I don’t want to be a step parent

[Throwntothewolf]

NC as this is a touchy subject and I’m prepared to be flamed for my feelings.

Without giving too many back ground details, I just wanted to get off my chest an awful feeling I have.

I resent my partner having a daughter from a previous relationship.

it’s a completely unreasonable and ridiculous feeling, I know that. She was here before me and deserves all the time and love in the world from her dad.

I struggle a lot that I rarely see him due to our long working hours, I long for the weekends where we can spend time together and I secretly feel happy when a visitation weekend is rescheduled.

I have no bond or attachment to his daughter, I have spent only a handful of days with her due to her mother not agreeing with me being part of her life.

Ive considered leaving him many times as it’s not fair on him having no idea I wish he didn’t have a child with someone else, and it’s also not fair on his daughter that her potential step mother doesn’t want her around. The reason I keep trying and forcing myself to see the positives is because I’m pregnant and I want us to be a family, I just can’t make myself feel those feelings I should be.

I know I’m selfish and a horrible person, I know I made a mistake involving myself with someone who had a child, I never expected myself to feel this hatred and anger which has suddenly come on stronger with pregnancy hormones. I just don’t know what to do about it.

Do I try and work on these feelings or do I accept this situation is out of my hands?

Don’t feel bad.

Speaking as a step parent - it’s tough. It gets tougher. More so if the other partner is a mare.

You're pregnant?
Yes, feeling like this is a problem. You don't have to be an adoring step parent but at least liking your SC is pretty essential. Feeling hatred for a child is pretty horrible.

Being a sm def wasn't for me. When I ended my marriage the absolute relief knowing I never had to see them and their dm ever again!

It’s not selfish at all. But I was assuming this was a new relationship, that you didn’t want to be a step parent in future, and was about to say ‘Be fair to everyone, and end things before they get serious’ when I reread the thread and noticed you’re pregnant to this man. That’s pretty messy. Is there any point in asking why you entered into a committed relationship with a parent and got pregnant, when the situation really didn’t work for you?

I’m in a relationship with someone who has young children and I do understand some of these feelings. It takes Years to settle in a blended family and for some that never happens. Of course his daughters feelings and future comes first but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the time to consider your own. Esp with a new baby on the way. For me it helps to separate out the feelings about him having an ex with whom he has an ongoing relationship and a level of intimacy that comes from having a child together from my feelings about the children. Therapy is helping me with this and it might help you too to make sense of a really complicated situation with complicated emotions. Also you are def. not selfish and horrible from what you have posted.

He already has a family, he has a daughter, they're a package, I'm not sure why you got pregnant tbh, what a mess.

Would you have some therapy to help with your feelings, you have a really unhealthy outlook and you now have a child yourself that could be impacted by your choices.

Stable door def comes to mind op.

Why are you having a baby with him? How would you feel in the future if his future girlfriend (if you split) didn't want your kid around?

Thank you all for being kind to me, I wasn’t expecting it.

I don’t hate her, I despise the situation yes but I’d never hate a child. She will be my babies sibling and I need to form some kind of attachment, but it’s very difficult when I’ve had no involvement.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned but I chose to keep the baby. My feelings were manageable before, I didn’t feel any anger. It seems to be since the pregnancy that I am realising the reality of the situation. Perhaps if we felt like a real family unit when he has his daughter I’d feel differently, but being sidelined during those weekends has made me resentful.

I found it actually got easier once I had my child and saw the bond the kids had if that helps?

The reason I keep trying and forcing myself to see the positives is because I’m pregnant and I want us to be a family, I just can’t make myself feel those feelings I should be.

As others have said what a mess.

You want to end the relationship because you don't want to be a step parent and yet you are having a child which will more than likely have step parents in the future, can you not see just how messed up that is?

I resent my partner having a daughter from a previous relationship.

You need to address why you feel like this, you've said the hatred and anger was there prior to you getting pregnant.

Of course the situation isn't outside of your hands. I think that's the attitude that has got you into this mess. What is right for you and your baby , what do you want to change or aim at. You've got to make some decisions and not just crash headlong into the next disastrous chapter.

Perhaps if we felt like a real family unit when he has his daughter I’d feel differently, but being sidelined during those weekends has made me resentful.

His ex is likely trying to make sure that any future step mother will be a long term fixture in the child's life and be committed and judging by your feelings she is right to be. Would you not do the same for your child?

Soon you will have the added anger of your baby also being sidelined.

Of course I’d want the same for my child, but I don’t know how any one can expect me to bond with her if I’m not allowed to see her.

I have tried my hardest from the very beginning. I was positive and excited in the early days. The resentment has grown over time and it’s at its peak currently.

It’s helpful to hear from others who have felt the same or understand how I feel, I really appreciate it. I’m not a bad person, I’m just having bad thoughts because I’ve trapped myself in a situation I know I don’t want.

Similar situation here. Partners ex is the tenth degree of hard work. I think I just distanced myself eventually. I don't want my life to revolve around the Ex's games and the control she tries to have on my relationship through the child. He's a nice kid though and I'm happy for him to spend all his contact with his dad but my partner is often put out I don't want to tag along on my days out.

Mumsnet always has a "first family first" mentality so expect a bit of backlash. They think dads who already have kids shouldn't meet a new partner, have more kids, be happy and should give their ex wife/partner their last pound and stuff the "second family".

I hope things settle down for you when your baby arrives and you find a happy medium.

What is it that annoys you? The lack of time with your dp, the fact she comes before you (get used to it she always will) the fact you rarely get any time to yourself without her being there, the fact your dp hangs on her every word and sees her as his ray of sunshine (she is) it's not uncommon to feel jealousy when a child takes priority over you. However you will prioritise your own child and expect your dp to so the same.

It's not easy and it takes a conscious effort to remember she is a child who's life has changed and continues to change. Get to know her, talk to her about the baby. Speak to your dp about everything. Communication is key and a dp who is open to suggestion.

I don't class myself as a step parent, as far as I'm concerned dh child has a mother, it's not me. I'm happy to just be wildflowerbees I'm around if needed but now she's an adult I have been able to step out of the picture pretty much and life is much better.

I admire those who navigate their partners children so effortlessly I found it really hard but I had boundaries and I talked to my dh and we would manage to find a middle ground.

Good luck op

I think your resent,ent is misplaced resentment. You're resentment shouldn't be towards the child, rather towards the situation, your partner for not including you in his family unit with this daughter, and for not sticking up for you when the ex says she doesn't want you around. Exes will be exes but she shouldn't be able to come between you like this. Your relationships needs to be solid. Especially now a baby is on the way, your partner needs to create a unit with the 4 of you.

Thank you so much for understanding and giving me a helpful insight.

I worry I will become like a mother wolf when the baby arrives and the feelings will get worse. I am not sure what the situation will be in terms of her meeting the baby, but again I worry about that next situation. I know it’s a mess, I already know I have been foolish, I just need a way to handle these feelings as the baby is due in 2 months.

I think you just have to make the most of it, things may improve when you have your baby. Your DSC may be very sweet towards your baby and you see the siblings form a bond over time. This may help the situation.

@amiold

I think the poster was being frank, if she can't cope with the fact he has a daughter without a new baby on the scene how will she cope with the baby as well. The older daughter problem isn't going to go away. I actually think the dp needs to get firmer with his ex and properly integrate the daughter before the baby arrives

Well...

She resents her step daughter and already feels she doesn't get time with her partner.

How is that going to work with a new baby in the mix? What good outcome can you see?

I think bringing babies into bad situations is heartless.

Absolutely insane to get involved with someone with such baggage and now you're bringing another child into this mess.

Unless all the adults in the situation - you, your partner and his ex - grow the fuck up fast you're going to be miserable, and you're going to make the kids confused and unhappy.