Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I put partner on birth certificate

137 replies

Cakebake03 · 26/03/2023 13:14

So I’m 38 weeks pregnant me and the father of the baby are no longer together. He hasn’t been abusive or overly awful but he hasn’t done anything for the baby like literally only spent £50 on him the past 9 months . He has been uninterested and also tries to put rules on how often our baby has too see other people and his family. I’m worried about giving him parental responsibility and him leaving my baby with his mum as she is very abusive and lets people smoke in the house. His family aren’t Particularly caring and neither is he. my biggest fear is that he will take the baby for days at a time and my baby will be In a stressful environment. He can see the baby everyday and come over whenever he wants I just don’t know if it is smart to give him legal responsibility.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/03/2023 15:14

PrettyMaybug · 26/03/2023 15:09

What a load of absolute nonsense. Educate yourself.

Register a birth: Who can register a birth - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Show quote history

Quote from the Gov website
Unmarried parents
The details of both parents can be included on the birth certificate if one of the following happens:

  • they sign the birth register together
  • one parent completes a statutory declaration of parentage form and the other takes the signed form to register the birth
  • one parent goes to register the birth with a document from the court (for example, a court order) giving the father parental responsibilityDownload ‘Statutory declaration of parentage’ (PDF, 29KB)
The mother can choose to register the birth without the child’s father if they’re not married or in a civil partnership. The father’s details will not be included on the birth certificate. It might be possible to add the father’s details at a later date by completing an application for the re-registration of a child’s birth.

So I'm not sure which bit of that poster's post you're disagreeing with so vehemently.

Redebs · 26/03/2023 15:15

Definitely don't.
I once advised someone not to do this and she was extremely relieved later not to have done so.
Don't give baby his surname either.
Trust me on these.

Runnerduck34 · 26/03/2023 15:17

category12 · 26/03/2023 14:55

I know plenty of people who struggle with not having their dad's name on their BC

Really? Seems a strange non-problem to "struggle" with. It's a document you look at once in a blue moon, and no father being named doesn't mean you don't know who your dad is.

My Grandad really struggled with not having his father's name on his birth certificate, - that might be a generation thing but I do know he was impacted by it throughout his life.

So I think some do people care about having both parents on their birth certificate.

However I totally get why OP doesn't want him on it and tbh I would also be tempted to leave him off,so register the birth and if he's not there his name cant go on it.
No need to draw his attention to it!
But it may well mean you cannot get any maintenance.
I would definitely give baby your surname.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3rd trimester Families Family law General pregnancy
PrettyMaybug · 26/03/2023 15:18

category12 · 26/03/2023 15:14

Quote from the Gov website
Unmarried parents
The details of both parents can be included on the birth certificate if one of the following happens:

  • they sign the birth register together
  • one parent completes a statutory declaration of parentage form and the other takes the signed form to register the birth
  • one parent goes to register the birth with a document from the court (for example, a court order) giving the father parental responsibilityDownload ‘Statutory declaration of parentage’ (PDF, 29KB)
The mother can choose to register the birth without the child’s father if they’re not married or in a civil partnership. The father’s details will not be included on the birth certificate. It might be possible to add the father’s details at a later date by completing an application for the re-registration of a child’s birth.

So I'm not sure which bit of that poster's post you're disagreeing with so vehemently.

Show quote history

I said almost directly underneath my post you quoted there, that I misread, and I was wrong and I apologised to her.

Seems like I'm not the only one not reading things properly this afternoon. YOU just did the same!

Itawapuddytat · 26/03/2023 15:19

No worries, PrettyMaybug . I add to my previous post - as I went and checked the website Smile . The only way SHE can put him on the certificate herself with him not being there is that if he has previously signed the declaration on parentage (downloaded from the gov. website) declaring that he's dad - or if there is a court order. So again, it's not up to her to put him on it, he still needs to agree to be on the birth certificate and sign for this. Unless they are married or in a civil partnership, and it seems they are not.

Yoyo2021 · 26/03/2023 15:20

Hi,

I was in the same situation.

The reality was we weren’t even a couple.

The most he bought in the lead up was…. Nothing…..

I really struggled working full time and only went on maternity a week before birth.

When my child was born he did not come to the hospital as I did not tell him I was giving birth until the baby was born…my mum held my hand - all I needed !

He came to the hospital once and asked me for money so he could get the bus home 👀 I gave it to him and haven’t seen him since.

So I got on and registered my baby’s birth by myself and kept my self to my self

Wow I’m glad I did. About a three years later I got into a relationship and he had found out. After no contact I received some messages via social media and I said okay yes you can see him but you will need to organise a contact centre and it will need to be with a view of you hving my child every weekend. I also said don’t forget I will need to put in for child support as you will also need to support your child if you are seeing your child. As my dad says you have to pay to play!

This was reverse psychology….. he never organised anything and I did not receive any messages…. My child’s now about to turn eleven and not heard anything.

In regards to child support well I do without. I work full time always have always since returning back to work after maternity. It was really hard and still is especially cost of living and I don’t get any benefits as have my own property.

Also, if we ever get a message because somethings gone wrong in his life and wants involvement it really lessens the chance of that cretin being involved. As not on birth certificate and not paying csa!

He is a stranger to us.

My child is absoloutly fine without a dad as he knows no different and got me !!!!

Problems are where for example my friends kids don’t see their dad every year then he might turn up randomly and have involvement for a few weekends and then disappear that’s more psychologically damaging.

davegrohll · 26/03/2023 15:20

@Fluffodils well if we're going to be like that then maybe op shouldn't have had a kid with him. Works both ways doesn't it...

JudgeRudy · 26/03/2023 15:22

Whilst I understand your concerns I don't think you can morally do this. He is your child's dad. You created a life together. If you put 'father unknown' you'll be lieing won't you. You know perfectly well he's the father.
Access is a different thing. If there are disagreements whilst baby is small the courts will probably rule no overnights and little and often. If he messes up sufficiently, free contact will be removedIf you had stayed together did you plan on never letting him be with the baby on his own, or take it to his family's house?
If you choose to lie, he might apply for legal responsibility through courts and if he's proven to be the father, his name will go on birth certificate just as yours did. The keyword here is responsibility. The rights belong to the child.

Moving forward, now you're a mum to be your attitude has changed. You've concluded that he's not good enough for you or your baby. Stick to these standards. It's gonna be tough raising a child solo...don't let loneliness and desperation invite another waster into your life.
Good luck.

PrettyMaybug · 26/03/2023 15:23

Itawapuddytat · 26/03/2023 15:19

No worries, PrettyMaybug . I add to my previous post - as I went and checked the website Smile . The only way SHE can put him on the certificate herself with him not being there is that if he has previously signed the declaration on parentage (downloaded from the gov. website) declaring that he's dad - or if there is a court order. So again, it's not up to her to put him on it, he still needs to agree to be on the birth certificate and sign for this. Unless they are married or in a civil partnership, and it seems they are not.

Thanks for being so nice. I don't deserve it. Blush My post to you was obnoxious. I do apologise again. And of course you were right. Have some flowers... Flowers

category12 · 26/03/2023 15:24

PrettyMaybug · 26/03/2023 15:18

I said almost directly underneath my post you quoted there, that I misread, and I was wrong and I apologised to her.

Seems like I'm not the only one not reading things properly this afternoon. YOU just did the same!

Show quote history

I missed your apologising post, soz. 😊

But I think it's good to have the true info up anyway, as it drives me nuts when people talk as though the woman should put the father's name on the birth cert as if it's entirely on her, when a lot of the time she needs his co-operation even if she wants to.

PrettyMaybug · 26/03/2023 15:24

category12 · 26/03/2023 15:24

I missed your apologising post, soz. 😊

But I think it's good to have the true info up anyway, as it drives me nuts when people talk as though the woman should put the father's name on the birth cert as if it's entirely on her, when a lot of the time she needs his co-operation even if she wants to.

Show quote history

😘

Itawapuddytat · 26/03/2023 15:27

PrettyMaybug, honestly, no problem, it's easy to sound harsh in a written message even though people may not mean it. Thank you Smile Flowers

Original poster
Cakebake03 · 26/03/2023 15:36

I am not using my child as a weapon I’m thinking of his safety and well being as I have said the dad has only contributed £50 towards this baby. He has said that I don’t have any say in who he takes the baby to and who he leaves the baby with including his mother who is ABUSIVE. Has already said that he will not ask people to stop smoking in the house when baby is there as it is there choice too smoke. He hasn’ bothered learning anything about parenting, is planning to go on a lads holiday the month of his birth yet has refused to buy anything for my baby. He has cheated on me with my friend, left me crying in middle of the street after begging him too talk things through. Left me whilst walking home because I threw up in my first trimester and was angry that I couldn’t wait till we got home and didn’t speak to me for hours. I have said that he can stay over on weekend and see baby whenever he wants, everyday and any time of day he can come and see baby and told him that we can work on being best friends for our son. If putting my sons safety before this man who has been uninterested the past 9 months makes me a bad mother than so be it

OP posts:
2bazookas · 26/03/2023 15:38

If you're unmarried, you can only put him on the BC if you both go togther to register the birth.

If you leave him off the BC, he knows he's the father because you've acknowledged it ; and you can't prevent him applying to family court to be granted parental responsibility . The same as if he was on the BC. If you refuse a DNA test, the court can order it.

Regardless of your failed relationship. him being a no good dad, he is the father you chose for your child and you need to consider your child's feelings. ..in later life if not now. For good or bad he IS their father, half their DNA, and a very important part of their sense of self and identity. To write him out of their life story is to deny a part of them.

Original poster
Cakebake03 · 26/03/2023 15:40

Things were different before I fell pregnant he was caring and loving, when I first found out I was pregnant he said that it was the best thing that has ever happened to us. Unfortunately people change and the act drops

OP posts:
Original poster
Cakebake03 · 26/03/2023 15:43

Not writing him out of my sons life, have said he is more than welcome to see him whenever he likes and stay over for weekend and even has a key to my house. However giving him legal responsibility is something that I feel could negatively impact my son rather than benefit it

OP posts:
category12 · 26/03/2023 15:45

I can't honestly see why he would bother applying for parental responsibility if you allow reasonable contact.

I think I wouldn't let him have a key to my house though.

2bazookas · 26/03/2023 15:48

Wouldn’t he need a DNA test to prove he is the father? If so I’m pretty sure I can deny him getting that dna test.

You have already acknowledged to him and perhaps other witnesses, that he is the father of the child; and you've accepted money from him on that basis.
That provided him solid grounds to apply to family court for parental responsibility, and the court can order a DNA test.

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 15:48

Do not give him a key to your house or let him stay over.

Sunshinenotrain · 26/03/2023 15:51

He should be able to spend time with his baby just as much as you and to take the baby out. It shouldn’t be just you that decides what’s best. You sound quite controlling and are hoping he won’t stick to your rules so you can justify stopping contact. Why can he only spend time with the baby at your house?

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 15:52

Sunshinenotrain · 26/03/2023 15:51

He should be able to spend time with his baby just as much as you and to take the baby out. It shouldn’t be just you that decides what’s best. You sound quite controlling and are hoping he won’t stick to your rules so you can justify stopping contact. Why can he only spend time with the baby at your house?

Given that op may be breastfeeding and that he has said he and his family intend to smoke around the baby, I can see her point here!

HowcanIhelp123 · 26/03/2023 15:53

Register baby alone in your surname, you don't have to tell him he isn't on it. Just don't give him a copy. He can take you to court to get on it but that would involve money and effort on his part, if which he has input zero so far.

Don't give him a key. If he wants to come round to see baby he must do so alone, and while there is a friend or family member of yours around in case he tries to take baby. You can always relax the rules later if he can be trusted but I wouldn't put it past him to walk into your house, pick up baby and take them. If he has a key he could literally do this in the night while you're asleep.

Original poster
Cakebake03 · 26/03/2023 15:55

I do intend on breastfeeding, I’m not a psycho who wants full control just want my baby to be safe! I would love more than anything for him to step up, be a great dad and we can both put up boundaries, but he seems to think I have no right or say in anything.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 26/03/2023 16:09

category12 · 26/03/2023 14:55

I know plenty of people who struggle with not having their dad's name on their BC

Really? Seems a strange non-problem to "struggle" with. It's a document you look at once in a blue moon, and no father being named doesn't mean you don't know who your dad is.

I have taught many children who don’t have their fathers name on their birth certificate. Not one single one of them was happy that they don’t know their father.

SheilaFentiman · 26/03/2023 16:10

Not having the name on the birth certificate is not the same as not knowing who your father is.