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Original poster

I have taken the first step to becoming free...

139 replies

FishChipsMushyPeas · 26/03/2023 18:29

My partner of 21 years is volatile and emotionally abusive. I have only realised it since starting to read MN. I feel so stupid writing this down but here are just a few choice highlights of how I've been living:

  • Ignored for vast periods at a time because I have done something like not ask if he was OK enough times (apparently I was supposed to keep asking until he told me rather than accepting it when he said nothing was wrong) and then not checking on him properly when he was ignoring me to prove I care.
  • Always being accused of cheating because I took 5 mins longer to get to work from the bus than I should have for example.
  • Not being allowed to take more than 3 mins to reply to a text
  • Being expected to do all the housework and cooking despite us both working full time and then being told my attitude stinks if I don't do it to his standard. This is despite him regularly breaking things. There's no doors on upstairs, chunk out of the cistern lid for example thanks to him, those things were also my fault.
  • Being accused of sleeping with his dad. No idea why.
  • Being yelled at, sworn at, told to F off and die because I put his toothbrush away or something similar
  • Have had birthdays and Christmas ruined for no reason
  • Been told I need to lose weight and look less embarrassing
  • Been spoken down to in front of his parents in a way I could tell they were uncomfortable with.
  • Being unable to go for a bath for example as it's not worth the questions of who I am trying to impress

There's a lot more too, basically everything is always my fault. I asked the doctor if I could be depressed, she asked me what was happening in my life. She listened, paused and then said 'sweeyheart, you aren't depressed, you're in an abusive relationship'.

I am the main earner, there are no children but I can't get out just yet as there is a lot needs doing to the house (I've got a very partially completed kitchen for example which he started 18 months ago and hasn't done anything on it since, something else that's my fault apparently. I didn't even want the kitchen replaced). I have realised now that this isn't how I want to spend the rest of my life. This makes me sound pathetic but I've been worn down for years. I am intelligent and earning £30k in a job I enjoy. We don't have any savings and we do have some debt due to his spending habits.

So...this brings me to the first step of becoming free. I got a performance bonus at work of £500. I normally would have told him straight away and he would have instantly found some playstation games etc that he just had to have and I would have ended up with nothing, but this time I have kept it quiet and put it in a separate online account that he has no access to.

Shhh but this is the beginning of my escape fund 😊 I haven't felt so in control for years. At 42, I am regaining control of my life. Shhh.

OP posts:
Moononarooftop · 26/03/2023 22:21

Just letting you know … If he has access to your emails he can see your alerts to people replying to this post and snippets of it …. X

LeavesOnTrees · 26/03/2023 22:26

That's great you're leaving him.
I wish you all the best.

I also don't think you should wait for the kitchen, the new owners would prob want to put their own in anyway.
You can get a court order for the sale of the house as part of your divorce.

I had a family member who rented with a dog, she found a flat by explaining it was a well trained small dog and got a ground floor flat with a garden.
It might take a bit longer but it is possible.

Do you have anywhere you can go in an emergency if he gets violent ? Has he ever been violent ?

Original poster
FishChipsMushyPeas · 26/03/2023 22:28

bumpytrumpy · 26/03/2023 22:20

Ok so you have 8-5 x 3 days a week when he's out of the house? What do you normally do with that time?

You can go to the police then, get an estate agent round, move out precious things etc. phone womens aid first thing next week when he's gone to work.

What do I normally do with that time? Er, I work 🙃 I manage team leaders so it would be noticed if I disappeared for a while. I'm not one of those out of sight, out of mind people when WFH, I'm very visible unfortunately. I'm also in about 8 billion teams meetings a day.

That made me smile @whatausername I hoped you enjoyed your bubbles.

Thanks for all your support today everyone and it does feel a big step @VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji. I'm going to retire for the evening with my boys. That's one advantage to being ignored, I can actually choose my own bedtime.

OP posts:
MissMarplesbag · 26/03/2023 22:28

bumpytrumpy · 26/03/2023 22:20

Ok so you have 8-5 x 3 days a week when he's out of the house? What do you normally do with that time?

You can go to the police then, get an estate agent round, move out precious things etc. phone womens aid first thing next week when he's gone to work.

As above. Also, sell off any old unwanted items and put the money in the bank. Start preparing to leave the relationship and give yourself a deadline of 3 months so you can enjoy the summer as a free person.

Original poster
FishChipsMushyPeas · 26/03/2023 22:29

Moononarooftop · 26/03/2023 22:21

Just letting you know … If he has access to your emails he can see your alerts to people replying to this post and snippets of it …. X

Thank you. He can't. I am always forgetting passwords so I am constantly resetting them too.

OP posts:
MaraScottie · 26/03/2023 22:30

Maybe you can take a couple of days of annual leave on the sly? And get all the bits done when he's out at work.

Stay strong OP, you sound amazing. Nearly there. ...

Unsure33 · 26/03/2023 22:39

I hope you get some free legal advice soon and I too would not worry about the kitchen as you will have to pay money to get it finished , so just reduce the price of the house ? You need a fresh start ASAP .
💐

FlamingoQueen · 26/03/2023 22:43

Good luck Flowers

legofrostqueen · 26/03/2023 22:59

Rooting for you, take care & check in here for support Flowers

Whatisthisanyidea · 26/03/2023 23:23

Just a thought, do you have any work related pensions? If you look some are accessible once you leave their employment and my give you enough savings to rent a home - when yours is sold you can put some back - but why not use it if you need it now?

Pipsquiggle · 27/03/2023 06:59

Good luck OP

Please keep yourself safe. Could you contact Women's Aid who will have lots of experience of people in your situation

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 27/03/2023 08:22

I just want to say a huge well done for taking these steps. Your partner is coercivly controlling you, which is against the new laws brought in, as others have already said. If you phone your main local police station and ask to speak to their domestic violence/abuse team, they should have officers trained in this. Please contact women's aid too as they can do safety planning with you and give you advice about an exit strategy. They may also have links with kennels who can foster your dogs while you get sorted if you do need to flee.

Gerwurtztraminer · 27/03/2023 16:34

OP as you can tell many posters are concerned for your saftely - it makes me feel anxious just thinking about the risks you are having to take in preparing to leave. Please consider going sooner rather than later. Get advice from Womens Aid when you are in next in the office and can call them freely in your lunchbreak. (I wouldn't even call from home on his day out, just in case).

  • Kitchen - he won't fix it . Face it. Besides, lots of buyers will not mind a half done/doer upper as kitchens are very much personal taste anyway and some will prefer to put their own in.
  • House price - better to be out of there with a slightly lower sale price than in the situation you are in.
  • He'll trash the place - well maybe but surely he'll realise that means HE gets less money from the sale as well? Which you can point out from a safe distance
  • Dogs - fostering as others have mentioned
  • Money - even a little nest egg is better than nothing and if you go to a refuge or a friends place for a bit, your salary will be all yours at that point.
  • Police - please report. Ask Women's Aid for advice on what to say and the legal stuff to refer them to if you are worried. Just go in to the station and ask for someone knowledgeable in coervice control. Don't agree to go back to the house with him in it. Ask for a marker on wherever you are staying and the house in case anything kicks off, so any call to them will be prioritised.

You do sound strong but it's still not safe to stay any longer than you have to. Please leave asap. Good luck.

SleekMamma · 28/03/2023 00:03

If you were in my team I'd let you have time off to get your stuff together so you safely leave asap.
You should tell your boss or HR.
People will help you.

Original poster
FishChipsMushyPeas · 31/03/2023 15:05

Hi everyone

I just wanted to pop back on and say how much I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read my messages and respond. I appreciate it so much.

If any of you have ever been through something similar, is it normal that you question yourself as though it maybe IS all your fault? The rational part of my brain knows it isnt all my fault but I am very much second guessing myself as I am processing though my feelings.

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 31/03/2023 16:57

Yes OP it is absolutely normal to be questioning yourself. You are subconsciously double checking that you are correct and querying with yourself why its taken so long to realise.

Then you will naturally think about your contribution and reaction to situations.

You'll evaluate if comments he made are correct. Just know this OP....its not your doing, you are just processing everything and there will be a lot to process. You are absolutely right to extract yourself from this situation. He knows his behaviour is unacceptable. You deserve so much more and can have such a happier life. You were not put on this earth to experience such treatment. Free yourself from it and allow what you truly deserve to find you x

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 01/04/2023 14:50

Yes, it took a long time to get all of my brain to accept that stuff wasn't down to me. I think when you've been in that situation for a while it does take time to process things. Give it time and run things past a trusted friend if some of the thoughts refuse to budge.

BlackisKing · 08/04/2023 13:21

He has programmed you to put him first and so putting yourself first will not feel comfortable - push through it as best you can OP, precious freedom is on the other side.

Hullothereitsme · 08/04/2023 13:25

Well done. Be careful about your posting history in case he can access your phone though. Strength👊

PurpleReindeer2 · 08/04/2023 14:00

Take care OP and get some support IRL. Get out as soon as you can. Keep safe and best wishes xxx

Original poster
FishChipsMushyPeas · 08/04/2023 15:58

BlackisKing · 08/04/2023 13:21

He has programmed you to put him first and so putting yourself first will not feel comfortable - push through it as best you can OP, precious freedom is on the other side.

Thanks all, I appreciate your support so much. More than you can know in fact. @BlackisKing you are bang on.

Little update - he demanded to know why when he looks at my face he can't trust me. I was like 'it's my face, there's literally nothing else I can do with it'. He has said this in the past too. He was a bit sulky and weird the rest of the evening. The next night I had repeatedly asked him if he was OK as he was stressed with work. One of his rules is that I have to keep asking and asking if he is OK even when he has told me he isn't. That apparently proves I care. Because it's nonsensical to me that you keep asking someone if they are OK even after they told you they aren't, I was settled watching a show and he suddenly went 'why are you lying to me? It's half an hour since you last checked' and started yelling that he hates me, storms off upstairs, banging about. This is the pattern, that he does this and goes straight upstairs after work the next day and I have to keep knocking to see if he's ready to forgive and talk to me. This can honestly go on for days. I'm also not allowed to knock to try to talk to him after having gone to the loo first. That shows I don't care enough too apparently. BUT I'm embarrassed to say that I just haven't tried to talk to him at all this time. I'm just too tired to play these games now. It's been a few days and we haven't spoken at all. I know that makes me sound childish but I just can't do it. I've moved on mentally to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
FishChipsMushyPeas · 08/04/2023 16:03

Also I was at the shop near my home the other day and saw some lovely bunches of daffs for like a quid a bunch. I would have loved to have grabbed some but I couldn't as he wouldn't believe I had bought them myself. That memory is upsetting me to be honest. What a way to live. I think i am an intelligent woman (postgraduate degree), how did this become my life?

OP posts:
NaturalBae · 08/04/2023 16:28

You can change your life for the better.

It’s good to see that you’re continuing to disengage from his abusive control.

Have you managed to work out a rough end date for the last time you’ll set eyes on him?

NotRightNowNo · 08/04/2023 16:49

Stay safe OP. Be prepared to leave if you need to before your ideal date, it sounds like he is suspicious. All the things that haven't gone to plan can be sorted, as long as you're safe.

Always4Brenner · 08/04/2023 17:22

Op please go as soon as you can this isn’t your fault any of it. All the best hugs.

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