Realities of life without a car?

[FeetOnly]

DH wants to give up the car. We live in a small village with a small supermarket with post office counter. Bus runs twice an hour (not every 30 mins) except at 10 and 3 when it's once an hour.

Currently I use the car twice a week - shopping and DC activity delivery when DH wfh. DC would still be late for activity if the bus is on time and the connection connects. Once a week for a club taxi.
We use the car at weekends to go on day trips. To go stand up paddling etc. Also to go on holiday.

DH reckons we can do all this by bus/train. [I personally don't see how we can transport e.g. four paddle boards, pumps, picnic etc.] Occasionally rent a car if need be.

He asked me today what plans I would have for the shopping. I said a weekly online shop. He does not want me to do this, says we will waste too much food and it's better to go every couple of days. On the scooter he is planning to use to go to work unless the weather is too bad for him to take it So he's clearly expecting me to go into town and do the shopping by bus/shopping trolley. Now he's annoyed with me for not being on board with saving the environment and says we should keep the car. Of course that means if anything goes wrong with it and any repairs need doing it will be my fault for not selling it.

-I will admit I did all shopping by bus before Covid and him being allowed to wfh.
-I did all DC activities by bus.
-He moaned constantly about the bus/train commute the first year he was working and didn't yet have a parking space.
-He freaked out about Covid and made me cancel all the DC's activities even once everything was up and running again and I wasn't allowed to take the DC's on the bus until about a year ago. He still won't go e.g. to a cinema or swimming pool or let me take them there.

What is life like without a car?

Similar to a pp I learned to drive age 45 just because living without a car anywhere outside of London is very very shit, especially with kids. Expensive and difficult and some things are impossible. Going to the supermarket and back takes the best part of a day and costs over a tenner in bus fares. Doing something like going to a parents' evening after work turns into a litany of late/cancelled buses and a couple of eventual taxis, with no time to cook/eat tea and everyone getting home at 10 pm rather than a 15 minute drive either end. Since getting a car I spend less and do more, even with petrol prices the way they are.

Is it a proper scooter (as in small motorcycle) or one of those dangerous stand up things that dart across in front or me? If the former then my advice is to upgrade your motorcycle licence to full (if not already) and get a proper motorbike, you can transport much easier (we go off for a couple of weeks at a time camping and travelling all over Europe both of us on the bike)

Keep the car, it gives you freedom. Get rid of him, he curtails your freedom

Unless you live in London or another big city with excellent public transport, then, really, you need a car to do most normal things.

Our village lost it's bus service back in 2005. Now people have to walk around a mile to the A road By-Pass to get a bus into town and that's only once per hour!

There are school buses that stop in the village for a school just over the county border, but no school buses at all for our nearby town in the same county, 5 miles away. It's complete madness.

This isn't a small village either, it's got around 8,000 inhabitants, so more of a small town really.

I think you have bigger problems than deciding on car /no car , your husband sounds controlling and vey unreasonable , he's happy for an 11yr old to use public transport alone on a dark winters night ?
Not only will he be isolating you but his children will be isolated too , i found that i was needed quite a lot for lifts for my 2 older kids and am now seeing it happen for my youngest child.
Put your foot down and keep your car and don't let him dictate your lives .
I would be giving this relationship some serious thought ,he doesn't sound like a nice man.

Bollocks this is about the car. It’s about control. Tell him absolutely not.

reading all your updates it’s all kind of wrong on all kind of levels. The only pro to this is him getting his own way. Everything else it has a negative effect.

the car stays, if he doesn’t like tell him he knows where the door is

Put your foot down OP, if you don’t where will it end, first the car and then no doubt he will find something else he wants you to give up. Life will be a total pain without car. Buses are unreliable at best. Imagine getting a phone call from school, child ill or accident, you need to jump in the car, not be waiting for a bus or a taxi to turn up, far too stressful.

I think we would get on well 😂 100% agree with your post!

In your circumstances this makes no sense. You need the car. Tell him you will keep the car.

why not get a bike or even an electric bike?

@carriedout we got the electric car for costs. We spent 14k€ keeping 2 cars on the road in 2022. So in 3 years it'll have paid for itself for us.

I WFH but we live 8km up a huge hill from the local shop and have 4 kids and a farm. I make 0 unnecessary journeys but I'm not pedaling 200kg of sheep pellets anywhere.

All kids at school in same town as DH.

I wasn't allowed to take the DC's on the bus until about a year ago. He still won't go e.g. to a cinema or swimming pool or let me take them there

Seriously? Wtf. He won't let you take your DC to a pool or cinema. He sounds horrendous. He's either paranoid or controlling or both. Most decent husbands and fathers would want their wife and DC to be able to get around comfortably, safely and easily. If it's a straight choice between him and the car, choose the car

No no no. In a city maybe but not in your situation.

As kids get older they want to be all over the place at all times of the evening - I wouldn't want my 15 year old autistic DD waiting for a bus or walking a rural route at 10pm in the dark.

Sell the family car and buy your own runabout if you have the means. Let him use his (illegal) electric scooter and see how far he gets when it's icy.
Alternatively LTB

I dont live in a big city, but do have fairly good public transport, we dont have a car because we cant justify the expense.

We work local, have our shopping delivered, so thats a plus

During Covid, it took all 3 of us (DP, DS and myself) to do a big shop, with us carrying it via backpacks and bags and it took several trips

Its really the things you dont think about, for example to get to a town a 15minute drive away, would take a bus and a train plus about a 30 minute walk.

We can't just go out for the day, this has to be planned. My Mum lives 45 minutes away via car, 4 trains and 2 hours.

There are ways round this, for example hiring a car if you need to, but if you go down the traditional route, you have to fork out £200 (minimum) deposit and then for the car hire and again this things need to be booked.

Its fine for us at the moment, people who drive tend to come to us, but it does mean we dont see them regularly because for us to get to them, its a nightmare. Also DS is older, so easier, to give him a phone to watch for long journeys on a train, so I wouldnt do any of the trips with him being much younger.

Also, I agree with PP your husband sounds like a controlling arse.

We didn't have a car until we had a second DC, but we live in London. We got one during the pandemic and we'd struggle without it now getting to and from kids activities.

When your kids are teens, how will they get about if you can't drive them? Are the buses good enough?

You have bigger problems though - why on Earth won't he let you and your kids do normal things like swimming and cinema?!

I would suggest you do a trial Wo the car whilst keeping the car Isywim. Basically giving it dry run for let’s say a month?
Let him try to do the shopping incl the loo roll and washing powder.
let him organise the weekends going paddle boarding.
Let him go to work Wo the car!
Ask him to plan the next holiday by bus and train (cue the issue user that much getting somewhere, it’s what you do when you get there - unless you’re not planning to move from the hotel)

See how you are ALL feeling after a month, incl dc!

My take, living in a small rural town - it’s fucking hard work….
And if he has issues with the cinema etc..l I’m not sure how he can be happy with using the bus and train so often. But 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I’m sure you could live without a car if you wanted to... but honestly, that’s not the issue.

Why is your husband telling you what you can and can’t do?

I’ve seen both sides of the equation - car family and non- car family. My vote, in your circumstances, would be to keep the car. Basically, it gives you freedom and convenience.

If you live in a city with good bus routes, and the supermarket, school, leisure centre, friends etc on your doorstep you’ll be fine. However, you live semi-rurally. What if the bus route is cut - quite a few have been stopped in our area? Or dc wants to meet friends? Or when older wants to get back from the Big City and there’s no bus? Or holidays?

Stand firm. I think having been used to the car. You will feel isolated without it.

NO don't give it up!

I say that as someone without a car - we live in London 5 mins from a busy high street, 5 mins from a tube station, can take 6 buses from outside my door (never wait more than 5 mons) and an overground train station literally 7 doors down from my house so we have no need for a car!

I visit my mum regularly in a lovely quiet suburban housing estate and honestly I can't cope without a car there - we hire one if we are visiting for longer than a weekend otherwise I feel trapped - impossible to get to a supermarket on foot -the buses are irregular and the traffic insane etc etc

So no in your position I wouldn't want to give up the car!

Btw no way I would leave an 11yo dd taking the bus at 8.30pm!
And even less so where she us going.

Also massively unfair fur her to ALWAYS be late for her activity.

And his arrangements will cause chaos to your dcs.

This is the plan of someone who has very little input in organising family life and therefore feels everyone should make an effort - that he isn’t required to make! Because the changes won’t affect him.

Btw I think you’re right about driving. Not that much about forgetting. I don’t think You forget as such. But you loose confidence certainly.

I lived without a car for a few months post-covid. I only use it to get to a hobby 10km away once a week and figured a taxi would be less than the car upkeep.

It was not!!! Cost £60 round-trip every time!

I can shop without a car as I live within walking distance of the supermarket and have a bike trailer. And time to visit frequently.

He doesn't allow you? Is he your father?
You're a grown woman, you don't need anyone's permission!
If he insists on getting rid of the car, then take a taxi to where you need to be and make him pay for it.
Or keep the car and get rid of him.
Who on earth does he think he is!

We used to live some time without a car in a city with good public transport, near a supermarket and it still affected us negatively. Public transport is expensive and not always reliable. it’s affected our social life especially mine and DD as DH could cycle and walk long distances, DD couldn’t walk long distances and I couldn’t cycle. Many things were difficult and expensive to get to (especially over weekends) plus you had to factor weather in.
If my DH suggested going on a holiday with all your equipment by train I would say that he wanted a divorce and didn’t know how to start the conversation.
You are a complete saint imo for coping with all ridiculous ideas of your husband so far. There are a lot of good advices on this thread and the main one : ditch him and keep the car.