Sorting our lives out- DP hates it!

[Treedecsandtinsel]

I’m posting to see if anyone is in a similar situation and also so I can look at this from time to time and remind myself to crack on and sort things out.

DP constantly says he will do things and doesn’t. I’ve been breaking under the load of doing everything for me, work, the kids, him. The house is an absolute pit, I’m a state. I’m constantly losing my temper at him. All round not good.

I recently realised that he just lies to shut me up. I’ll think we are talking about who’s doing what he say yes absolutely I’ll do x, y, z. He’s now admitted he just agrees ‘to keep the peace for the kids’. He appears not to realise that being honest would be a lot less annoying. He barely remembers to have a shower or wash his own clothes never mind doing anything else.

I’ve looked into it and can’t afford to leave until our 5 year mortgage fix is finished.

I’ve decided to sort this out. So I’ve declared some essential jobs his. He is now in charge of shopping, cooking, all things food. Ok actually that’s it for now. He’s tried not doing it, not being able to use the Tesco app, buying daft things. I don’t care. It’s his fault if the kids are complaining about what there is. Week 3 he seems to have learnt. Still asking ‘have we got any…? I just shrug. Not my issue. So it appears that if he has jobs that the kids will realise he hasn’t done he will get embarrassed enough to actually do it.

Im cracking on with everything else and leaving the child wrangling to him. They can come and help if they want otherwise I make it clear he is in charge of them for a few hours at a time at the weekends.

I’ve washed out the recycling bins (gross), cleared the front of the house and getting quotes to fix the walls, had my car valeted, had my hair cut and coloured, cleaned all the windows , started clearing the back garden (once my pride and joy now full of broken things, things that ‘might be useful’ and rubbish), repainted the front room, bought sofa covers. Kids are getting involved and helping.

DP keeps saying he will do bits, he’ll do this and that so not to start something. He ridicules anything I fix/make. I’m ignoring him because I now realise it’s a tactic to stop me. He appears to have some form of hoarding issue as he doesn’t even like getting his hair cut never mind getting rid of rubbish.

The house is starting to look better, kids are happier. I’m happier.

DP is absolutely bloody livid.

Maybe I really am horrible? Maybe he will leave (I wish). Or maybe I’m just taking control and having things as I want them?

what do you think? Will this last?

Dead proud of you!

Not all hero's wear capes :)

I'd just Sstart putting the airer in his room, rather than having to look at it

I'd buy a second airer just for you and the kids.

I’m proud of you and ashamed I never had the confidence to deal with DH years ago. The clutter in our house is in every room, often there is not a chair to sit on. I’ve not seen the carpet in my house for years. The rows if I move anything are horrendous. He promises to sort it but that’s as far as it goes. Every night he goes through the bins and brings things back in the house. If I won the lottery I’d get a house clearance company in to do a massive declutter.

How is it going @Treedecsandtinsel?

Still sorting, clearing and fixing things up? And not food shopping or cooking???!!!

This is the first time I have seen your thread but I just wanted to comment on something from the first page.

You did your own boat maintenance? You can do anything! As evidenced by everything since the first page.

Keep going, OP, you’ve got this.

Thank you for checking in. It continues!

I’ve stuck with the not shopping or cooking, I keep nearly picking it up and he tries everything to get me too.

the house and garden clearing has turned out to be worse than I realised. I started on the loft last week. There are layers of ‘normal’ stuff from when we moved in which degenerates to boxes and bags of random shite. Every time I’ve got annoyed and told him to clear his room or crap he’s leaving everywhere he’s shoved it through the loft hatch. Boxes upon boxes of old jeans, broken electricals, empty toiletries, things. For the first time he actually looked ashamed and said he knows it’s not normal. He won’t change though. And when I got him to look through some stuff he immediately squirreled it away in his room.

I have a plan though. I’m clearing the house from the loft downwards. Except his stinking pit.

im getting jobs done as I can afford them. And not being deterred by him saying it’s too expensive/he’s doing it/he’s booked someone. I realise that is lies so I nod and carry on.

The walls at the front of the house look great. Unfortunately he was in when the guy finished and told him not to worry about tidying up so I’ve got loads to do to get rid of the rubble but I’ll get there. Pretty sure he did it to teach me not to get jobs done.

im focused on making the house tidy and reasonably well maintained. And planning to sell up and buy without him as soon as I can.

Never be ashamed. You aren’t responsible for his choices and behaviours. You are living with the consequences but not causing the problem.
I totally get it seeming impossible to be any other way.

im lucky that I am physically well and I drive so I can do tip runs. I’ll see if I can get rid of stuff faster than he aquires it. How about you. Would you be able to make a start in clearing some space for you? One area than you can claim to start with?

@worriedmum46 that reply was to you. Reply fail there.

I feel like this could be written by me even down to the separate bedrooms and very apparent dead relationship.
I have a new rule that anything not used since the beginning of lockdown is binned. Unfortunately my daughter is turning into a hoarder too and uses emotional manipulation to try and get me to keep things. I’ve introduced a 2 throws and veto rule so she gets to keep 1/3 things. She is one for hoarding broken toys! Anyone like a Barbie with no head because she has a dozen. Her dad is worse with receipt from businesses he hasn’t owned for 11 years and loads of medium clothes from when he was slimmer and he’s xxl. I’ve realised how much my mental health has been impacted by my living environment.
This weeks gem was him refusing to get rid of the baby car seat although he doesn’t want anymore children and we no longer have sex!

@Treedecsandtinsel you're doing amazingly to keep up the momentum several weeks in

@worriedmum46 You shouldn’t have to live like that! It must be soul destroying to have so little comfort in your own home. Things get harder to change as we get older, I’m just so sorry for your situation.

@Treedecsandtinsel huge admiration for you.

Keep on going!!

You have come so far.

It's so nice to read a thread about a woman truly empowering herself. Well done, OP. I love reading about how you are now being powerful.

I'm in awe of you! As I said up thread, my late DH was a hoarder I do miss him but, my god, I don't miss the junk. The only good point is that I have sold lots of his collectables and made a fortune. I know have a new kitchen, bathroom and shower room, courtesy of the junk.

That is amazing. They must have been some collections.

Despite the fact that he hoarded, he had managed to collect quite a few items that were worth something. It was the sheer volume of stuff that made me stressed!

This is my favorite thread. Please keep posting.

Yes I hope you are still at it op, and your home is becoming an oasis.

I am indeed in a similar situation. He says he's going to do things then doesn't do them. Makes up silly lies to cover his ass.
It's taken 20 years but I've done the same as you. It feels amazing! Carry on. You're not mean, you're incredible

I'm in awe of you OP! Agree with PP of having a vision of you in a cape 😍

If you are on Facebook, the group 'bridging the gap' will be helpful - not for bridging your gaps in your relationship as it sounds like that's impossible, but it's a useful reminder of things similar sneaky b*stards get up to and how to handle it etc.

This is a great thread. Lovely to hear all your stories of pushing back against very unreasonable behaviours. My husband has now retired early. After many years of disengagement from the running of the household he and the kids have been told which jobs are his. Washing when I’m in work and shopping list compiling and the food order, as well as gardening which he enjoys and I very much don’t. No clean sports kit - why didn’t you let dad know when you needed it or pop it in the machine yourself?
We now have a much fairer division of work the best since kids arrived I think. For years I’ve been the one to do all decluttering, charity shop dropping off, he’s been the one moaning about the amount of stuff 🙄🤐

How fantastic, good for you for just absolutely not allowing his weaponised incompetence. You're a hell of a woman OP, your kids are very fortunate to have such an excellent role model.

This thread fills me with joy and I hope your house overhaul continues OP.

I am divorced so no man ruining my plans but you have inspired me to improve/declutter my home. The garden is ongoing on nice days and I have emptied my entire loft, gone through everything and have cleared out an enormous amount!

I’ve cleaned top to bottom in a really deep clean way I never do and though things like my carpets are threadbare in place it makes the whole house look better and the smell of a freshly cleaned home with less clutter motivates me. Looking at a nicely planted weed free garden pleases me.

I hope you have continued on your path and that it is making you happy. He behaves terribly to you and I hope that you get the freedom you deserve! I’m not as financially well off as I was but I am 100% happier!