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Original poster

Sorting our lives out- DP hates it!

105 replies

Treedecsandtinsel · 27/03/2023 10:18

I’m posting to see if anyone is in a similar situation and also so I can look at this from time to time and remind myself to crack on and sort things out.

DP constantly says he will do things and doesn’t. I’ve been breaking under the load of doing everything for me, work, the kids, him. The house is an absolute pit, I’m a state. I’m constantly losing my temper at him. All round not good.

I recently realised that he just lies to shut me up. I’ll think we are talking about who’s doing what he say yes absolutely I’ll do x, y, z. He’s now admitted he just agrees ‘to keep the peace for the kids’. He appears not to realise that being honest would be a lot less annoying. He barely remembers to have a shower or wash his own clothes never mind doing anything else.

I’ve looked into it and can’t afford to leave until our 5 year mortgage fix is finished.

I’ve decided to sort this out. So I’ve declared some essential jobs his. He is now in charge of shopping, cooking, all things food. Ok actually that’s it for now. He’s tried not doing it, not being able to use the Tesco app, buying daft things. I don’t care. It’s his fault if the kids are complaining about what there is. Week 3 he seems to have learnt. Still asking ‘have we got any…? I just shrug. Not my issue. So it appears that if he has jobs that the kids will realise he hasn’t done he will get embarrassed enough to actually do it.

Im cracking on with everything else and leaving the child wrangling to him. They can come and help if they want otherwise I make it clear he is in charge of them for a few hours at a time at the weekends.

I’ve washed out the recycling bins (gross), cleared the front of the house and getting quotes to fix the walls, had my car valeted, had my hair cut and coloured, cleaned all the windows , started clearing the back garden (once my pride and joy now full of broken things, things that ‘might be useful’ and rubbish), repainted the front room, bought sofa covers. Kids are getting involved and helping.

DP keeps saying he will do bits, he’ll do this and that so not to start something. He ridicules anything I fix/make. I’m ignoring him because I now realise it’s a tactic to stop me. He appears to have some form of hoarding issue as he doesn’t even like getting his hair cut never mind getting rid of rubbish.

The house is starting to look better, kids are happier. I’m happier.

DP is absolutely bloody livid.

Maybe I really am horrible? Maybe he will leave (I wish). Or maybe I’m just taking control and having things as I want them?

what do you think? Will this last?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 27/03/2023 10:31

I think you’re absolutely right to insist he does shopping/cooking. Why is he livid? Because he’s being forced to be in charge of something vital? I’d give him more to do!

EyesOnThePies · 27/03/2023 10:39

He’s livid because his passive aggressive way of keeping control (by not doing things) is no longer working.

Unless he has some MH issues or some condition he is showing disrespect and neglect of your home, and in effect, relationship. Keep watch. Look after yourself. Build savings.

Meanwhile don’t be deterred. As you say, the kids are happier.

Beware sabotage of new kinds.

Fatkittythinkitty · 27/03/2023 10:40

You're not horrible, you're amazing and I applaud you. I doubt he'll leave, who else would have him? And he's got a pretty amazing deal even with having to deal with food and shopping.

Keep doing what you're doing I say. Hopefully some sort of miracle wk occur and he'll turn into an actual partner in the true sense of the word. If not I hope he fucks off for your sake!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems
Baneofmyexistence · 27/03/2023 11:00

You are definitely not horrible. He is annoyed his control has been taken away. Keep on with. Make your house a nice place to be for you and your kids until you can get rid of him!

loislovesstewie · 27/03/2023 11:13

Keep right on doing what you are doing. My late husband was a hoarder, he could not see that by ignoring it, by being passive /aggressive and promising to do things he made it worse. Telling your husband to sort out the food, cooking etc is the best way forward as even he has to eat!

EasterEggBunny · 27/03/2023 11:16

Agree he's livid because his control tactics aren't working. In time he could escalate to violence, so be as prepared as you can to leave/get him out. It's one thing deciding to put up with mind games (which won't do you much good long term and may have a longer lasting effect than bruises would) but you can't put up with violence because it tends to get worse and worse until you're dead, accidentally or otherwise (unless you back down).

You're not horrible. Wanting a normal life with some cleanliness, organising and not being willing or able to do absolutely everything including taking full responsibility for a man-child is totally reasonable. He's not doing anywhere near enough. You're doing chores then in your downtime you're parenting. His "chore" is parenting and his downtime is his own apart from the shopping etc. He's so awful even the DC can see it. This is actually good, because it means his tricks won't work if he tries to turn them against you later on. They can see who the problem is.

Maybe he will leave, especially if you're not sleeping with him any more. And why would you want to? He sounds physically vile as well as his awful personality.

Calling bullshit on the MH issues. People with may struggle to do ordinary things but they're not oblivious to it, they know they should be doing and they know they're not. If they've decency they decide to get help to avoid it impacting on everyone else. What they don't do is devote their energies to playing mind games and getting angry when it doesn't work.

"Keep the peace for the sake of DC". Nice bit of emotional blackmail there. So, it's your fault if there's shouting and upset around DC is it? You're unreasonable for not quietly putting up with all his nonsense are you? Any rows are nothing to do with him? Just more lies OP, don't believe them.

How many years have you got to go? Get involved with women's aid or similar if you can, surround yourself with women who understand and can support your through this dark time until you're free. There will be many times when you'll question yourself because of things he says or does.

BeckyBeehive · 27/03/2023 11:24

Good for you OP. Ignore his sulking and crack on sorting your life out. You'll feel so much better for it.

ImAvingOops · 27/03/2023 11:33

Just wanted to say well done and keep doing what you're doing. And to echo pp about putting money aside in an account where he cannot get to it, so you have something to help you when the time comes.
I'd also be quietly separating finances - so if he's on your credit card as an additional card holder, put a stop to it do he can't run up bills that you are liable for. Same with overdraft facilities on joint bank accounts. Basically make it do that he can't leave you with debts.

Isheabastard · 27/03/2023 11:41

Good for you. I put up with this for too many years, but I’m getting out now.

There are so many men out there who don’t realise their laziness and selfishness eventually kills the love their partners had for them.

My friends way of getting small DIY jobs around the house, was to make sure she walked past her DH carrying one of his tools (power drill, sander etc). She would tell him she was going to have a go at putting the shelves up or whatever the job was.

He would then jump up and get on and do the job, rather than risk his wife do a bodge job.

Obviously this was a good 25 years ago when women generally were never taught DT or DIY skills in school or by their dad (or mum?)

JudgeRudy · 27/03/2023 11:48

Family/home life aside, this does not sound like a viable marriage anymore. That would be my bigger concern. I bet you warned him this would happen and still nothings changed. You crack on but just for your own benefit, keep a journal. Then in a few years time when you separate and he tells everyone how you made him homeless and fleeced him, how you deprived him of his children etc you can refer to your journal.
It's sad, but you wanted a husband and a father for your children, not an additional person who acts like a teenager.
I'm sorry it's ended this way but something tells me you're passed that now and you really don't care. That makes you s force to be reconned with!

MyriadOfTravels · 27/03/2023 11:48

Well done @Treedecsandtinsel
ive done something similar and it’s working. I call that establishing boundaries and holding them.

And of course he is unhappy! You’ve called him out, Wo a fuss and being angry, on his lazyness. He has to be a parent (even if only for a few hours)! He has to cook! Do you realise how awful it is to force him to do that! So he is attacking in return - being critical etc…

Either he’ll wake up to how much if ate at he is. Or he won’t. And you’ll know what to do.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 27/03/2023 11:52

Bloody amazing, keep doing what you're doing, he can either shape up or ship out.

whoruntheworldgirls · 27/03/2023 11:53

Yes go OP! Well done for ignoring his nonsense. Keep it up

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 27/03/2023 11:53

You're my hero.

Codlingmoths · 27/03/2023 11:56

You sound super effective, well done! It would probably take me months to paint a room outside work hours. I also applaud your dh management, let him froth at the mouth while you carry on supermuming. I’m sorry he’s not better than this though.

dittbtdity · 27/03/2023 11:57

Treedecsandtinsel · 27/03/2023 10:18

I’m posting to see if anyone is in a similar situation and also so I can look at this from time to time and remind myself to crack on and sort things out.

DP constantly says he will do things and doesn’t. I’ve been breaking under the load of doing everything for me, work, the kids, him. The house is an absolute pit, I’m a state. I’m constantly losing my temper at him. All round not good.

I recently realised that he just lies to shut me up. I’ll think we are talking about who’s doing what he say yes absolutely I’ll do x, y, z. He’s now admitted he just agrees ‘to keep the peace for the kids’. He appears not to realise that being honest would be a lot less annoying. He barely remembers to have a shower or wash his own clothes never mind doing anything else.

I’ve looked into it and can’t afford to leave until our 5 year mortgage fix is finished.

I’ve decided to sort this out. So I’ve declared some essential jobs his. He is now in charge of shopping, cooking, all things food. Ok actually that’s it for now. He’s tried not doing it, not being able to use the Tesco app, buying daft things. I don’t care. It’s his fault if the kids are complaining about what there is. Week 3 he seems to have learnt. Still asking ‘have we got any…? I just shrug. Not my issue. So it appears that if he has jobs that the kids will realise he hasn’t done he will get embarrassed enough to actually do it.

Im cracking on with everything else and leaving the child wrangling to him. They can come and help if they want otherwise I make it clear he is in charge of them for a few hours at a time at the weekends.

I’ve washed out the recycling bins (gross), cleared the front of the house and getting quotes to fix the walls, had my car valeted, had my hair cut and coloured, cleaned all the windows , started clearing the back garden (once my pride and joy now full of broken things, things that ‘might be useful’ and rubbish), repainted the front room, bought sofa covers. Kids are getting involved and helping.

DP keeps saying he will do bits, he’ll do this and that so not to start something. He ridicules anything I fix/make. I’m ignoring him because I now realise it’s a tactic to stop me. He appears to have some form of hoarding issue as he doesn’t even like getting his hair cut never mind getting rid of rubbish.

The house is starting to look better, kids are happier. I’m happier.

DP is absolutely bloody livid.

Maybe I really am horrible? Maybe he will leave (I wish). Or maybe I’m just taking control and having things as I want them?

what do you think? Will this last?

good luck, it sounds like you have an extra teen in the house.

Catspyjamas17 · 27/03/2023 12:09

This all sounds very familiar. Well done, OP. DH is rather like this too, and I had to find ways to work with him. The thing is, they don't change, so the decision is can you live this way or is it a dealbreaker?

flowerbob · 27/03/2023 12:17

You sound like me, 5 years ago. My ex-H used it as a tactic to keep me in my box. Unfortunately for him, I had enough too, we separated and he did leave. I loved sorting out the house- decluttered, decorated every room, got the garden looking nice. Every time he dropped the kids back, he would make a comment. It bloody killed him!

AmandaHoldensLips · 27/03/2023 12:25

Well done! You keep on doing what you're doing. He's being passive-aggressive (and just plain aggressive) because you've shown him up and called him out.

Continue to live you life in the way YOU want, and he'll either have to shape up or ship out. (Or watch while you ship out in your own time.)

privateeyeeye · 27/03/2023 12:29

Epic work OP ! Keep going !

plus also all this work is putting value on your house…..

Original poster
Treedecsandtinsel · 27/03/2023 12:34

Thanks everyone. Some validation is just what I needed.

I really am looking at separating. I look forward to retirement (decades away) and think no way. No way am I living out the rest of my life like this. He says he won’t be able to get a mortgage on his own, he won’t be able to have the kids, I’ll be taking them from him if that’s the case. No- that’s in him. He’s got 5 years to sort that out. Plenty of time.

no more being too embarrassed to invite friends round or worrying whatDC’s friends would think. It’s getting sorted. And you are right- I need to surround myself with Women who will help me see things as they are.

honestly I can’t believe that I got to this. I travelled the world, fixed my own boat, was Miss independent. Now I look around and realise I had believed the drip drip of ‘you can’t do it’.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 27/03/2023 12:35

Go OP! Sounds like you're doing great. Shame you can't ditch the dead wood a bit sooner, but don't let him drag you down in the meantime.

You could view it as education/training for him when ultimately you separate? He'll have to keep your DC alive and fed single-handedly when he has them (which presumably he will some of the time), so by leaving him to sink or swim now, it will help them in the long-run.

Goldbar · 27/03/2023 12:37

Tell him that no one is owed a relationship. You have to work for it and in it.

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 12:40

Treedecsandtinsel · 27/03/2023 10:18

I’m posting to see if anyone is in a similar situation and also so I can look at this from time to time and remind myself to crack on and sort things out.

DP constantly says he will do things and doesn’t. I’ve been breaking under the load of doing everything for me, work, the kids, him. The house is an absolute pit, I’m a state. I’m constantly losing my temper at him. All round not good.

I recently realised that he just lies to shut me up. I’ll think we are talking about who’s doing what he say yes absolutely I’ll do x, y, z. He’s now admitted he just agrees ‘to keep the peace for the kids’. He appears not to realise that being honest would be a lot less annoying. He barely remembers to have a shower or wash his own clothes never mind doing anything else.

I’ve looked into it and can’t afford to leave until our 5 year mortgage fix is finished.

I’ve decided to sort this out. So I’ve declared some essential jobs his. He is now in charge of shopping, cooking, all things food. Ok actually that’s it for now. He’s tried not doing it, not being able to use the Tesco app, buying daft things. I don’t care. It’s his fault if the kids are complaining about what there is. Week 3 he seems to have learnt. Still asking ‘have we got any…? I just shrug. Not my issue. So it appears that if he has jobs that the kids will realise he hasn’t done he will get embarrassed enough to actually do it.

Im cracking on with everything else and leaving the child wrangling to him. They can come and help if they want otherwise I make it clear he is in charge of them for a few hours at a time at the weekends.

I’ve washed out the recycling bins (gross), cleared the front of the house and getting quotes to fix the walls, had my car valeted, had my hair cut and coloured, cleaned all the windows , started clearing the back garden (once my pride and joy now full of broken things, things that ‘might be useful’ and rubbish), repainted the front room, bought sofa covers. Kids are getting involved and helping.

DP keeps saying he will do bits, he’ll do this and that so not to start something. He ridicules anything I fix/make. I’m ignoring him because I now realise it’s a tactic to stop me. He appears to have some form of hoarding issue as he doesn’t even like getting his hair cut never mind getting rid of rubbish.

The house is starting to look better, kids are happier. I’m happier.

DP is absolutely bloody livid.

Maybe I really am horrible? Maybe he will leave (I wish). Or maybe I’m just taking control and having things as I want them?

what do you think? Will this last?

You crack on. And keep up with your plan to split.

He sounds horrible.

Ylvamoon · 27/03/2023 12:40

Kerp going! He'll relapse from time to time, but just ignore it!

I used to do everything to do with household & kids due to his job- 12 hours night shift.

But since he's not doing it anymore, he's had to face the fact that I will not be single handedly doing the day to day running of the house chores while he's sitting down resting!

A few weeks ago I got a lecture in womens work and mens work around the home and that he doesn't know ANY man that does the shopping and cooking 🙄, ... needless to say I completely ignored him!