. Of course that means if anything goes wrong with it and any repairs need doing it will be my fault for not selling it.

-I will admit I did all shopping by bus before Covid and him being allowed to wfh.
-I did all DC activities by bus.
-He moaned constantly about the bus/train commute the first year he was working and didn't yet have a parking space.
-He freaked out about Covid and made me cancel all the DC's activities even once everything was up and running again and I wasn't allowed to take the DC's on the bus until about a year ago. He still won't go e.g. to a cinema or swimming pool or let me take them there.

What is life like without a car?

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 02/04/2023 06:17

He sounds like a paranoid and controlling bully.

Keep the car, chuck the man.

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/04/2023 07:31

Op, you seem to be in deep denial about your H. You are ignoring every poster that tells you he's controlling.

This is not normal. Him not letting you do an online shop is extremely telling that this is about control.

Just say no, it's not happening, the car stays.

He won't even trial picking up your daughter.

Please see this for what it is.

SusiePevensie · 04/04/2023 13:07

I am very anti car. Love LTNs, think fuel duty should be massively higher, would happily confiscate cars after one speeding offence, would impose massive fines on people who pave over their driveway. The whole caboodle.

In your circs, I'd keep the car. You are being put in an impossible position. You can't live rurally, not do online shopping, manage everything for two kids, one with additional needs and not drive.

Original poster
FeetOnly · 04/04/2023 13:21

@SquishyGloopyBum not really, but there's not a lot I can do about that right now.

He has conceded an online shop might be necessary. The last discussion ended with me saying he needs at least to try it out for a week before he decides. Plus there was a problem with the trains last Friday and massive delays and cancellations which I think gave him pause for thought.

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 04/04/2023 14:07

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to try it all to see how it works out, ideally for a month though not just a week. Will it work out in January when the weather is awful dcs will be getting the bus in the dark etc?

im generally quite anti-car but concede that cars are necessary for many kids activities and also specialist stuff like paddleboarding where lots of kit is required.

you could still just keep the car and resolve to do far more on foot/by bike. This will save quite a lot of money on petrol and get you all fitter.

MyriadOfTravels · 04/04/2023 16:54

StillWantingADog · 04/04/2023 14:07

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to try it all to see how it works out, ideally for a month though not just a week. Will it work out in January when the weather is awful dcs will be getting the bus in the dark etc?

im generally quite anti-car but concede that cars are necessary for many kids activities and also specialist stuff like paddleboarding where lots of kit is required.

you could still just keep the car and resolve to do far more on foot/by bike. This will save quite a lot of money on petrol and get you all fitter.

Yes but you have to put two caveats there first

  • 1 it’s her DH that has to sort out the hols, weekends, shopping, his dc going to her activity in safe ways etc… HE needs to do it himself, not expect things to happen and then lay back whilst the OP is exerting herself trying to achieve what he wanted
  • 2 he doesn’t get to tell her what she can or can’t do when he isn’t the one to do said things. If she wants to do her shopping in the Internet, she should be able to, seeing that she is the one to do it. If he doesn’t want to, the he is doing the shopping.
Too easy to have high expectations but never doing any if the hard work to acheive them.
Original poster
FeetOnly · 06/04/2023 16:04

About to find out if he's talking to us again. Yesterday evening he left the table and ignored us all evening as we "don't care about him". Also didn't say goodbye to me or the Dc this morning. Yesterday on way home from work, apparently someone nearly forced him off the road and the decision "could have been taken out of our hands." As no one immediately jumped to say "let's sell the car" none of us care about him Hmm Could be a long weekend. Although we are supposed to see MIL and she's not on board with the idea of us getting rid of the car!

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 06/04/2023 16:33

It would be possible to live without a car, or at least hiring one for holidays and not having one for the rest of the year.

The issues you face OP seem much deeper than that.

MyriadOfTravels · 06/04/2023 16:43

Oh I’m sorry @FeetOnly
He seems most put out that no one is simply bowing to his highest decisions.

I mean silent treatment and sulking towards you us crap. But his dcs??

Desperatelywantinganother · 06/04/2023 18:09

His scare tactic scenario doesn’t even make sense. If he had a car accident, that wouldn’t mean you couldn’t have a family car? It might mean getting a replacement car and even that he would be unable to drive it due to injury or death but it would absolutely not mean the family would have to give up using a car.

liveforsummer · 06/04/2023 18:16

I live walking distance to a major city centre with good bus service and still could not survive without the car. I mean I did for a time but it was awful. I simply couldn't get to work/school pick up/activities on time using the bus. An absolute pain if you need to nip out for milk etc. carting heavy bags on and off busses then staggering home is miserable and he's expecting you to do this every few days. It would be a big fat no from me. Id also not entertain him banning dc from swimming - that's crazy and unfair

Pixiedust1234 · 06/04/2023 18:20

Giving the silent treatment to you and the children is a classic abuse tactic.

Every.single.thing he is doing is classic abuse. Controlling and manipulative. If you don't believe any of us then go onto the women's aid website. Or Relates. Or citizens advice. Or your local council. Or the government's website. Or age concern. You getting it yet? Please wake up.

JimmyDurham · 06/04/2023 18:34

CalistoNoSolo · 29/03/2023 20:43

How can you stand him? Keep the car, dump the husband.

This.

Wallywobbles · 09/04/2023 05:07

Having a partner who makes everything in life more complicated is just a PIA. I couldn't be dealing with your totally shit DH.

redmapleleaves1 · 09/04/2023 17:04

I haven't rtft but completely agree with others this man is using classic abuse tactics. Please don't give up the car.

As the young people get older, my experience of parenting became a lot of picking them up from random places (parties, friends houses, football fixtures), not the standard swimming lesson or wherever. We are in a small town on the edge of rural areas, and it would have been impossible without a car. Parenting, and childrens need, change.

Lcb123 · 09/04/2023 17:11

I’ve never had my own car but always lived in big towns and in London, so never needed one. I can’t see how it will work in your case

Original poster
FeetOnly · 11/04/2023 16:56

IL's think he's daft to get rid of the car, say we should keep it and he can still go to work by train if he wants.

He's still barely talking to me (except in front of his parents Hmm ) and has made a show of coming home today and handing me his car keys and telling me to change the insurance. He also didn't spout any ecological and it's better for the Dc to grow up without a car bollocks in front of his parents. He gave them other reasons.

It seems he wanted us to give up the car (for ecological reasons) and use the money to pay for a holiday the other side of the world.... so now its my fault we can't go on holiday next year.

OP posts:
Maple2023 · 11/04/2023 17:07

What's he actually bringing to you? I mean it sounds awful TBH and your life would be much nicer surely without him?

Pollydolly13 · 11/04/2023 17:15

If you moved to town fine it would work. My parents didn’t have a car for a while while I was growing up. It was a nightmare. School trips having to rely on friends for the early drop offs/pick ups. I can think if school things where my mum couldn’t attend because she didn’t have a car. Even though everyone else’s parents were there. I had to give up a club I enjoyed because it was to far to walk. Don’t do it. I live rurally and buses often don’t turn up or get cancelled.

user1471556818 · 11/04/2023 17:35

No car absolutely fine if you live in a city with great transport links
Rubbish if you are rural so it would be an absolute no chance giving up the car from me

midgemadgemodge · 11/04/2023 17:37

Would you save money if you replaced all car journeys with bus train taxi ?!?

Crunchymum · 11/04/2023 18:11

The car issue is the least of your worries. Your husband is horrible. He sounds petty, petulant, controlling and seems to like to blame you for everything @FeetOnly

Worryingly you don't seem to see any if this as a red flag 🤔

NeverDropYourMooncup · 11/04/2023 18:16

So he wants you to

Not speak to anybody else
Not be seen by anybody else
Have total control over what shopping you get (and thereby control your income)
Will know if you do actually leave the house exactly where you will be and when you will be back (bus tracking apps and timetables)
Be in a position where you're less likely to go out or stay out for long, due to the huge gaps in bus service
Ensure you pretty much never leave the house in the evenings (as an hour wait in the rain minimum is nobody's idea of fun)
Control where, when and who your child sees

Has already confined you and the DC to the house for years under the pretext of Covid

Is now lying about why he wants to take your independence/freedom/means of escape away from you and making histrionic declarations of how you don't love him, you're stealing a huge holiday that would never happen from everybody and presenting you with the keys.

Come on, OP, put it all together. He wants you where he can monitor and control you completely.

This is a million (or at least 250) miles away from somebody like me not having a car because there are nine bus stops each side with 12 separate services connecting to about 27 others in 1-2 miles either way of the house, five major train stations within 1.5 miles and the longest we ever have to wait for a bus is 11-14 minutes until the Night service kicks in with a bus every 20 on three separate routes.

Iwantthepenthouse · 11/04/2023 18:31

FeetOnly · 11/04/2023 16:56

IL's think he's daft to get rid of the car, say we should keep it and he can still go to work by train if he wants.

He's still barely talking to me (except in front of his parents Hmm ) and has made a show of coming home today and handing me his car keys and telling me to change the insurance. He also didn't spout any ecological and it's better for the Dc to grow up without a car bollocks in front of his parents. He gave them other reasons.

It seems he wanted us to give up the car (for ecological reasons) and use the money to pay for a holiday the other side of the world.... so now its my fault we can't go on holiday next year.

I beg you to please stop focusing on the car. It's not about the car!

He's controlling, emotionally abusive, he's isolating you and punishing you for not jumping to his orders.

I'm sorry if that seems harsh but you need to step back and see what's happening here.

Londre · 11/04/2023 20:54

I can remember before I had a licence, my life was a nightmare getting around! My closest friend lived in another town (neither of us could drive!) - in the car would be 15 minutes however 75 minutes by public transport! Would never live without a car again unless I lived in a city