Sorting our lives out- DP hates it!

[Treedecsandtinsel]

I’m posting to see if anyone is in a similar situation and also so I can look at this from time to time and remind myself to crack on and sort things out.

DP constantly says he will do things and doesn’t. I’ve been breaking under the load of doing everything for me, work, the kids, him. The house is an absolute pit, I’m a state. I’m constantly losing my temper at him. All round not good.

I recently realised that he just lies to shut me up. I’ll think we are talking about who’s doing what he say yes absolutely I’ll do x, y, z. He’s now admitted he just agrees ‘to keep the peace for the kids’. He appears not to realise that being honest would be a lot less annoying. He barely remembers to have a shower or wash his own clothes never mind doing anything else.

I’ve looked into it and can’t afford to leave until our 5 year mortgage fix is finished.

I’ve decided to sort this out. So I’ve declared some essential jobs his. He is now in charge of shopping, cooking, all things food. Ok actually that’s it for now. He’s tried not doing it, not being able to use the Tesco app, buying daft things. I don’t care. It’s his fault if the kids are complaining about what there is. Week 3 he seems to have learnt. Still asking ‘have we got any…? I just shrug. Not my issue. So it appears that if he has jobs that the kids will realise he hasn’t done he will get embarrassed enough to actually do it.

Im cracking on with everything else and leaving the child wrangling to him. They can come and help if they want otherwise I make it clear he is in charge of them for a few hours at a time at the weekends.

I’ve washed out the recycling bins (gross), cleared the front of the house and getting quotes to fix the walls, had my car valeted, had my hair cut and coloured, cleaned all the windows , started clearing the back garden (once my pride and joy now full of broken things, things that ‘might be useful’ and rubbish), repainted the front room, bought sofa covers. Kids are getting involved and helping.

DP keeps saying he will do bits, he’ll do this and that so not to start something. He ridicules anything I fix/make. I’m ignoring him because I now realise it’s a tactic to stop me. He appears to have some form of hoarding issue as he doesn’t even like getting his hair cut never mind getting rid of rubbish.

The house is starting to look better, kids are happier. I’m happier.

DP is absolutely bloody livid.

Maybe I really am horrible? Maybe he will leave (I wish). Or maybe I’m just taking control and having things as I want them?

what do you think? Will this last?

You really are on a roll!!

Well done op, keep going!

Keep it up OP, you're doing great. We can all feel your new found positivity.

Wow you're fantastic OP

Bloody good on you

Do you fancy a trip to Normandy to sort out our stuff that could be sold.

You're brilliant @Treedecsandtinsel and setting your children a fabulous example.

You sound wonderful OP and your kids are lucky to have you.

It sounds like you just need to ignore your DH until you can get out of the 5 year fix and divorce his stinking, hairy arse.

Well done you! I don’t even know you and feel proud! It’s so good to get your living space looking goo and you’ll be adding value to the house.

id speak to your husband and tell him he either contributes to the cost of these improvements and finished jobs or you will keep records of spend and be taking it out of his half when you split. (Keep records and receipts out of the house where he can’t get them)

when he’s out blitz his room. If it smells that bad it desperately must need cleaning. Just knowing that room existed would upset me!

so glad it is also making the kids feel happier

Well done OP! An Inspiration to many of us. Even just reading your thread I'm motivated to gut the garage out.

I hope this is the start of new beginnings for you, regardless of the outcome of you and your husband.

OP

Practically , if there's any assets and animosity, a divorce would take at least a year even now.
So I would factor that in to your timeline, and start the process before 5 years is up.

@dittbtdity why do you need to quote the full long OP? We've all read it first. Just reply!

Actually, my first thought on reading your comment was, yeah you're right, why did I do that? Silly me.

Then I thought, well, how many posters are told off on threads for not reading the full thread and misunderstanding the story.

But thanks for your rebuke, I'll add it to my learnings.

Time to also pass over the DC laundry to him as well, free up more time for you!

Thank you for the ideas but no way am I touching his room. His sister will be staying in there at Easter. He cleans it or he doesn’t. His embarrassment if it’s disgusting!

if I fall for doing it once it becomes my job forever!

I do! Love Normandy and a sort out x

He maintains an inability to do laundry. I’ve learnt to only let him ruin his own. The kids know they need to put theirs in the basket and quite like loading the machine so I’m aiming for them to do their own when big enough.

he’s currently expressing his irritation through the mediums of washing (leaving his on the airers all week/washing one thing at a time. And shopping- I suspect as he’s away for a few days it isn’t getting done. I’m not giving in. I caught myself this morning starting to grumble about him and going to move the washing. But I’m not sorting it. I’ll pile his washing on one edge of the aider and continue using it. We will be on freezer food until the shopping gets done.

I used to think he just couldn’t manage. Now I know it’s purposeful.

You're an inspiration! Has really cheered me up to read this thread.

When I had a sort out, I used a Hippo bag, didnt take up a load of space, easy to fill and the collection went really well. Good for a quick win binning a load of crap.

For the food situation, maybe a takeaway or two while he's away? Though running the freezer contents down is a good idea.

Definitely work on building up savings, you'll want them for legal fees. Start your divorce preps as soon as possible, keep documents somewhere safe: children's passports, marriage cert, birth certs, copies of pay slips. Could be interesting to do some checks on what you might be entitled to for benefits, maintenance etc if you split up sooner.

Huge congratulations on re-finding yourself and letting that strong, capable woman speak out again.

You are amazing. Throw all his washing and other shit that's around the house into his manky room.

Well done @Treedecsandtinsel

its actually hard to start doing whatever you want like that.
Esp when it comes to decorating (or maybe it’s just me….)

You really are an inspiration - I have this vision of you wearing a cape for some reason 😂

I've realised my DH also says he'll help with things to shut me up!

Probably longer with all the delays from Covid.

You are on a roll, keep going OP you are doing great.

Ha ha no cape here.

maybe there’s hundreds of DP’s out there doing the same thing. Cheeky buggers!

honestly I can’t believe that I fell for it for so long.

@Treedecsandtinsel

well done!

I've read all of your posts, but not all of the replies. I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned it, but if they have, I don't see a reply from you. But sorry if I'm repeating!

How much is your ERC? And what do you plan/hope to do with the house when you separate/divorce?

im just wondering if there's not a way to sort this out now. You & the kids shouldn't live like this for another 5 years if there's a way around it.