I have taken the first step to becoming free...

[FishChipsMushyPeas]

My partner of 21 years is volatile and emotionally abusive. I have only realised it since starting to read MN. I feel so stupid writing this down but here are just a few choice highlights of how I've been living:

• Ignored for vast periods at a time because I have done something like not ask if he was OK enough times (apparently I was supposed to keep asking until he told me rather than accepting it when he said nothing was wrong) and then not checking on him properly when he was ignoring me to prove I care.
• Always being accused of cheating because I took 5 mins longer to get to work from the bus than I should have for example.
• Not being allowed to take more than 3 mins to reply to a text
• Being expected to do all the housework and cooking despite us both working full time and then being told my attitude stinks if I don't do it to his standard. This is despite him regularly breaking things. There's no doors on upstairs, chunk out of the cistern lid for example thanks to him, those things were also my fault.
• Being accused of sleeping with his dad. No idea why.
• Being yelled at, sworn at, told to F off and die because I put his toothbrush away or something similar
• Have had birthdays and Christmas ruined for no reason
• Been told I need to lose weight and look less embarrassing
• Been spoken down to in front of his parents in a way I could tell they were uncomfortable with.
• Being unable to go for a bath for example as it's not worth the questions of who I am trying to impress

There's a lot more too, basically everything is always my fault. I asked the doctor if I could be depressed, she asked me what was happening in my life. She listened, paused and then said 'sweeyheart, you aren't depressed, you're in an abusive relationship'.

I am the main earner, there are no children but I can't get out just yet as there is a lot needs doing to the house (I've got a very partially completed kitchen for example which he started 18 months ago and hasn't done anything on it since, something else that's my fault apparently. I didn't even want the kitchen replaced). I have realised now that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life. This makes me sound pathetic but I've been worn down for years. I am intelligent and earning £30k in a job I enjoy. We don't have any savings and we do have some debt due to his spending habits.

So...this brings me to the first step of becoming free. I got a performance bonus at work of £500. I normally would have told him straight away and he would have instantly found some playstation games etc that he just had to have and I would have ended up with nothing, but this time I have kept it quiet and put it in a separate online account that he has no access to.

Shhh but this is the beginning of my escape fund 😊 I haven't felt so in control for years. At 42, I am regaining control of my life. Shhh.

I've just opened in incognito tab on my tablet and started looking for furniture etc! I'll be able to pick what I want without being chastised for my 'awful' taste.

It's all for the future of course but still exciting

Thank God you're not married to this man. Are the debts in your name?

You sound very switched on and strong during this awful time, I know that you will absolutely flourish once you are free. All the very best 💐

congratulations from someone who made it out the other side.
it’s beautiful here, I can pick and choose what I want. I don’t live in silence and if I get side tracked in the shops I don’t get accused of affairs.

just please be careful with your phone, he will notice the change in you and will want to check up. I used to keep my docs in my car boot, if that’s safe for you?

Post away and well done. Just be aware that if you are on your phone a bit more he may take offence at that so keep to your normal habits!

can you confide in anyone at work? I’m just thinking they may be able to help with practical stuff - my old employer had counselling services, and a benevolent fund. They would have really supported someone in this situation with practical help and advice and maybe letting have lunch breaks a bit mixed up to have solicitors appts etc xx

Some cards in my name, some in his. That's why Im desperate to get as much as possible for the house sale so I can pay off what's in my name and still leave me with a deposit to buy elsewhere if possible. I'll play it by ear and if it becomes impossible to continue living here then I'll have to rethink.

The fivers will help, but so would diverting a couple of hundred from your salary. You can arrange to have all the salary transferred to your new account and then from there, transfer some of it, if you want to.

how do you feel about temporarily getting another job? What would happen if you said “I’m saving up to leave you, you fucking toe-rag.”

Thank you for saying this 😚

Can I also say hello from the other side. It is magnificent.

I could have written most of your post myself, this was me 2.5 years ago only in lockdown with a baby too. For what it might be worth here are some things I've learned:

As others have said contact your local women's aid. Do this first as they may be able to suggest a solicitor in your area who specialises in DV and gives initial free advice.

Don't underestimate how much these men pick up on the smallest changes in your behaviour so be prepared to leave at short notice if necessary.

Houses sell with half done kitchens, damp, doors missing. Don't use that as a reason to stay.

Start to act as if he's 10x times more dangerous than you believe and use this mindset to anticipate every shitty thing he might do to you. Change all your passwords. Take photos of your documents and his. Be prepared to move any joint money as you leave - my ex drained our account within an hour. Tell mortgage company no changes without both your consent.

If you can, discreetly record conversations/arguments as evidence - you never know when you'll need it and he will 100% deny anything and everything once you leave.

If he does anything at all that is violent/abusive towards you ring the police non-emergency number and report it so they can flag your house/put you in touch with the local domestic violence team.

Good luck xxx

I would set up a new secret email address, then scan and email all important documents to that address if you can.

Good luck - you got this.

Well done to you OP

We jointly own the house so I will get some legal advice when I can afford it. I know neither of us can throw the other one out and I'm worried if I did leave if he would smash it up and reduce its value further

This is 1 of those times I think fuck it, bricks & mortar that'll be here long after you've gone aren't worth putting your 1 life on hold for. I may have thought it worth it years ago but now older I know - it isn't. Peace of mind, the freedom to be you, whatever you choose to do, is worth so much more.

Look forward to being free from this misery causing brute, and the house being amongst other things he will try to hold you hostage to, but won't be able to.

@Wellillsayitifnooneelsewill I'm on my tablet that I have the kindle app on so he's used to me using it a lot. I wouldn't dare use my phone.

My salary is paid into my personal account and then I transfer to a joint account for bills so I'll squirrel away what I can. It won't be noticed, I've never gone in for the whole all finances shared thing. Thank God.

Thank you for the welcomes from the other side. I can't wait. I had palpitations on the bus the other day coming back from the office as we were stuck in traffic. Not ideal when you already have high blood pressure to be honest.

A few years ago a poster was given in depth advice about preparing to leave her horrible husband. If you can find it her name was coatsprotection league. It all started with a bath selfie I think.

You are a woman of strength. You can do this.

Oh, well done. Keep on tucking money away whenever you can, it will give you confidence and a feeling of security while you make plans.

It's really not worth staying because of the state of the house. I can't see how the circumstances would arise to ever get it fixed, so don't be trapped by that. If you can leave, do take photographs to documented the condition it was when you left, in case that's useful in future. Good luck to you.

Thank you @Isthisexpected and everyone else. Im not taking it all in at the moment but believe me I'm drinking it all in.

Good luck OP! We're all rooting for you.

Keep your strength Op, wishing you the best of everything, you deserve so much more.

Just wanted to say you are an inspiration, @FishChipsMushyPeas

Onward and upward, you have the rest of your life ahead of you

Your doctor is right. I wish you all the best! Small steps, it will all work out in the end xx

If the house is important in this, and there are any days you know he'll be out (does he work?), I would arrange an estate agent valuation asap. After they've come round they'll send you the valuation, normally in the post (but I'm sure you could ask if you can collect it instead) - then you'll have proof of how much it's currently worth, in case he does smash it up, as you fear. You won't be the first divorcing couple they're dealt with.

Good luck - you deserve to be loved, cherished and supported.

This, 100%. Be very careful. Change passwords frequently on your phone, tablet, laptop. Don’t ever leave them open where he can see your history.
Even notifications on your phone eg I get you have spent £x at Tesco, or you have transferred £x to account 1234, minutes after using my card. Change these if you have them so you have to open the phone to read.
Photocopy, or photograph important papers so you have copies. Store stuff at work if you have to.
Speak to Women’sAid any time you need advice or support. Stay safe.

Fantastic well done you . You deserve so much more than what you've described and have a whole new happy life to look forward to .

You have friends on here, Fish. ❤

Oh OP, please don’t put up with this anymore. You can do this 😘