Sorting our lives out- DP hates it!

[Treedecsandtinsel]

I’m posting to see if anyone is in a similar situation and also so I can look at this from time to time and remind myself to crack on and sort things out.

DP constantly says he will do things and doesn’t. I’ve been breaking under the load of doing everything for me, work, the kids, him. The house is an absolute pit, I’m a state. I’m constantly losing my temper at him. All round not good.

I recently realised that he just lies to shut me up. I’ll think we are talking about who’s doing what he say yes absolutely I’ll do x, y, z. He’s now admitted he just agrees ‘to keep the peace for the kids’. He appears not to realise that being honest would be a lot less annoying. He barely remembers to have a shower or wash his own clothes never mind doing anything else.

I’ve looked into it and can’t afford to leave until our 5 year mortgage fix is finished.

I’ve decided to sort this out. So I’ve declared some essential jobs his. He is now in charge of shopping, cooking, all things food. Ok actually that’s it for now. He’s tried not doing it, not being able to use the Tesco app, buying daft things. I don’t care. It’s his fault if the kids are complaining about what there is. Week 3 he seems to have learnt. Still asking ‘have we got any…? I just shrug. Not my issue. So it appears that if he has jobs that the kids will realise he hasn’t done he will get embarrassed enough to actually do it.

Im cracking on with everything else and leaving the child wrangling to him. They can come and help if they want otherwise I make it clear he is in charge of them for a few hours at a time at the weekends.

I’ve washed out the recycling bins (gross), cleared the front of the house and getting quotes to fix the walls, had my car valeted, had my hair cut and coloured, cleaned all the windows , started clearing the back garden (once my pride and joy now full of broken things, things that ‘might be useful’ and rubbish), repainted the front room, bought sofa covers. Kids are getting involved and helping.

DP keeps saying he will do bits, he’ll do this and that so not to start something. He ridicules anything I fix/make. I’m ignoring him because I now realise it’s a tactic to stop me. He appears to have some form of hoarding issue as he doesn’t even like getting his hair cut never mind getting rid of rubbish.

The house is starting to look better, kids are happier. I’m happier.

DP is absolutely bloody livid.

Maybe I really am horrible? Maybe he will leave (I wish). Or maybe I’m just taking control and having things as I want them?

what do you think? Will this last?

Introduce him to my DH - he'd pass out knowing he does the ironing too!

Might be time to remind everyone that you most certainly can do it, but you won't drown under his weight because he's too lazy to swim.

That's an inspirational update, OP

Here's to more and more women following suit and just stepping back from doing everything.

Maybe the tide is turning after all

My exH was like this. Sneering wanker. I got rid of him and threw him out with the rest of the rubbish.

Us women are MORE THAN CAPABLE of creating and maintaining our own homes and providing for ourselves and our families. So may men still trying to gaslight us into believing otherwise. "Women - know your place and stay in your lane!" (yeah well fuck that matey).

many not may !

You sound amazing, OP!

Well done OP. Keep going!

Sounds like you’ve just woken up and realised how it’s become- it honestly is so easy to get into bad habits or bad ways. Even if you can’t leave him right this minute it sounds like you are doing great things- sorting out the house so in 5 years it would be ready to sell (or buy him out.) Doing things you enjoy like the garden. Your kids will be learning skills as you do this and learning bits about running a house/DIY etc.

Do you have a separate savings account you could start building up in preparation for leaving? Do you work? Does he?

It is not on you to make sure he can afford to get another mortgage or to facilitate him having a relationship with the children if you do split.

keep going, you are doing great!

What is he livid about? Doing the food? The changes in the house? You saying you're leaving in 5 years? Him not being bale to drag you back down? All of if?

This was me with my exDH..didn't lift a finger but I made a rod for my own back by doing everything. Until I realised I was better off on my own, so I did! Sold the house and got divorced. He's doing exactly the same with his gf and child although tables have turned and she does nothing 😂. I've moved on and when I look back I'm glad I'm out of it.

What a fantastic update OP, I really am cheering you on here. It's so easy to slip into these habbits, as a PPP said it's a drip drip that erodes your confidence over time.

You're a complete bloody legend, well done you. Stick to the plan, get rid of the man and enjoy the rest of your life. Boohoo to him he can't get a mortgage and bla bla bla - he's an adult. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Well done op, you're an inspiration!

It's amazing that once you decide to stop relying on him, and that you CAN do these things, how much easier your life gets. As you said, you decorate a room and the kids want a snack, lift to friends, help with homework, and you say 'go and ask your dad, I'm busy' they can see this and will go and ask dad, because 9 times out if 19 he's sat on his arse doing fuck all.

By him making you think he'll do these jobs and never doing them, it means he can offset all the parenting and jobs he wants you to do, onto you, but of course he can't do that if you're already busy, and yes he will be livid, because you're doing the jobs YOU want to do, not what he wants you to do.

I'd also take another step and tell him you're no longer washing his clothes, you'll do yours and the kids, but he sorts his own shit.

As for the mortgage etc, it's not your concern or problem to fox, he's a grown adult and can sort it out himself

He’s a nasty, sabotaging prick. Ugh.

He’s livid because he’s having to do stuff and can’t get away with his default of ‘fuck all’.

OP.

You're doing great.

Make sure that you stop doing what affects him - e g his washing.

As someone said above:

Beware sabotage of new kinds.

Well done OP. Stand for your rights. A year from now he’ll be boasting about all he does. He’ll get over it.

I've only read your OP so far but I think you sound fantastic, strong willed and motivated and I hope everything goes brilliantly for you and your kids.

Thank you. You seem to have captured what’s happening.

I stopped washing his clothes when we had DD1. I got fed up of finding stinking piles of them all balled up. He now keeps day/night clothes on a chair in the dinning room for some reason. We have separate rooms. His is a stinking cess pit that I occasionally get fed up of and tell him to clean as I can smell it in the hall.

we haven’t been partners as such since having the kids.

he does do occasional major building work and he’s very good at it. It’s just never finished as if he’s going to do anything he wants it to be perfect. It never will be so it gets left alongside all the building crap. No one else’s work is ever good enough so he hates having anyone in to do jobs. But bollocks to him, I’m getting quotes for finishing jobs off and all the ‘odd bits I’m keeping’ are going to the tip!

We both work full time.
Joint bills account as I don’t trust him, for years he did bills and I paid mortgage. We were meant to pay in the same each month but turns out he spent any extra.

so now it’s joint and I check the bills account.

I’m going to try and save as soon as I’ve got the house and garden sorted. Definitely time to prepare for freedom!

You sound pretty amazing. He's pissed because he no longer controls you with his behaviour. Good for you.

Good for you! The saying that men need a woman but a woman doesn't need a man rings so true. In the majority of cases a woman can live a really great life independently from a man but not so much the other way round.

You are my hero!!
Well done to you and keep going!!!

I am soo inspired by you!!

I really am looking at separating. I look forward to retirement (decades away) and think no way. No way am I living out the rest of my life like this
Glad to hear you have a long-term plan 😎👍

Todays wins- should anyone be interested.

i’d ordered photos from free print. They arrived today and I have lovely prints of memories up on the walls. I love them!

A guy came to quote for fixing the falling down walls. Sounds like it might actually be affordable! Couple more current account switches and I think I’ll have enough.

I found the stash of things we don’t need any more that DP squirreled away over the weekend. The old toys were sold on facebook this morning. Kids can have the cash, we have more room.

Still feeling on a roll. Hope it keeps going!

Thank you for the positive support. It’s been so helpful x

Well done OP!