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Original poster

Realities of life without a car?

254 replies

FeetOnly · 29/03/2023 20:13

DH wants to give up the car. We live in a small village with a small supermarket with post office counter. Bus runs twice an hour (not every 30 mins) except at 10 and 3 when it's once an hour.

Currently I use the car twice a week - shopping and DC activity delivery when DH wfh. DC would still be late for activity if the bus is on time and the connection connects. Once a week for a club taxi.
We use the car at weekends to go on day trips. To go stand up paddling etc. Also to go on holiday.

DH reckons we can do all this by bus/train. [I personally don't see how we can transport e.g. four paddle boards, pumps, picnic etc.] Occasionally rent a car if need be.

He asked me today what plans I would have for the shopping. I said a weekly online shop. He does not want me to do this, says we will waste too much food and it's better to go every couple of days. On the scooter he is planning to use to go to work unless the weather is too bad for him to take it Hmm So he's clearly expecting me to go into town and do the shopping by bus/shopping trolley. Now he's annoyed with me for not being on board with saving the environment and says we should keep the car. Of course that means if anything goes wrong with it and any repairs need doing it will be my fault for not selling it.

-I will admit I did all shopping by bus before Covid and him being allowed to wfh.
-I did all DC activities by bus.
-He moaned constantly about the bus/train commute the first year he was working and didn't yet have a parking space.
-He freaked out about Covid and made me cancel all the DC's activities even once everything was up and running again and I wasn't allowed to take the DC's on the bus until about a year ago. He still won't go e.g. to a cinema or swimming pool or let me take them there.

What is life like without a car?

OP posts:
Butteryflakycrust83 · 30/03/2023 11:02

I am always the first to pipe up about how its fine to live without a car - I have never had one, dont drive, we manage as a family fine but.....we live in a city!

In a village? No. You need a car. Sorry. What about god forbid you need to get to a hospital etc?

I also dont like the fact hes also listing terms and conditions for not having a car e.g no internet shop.

Hard no from me.

xogossipgirlxo · 30/03/2023 11:06

Where I live, it's impossible to get anywhere without car except GP and local shop. Buses come and go as they want, always late or cancelled. It took me 3 hours to get to work, while I drive 30 min there. Can't imagine not having a car. We only have 1 for 2 working people and there's already lots of logistic problems.

Smoky1107 · 30/03/2023 11:18

I wouldn't give up the car, your children's needs will change and things you don't think about will suddenly become an issue. We live in a village working a fantastic rail service to London, but I've been without a car for two weeks and feel so limited! Can't wait for its return today

Pixiedust1234 · 30/03/2023 11:22

its not about the car, its about how far he can push you.

What else does he "make" you do that you don't agree with but still do it because otherwise he makes your life (or dcs life, therefore your life too) uncomfortable?

Aphrathestorm · 30/03/2023 11:24

Controlling man alert

rookiemere · 30/03/2023 11:27

Your comment about not wanting to lose your driving ability resonates with me as well.

I'm not a particularly keen motorist and I feel it would be all to easy for me to stop, given half the chance.

We have two cars at the moment, mainly because although we do live somewhere with pretty good public transport, my DPs live about a 50 minute drive away, which would be more like two hours using public transport. My friend has DPs in the same location- she passed her driving test but never drove for 30 years due to living in London. She gets the train and taxis and says it's a real pain, particularly during covid when she desperately did not want to infect her elderly vulnerable DPs.

SusiePevensie · 30/03/2023 11:34

Completely fine in city or even town. Tricky rurally, but it sounds like you have deeper problems. He won't let you take the kids swimming? Wtaf?

TheHouseNextDoor · 30/03/2023 11:46

I lost my licence and my experience of not having access to the car was downright miserable - and I live in London zone 4.

Everything just took 3 times as long. Bloody awful.

This sounds like the lease of your worries though OP.

Dozycuntlaters · 30/03/2023 12:07

So what will your DH's reaction be when you tell him the car is staying? Will he accept that or will he just say he's not paying anything towards it and you will have to stump up?

Comedycook · 30/03/2023 12:30

Just reread the original post and the more I think about it, the worse it appears ... seriously he sounds really controlling. I'd worry that be not having a car you'd end up isolated. It must be awful to have a husband who doesn't let you take your kids to certain places and tries to dictate how you do the food shopping. I hope you're ok. Don't give up your car...sounds like you need it for your own freedom.

DuckyShincracker · 30/03/2023 12:34

If you loose the car you & the DC's will be losing a huge chunk of freedom. Your post worried me a bit and I wondered if it would do you good to have a chat with a women's aid counsellor just to give you a bit of perspective?

FrillyGoatFluff · 30/03/2023 12:42

Just done six months without my car after having a seizure. Have 1year old and two teenagers (one just started driving), and driving DH, we live in a large village, well connected, with lots of amenities.

It's absolutely fucking shit. Don't do it.

ImpossibleDrear · 30/03/2023 12:44

He isn't being realistic, sorry.

Renting a car is much more expensive and inconvenient than you would think - we lived like this for a couple of years when we had no children and lived in a city, and renting a car was a huge faff. Getting to the rental place with the kids and all the clobber is just one hurdle I can think of.

It is a very worthy goal, to use public transport for everything. But not at all realistic in your situation. There might be other environmental measures you could suggest in preference - move to a green tarrif, for instance.

It isn't your fault that the public transport system isn't fit for purpose for families.

somethingsdifferent · 30/03/2023 12:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

limitedperiodonly · 30/03/2023 14:12

Other people have said what I'm going to say but just adding my twopenn'orth.

My life is easier than when I had a car. Cheaper and actually more convenient - we drove so infrequently we'd often forget where we'd parked (street-only parking with a charge for a residents' permit).

I don't understand why so many of my neighbours have cars. I wouldn't stop them, but if you are able-bodied and don't have to ferry kids about, everything you want - shops, swimming pool, restaurants, cinema etc is in easy walking distance and if you want to go further, public transport is so good. My non-driver mum was an hour's tube ride away and her public transport and local facilities were also good though she usually came to us because there's a bit more to do here.

A couple of times a year we hire a car to go to my MIL's. She lives in a rural town, but it's an hour by bus to her house from the nearest main station so we treat ourselves to a nice car to make the three-hour journey.

But your life is going to be much worse without a car and you're the one who's going to be making all the sacrifices. Don't do it.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/03/2023 15:10

Keep the car otherwise your life will become even more Joyless than it is now

reelcat · 30/03/2023 18:23

Don't do it! For all the reasons already mentioned. Your husband is living in cloud cuckoo land

Original poster
FeetOnly · 30/03/2023 21:25

Breaking news! We have a year's reprieve 🥳

Car came back from service with no issues.

I couldn't speak to DD's coach, but she could probably travel with just her clothing and borrow the rest of the kit. One of the other girls does this now that she goes by bus.

Tonight, DD would have missed the bus home as her coach gave her an impromptu private lesson after the training session. That would mean she would have had an hour's wait at the main station, which shocked DH.

He has actually looked up the train times for his three favourite day trips...and figured that whilst DS would cope, DD wouldn't, especially on the way back.

OP posts:
Riverlee · 30/03/2023 22:46

Yippee!

why don’t you keep a log of every time you use it, (even if only for a month) and the (unsuitable) alternatives, so you have evidence how useful the car is in a years time.

Hopefully he’ll have abandoned the idea by then!

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/03/2023 23:32

I'm glad he's seen sense!

bignope · 31/03/2023 07:57

@FeetOnly I'm pleased the car issue is resolved for now. I do think it's worth looking at how much control he is exerting on you and the family now though.

It's doesn't sound healthy and I'm worried that the rest of you don't seem to have a valid voice and are just dependent on his whims and declarations.

Is that how it feels for you?

Squamata · 31/03/2023 08:13

Your dh does sound controlling and overly anxious.

I'm all for reducing car usage but in a village, everything is designed around them unless you're lucky to live in a village close to a city with great transport links.

Reduce usage - sure. Get a greener, smaller, more eco car - sure. Get ebikes to do some trips - sure. Cut yourself off from the world for the sake of it - nope.

DDivaStar · 31/03/2023 08:35

The main point is he will still have transport when he wants it, you won't. You will also be expected to manage the shopping and ds without transport. Its you making all the sacrifices not him.

THisbackwithavengeance · 31/03/2023 09:07

You lost me when you said DH won't do online supermarket shopping.

Why on earth not????

He's very controlling isn't he?

I wouldn't give up my car and I am in walking distance of 3 supermarkets, a train station and a fantastic bus route with busses every 5-10 minutes. But dragging bags of shopping on a bus in the pissing rain and freezing winter? Nah.

NerrSnerr · 31/03/2023 09:10

I'm pleased you've sorted the cause issues but you know need to sort the husband issues.

You need to get some control back? Why does he get to choose whether you have a car, go swimming or how you do your shopping?