Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Realities of life without a car?

254 replies

FeetOnly · 29/03/2023 20:13

DH wants to give up the car. We live in a small village with a small supermarket with post office counter. Bus runs twice an hour (not every 30 mins) except at 10 and 3 when it's once an hour.

Currently I use the car twice a week - shopping and DC activity delivery when DH wfh. DC would still be late for activity if the bus is on time and the connection connects. Once a week for a club taxi.
We use the car at weekends to go on day trips. To go stand up paddling etc. Also to go on holiday.

DH reckons we can do all this by bus/train. [I personally don't see how we can transport e.g. four paddle boards, pumps, picnic etc.] Occasionally rent a car if need be.

He asked me today what plans I would have for the shopping. I said a weekly online shop. He does not want me to do this, says we will waste too much food and it's better to go every couple of days. On the scooter he is planning to use to go to work unless the weather is too bad for him to take it Hmm So he's clearly expecting me to go into town and do the shopping by bus/shopping trolley. Now he's annoyed with me for not being on board with saving the environment and says we should keep the car. Of course that means if anything goes wrong with it and any repairs need doing it will be my fault for not selling it.

-I will admit I did all shopping by bus before Covid and him being allowed to wfh.
-I did all DC activities by bus.
-He moaned constantly about the bus/train commute the first year he was working and didn't yet have a parking space.
-He freaked out about Covid and made me cancel all the DC's activities even once everything was up and running again and I wasn't allowed to take the DC's on the bus until about a year ago. He still won't go e.g. to a cinema or swimming pool or let me take them there.

What is life like without a car?

OP posts:
plugin12 · 31/03/2023 09:22

What is with all the "he won't let me ..." Confused sorry is he your husband or are you 5 years old and he is your dad , grow up and don't be a doormat.

Original poster
FeetOnly · 31/03/2023 09:49

Or not 😩 He's just called to say he thinks he could rearrange his wfh days so he can pick DD up from her activity and bring her home on the bus, eat a sandwich with her on the way home so she wouldn't "lose" any time as she'll have already eaten when she gets in. That it wouldn't be a bad thing to be able to chat with her twice a week. Which sounds good and all that, but frankly, I don't believe he will stick with it. He never did with nursery or drop offs when I tried to work. I suggested he try it out next week. He won't.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 31/03/2023 09:53

Just tell him OP, the car has passed its MOT so this topic is not up for discussion for at least the next 12 months.

Maybes worth considering if you get a huge repair bill, but at the minute the car is reasonably cost neutral apart from running costs.

Desperatelywantinganother · 31/03/2023 09:55

Tell him he’s welcome to live a car-free life but you are going to keep using the car for awkward drop off/pick up times/ moving heavy and awkward things like shopping and paddleboards and emergencies.

NerrSnerr · 31/03/2023 09:57

Just tell him no. Tell him you would like to keep the car.

He is supposed to be your husband, not your boss.

bignope · 31/03/2023 10:31

FeetOnly · 31/03/2023 09:49

Or not 😩 He's just called to say he thinks he could rearrange his wfh days so he can pick DD up from her activity and bring her home on the bus, eat a sandwich with her on the way home so she wouldn't "lose" any time as she'll have already eaten when she gets in. That it wouldn't be a bad thing to be able to chat with her twice a week. Which sounds good and all that, but frankly, I don't believe he will stick with it. He never did with nursery or drop offs when I tried to work. I suggested he try it out next week. He won't.

Just stop helping him make yours and your children's lives smaller and more difficult.

You're an adult, it is your choice to run a car. He does not get to decide for you. You have bigger issues here.

honeylulu · 31/03/2023 10:45

In a small village, no I wouldn't be without a car if I could help it especially with children's activities to manage. I live in a big town with good transport and get shopping delivered. Right next to local station (commute to london 2-3 times a week) and 15 mins walk from main town centre but I'd hate to not have my car as well. It would be possible but if have to give up my two evening dance classes. Would also lose an hour a day walking to childminder and back - it would be good exercise for me/us but those are hours I really don't have as i often work a 50 hour week. Would also lose hours from precious weekend hauling youngest across town for swimming and ballet lessons and 11+ tuition and hanging around waiting outside. At the moment i can drop off and then run errands or nip home to do housework before picking up again. Wouldn't be able to do a tip run. Wouldn't be able to pop to my friend for the evening. Wouldn't be able to get to my hospital appointments in another town without taking a full day off work. Just Say No.

ehb102 · 31/03/2023 10:51

We live in an "accessible rural area" which means a village on the edge of a city that is spreading out to meet it. The lifestyle cost of not having a car is bigger the less fita nd healthy you are. I am a slow walker so having to walk everywhere took loads of my time. I did it deliberately as a test for environmental reasons. Swapping car for bicycle is better, swapping car for mobility scooter works reasonably well although I don't use one when I'm well enough not to.

The time sink is huge when you don't have a car and you aren't in a concentrated urban area.

roselune · 31/03/2023 10:53

I've never had a car but have also always lived in cities. I wouldn't do it in your situation.

Pixiedust1234 · 31/03/2023 11:05

FeetOnly · 31/03/2023 09:49

Or not 😩 He's just called to say he thinks he could rearrange his wfh days so he can pick DD up from her activity and bring her home on the bus, eat a sandwich with her on the way home so she wouldn't "lose" any time as she'll have already eaten when she gets in. That it wouldn't be a bad thing to be able to chat with her twice a week. Which sounds good and all that, but frankly, I don't believe he will stick with it. He never did with nursery or drop offs when I tried to work. I suggested he try it out next week. He won't.

Fuck me. Hes very controlling isn't he! Just say no, the car is staying. Its easier for you, its easier for the kids and he can keep/use his scooter. He never needs to touch the car (and then hide the keys). Let him cope with life for the entire year without him sitting in it once, either as driver or passenger. Any holidays or days out or adviser's weather he gets the train /bus with his luggage while you and kids take the car. He needs to see and feel the reality.

Pixiedust1234 · 31/03/2023 11:07

adverse, not adviser....although the weathermen are advisers who tell us to watch out for adverse weather conditions. Maybe autocorrect is cleverer than we think...(not).

Wellillsayitifnooneelsewill · 31/03/2023 12:36

Oh for gods sake! This is clearly not something you want so grow a backbone put your foot down and tell him under no circumstances are you giving up the car!

emptythelitterbox · 31/03/2023 12:41

Do you work OP?
Whose idea was the small village?

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/03/2023 12:50

I did for a few years until recently (commuted by train, got all shopping delivered), and it was fine - I rented a car when I needed one. But rental costs have gone through the roof these days, and now I work in an office again so I bought a new car. In your situation I wouldn’t be giving up the car, no way.

Original poster
FeetOnly · 31/03/2023 13:35

@emptythelitterbox No, I don't. DS has Sn and can't go to ASC (inc. lunch). I've come to the conclusion I could do 40%, but it's almost impossible to find something that I would be qualified for and that is part time and close by.

DD would be out the house 5pm -830 twice a week for a 90minute training session and 530-730 for 90 minute session and 530-830 for the 2 hour one.

And having called me this morning to suggest he collect her twice a week, but we can decide in July, he's now sending me messages saying "I" have to decide now, before the end of the day so that he can sort train travel for April.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 31/03/2023 13:48

So just reply " As we discussed earlier, we're keeping the car. Do not book a train pass."

And do try to find some way of earning income. This man is used to calling all the shots. If he decides to sell the car, I wouldn't be surprised if he just does it anyway, despite what you say.

NerrSnerr · 31/03/2023 14:09

Just tell him you need to keep the car.

Pixiedust1234 · 31/03/2023 14:15

he's now sending me messages saying "I" have to decide now

So make the decision that's right for you and the children...which is to keep the car. He can do whatever he pleases but the car stays.

There will come a time when the children get a social life. There's a reason why family cars have stickers saying "mum cab or dad taxi".

Spudlet · 31/03/2023 14:17

Bloody hell. The answer is ‘no’. He sounds like an absolutely controlling arsehole - he’s stopped you from working and now he wants to cut you off from transport too. Do you have any family support, or good friends? Honestly, you do sound at risk of financial abuse from this man.

Riverlee · 31/03/2023 14:35

He doesn’t have to decide. Tell him that you’ve made the decision, and you’re keeping the car!

BurntOutGirl · 31/03/2023 14:44

FeetOnly · 30/03/2023 07:44

Kids are 11 (DD) and 13DS(ASD). DH thinks they're old enough to be getting themselves to activities and back on the bus. I'm a bit less certain as I'm not happy about DD having to wait 20 mins alone at the main station for a connection nor waiting at the bus stop to come back as about 4 stops past one of her activities is the red light district. There would probably be others waiting but I can't guarantee there would always be someone there.

@NerrSnerr DD would always be at least 4 minutes late for her activity, unless she could switch to the later group. That would mean she'd only be home at 830pm though which is a bit late for her.

Competitions might be an issue. I had to leave at 530 last weekend to get her to one. We'd occasionally have to stay the night, I think. If they run late we might have difficulty getting home. She hasn't done enough for me to know for certain if that's a normal occurrence though.

I do drive the scooter, although I don't feel terribly safe on it. I refuse to take the DC on it as I don't think I could hold the weight.

I do have a bike, we all do. But we live up a large hill! One of DD's activities which she goes to twice a week requires a large kit bag, so bike and scooter not possible.
Walking is about 25 mins to the city bus network. 45 mins to the city centre.
I'm not a super confident driver and am, maybe somewhat stupidly, worried I might lose it if I never have the opportunity to keep practicing.
IL's have recently moved 10 mins away, so supposing they're not off travelling somewhere, they could potentially give a lift to doctors etc. Or I'd have to call a taxi.

So he's happy for them to use a bus... and being in close contact with others.... but not go to an air-conditioned cinema or chlorine filled swimming pool....

DO NOT give up your means of transport. Suggest he leads my example by not using the car and sorting out the big shopping via the bus.

BurntOutGirl · 31/03/2023 14:53

FeetOnly · 31/03/2023 13:35

@emptythelitterbox No, I don't. DS has Sn and can't go to ASC (inc. lunch). I've come to the conclusion I could do 40%, but it's almost impossible to find something that I would be qualified for and that is part time and close by.

DD would be out the house 5pm -830 twice a week for a 90minute training session and 530-730 for 90 minute session and 530-830 for the 2 hour one.

And having called me this morning to suggest he collect her twice a week, but we can decide in July, he's now sending me messages saying "I" have to decide now, before the end of the day so that he can sort train travel for April.

Let him sort train travel for April and see how he gets on with using the bus for work and transporting the DC to activities

Hide the car keys and scooter keys

Original poster
FeetOnly · 31/03/2023 15:55

I suggested again he spend a whole week travelling by train including picking DD up twice before he finally decides. He said no. He won't pay for the train whilst we have the car.
We have to keep it until the summer as we've planned and booked a road trip Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
FeetOnly · 31/03/2023 15:57

@BurntOutGirl yes. It doesn't make any sense. At all. He was so against us using the bus/train and now he wants us to use it all the time. He complains about all the people at DD's competitions (which is why he won't go to any) but I don't see why or how that would be any different than using a crowded train to get there!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 31/03/2023 16:25

@FeetOnly my DM has similar Covid (il) logic. Fine to go on buses and into crowded medical centres, but they would definitely catch covid if they went out for a meal ( she has some allergies so doesn't particularly enjoy eating out).
In her case she's in her 80s, so whilst it really distresses me to see DF missing out on things he enjoyed, I'm reluctant to push back too much.
But in your case stopping DCs from participating in activities they would enjoy this far down the line is madness.

Swipe left for the next trending thread