My partner of 21 years is volatile and emotionally abusive. I have only realised it since starting to read MN. I feel so stupid writing this down but here are just a few choice highlights of how I've been living:
- Ignored for vast periods at a time because I have done something like not ask if he was OK enough times (apparently I was supposed to keep asking until he told me rather than accepting it when he said nothing was wrong) and then not checking on him properly when he was ignoring me to prove I care.
- Always being accused of cheating because I took 5 mins longer to get to work from the bus than I should have for example.
- Not being allowed to take more than 3 mins to reply to a text
- Being expected to do all the housework and cooking despite us both working full time and then being told my attitude stinks if I don't do it to his standard. This is despite him regularly breaking things. There's no doors on upstairs, chunk out of the cistern lid for example thanks to him, those things were also my fault.
- Being accused of sleeping with his dad. No idea why.
- Being yelled at, sworn at, told to F off and die because I put his toothbrush away or something similar
- Have had birthdays and Christmas ruined for no reason
- Been told I need to lose weight and look less embarrassing
- Been spoken down to in front of his parents in a way I could tell they were uncomfortable with.
- Being unable to go for a bath for example as it's not worth the questions of who I am trying to impress
There's a lot more too, basically everything is always my fault. I asked the doctor if I could be depressed, she asked me what was happening in my life. She listened, paused and then said 'sweeyheart, you aren't depressed, you're in an abusive relationship'.
I am the main earner, there are no children but I can't get out just yet as there is a lot needs doing to the house (I've got a very partially completed kitchen for example which he started 18 months ago and hasn't done anything on it since, something else that's my fault apparently. I didn't even want the kitchen replaced). I have realised now that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life. This makes me sound pathetic but I've been worn down for years. I am intelligent and earning £30k in a job I enjoy. We don't have any savings and we do have some debt due to his spending habits.
So...this brings me to the first step of becoming free. I got a performance bonus at work of £500. I normally would have told him straight away and he would have instantly found some playstation games etc that he just had to have and I would have ended up with nothing, but this time I have kept it quiet and put it in a separate online account that he has no access to.
Shhh but this is the beginning of my escape fund 😊 I haven't felt so in control for years. At 42, I am regaining control of my life. Shhh.