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Original poster

Realities of life without a car?

254 replies

FeetOnly · 29/03/2023 20:13

DH wants to give up the car. We live in a small village with a small supermarket with post office counter. Bus runs twice an hour (not every 30 mins) except at 10 and 3 when it's once an hour.

Currently I use the car twice a week - shopping and DC activity delivery when DH wfh. DC would still be late for activity if the bus is on time and the connection connects. Once a week for a club taxi.
We use the car at weekends to go on day trips. To go stand up paddling etc. Also to go on holiday.

DH reckons we can do all this by bus/train. [I personally don't see how we can transport e.g. four paddle boards, pumps, picnic etc.] Occasionally rent a car if need be.

He asked me today what plans I would have for the shopping. I said a weekly online shop. He does not want me to do this, says we will waste too much food and it's better to go every couple of days. On the scooter he is planning to use to go to work unless the weather is too bad for him to take it Hmm So he's clearly expecting me to go into town and do the shopping by bus/shopping trolley. Now he's annoyed with me for not being on board with saving the environment and says we should keep the car. Of course that means if anything goes wrong with it and any repairs need doing it will be my fault for not selling it.

-I will admit I did all shopping by bus before Covid and him being allowed to wfh.
-I did all DC activities by bus.
-He moaned constantly about the bus/train commute the first year he was working and didn't yet have a parking space.
-He freaked out about Covid and made me cancel all the DC's activities even once everything was up and running again and I wasn't allowed to take the DC's on the bus until about a year ago. He still won't go e.g. to a cinema or swimming pool or let me take them there.

What is life like without a car?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 31/03/2023 16:33

He told you to decide. Excellent. Tell him your decision is to keep the car.

Original poster
FeetOnly · 31/03/2023 16:40

I've just realised taking and picking up DD from her activity (that he says she should take the bus to, and his plan is to collect her on the way home from work) is pretty much the only time I speak to other adults except DH and MIL!! I'm seriously debating signing myself up to a language conversation course during the morning just to get out of the house and meet some adults! It's expensive though.

OP posts:
Whatthediddlyfeck · 31/03/2023 16:44

FeetOnly · 31/03/2023 09:49

Or not 😩 He's just called to say he thinks he could rearrange his wfh days so he can pick DD up from her activity and bring her home on the bus, eat a sandwich with her on the way home so she wouldn't "lose" any time as she'll have already eaten when she gets in. That it wouldn't be a bad thing to be able to chat with her twice a week. Which sounds good and all that, but frankly, I don't believe he will stick with it. He never did with nursery or drop offs when I tried to work. I suggested he try it out next week. He won't.

Why haven’t you told him to fuck off?

Theeyeballsinthesky · 31/03/2023 16:53

OP every update is more worrying

you don’t work
he doesn’t ‘allow’ you to take the children swimming or the cinema
his word is law & he dangles opportunities in front of you only to take them away
rushes and pressures you into making decisions to ensure that you make the ones he wants
the only adults you speak to are your DH & MIL

It sounds as if he’s deliberately controlling and limiting your world - taking the car away while ensuring he retains easy transport fir him is just another brick in the wall he seems to be building to isolate you from the world

Comedycook · 31/03/2023 17:00

He was so against us using the bus/train and now he wants us to use it all the time

It doesn't matter what the thing is ..it's just a means of controlling you. Sorry op, he sounds abusive to me.

ImpossibleDrear · 31/03/2023 17:43

If he's said YOU need to decide then decide! decide to keep the car and tell him to suck it up.

Pixiedust1234 · 31/03/2023 18:21

Hes making your world smaller and more difficult. There's a word for that. Please talk to womens aid to get a clearer idea of what he is doing. This is no longer about the car and that is why you don't understand his reasoning. I repeat, this is NOT about the car.

Whichnumbers · 31/03/2023 18:26

I could live without a car but not with your moaning husband

Wellillsayitifnooneelsewill · 31/03/2023 18:27

FeetOnly · 31/03/2023 16:40

I've just realised taking and picking up DD from her activity (that he says she should take the bus to, and his plan is to collect her on the way home from work) is pretty much the only time I speak to other adults except DH and MIL!! I'm seriously debating signing myself up to a language conversation course during the morning just to get out of the house and meet some adults! It's expensive though.

Why don’t you seriously debate ditching your control freak husband instead

honest to god have you realised reading your posts back what an absolute dick he is?

UsernameMcUsername · 31/03/2023 18:31

MN can go into Leave The Bastard mode a bit too quickly sometimes, but I'm actually Team LTB this time. The Covid stuff alone would have had me running for the hills.

Mojoj · 31/03/2023 18:35

What do you mean "I wasn't allowed....". Who died and made him boss? You do what works for you and your kids!

priceslicepizza · 31/03/2023 18:36

He's a total prat! And who put him in charge? Dump

StillWantingADog · 31/03/2023 18:39

I’m all for giving up cars but your dh is being a total idiot here

He asked me today what plans I would have for the shopping. I said a weekly online shop. He does not want me to do this, says we will waste too much food and it's better to go every couple of days

that is literally crazy. We do a weekly shop and it’s totally fine. And waste almost nothing. Occasionally pick up one or two things midweek.

Commonsensitivity · 31/03/2023 18:41

He's mad.

EllieQ · 31/03/2023 18:42

I was going to post about how we only manage without a car as we live in a city and are members of a car club, until I read all your posts.

It’s not about the car. That’s just one more thing to control you with. He’s leaving you trapped at home, not working, not speaking to anyone. It’s very disturbing.

CountryParsonPetal · 31/03/2023 19:28

I gave up my car as I live in an area with good transport links. The first 6 months went well, but then we had a week of torrential rain and standing at the bus stop getting soaked to the bone, splashed by passing cars and arriving at my destination looking like a drowned rat persuaded me to change my mind and get a car again.

emptythelitterbox · 31/03/2023 20:48

The more you say about him, the more off it sounds. Where is your family? How often do you get to see them? Do you have any friends?

Original poster
FeetOnly · 01/04/2023 09:21

My family have more important things (DGC) to do than speak to me and DC! I was chatting to a friend when DH came home - which he was annoyed about. Anyway, seems he's not talking to me now...
I'm wondering if he's seen a bad accident recently. There was one about a year ago on where he saw a car flip and stopped to help. Friend reckons he scared himself somehow by falling asleep at the wheel. But if that's the case, why the hell can't he say that instead of all this it's better for the environment and better for the DC to grow up not being reliant on car bollocks?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 01/04/2023 09:28

@FeetOnly I am beginning to wonder if you are actually for real. It's not normal for an H to give you the silent treatment because you were talking to a friend, and who cares what bollocks he makes up to cover for it, net result is you learn not to be talking to friends in case he finds it annoying.

This is about coercive control, the more I read it. Forget language classes, get some paid work, even a few hour's cleaning or retail work would at least give you some source of income and a bit of company.

LicoriceComfit · 01/04/2023 09:48

Keep your car; you hardly use it so are not doing great damage to the environment.

your husband can go do the food shopping in the bus to save that journey.

MobyJeff · 01/04/2023 10:05

AluckyEllie · 29/03/2023 20:19

He’s trying to shrink your world even further by taking away the freedom a car gives. Still not going to the cinema or swimming pool?! You weren’t ‘allowed?’ Keep the car, ditch the man.

This

Original poster
FeetOnly · 01/04/2023 11:56

@rookiemere how? When you have less than a three hour window in which you could work?

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 02/04/2023 02:36

My family have more important things (DGC) to do than speak to me and DC! I was chatting to a friend when DH came home - which he was annoyed about. Anyway, seems he's not talking to me now...

I really don't understand your first sentence?

OffCycling · 02/04/2023 04:24

OP your DH sounds very much on the spectrum himself with everything being so all or nothing. I'd recommend not getting bogged down in the detail of the logistics with him, but to work out for yourself where your boundaries lie and to be clear and firm with them. Not having a car can be a fun logistical challenge (and so attractive to someone with ASD), until one day the practicalities of living this way are simply no longer fun for everyone else. If this way of life is tempting to you though, then I'd recommend initially SORNing your car for a period of time to see how you get on and how committed you all are in reality. Personally, I wouldn't recommend it longer term living in a rural location and considering the ages of your children.

My husband and I are both autistic and we enjoy this sort of thing. We've found that electric bicycles are necessary for longer commutes or heavy grocery shopping, especially for acceleration from junctions (it's amazing how much you can fit in a couple of large panniers though and I bungee tie larger additional items to my bicycle rack). We've bought a flatbed cycle trailer for the paddleboards and also to use for tip runs or Ikea trips. I like always being able to park in the middle of town centres for free too, which you can't do with a car.

We do still have the car though for all the many practical reasons you've already mentioned. Negatives of not having a car for me are: Cycling flooded / icy back roads in sub zero temperatures (we're semi-rural too) , cycling in fog, not being able to offer lifts to others, difficulty picking up poorly children from school, difficulty meeting up with others, having to be very organised, less spontaneity, limited choice of holidays or days out, being limited to bus timetables...

Personally, I think it's a fun challenge for as long as you have the choice not to be doing it. As your DH says, it would be better for the environment to drive less, but whether this means giving up the car altogether is perhaps another matter. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Wallywobbles · 02/04/2023 06:08

How / Why does this man have so much control in your life. I would hate this level of powerlessness in my own life.

Sorry not helpful.