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Original poster

Realities of life without a car?

254 replies

FeetOnly · 29/03/2023 20:13

DH wants to give up the car. We live in a small village with a small supermarket with post office counter. Bus runs twice an hour (not every 30 mins) except at 10 and 3 when it's once an hour.

Currently I use the car twice a week - shopping and DC activity delivery when DH wfh. DC would still be late for activity if the bus is on time and the connection connects. Once a week for a club taxi.
We use the car at weekends to go on day trips. To go stand up paddling etc. Also to go on holiday.

DH reckons we can do all this by bus/train. [I personally don't see how we can transport e.g. four paddle boards, pumps, picnic etc.] Occasionally rent a car if need be.

He asked me today what plans I would have for the shopping. I said a weekly online shop. He does not want me to do this, says we will waste too much food and it's better to go every couple of days. On the scooter he is planning to use to go to work unless the weather is too bad for him to take it Hmm So he's clearly expecting me to go into town and do the shopping by bus/shopping trolley. Now he's annoyed with me for not being on board with saving the environment and says we should keep the car. Of course that means if anything goes wrong with it and any repairs need doing it will be my fault for not selling it.

-I will admit I did all shopping by bus before Covid and him being allowed to wfh.
-I did all DC activities by bus.
-He moaned constantly about the bus/train commute the first year he was working and didn't yet have a parking space.
-He freaked out about Covid and made me cancel all the DC's activities even once everything was up and running again and I wasn't allowed to take the DC's on the bus until about a year ago. He still won't go e.g. to a cinema or swimming pool or let me take them there.

What is life like without a car?

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 12/04/2023 02:24

OP are you starting to see this man is controlling and abusive?

SquishyGloopyBum · 12/04/2023 20:42

FeetOnly · 11/04/2023 16:56

IL's think he's daft to get rid of the car, say we should keep it and he can still go to work by train if he wants.

He's still barely talking to me (except in front of his parents Hmm ) and has made a show of coming home today and handing me his car keys and telling me to change the insurance. He also didn't spout any ecological and it's better for the Dc to grow up without a car bollocks in front of his parents. He gave them other reasons.

It seems he wanted us to give up the car (for ecological reasons) and use the money to pay for a holiday the other side of the world.... so now its my fault we can't go on holiday next year.

Call his bluff. Take him off the car insurance but you keep the car.

Don't be beholden to a holiday you didn't even know about. 1 holiday v regular days out with the kids. No brainer.

But please do see this for what it is. He's abusing you. You do need to face up to that.

Original poster
FeetOnly · 13/04/2023 06:50

Spoke to MIL yesterday and asked her if he'd said anything about being pulled over/fined/lost his license because he's being seemingly irrational about the whole thing. She said no, simply what he'd said at Easter about the road to the city where he works being too dangerous now. She wants to take Dc to the city today and I said I wasn't sure I should come as if DH knew I took the train he wouldn't be happy. She said that was nonsense, he knows what that road is like and how expensive parking in the city is, he wouldn't mind.

At 940pm he called me. From main station in the rain, he didn't realise that there's only one bus an hour after 8pm and could I collect him.... Figured it would make him feel more foolish if I did collect him. Seemed ok until

Told him a friend wants to go to cinema with her DC and me and mine on Friday in city where he works, we'd be back early evening. He asked if I was going to drive (along the road that is now too dangerous for him to drive) and said I was going to take the train with her. He told me I'm foolish for not wanting to drive, it was the whole point of me keeping the car and I'm going to damage it if I only drive short distances with it. And after a brief interlude, is mostly silent again.

I literally cannot deal with this.

OP posts:
ilovebagpuss · 13/04/2023 07:39

I would be asking myself what is life like witbout the miserable controlling husband.

Original poster
FeetOnly · 16/04/2023 11:15

The end of the first week with a yearly train ticket. He's ordered himself a skateboard and is planning to learn to use it to make the 10 minute walk from the station to his office shorter. I'm beginning to doubt his sanity.

OP posts:
Desperatelywantinganother · 16/04/2023 11:22

A skateboard? Really? Why wouldn’t he go with a scooter or fold up bike or something safer to use with no/less of a learning curve.

gogohmm · 16/04/2023 11:36

He sounds slightly unhinged. Very like my exh in fact who gets a bee in his bonnet about something and can't accept he's mistaken. (Yes think he has asd but no diagnosis back then, my dd has autism). Safety on certain roads was his thing (at least his health obsession has ended)

YukoandHiro · 16/04/2023 11:53

He genuinely sounds like he's having mental health issues.

Have you found a way to talk to him about that? Or maybe to his mum?

In the meantime just refuse to bend to his mad whims... he can do what he likes but he can't tell you how to live your own life.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/04/2023 11:55

Has he had his eyes tested recently? If he's not seeing clearly or has lost his peripheral vision but hasn't realised it's because he didn't see a huge lorry until it was nearly on top of him/had a series of very near misses, that could contribute towards feeling uncomfortable about driving. Is he or has he always been an adequate driver or more of a 'thank fuck we survived' one?

Not that I really give a shit, he's clearly not a pleasant person, you understand - but if he's developing glaucoma/cataracts/needs glasses (losing hearing can also be disorienting), it could go some way towards explaining some of his issues.

Original poster
FeetOnly · 16/04/2023 13:15

He has recently had an eye test and has an updated prescription. He's had glasses at least 14 years. He's always been a very good and safe driver, and even had extra training (above the normal driving test) for one of his jobs before I knew him. I'm a far more nervous driver than him!

He thought about a scooter but thinks he'd look daft on one.

I've spoken to his mum. They're planning on getting rid of their car soon, planning for getting old and were clearly expecting that if they needed something transported we would do it. Or if they need help I could get there quickly. So she is not amused.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 16/04/2023 13:17

He's worried about looking daft on a scooter, but not on a skateboard Grin!
He sounds unhinged.

Desperatelywantinganother · 16/04/2023 13:37

rookiemere · 16/04/2023 13:17

He's worried about looking daft on a scooter, but not on a skateboard Grin!
He sounds unhinged.

This

BurntOutGirl · 16/04/2023 16:15

FeetOnly · 16/04/2023 13:15

He has recently had an eye test and has an updated prescription. He's had glasses at least 14 years. He's always been a very good and safe driver, and even had extra training (above the normal driving test) for one of his jobs before I knew him. I'm a far more nervous driver than him!

He thought about a scooter but thinks he'd look daft on one.

I've spoken to his mum. They're planning on getting rid of their car soon, planning for getting old and were clearly expecting that if they needed something transported we would do it. Or if they need help I could get there quickly. So she is not amused.

How old are his parents? I wouldn't be very happy with them assuming you'll be at their beck and call either!!

rookiemere · 16/04/2023 17:12

@BurntOutGirl good question- seems there is a bit of a family trait of wanting to get rid of cars but expecting someone else to pick up the slack.

Original poster
FeetOnly · 17/05/2023 13:35

And he's on the topic again. Brought it up at the weekend. Now going on about it to the DC.

OP posts:
SquishyGloopyBum · 17/05/2023 20:11

Oh dear. What are you going to do op? Can you just say no? Have you thought about the posters who have said this is about control of you?

Has he even tried being without his car properly yet?

HeidiWhole · 18/05/2023 09:08

Sorry you're still dealing with this. What an arse.
After reading your last message...could you enlist his mum's help?

Original poster
FeetOnly · 18/05/2023 10:24

@SquishyGloopyBum I think I'm going to have to cave. Any time there's any discussion on money or holidays it's my fault we're keeping the car. He's told the Dc they can't go on holiday because of me. If there is ever going to be a bill for some reason, I'll never hear the end of it.

He hasn't driven it since he said he wouldn't use it. Although he's been e.g. to his parents with me driving. He's still in the proving he can happily survive without stage.

I went on the train with him the other day and it was quite comical how he was desperately trying not to touch anything. Hands in the air, swaying down the steps. Almost missed our bus stop as he was assuming someone else would press the button so he wouldn't have to touch it.

OP posts:
AlecTrevelyan006 · 18/05/2023 10:31

Your husband is bonkers

SquishyGloopyBum · 18/05/2023 10:39

Op, you do know you don't have to live like this?

It's worrying you think you will have to cafe. Please don't. It's going to make your life exceptionally hard. First the car will go, then he'll fixate on the next thing.

Don't let him blame you in front of the kids either. It's completely normal to have a car. It's setting a very poor example to them that you get blamed for everything - is this what you want your children to see? Grow up thinking it's ok?

I think you need support in this. You can't see the wood for the trees.

This is about control. You need to start thinking about leaving him.

Desperatelywantinganother · 18/05/2023 12:17

The kids would hate it without a car. They’d have to take the bus all the time. And now is the easiest time of year to be taking public transport late in the evening. It’s much more depressing in November when it’s dark by 5pm and cold.

HeidiWhole · 18/05/2023 12:18

I agree with PP...I think the car issue is masking the real problem here.
OP if it's going to make your lives difficult in terms of mobility please don't give up the car and think about how your life would be without the H.

ChickenRat · 18/05/2023 12:38

Having lived rurally for several years unable to drive I really wouldn't recommend it.

Passing my driving test six months ago seriously changed my life for the better.

Don't do it.

Spudlet · 18/05/2023 12:40

Why is he even travelling in the car with you? Next time you drive anywhere, if he wants to go too he can take public transport and meet you there. See who arrives quickest and in the least stressed state.

The fact is though that this man is ill, abusive, or both and you need help.

NerrSnerr · 18/05/2023 13:26

I think I'm going to have to cave. Any time there's any discussion on money or holidays it's my fault we're keeping the car. He's told the Dc they can't go on holiday because of me. If there is ever going to be a bill for some reason, I'll never hear the end of it.

Why on earth are you staying married to this man? Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life. Go it alone (with the car) and you'll have a simpler life.

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