I don’t want to be a step parent

[Throwntothewolf]

NC as this is a touchy subject and I’m prepared to be flamed for my feelings.

Without giving too many back ground details, I just wanted to get off my chest an awful feeling I have.

I resent my partner having a daughter from a previous relationship.

it’s a completely unreasonable and ridiculous feeling, I know that. She was here before me and deserves all the time and love in the world from her dad.

I struggle a lot that I rarely see him due to our long working hours, I long for the weekends where we can spend time together and I secretly feel happy when a visitation weekend is rescheduled.

I have no bond or attachment to his daughter, I have spent only a handful of days with her due to her mother not agreeing with me being part of her life.

Ive considered leaving him many times as it’s not fair on him having no idea I wish he didn’t have a child with someone else, and it’s also not fair on his daughter that her potential step mother doesn’t want her around. The reason I keep trying and forcing myself to see the positives is because I’m pregnant and I want us to be a family, I just can’t make myself feel those feelings I should be.

I know I’m selfish and a horrible person, I know I made a mistake involving myself with someone who had a child, I never expected myself to feel this hatred and anger which has suddenly come on stronger with pregnancy hormones. I just don’t know what to do about it.

Do I try and work on these feelings or do I accept this situation is out of my hands?

Poor kid probably doesn't want to be from a broken home and probably doesn't want to be a stepchild either. She'll probably feel strange and jealous about her sibling having dad al to themselves and might feel resentful of the time her dad is with yu and not her.

It goes both ways. Its always worse for the chlidren involved.

So the best you can do is suck it up, realise hid daughter probably feels weird and resentful about it too. Get along with it together.

sorry typos!
wasn't concentrating

And here I was thinking not all women are maternal, not all women care about raising children and then the last sentence you're pregnant. So you are just plain nasty then. Feel sorry for the little girl growing up second fiddle to the child you actually want around. Definitely won't be getting your weekends just the two of you when a baby comes along so it's not about that is it?

You are indeed a horrible person. Why pursue someone with a child when you feel like this? What sort of relationship is it - does the girl not see her father or are you having a baby with someone you don't live with and don't see much?

Your partner's next partner will have the same coldness to your child like this. And it will serve you right.

Does the child (and her mother) know that she's going to have a sibling? You haven't mentioned whether you're having a DS or a DD.

It’s not unreasonable to not want to be an SP (I am a step parent and it can be hard) but as you are pregnant you are going to have to make it work,

Think of her as a niece if it helps you accept she isn’t going anywhere - and an aunt/niece relationship is also a good template.

The key thing you have to do is stop moping around like a teenager wondering if you should just accept the situation as it is, whether you will feel like a mother wolf and other crap. You are an adult, and while we all have emotions we can also manage the thought processes we have around them.

No you can’t just give into your feelings, no you can’t just flop around acknowledging that it’s a bit of a mess without doing anything about it.

Sit down and have a fairly honest conversation with your partner. He does not need to know about your innermost feelings on this subject but you can say you haven’t built a relationship with her and you and he collectively haven’t built up an extended family unit for her and you want to talk about how you improve that situation as a matter of urgency.

It’s essential you do this work for your baby as much as anyone else. It doesn’t need a teen mother wolf fantasy, it needs a grown up human mother who takes responsibility for her situation and prioritises building a strong family unit.

sound advice @Luredbyapomegranate

It took me a good year of seeing my late dp's dc before I felt I was forming a bond with them. Don't be so hard on yourself, you have pregnancy hormones & you must feel like you are upside down at the moment.

You think op should give up her baby for adoption and that that will help her like the step kid more?

Exactly this! I was just about to say the same thing! These men are never the ones at fault! It was always the ex who had the affair, now, not only did this ex have an affair, she was violent towards him! This violence was witnessed by his family, yet no-one has stepped in to help this poor child who has to live with her cheating, violent mother, not even her own father!! You’ve chosen well OP! You must be very gullible to have swallowed any of this ‘I’m so scared of her’ story!

Well, being a stepparent is largely shit. So I understand that.

Throw into it your growing resentment, an utter drop of a boyfriend who is terrified of upsetting his ex and is too scared to take her to court, a child who doesn’t know you at all and whose mother probably slags you off, and now an unplanned seven month pregnancy, and what you have is a fucking mess.

Drip*

Don't feel bad. On a very basic level, I wish my DP didn't have a child from a previous relationship. I don't think that's a shocking thing to think - why wouldn't I? It's a compromise on the ideal life we could have together if it wasn't the case, without having to deal with an ex, a contact schedule with someone I'm not personally fussed on seeing, the financial implications, the child themself being hard work, the fact that he's "done it before" and has another child he loves as much as our two, which is jarring. It would all be better (for me) if he just hadn't made that life choice and we'd both come together child free. I don't get anything good out of it, only negatives. I'd find it a bit odd if anyone expected me to actively prefer things this way.

But I think the difference is I've grown used to it and am at peace with that reality. I struggled with it a lot in the early days and the resentment did have an impact. But it's been years now and it's just life. I think that acceptance will probably come for you, too.

Do you live together? If you do, and you should if you are having a baby together, then you shouldn't have to leave to facilitate him seeing her without you. If he wants her to come to a shared household then he needs to sort out the not being allowed to see you thing. How much does he have her? Personally I think he should be standing up to his ex and taking her to court if he has to, the control she is exerting is ridiculous. But if he isn't going to, I would try to just get on with your life with minimal impact on you. Don't make this a central issue, don't dwell on it. If he's off seeing her once a week or whatever, then so be it, but don't let it eat you up the rest of the time. Being honest, I don't think about the situation that much outside of contact time.

The courts deal with evidence only. I've seen physically abusive men given contact as the abuse to the then partner didn't occur in front of the children.

The preventing contact is the central issue.

Someone is telling porkies, or your partner truly believes his ex has this much power. Perhaps he was in an abusive relationship, male victims of domestic violence will also find it difficult to speak up. Talking of which he would be entitled to legal aid if he was in fact a victim. There has to be EVIDENCE as to one parents unsuitability, and imo the bar is very low. This is truly bullshit, OP support your partner to challenge this, getting advice will be the first step it would help him feel more in control.

Be prepared though you might also learn some things about your partner.

The step child is not the issue here.

"the fact that he's "done it before" and has another child he loves as much as our two, which is jarring"

That's so petty and sad. I personally think it's wonderful that my DP loves all his dc equally, and that's how it must be. I love my sc as much as my own too. All other things being equal, it's a matter of perspective and personality how you deal with it. Will you see the ex in the sc, will you see the partner you love in the sc, or will you see them as the unique wonderful children they are? . I see the last and have my own motherly relationship with them. It works. Ex used to meddle and we had issues, but I never took it out on the sc. We work. Would I prefer to have sc or only mine in my life? Sc all the way. They enrich us. I love them.

Don't feel bad. I have similar feelings towards my fiancé daughter. I just can't feel the same about her as my sons. I've tried and I just don't like her personality. We clash. I didn't raise her so she's not like my kids. She is manipulative and doesn't listen or follow any of my instructions. She has lied about me and started fights with other family members. I just don't want to parent her anymore. I don't know how to fix this bc I love her dad so much. The bond is just not there with her.

I hadn’t a step-daughter once. Like you, I rarely saw her. Unlike you, it was because my husband was completely uninterested in her. In fact, he left her mother when he found out that she was pregnant, something I didn’t learn until after we were married.
Unlike you, I was enthralled with my step-daughter. She was sweet and unaffected and bright. My marriage was brief, however, and I lost all contact with her.
Years ago, though, I looked for her on Facebook, and she’s now going by her stepfather’s last name. I can’t say I blame her.
My only advice would be to try and remember that this is an innocent little child who will have a relationship with your child.
It’s in everybody’s best interest if you move forward with kindness and an open heart and mind.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Having just been through the family court process in an especially nasty case (in my opinion from the outside!) can say with certainty that the court is used to parents lying to prevent contact. If he already has contact then the court won’t buy into what she says. If allegations are made then unless there is a police report or court document relating to the alleged incident the judge won’t take it into consideration. What I’m saying is she will be expected to provide evidence for any lies she tells.

After this horrible case that dragged on for over a year (when usually they aim to conclude within 6 months) I would say he needs to go to court and have an enforceable contact pattern put into place, because that is what is best for his daughter.

You just need some normal hormones and some time together with the SD. That fact you recognize the issue and are asking for help show your feelings aren't reflective of who you are. It will get easier. You won't feel this way forever, things will change for the better if you so choose. Just go get some therapy so you can manage it better.