I have taken the first step to becoming free...

[FishChipsMushyPeas]

My partner of 21 years is volatile and emotionally abusive. I have only realised it since starting to read MN. I feel so stupid writing this down but here are just a few choice highlights of how I've been living:

• Ignored for vast periods at a time because I have done something like not ask if he was OK enough times (apparently I was supposed to keep asking until he told me rather than accepting it when he said nothing was wrong) and then not checking on him properly when he was ignoring me to prove I care.
• Always being accused of cheating because I took 5 mins longer to get to work from the bus than I should have for example.
• Not being allowed to take more than 3 mins to reply to a text
• Being expected to do all the housework and cooking despite us both working full time and then being told my attitude stinks if I don't do it to his standard. This is despite him regularly breaking things. There's no doors on upstairs, chunk out of the cistern lid for example thanks to him, those things were also my fault.
• Being accused of sleeping with his dad. No idea why.
• Being yelled at, sworn at, told to F off and die because I put his toothbrush away or something similar
• Have had birthdays and Christmas ruined for no reason
• Been told I need to lose weight and look less embarrassing
• Been spoken down to in front of his parents in a way I could tell they were uncomfortable with.
• Being unable to go for a bath for example as it's not worth the questions of who I am trying to impress

There's a lot more too, basically everything is always my fault. I asked the doctor if I could be depressed, she asked me what was happening in my life. She listened, paused and then said 'sweeyheart, you aren't depressed, you're in an abusive relationship'.

I am the main earner, there are no children but I can't get out just yet as there is a lot needs doing to the house (I've got a very partially completed kitchen for example which he started 18 months ago and hasn't done anything on it since, something else that's my fault apparently. I didn't even want the kitchen replaced). I have realised now that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life. This makes me sound pathetic but I've been worn down for years. I am intelligent and earning £30k in a job I enjoy. We don't have any savings and we do have some debt due to his spending habits.

So...this brings me to the first step of becoming free. I got a performance bonus at work of £500. I normally would have told him straight away and he would have instantly found some playstation games etc that he just had to have and I would have ended up with nothing, but this time I have kept it quiet and put it in a separate online account that he has no access to.

Shhh but this is the beginning of my escape fund 😊 I haven't felt so in control for years. At 42, I am regaining control of my life. Shhh.

@FishChipsMushyPeas

Well done OP, upthread, a pp commented that storage costs, re documents etc cost £5, 2 years ago I hired 16 fee of storage space, the equivalent of a double wardrobe in size, costing £48 per month, mostly due to insurance ( Safe Storage UK) Any treasured possessions, bedding and pans, crocks etc can be sneaked away bit by bit and stored safely. Best wishes for you plans, and remember to delete your search history.

16 feet, not fee !

God you've set me off again! 😭

Seriously though, i appreciate all your comments everyone and that you have taken the time to read and write a response. I wish I could reply to everyone individually.

I don't have any notifications on my phone other than for his messages that way he isn't weird if my phone vibrates at any time. It also stops me from being messaged by my team when I'm not at work. That makes me sound awful I know!

I've sent for an asda Christmas saver card. I thought I can top it up as and when and have money for my first lot of groceries when the time comes. I'm thinking with a clarity I don't think I have had for a very long time.

This is really exciting for you OP. As others have said - be careful. Congratulations on your up coming new, happy, free, safe life. X

So glad you've made the decision , please come back and keep us updated. Some very wise women on here who have done exactly this.
If you have to leave before selling there are places that will foster your dogs.
Good luck 😉

Actually I have thought of 1 thing that I would want to protect - I cross stitched a christmas stocking a few years ago. I love it and it took me over 2 years to complete. I would be devasted if something happened to it because of the work I put in. I'll need to think of a way to get that out somehow. I can picture it hanging in my new home.

Congrats Lovely!
You are an inspiration and it’s brilliant that you’re sharing your journey on here, so other people can also begin to see through the fog that they may also be suffering through.

Most importantly, move in silence.
Only confide in friends and family that you know that you can absolutely trust and won’t leak your exit plans. You may need to lean on them for support during the months ahead and they may be able to assist you to leave quicker.

Definitely contact Women’s Aid ASAP so you can clue yourself up further and get an airtight exit plan together.

No need to print out documents to stash at work or other people’s homes, as most documents can be stored electronically. If necessary, store documents at work in your locker, at the gym or rent a secure locker/space elsewhere.

Good advice already given about seeking support via your employer. Many employers have access to counselling services and general advice re. fleeing DV for their employees.

An unfinished kitchen is not a biggie in the grand scheme of things. As a pp said take photos of the current condition of the house and forget about it.
He sounds dangerous, so I think you need to consider moving out a lot sooner than you’re currently considering.
Your happiness, peace of mind and Mental Health is much much more important and precious.

Well done for keeping your own bank account and for not legally connecting yourself to sorry excuse of a human being through marriage.

You’ll be fine. You’ve finally seen the light and you’ve clearly got your head screwed on right. Keep going. All the best. You definitely have a happier future ahead 🍀

Not sure if anyone else has posted this but the Dogs Trust offer fostering for pets of people fleeing abusive relationships. Just in case it makes it easier to leave. www.dogstrust.org.uk/how-we-help/freedom-project
I had to leave my dog behind and wish I'd known about this service back then.

Thank you for those that mentioned about the dogs, they are so much more relaxed when he isn't here too. They sleep on the sofa with me at night. Shhh though, that isn't allowed unless he's doing it.

I do have access to counselling services etc through work, I'm not ready to talk about it properly yet but I will be soon. I feel like someone blew away the fog today and I could actually see clearly. I don't know what's different about today.

How do you do your grocery shopping, FishChipsMushyPeas?

I'm trying to think of ways you can perhaps squirrel aside more money for your escape fund without him realising.

Assuming that you do the supermarket shopping yourself, in-store and he doesnt go with you, one way might be to ask for cash back every time you pay for your groceries - as far as I know, there would be nothing on the bank statement to show that you had done that (there certainly wasn't when I did this), so he should be none the wiser if you only take maybe £10 - £20 at a time this way, as long as you are very careful to destroy/ get rid of the actual till receipt before you go home.

Good luck.

Op you are a star well done and get that bonus in a safe account well done on it. On wards and upwards now get as much help as you can, get documents safe as well. the cashback is an excellent idea preferable to do while at work if you can.

Well done from another escapee. Life is so much happier on the other side. Can you get someone in to fix the worst of the DIY? I took a massive hit on my house sale (£100k), I'd do it again though just to be shot of him. Impoverished and happy is way better than being chained to him.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

https://outofthefog.website/

www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#know-when-to-use-it

Refuge (24hr Helpline)0808 2000 247

We fled overnight following a hospital visit at the start of my GCSE’s. We stayed in a refuge for a few months until my Mum was able to sort things out. Luckily, my Mum was also still working and also had a toddler in tow. Women’s Aid and Refuge were amazing resources of support way back then and still are today.
Again, you’ll be fine.

I get my shopping delivered, I don't drive due to a medical condition and if he went with me he would be tossing random things into the trolley like a child does. It was more expensive and I hate packing the shopping into bags only to unpack again at home so with deliveries I only have to do it once. I do most of my shopping online, Amazon, World of books etc. I only really leave the house to go to the office twice a week (I have to message when I am leaving the house, on the bus, when I get to work and the same for the way back) although I do go to the corner shop sometimes. I wonder if they do cashback? Although they do have a cashpoint so I could take some cash out there thinking about it.

He cannot cook anything so has just ordered himself only a takeaway. Hasn't asked if I'd like anything but I can hear him choking upstairs on it. I'm not going to pretend I haven't just snorted to the dogs.

@FishChipsMushyPeas

Domestic Abuse - cover your tracks online
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/ 

Leaving the relationship safely
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/ 

Where to get help
www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help 

In danger?
Call 999. Teach children how to do this.

How to call the police when you can’t speak
www.policeconduct.gov.uk/sites/default/files/Documents/research-learning/Silent_solution_guide.pdf 

Legal Aid
www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

In terms of taking cash out, although we have a joint account he doesn't access it at all, we both transfer into it and I sort the bills, shopping, petrol etc from there. Of course if he senses I am up to something he might decide to get internet banking for it. He banks with a different bank so it doesn't show up on his Internet banking if that makes sense. I'll still need to be careful I think.

@Reply2fishchipsmushypeas thank you x

Well done OP ! You have a lot to look forward to once you're rid of this useless a**hole. I am single by choice and I can't tell you how nice it is to have all of that freedom, and only your own mess to worry about rather than someone else's !

Where is your salary paid ? Is it a joint account ? You'll have to change that as soon as you tell him you're breaking up, but make sure you're safe first.

About the kitchen - is he actually going to fix it ? Or is it just another way to control you ? It may be worth sucking up the loss in value and sell as it is, unless you can afford someone else to do it for you. You have to weigh the added value against the cost and against the personal cost to yourself to delay your escape further.

What a horrid excuse for a human he is OP. I'm so glad you are making steps to move onwards and upwards.

@Jadviga my salary is paid into my personal account and then I transfer into a joint account for bills. Im so glad I insisted on this now. I'm not sure why I did as he wasnt anything like as unbearable then as he is now. I wonder if I sensed then that I wouldn't be able to access money myself if it was shared. I can imagine there being some reason I suddenly wouldn't be able to access it or something so I'm pleased about that.

Oh and guess what takeaway he has had delivered? Yup, my fave fish and chips. That's harsh.

❤️

@FishChipsMushyPeas - this man absolutely hates you.

I don’t say this to be unkind. Quite the opposite.

I say it to (further) help the scales fall from your eyes.

You will be doing him a massive favour by leaving. Given he loathes you so much, he will surely be so happy to see the back of you.

Only then will he realise he completely and utterly depends on you, and your leaving is entirely down to his behaviour. These men are so unbelievably stupid.

Your happy life is within your grasp. Keep posting - the support is here.

Haven't read the full thread but wanted to just say as a stranger how proud I am of you. I've been in a volatile relationship in the past and the feeling of freedom is like nothing else.
You'll look back and realise it's the best thing you've done but please don't stay right now if it's not safe for you to do so

By the way OP, if you do end up looking for a rental property don't be put off by 'no pets' in estate agents listings. They just seem to put that as standard but lots of landlords will consider pets if you ask them.

Really? All the listings ive seen say no smokers or pets. I don't smoke (who could afford to nowadays?). I would pay a bigger deposit if they wanted me to, once I've got it of course.