Sorting our lives out- DP hates it!

[Treedecsandtinsel]

I’m posting to see if anyone is in a similar situation and also so I can look at this from time to time and remind myself to crack on and sort things out.

DP constantly says he will do things and doesn’t. I’ve been breaking under the load of doing everything for me, work, the kids, him. The house is an absolute pit, I’m a state. I’m constantly losing my temper at him. All round not good.

I recently realised that he just lies to shut me up. I’ll think we are talking about who’s doing what he say yes absolutely I’ll do x, y, z. He’s now admitted he just agrees ‘to keep the peace for the kids’. He appears not to realise that being honest would be a lot less annoying. He barely remembers to have a shower or wash his own clothes never mind doing anything else.

I’ve looked into it and can’t afford to leave until our 5 year mortgage fix is finished.

I’ve decided to sort this out. So I’ve declared some essential jobs his. He is now in charge of shopping, cooking, all things food. Ok actually that’s it for now. He’s tried not doing it, not being able to use the Tesco app, buying daft things. I don’t care. It’s his fault if the kids are complaining about what there is. Week 3 he seems to have learnt. Still asking ‘have we got any…? I just shrug. Not my issue. So it appears that if he has jobs that the kids will realise he hasn’t done he will get embarrassed enough to actually do it.

Im cracking on with everything else and leaving the child wrangling to him. They can come and help if they want otherwise I make it clear he is in charge of them for a few hours at a time at the weekends.

I’ve washed out the recycling bins (gross), cleared the front of the house and getting quotes to fix the walls, had my car valeted, had my hair cut and coloured, cleaned all the windows , started clearing the back garden (once my pride and joy now full of broken things, things that ‘might be useful’ and rubbish), repainted the front room, bought sofa covers. Kids are getting involved and helping.

DP keeps saying he will do bits, he’ll do this and that so not to start something. He ridicules anything I fix/make. I’m ignoring him because I now realise it’s a tactic to stop me. He appears to have some form of hoarding issue as he doesn’t even like getting his hair cut never mind getting rid of rubbish.

The house is starting to look better, kids are happier. I’m happier.

DP is absolutely bloody livid.

Maybe I really am horrible? Maybe he will leave (I wish). Or maybe I’m just taking control and having things as I want them?

what do you think? Will this last?

I really love the stories of those of you also making the change and getting things sorted.

it seems to be getting easier in many ways. The loft is sorted (needs insulation but is cleared) and it was so nice to just pop some camping kit up there today. No months long argument or pile of shite.

2/3 of the garden is clear and nice. I’ll lose it occasionally and make him clear more of the last 1/3 but it’s not my priority I’ve decided for this year.

my aunt very kindly has left me a very small inheritance. It’s enough to get a few small jobs done to the front of the house. The front is cleared now but needs some maintenance that’s beyond me so I’m really grateful that I can get quotes to get it done..

He still puts barriers in the way of absolutely everything but my approach has changed. I announce what I’m planning to do and invite him to give his view. I’m not waiting for him to do things. I’m not put off by him saying it’s too expensive, needs specialist things, will take forever. I don’t believe him when he says he will do it.

i just get on and do it.

he’s still a pain in the arse but I feel like I have some input and control back and that feels good!

Thanks all so much. For those of you asking about ADHD, funnily enough DD (who has diagnosed ADHD) said she definitely thinks he has it too (although he’s actually the most organised person I know on many ways). She’s been asking him to fix something in her room for ages and he just never gets round to doing it (which really pisses me off that she has to put up with it too).

I’ve just read bits of the other thread someone linked here and wow that woman is incredible. We’re not at a stage where it’s going to make the marriage breakdown but I can’t go on like this forever and at some point I want to move and the state the house is getting in would put anyone off buying it, so I can see it getting to that stage.

Sorry, wrong thread! 🙈

Wow op you are an inspiration! I hope you are keeping a diary or photos of before and after. Something to show how far you've come. You should be so proud of everything you have achieved despite the dead weight you're supporting.

How are the kids in all this? I bet they're loving the changes? Does your husband have any awareness of how his behaviour has driven you to this?

Hope you are still getting on in such a proactive and positive way OP, its so utterly draining living with someone like this, especially with the deliberate sabotage.