I have taken the first step to becoming free...

[FishChipsMushyPeas]

My partner of 21 years is volatile and emotionally abusive. I have only realised it since starting to read MN. I feel so stupid writing this down but here are just a few choice highlights of how I've been living:

• Ignored for vast periods at a time because I have done something like not ask if he was OK enough times (apparently I was supposed to keep asking until he told me rather than accepting it when he said nothing was wrong) and then not checking on him properly when he was ignoring me to prove I care.
• Always being accused of cheating because I took 5 mins longer to get to work from the bus than I should have for example.
• Not being allowed to take more than 3 mins to reply to a text
• Being expected to do all the housework and cooking despite us both working full time and then being told my attitude stinks if I don't do it to his standard. This is despite him regularly breaking things. There's no doors on upstairs, chunk out of the cistern lid for example thanks to him, those things were also my fault.
• Being accused of sleeping with his dad. No idea why.
• Being yelled at, sworn at, told to F off and die because I put his toothbrush away or something similar
• Have had birthdays and Christmas ruined for no reason
• Been told I need to lose weight and look less embarrassing
• Been spoken down to in front of his parents in a way I could tell they were uncomfortable with.
• Being unable to go for a bath for example as it's not worth the questions of who I am trying to impress

There's a lot more too, basically everything is always my fault. I asked the doctor if I could be depressed, she asked me what was happening in my life. She listened, paused and then said 'sweeyheart, you aren't depressed, you're in an abusive relationship'.

I am the main earner, there are no children but I can't get out just yet as there is a lot needs doing to the house (I've got a very partially completed kitchen for example which he started 18 months ago and hasn't done anything on it since, something else that's my fault apparently. I didn't even want the kitchen replaced). I have realised now that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life. This makes me sound pathetic but I've been worn down for years. I am intelligent and earning £30k in a job I enjoy. We don't have any savings and we do have some debt due to his spending habits.

So...this brings me to the first step of becoming free. I got a performance bonus at work of £500. I normally would have told him straight away and he would have instantly found some playstation games etc that he just had to have and I would have ended up with nothing, but this time I have kept it quiet and put it in a separate online account that he has no access to.

Shhh but this is the beginning of my escape fund 😊 I haven't felt so in control for years. At 42, I am regaining control of my life. Shhh.

Once I've saved it i meant.

You mention you pay for online shopping, buy things on Amazon etc. I use Quidco, all online shopping can earn you money. Literally you just log on via the quidco website and your Amazon, house insurance etc could all be earning you cash back.

if you aren’t married and have no kids, get out of there asap! Don’t wait, the house can be for ace to be sold, escaping domestic violence you will be higher up the social housing list and again womens aid can offer support and advice

I might have to change my username, it turns out fish and chips smell rank when you aren't eating any.

I'm looking forward to being able to burn my soy wax melts whenever I want without being called an arsehole for affecting his asthma. I should point out that things only ever affect his asthma when it suits him. I love to sprinkle sweet orange essential oil onto the kitchen floor before I use the steam mop. As orange is my favourite smell of all (its all my mother craved when she was pregnant!), that now suddenly in the past few monthe affects his asthma when it never has for all these years before.

^ I was wondering if anyone had mentioned this. Brilliant scheme, they can arrange fostering temporarily while you get out and until you have suitable accommodation.

Wow, I love reading your comments OP. Not about how shitty is he (and will always be! ) but in how resolute you are and how you know you’ll be free. Small steps, small victories every day now xx

Thank you. I may have just ordered a new novel to test out Quidco. Thank you for suggesting it. It never occurred to me.

I don't spend a lot on myself but books allow me to escape even for a short time.

Good luck @FishChipsMushyPeas , and I am so relieved that you have got so much good advice especially from @gingerandsmall and @AwkwardPaws27 so when you are ready (hope it's soon, just because you deserve so much better) you can get you and your pets to safety 💐

Thank you. I am so glad I started posting and for everyone that has offered me support and advice. I'm closing down quidco for the evening or I'll be into that fund sharpish.

Does your joint account have an overdraft?
if it does, shut it down so he can’t rack it up. You’re jointly and solely responsible for it. So he can take the money and they chase you for it.

bitter experience on that one

I think all these comments are great and supportive but I could go one step further and ask are you ready to report him to the police for coercive control? Not being allowed out apart from to the office is going to make planning to leave very difficult. If you reach out for support from womens aid and the police, they will help you leave him TODAY. Playing the long game can be dangerous, it's not always the right thing to do. With no marriage and no kids, you could be free much more quickly and he can face the consequences of his actions not you.

No it doesn't. He doesn't even know where his card for the account is I don't think. As I get paid at the end of the month and him in the middle, I have staggered when the bills go out so there ends up only really being money for shopping/petrol in there at any one time anyway.

He works out of the home mon-fri so he's out 8-5 those days. I work full time too Mon-Fri but WFH 3 days and in the office for 2. On one of my WFH days is when I'll do it.

I don't particularly want to involve the police, we live in a rural place where the police aren't really up to speed with new law changes so I worry if I reported him now, I'll end up right back here after being told its a domestic dispute. That's not a risk I would like to take if that makes sense.

Good.
I got stung for 5k that way.

@bumpytrumpy ia completely correct. This is coercive control, now a crime. And I bet the things you’ve told us, and the things you’ve recognised are minimal compared to the day to day life you live. I’m years down the line and I still remember things I’d forgotten.

Could either of you buy the other one out? Or do you have to sell?

Before anyone jumps on me for abusing WFH and being the reason employers want people back in, i would put leave in he just wouldn't know I had. I haven't been using much leave recently as I haven't needed it so I've got plenty.

No we'd have to sell. It's a shame as I love this little house but I need somewhere that's only ever been mine I think.

@VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji that's awful

All good apart from the last line - what good can possibly come from winding up an abuser?!

No one’s going to jump on you xxxx

Thank you Vegetables. Its a reflex from constantly walking on eggshells i think.

There is no plausible reason I can think of that would explain a second job, particularly if it would require me to be out of the house.

It could be the few glasses of bubbly I've had today but I think you are bloody wonderful! No, it's not the bubbly and I don't think, I know you are bloody wonderful!

Ok. Having to sell is going to be tricky as there’s three options.
a) sell it unoccupied
B) sell it with one occupant
C) live together whilst you sell it.

im assuming he’s going to make it all very difficult to sell.

does he have another place to stay?

in my instance we tried C, obviously did not end well. Eventually I lived there whilst we tried to sell it, he used to randomly pop up to check up on me (and try it on, which I’m ashamed to say I complied to keep the peace) and blocked a few sale attempts.

I did get a solicitors advice, I couldn’t block him from coming into the house as I would be denying him an asset, so I couldn’t change locks. I could add a lock for my safety. I also had to pay the entire interest element of the mortgage.

i am wondering if reporting to the police would gain some power back over the occupancy whilst the house is for sale? I know you don’t want to, but it’s something worth exploring

Use that £500 to get some legal advice and start planning your escape.

I wouldn't spend too much time or money fixing the house, just sell it as it is and split the proceeds.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

you’ve been awesome today and taken a big step. Cut yourself some slack, you have to do what you’ve had to do to survive. And that’s what egg shells are, a gut reaction to keep you safe, to appease.

i still feel the eggshells now, and my dh couldn’t give a shit about most things. That pit of your tummy “shit, I’ve been too long”, I do still get it. Dh couldn’t care less though. It’s conditioning control.

Ok so you have 8-5 x 3 days a week when he's out of the house? What do you normally do with that time?

You can go to the police then, get an estate agent round, move out precious things etc. phone womens aid first thing next week when he's gone to work.