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Original poster

Should I put partner on birth certificate

137 replies

Cakebake03 · 26/03/2023 13:14

So I’m 38 weeks pregnant me and the father of the baby are no longer together. He hasn’t been abusive or overly awful but he hasn’t done anything for the baby like literally only spent £50 on him the past 9 months . He has been uninterested and also tries to put rules on how often our baby has too see other people and his family. I’m worried about giving him parental responsibility and him leaving my baby with his mum as she is very abusive and lets people smoke in the house. His family aren’t Particularly caring and neither is he. my biggest fear is that he will take the baby for days at a time and my baby will be In a stressful environment. He can see the baby everyday and come over whenever he wants I just don’t know if it is smart to give him legal responsibility.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/03/2023 16:12

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 16:10

Not having the name on the birth certificate is not the same as not knowing who your father is.

Exactly.

OP's child will know who their father is, because he's going to have contact if he wants it and she'll tell her child.

Not having it written down on the certificate doesn't erase reality.

Soontobe60 · 26/03/2023 16:13

Cakebake03 · 26/03/2023 15:55

I do intend on breastfeeding, I’m not a psycho who wants full control just want my baby to be safe! I would love more than anything for him to step up, be a great dad and we can both put up boundaries, but he seems to think I have no right or say in anything.

You think that he doesn’t have any rights or say. You’re both wrong to a degree. He has the right to have his name on the birth certificate, you cannot prevent it happening although you can make it difficult. More importantly though, everyone has the right to know who both their parents are. You’re intending to prevent this.
He has the right to see his child unless the courts decide otherwise. So far, it doesn’t sound like he’s done anything that would stop the courts from giving him parental rights and access.
Im afraid it sounds like you DO want full control. Not a great start in life for your baby.

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 16:13

And there are plenty of XPs and XHs who are on the cert and don’t visit or pay CMS!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3rd trimester Families Family law General pregnancy
Soontobe60 · 26/03/2023 16:14

category12 · 26/03/2023 16:12

Exactly.

OP's child will know who their father is, because he's going to have contact if he wants it and she'll tell her child.

Not having it written down on the certificate doesn't erase reality.

Show quote history

However, what it does do is to signal to that child that their mother didn’t want their father to be involved in its life. That never ends well.

davegrohll · 26/03/2023 16:15

Cakebake03 · 26/03/2023 15:36

I am not using my child as a weapon I’m thinking of his safety and well being as I have said the dad has only contributed £50 towards this baby. He has said that I don’t have any say in who he takes the baby to and who he leaves the baby with including his mother who is ABUSIVE. Has already said that he will not ask people to stop smoking in the house when baby is there as it is there choice too smoke. He hasn’ bothered learning anything about parenting, is planning to go on a lads holiday the month of his birth yet has refused to buy anything for my baby. He has cheated on me with my friend, left me crying in middle of the street after begging him too talk things through. Left me whilst walking home because I threw up in my first trimester and was angry that I couldn’t wait till we got home and didn’t speak to me for hours. I have said that he can stay over on weekend and see baby whenever he wants, everyday and any time of day he can come and see baby and told him that we can work on being best friends for our son. If putting my sons safety before this man who has been uninterested the past 9 months makes me a bad mother than so be it

Op you said he hadn't been awful - this stuff seems pretty awful ! Why not mention it all earlier on !

category12 · 26/03/2023 16:16

More importantly though, everyone has the right to know who both their parents are.

She's not intending to hide who the child's father is from them. She's said repeatedly he can have contact with the child. Why on earth do you think a bit of paper is more important than the child's contact with their dad, growing up knowing who he is?! Barmy.

category12 · 26/03/2023 16:18

Soontobe60 · 26/03/2023 16:14

However, what it does do is to signal to that child that their mother didn’t want their father to be involved in its life. That never ends well.

Show quote history

Or that he couldn't be arsed to turn up to register the birth.

And she is open to the father having contact with the child, so frankly your reasoning is flawed. If he wants to be involved and is a decent dad, the child will know him as such.

Daisybee6 · 26/03/2023 16:19

davegrohll · 26/03/2023 15:20

@Fluffodils well if we're going to be like that then maybe op shouldn't have had a kid with him. Works both ways doesn't it...

It's not always that easy though is it?

Contraceptives aren't 100% preventative against pregnancy and everyone on here always suggests that an abortion is an easy fix. But, unless you've actually been through one it's not easy to understand how traumatic they can sometimes be.

Very easy to sit there and type that op shouldn't have had a baby with him after it's happened.

And to op... no, from personal experience I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate

NemoandDoris · 26/03/2023 16:21

No. Probably best to leave him off tbf. The responsibilities a father do extend beyond provision of the sperm and it appears he has not exhibited any intention of meeting them.

Just keep all contact to a minimum and see a solicitor to ensure the child’s wellbeing is protected. If he has a key to your home change the locks.

Sassyfox · 26/03/2023 16:28

Of course you should put him on the BC.
Its his child just as much as yours.

The BC shouldn’t be about how much money he’s given you, it should be about your child having both its mum and dads name on its own document instead of ‘unknown’.

You knew what this man was like, you knew what his mum was like and yet you still chose to have sex and have a baby with him.

There are certain things that not being on the BC will stop him from doing eg applying for a passport.
It will not stop contact or give him rules about who he can and can’t leave his child with during his contact time.

davegrohll · 26/03/2023 16:36

@Daisybee6 My comment was to @Fluffodils who said something ridiculous. So I said something equally as ridiculous back. I know it's not as straight forward as that on real life ! Things happen, pregnancies happen, nothing can be changed now

HowcanIhelp123 · 26/03/2023 16:37

Sassyfox · 26/03/2023 16:28

Of course you should put him on the BC.
Its his child just as much as yours.

The BC shouldn’t be about how much money he’s given you, it should be about your child having both its mum and dads name on its own document instead of ‘unknown’.

You knew what this man was like, you knew what his mum was like and yet you still chose to have sex and have a baby with him.

There are certain things that not being on the BC will stop him from doing eg applying for a passport.
It will not stop contact or give him rules about who he can and can’t leave his child with during his contact time.

I would argue not entirely true. Putting him on the birth certificate gives him equal rights. He could refuse to return baby to mum and police would do nothing. She'd have to go to court, and sometimes that takes a long time and judge decides dad being resident parent is now status quo.

If he's on the certificate he has a say in moves, schooling, medical decisions, if OP can take baby on holiday.

If he's not on the certificate she can block contact. He can go to court to get it established, but rules can be put in place on contact by the court including that he can't leave baby with certain relatives and that OP must have first refusal if he can't look after baby himself in his contact time (i.e if dad has work he must offer OP the time before he can give baby to his relatives). Courts may or may not decide to impose rules based on evidence supplied.

davegrohll · 26/03/2023 16:39

Op stated in her original post that he hasn't been overly awful. How is cheating on her with her best friend not awful ?! Huge drip feed there. If that was mentioned in the original post then maybe I could see why she wasn't so keen having him on the bc but that wasn't made clear from the start

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 16:42

“You knew what this man was like, you knew what his mum was like and yet you still chose to have sex and have a baby with him.”

OP has stated he was lovely before she got pregnant

cosmiccosmos · 26/03/2023 16:42

It's not the Mothers responsibility to ensure the father is put on the bc, esp in situations like this.

Men seem to believe they are soooo important that they should get out in a bc because they say so, regardless of how crap they are. They also seem to believe they can do what they like with the baby.

In your situation I would not be putting him on the bc. You haven't confirmed that the baby is taking your name. You are mad if you give the baby his name. You will be questioned as to whether you are the baby's Mother.

@Sassyfox is talking rubbish, of course yiyr child will be able to get a passport! However just to warn you - if you put him on the bc and give him your bane you will NOT be able to take him abroad without the Fathers permission.

DONT DO IT OP!

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 26/03/2023 16:42

Only one parent needs to register but that has to be a partner married to the mother I think???

Don't add him and you don't have to tell him. Don't let him bully you

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 16:44

KittyAlfred · 26/03/2023 15:14

There’s nothing in the OP’s posts that suggests her ex will share the load in any meaningful way.

Show quote history

Yes my point. So she should claim the maintenance imo

Roselilly36 · 26/03/2023 16:46

Your surname OP, it will make life much less complicated going forward. No way would my children have a different surname to me, think about the future. Wishing you all the best.

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 16:47

davegrohll · 26/03/2023 15:20

@Fluffodils well if we're going to be like that then maybe op shouldn't have had a kid with him. Works both ways doesn't it...

oof!

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 16:50

It should be illegal to smoke around kids.

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 16:51

“and that OP must have first refusal if he can't look after baby himself in his contact time (i.e if dad has work he must offer OP the time before he can give baby to his relatives”

I think this would be quite an unusual ruling

uncomfortablydumb53 · 26/03/2023 16:55

No and give the baby your surname too

MajorCarolDanvers · 26/03/2023 16:59

but he seems to think I have no right or say in anything

You are trying to manipulate the law to prevent him having a right or a say.

Sassyfox · 26/03/2023 17:04

@cosmiccosmos I never said she couldn’t get a passport!

I said if he’s not on the BC then he can’t apply for a passport which is a reason to not put someone on the BC if they are a flight risk.

caringcarer · 26/03/2023 17:05

Honestly whatever you do don't add ex to babies birth certificate. He would get more control. You don't want him talking/leaving your baby in a smoky environment. I personally would not mention anything as bout it to ex. Then when baby born you choose name and get him registered without mentioning it to ex. By time he finds out it will be too late for him to try to pressure you.

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