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Original poster

I don’t want to be a step parent

119 replies

Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 17:58

NC as this is a touchy subject and I’m prepared to be flamed for my feelings.

Without giving too many back ground details, I just wanted to get off my chest an awful feeling I have.

I resent my partner having a daughter from a previous relationship.

it’s a completely unreasonable and ridiculous feeling, I know that. She was here before me and deserves all the time and love in the world from her dad.

I struggle a lot that I rarely see him due to our long working hours, I long for the weekends where we can spend time together and I secretly feel happy when a visitation weekend is rescheduled.

I have no bond or attachment to his daughter, I have spent only a handful of days with her due to her mother not agreeing with me being part of her life.

Ive considered leaving him many times as it’s not fair on him having no idea I wish he didn’t have a child with someone else, and it’s also not fair on his daughter that her potential step mother doesn’t want her around. The reason I keep trying and forcing myself to see the positives is because I’m pregnant and I want us to be a family, I just can’t make myself feel those feelings I should be.

I know I’m selfish and a horrible person, I know I made a mistake involving myself with someone who had a child, I never expected myself to feel this hatred and anger which has suddenly come on stronger with pregnancy hormones. I just don’t know what to do about it.

Do I try and work on these feelings or do I accept this situation is out of my hands?

OP posts:
Avarua2 · 22/03/2023 18:32

This is common - to see the first child aa a cuckoo in your 'nest' - it's biological. It's not fair on the kid though. So get counselling, get parenting advice, forge a relationship with the mum and be the adult. Step-mothering sucks and isn't a great choice, but the horse has already bolted from the stable.

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 18:33

You don’t want to be a step parent, barely know his child, he has a high conflict ex, and you’re pregnant? What an astonishing lack of critical thinking skill/contraception.

Both his child and yours are fucked.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 22/03/2023 18:34

Precisely why I didn't have dc with my exh. And took the relevant precautions to ensure I didn't...

Interested in this thread?

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Families
parietal · 22/03/2023 18:35

how old is the step child?

can you find just one thing that you have in common with SC. it could be cooking or a TV show you both like or a sport or topic of conversation. Just one thing that you can chat about and connect with. that will let you start to build a friendly relationship with her.

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:35

@Theelephantinthecastle
Suggesting termination that comment made me sick

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 18:36

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lunar1 · 22/03/2023 18:37

I really hope you don't live together.

PlacidPenelope · 22/03/2023 18:39

How long have you been with your partner @Throwntothewolf ? And what does he say about the situation, he does have a say regarding his child irrespective of what his ex says.

Clymene · 22/03/2023 18:39

You have long working hours, you're resentful you barely see him and of the time he spends with his daughter so you decided to throw a baby into the mix?

Why does the ex hate you? What's the gap between the end of his relationship with his child's mum and you?

Honestly this is a bloody mess.

Coyoacan · 22/03/2023 18:42

Do you always just let yourself be led by your emotions, OP? Do you never think about what might be best for others?

DancingInSpace · 22/03/2023 18:44

An absolute mess. In a relationship and getting pregnant without either of you thinking you needed to take time to build a relationship with his child first. And the way you talk about this poor child is horrible.

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to be around children, they’re destined to fuck them up. I feel sorry for both kids.

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:44

Op you said before your were pregnant you didn't feel this way so sounds like your hormones have a lot to answer for.

What does your SC think about having a new sibling?

You have choices here if you want to keep your family together such as

You plan your and your partner and your new babies days out etc and your partner needs to contact his ex and say 'we are going to X place at this time can SC come along please' and his ex will either relent because she gets time to herself and accept that her child will be spending time with YOU because you are a family and you do not change the plans . Your SC mother needs to accept the situation and that is that but you need your partner to enforce this

Can contact arrangements change?(don't know how far away you live from SC) such as 50/50 so you get to build a bond with her one week and then have a week with your partner and baby so it's not every weekend you never have any time together? If not then what about other contact arrangement options 3-4 days with one parent and swooping.

What I would encourage and your partner need la to gently encourage a relationship between your SC and your baby because if you have SC on board once you see them together you will may well feel much happier. Also if SC is on board and sees you as 'family' and the new baby as family then SC will be wanting to come over more and all your bonds will grow and there's nothing the mother can do about it

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 18:45

Coyoacan · 22/03/2023 18:42

Do you always just let yourself be led by your emotions, OP? Do you never think about what might be best for others?

So many adults do this in terms of step children/new babies, whilst all the children involved suffer because the adults can’t engage their brains, only listen to their emotions (isn’t that something we should mostly grow out of after toddlerhood?), insist on their right to “move on”, constantly wang on as if they’re the “chosen ones” and the first family don’t exist.

Original poster
Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 18:46

Thank you to those who are being supportive, sorry I don’t know how to tag people. I expected harsh comments, I already feel shit about it so nothing anyone says will make me feel worse.

We have been together for 4 years, his daughter is 8. I’ve never met his ex so I’m not sure if or why she’d hate me, but they split soon after their daughter was born as she cheated and then went on to marry the man and have more children. He was single for 2 years before we met as friends.

I have asked him if I can spend even an hour with them, but his ex says no apart from the occasional time (family birthday etc) and has threatened to stop contact if he does. He tries his best but I know it’s out of his hands because shared custody of his child is more important than me showing my face. I get that and respect it. It doesn’t help how I feel in general. Chances are she won’t be allowed to meet the baby or it will all result in a long custody battle just because of me wanting to be involved to shake these feelings.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:47

@NoShepardWithoutVakarian
Uhhhhh Pregnancy wasn't planned as OP blatantly said

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 18:48

Ah so he’s spineless on top. Court doesn’t take that long when there’s no abuse/addictions involved. It costs very little. It should have been done a long time ago. It shows you exactly what sort of father he is - lazy and disengaged.

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 18:49

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:47

@NoShepardWithoutVakarian
Uhhhhh Pregnancy wasn't planned as OP blatantly said

Why continue it then? Explain it to me like I’m stupid.

Original poster
Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 18:50

I’m 7 months pregnant my baby is going nowhere, I only mentioned my pregnancy as this is what ties me to them long term but my post and feelings are about my partner and his daughter only.

OP posts:
Toadintheroll · 22/03/2023 18:50

She can't stop him seeing you, if she is obstructive to this then he can push to have contact formalised. Unless you pose a threat to her (which presumably you don't) then no court will see it as reasonable for her mother to withhold contact due to this- but let me guess, he can't be bothered to do this? Its not selfish to not want to be a step parent, but you can't change that he has a daughter and she will always be just as much his child and part of his life as your child.

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:50

@NoShepardWithoutVakarian

  1. termination isn't a form of contraception
  2. Op loves her partner
  3. Op wants the baby
Toadintheroll · 22/03/2023 18:51

I mean she can't stop his daughter seeing you when he has contact

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:52

Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 18:46

Thank you to those who are being supportive, sorry I don’t know how to tag people. I expected harsh comments, I already feel shit about it so nothing anyone says will make me feel worse.

We have been together for 4 years, his daughter is 8. I’ve never met his ex so I’m not sure if or why she’d hate me, but they split soon after their daughter was born as she cheated and then went on to marry the man and have more children. He was single for 2 years before we met as friends.

I have asked him if I can spend even an hour with them, but his ex says no apart from the occasional time (family birthday etc) and has threatened to stop contact if he does. He tries his best but I know it’s out of his hands because shared custody of his child is more important than me showing my face. I get that and respect it. It doesn’t help how I feel in general. Chances are she won’t be allowed to meet the baby or it will all result in a long custody battle just because of me wanting to be involved to shake these feelings.

Your partner needs to go to mediation
If this doesn't work and she stops contact make sure you have it evidenced via texts or emails and your partner can apply to the courts and get legal aid due to emotional abuse

butterfliedtwo · 22/03/2023 18:52

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This tbh. Keeping the baby in this situation is hardly a great decision.

DancingInSpace · 22/03/2023 18:53

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 18:48

Ah so he’s spineless on top. Court doesn’t take that long when there’s no abuse/addictions involved. It costs very little. It should have been done a long time ago. It shows you exactly what sort of father he is - lazy and disengaged.

This. What a Prince.

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:53

Sorry it's not called legal aid but speak with a solicitor and there are those that will take on cases in certain firms