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Original poster

I don’t want to be a step parent

119 replies

Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 17:58

NC as this is a touchy subject and I’m prepared to be flamed for my feelings.

Without giving too many back ground details, I just wanted to get off my chest an awful feeling I have.

I resent my partner having a daughter from a previous relationship.

it’s a completely unreasonable and ridiculous feeling, I know that. She was here before me and deserves all the time and love in the world from her dad.

I struggle a lot that I rarely see him due to our long working hours, I long for the weekends where we can spend time together and I secretly feel happy when a visitation weekend is rescheduled.

I have no bond or attachment to his daughter, I have spent only a handful of days with her due to her mother not agreeing with me being part of her life.

Ive considered leaving him many times as it’s not fair on him having no idea I wish he didn’t have a child with someone else, and it’s also not fair on his daughter that her potential step mother doesn’t want her around. The reason I keep trying and forcing myself to see the positives is because I’m pregnant and I want us to be a family, I just can’t make myself feel those feelings I should be.

I know I’m selfish and a horrible person, I know I made a mistake involving myself with someone who had a child, I never expected myself to feel this hatred and anger which has suddenly come on stronger with pregnancy hormones. I just don’t know what to do about it.

Do I try and work on these feelings or do I accept this situation is out of my hands?

OP posts:
NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 18:53

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:50

@NoShepardWithoutVakarian

  1. termination isn't a form of contraception
  2. Op loves her partner
  3. Op wants the baby

  1. Termination is there to be used when contraception fails - what other scenario would it be used in?

  2. Feelings and whims simply aren’t enough to base bringing a child into the world on

  3. OP doesn’t know or like her step child

  4. The ex is high conflict

  5. The partner is weak

  6. OP is projecting her feelings about the unwanted pregnancy onto a child that already exists

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 18:55

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:53

Sorry it's not called legal aid but speak with a solicitor and there are those that will take on cases in certain firms

Legal aid is for victims of DV.

You don’t need a solicitor for court, that racks up thousands. Self rep is cheap and easy.

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:55

@NoShepardWithoutVakarian
🤣

OP wants the baby. I'm sorry you have clearly had a difficult life, I hope things get better for you

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
daimtheman · 22/03/2023 18:56

I really think you should end this relationship

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:56

@NoShepardWithoutVakarian
I corrected what I said about legal aid as you can clearly see 🤣

Lwrenagain · 22/03/2023 18:56

So, SD has a Stepdad but you or her new sibling aren't allowed to be around her?
That's weird, no wonder you're all kinds of irritated.
It isn't SDs fault, her parents are fucking strange.
A dad with no spine and a control freak of a mum.
Run.

Theelephantinthecastle · 22/03/2023 18:56

The OP is now 7 months along so it's clearly not constructive to discuss termination now and if she had said that in her OP, I would not have mentioned it.

But it is a perfectly reasonable option for women with unplanned pregnancies in difficult situations and I don't think it's intrinsically heartless or sickening to mention it. I don't think it should be a taboo subject.

I think the least worst options now are:

DP stands up to the ex, takes it to court if necessary and you begin life as a proper family unit.

You split up and you ex can see the baby separately from his daughter

There are obviously downsides to both.

qpmz · 22/03/2023 18:56

'I struggle a lot that I rarely see him due to our long working hours'
^
This is a big part of the problem too. Do you live together? Are you working above contracted hours, if so why?
You should both wfh^ sometimes or change your hours.

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 18:57

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:55

@NoShepardWithoutVakarian
🤣

OP wants the baby. I'm sorry you have clearly had a difficult life, I hope things get better for you

I’m sorry you’re a Forced Birther who talks to the Magic Sky God and doesn’t give a shit that an existing childs life will be made worse and this child will be born into an absolute shit show.

The partner will 100% not qualify for legal aid in this scenario.

daimtheman · 22/03/2023 18:58

@Throwntothewolf sorry, sausage fingers.
I really think you need to end this relationship. Read through the hundreds of threads here and you'll see that it rarely gets better and the resentment builds more after having your own child.

I don't mean this unkindly but it's a shame you didn't realise all this before another child was brought into the situation.

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 18:58

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:56

@NoShepardWithoutVakarian
I corrected what I said about legal aid as you can clearly see 🤣

Your correction was incorrect, HTH.

RobinRobinMouse · 22/03/2023 18:58

It's clearly the partner that needs to go. I feel sorry for both his daughter and the unborn child as neither of them have a dad who should have been allowed to procreate as he clearly just can't be bothered to sort things properly. I feel you may be better off doing this alone.

Soakitup37 · 22/03/2023 18:58

Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 18:50

I’m 7 months pregnant my baby is going nowhere, I only mentioned my pregnancy as this is what ties me to them long term but my post and feelings are about my partner and his daughter only.

Neither is his dd.

you either find a way to make this work or you split up. You will only hurt the daughter if she ever gets wind of how you feel about her and that won’t exactly help relations with the ex.

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 19:00

Thanks again to those helping me, I really do appreciate it.

I have suggested court to him but she has threatened many times that if he does she will lie in court to make sure he never sees her again. He is scared of her because of things that happened during their relationship, which she openly admitted to his family. He doesn’t want to rock the boat as he risks losing his daughter altogether. I’m not a heartless person and I know he’s doing what he can to keep things amicable, his child comes first. I agree that these actions are making it worse in the long run as his ex holds all the cards. Leaving him is still an option, I’m just scared about how it will be after. Again I don’t hate his child nor have I spoken badly about her, I resent the situation and how I feel about him having a child but in no way towards the child herself.

OP posts:
Beamur · 22/03/2023 19:00

Your partner needs to grow a spine and quickly.
His ex has no right to call the shots in this way. Contact time between him and his ex is for the child but she doesn't get to dictate your presence or absence.
If she threatens contact will be withdrawn, go to court.
Once you have court ordered contact time you can build more of a relationship.
Fwiw I found it much easier to get along with my SC once DD came along. Having a good relationship between the children has been really important to all of us and they genuinely get on and love each other.
The current situation of you being frozen out cannot continue. If your DP doesn't see this your situation isn't going to improve.

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You think I have mental health issues?

Sure.

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 19:02

Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 19:00

Thanks again to those helping me, I really do appreciate it.

I have suggested court to him but she has threatened many times that if he does she will lie in court to make sure he never sees her again. He is scared of her because of things that happened during their relationship, which she openly admitted to his family. He doesn’t want to rock the boat as he risks losing his daughter altogether. I’m not a heartless person and I know he’s doing what he can to keep things amicable, his child comes first. I agree that these actions are making it worse in the long run as his ex holds all the cards. Leaving him is still an option, I’m just scared about how it will be after. Again I don’t hate his child nor have I spoken badly about her, I resent the situation and how I feel about him having a child but in no way towards the child herself.

It is about the child herself, though. That’s the problem and you won’t see it.

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 19:02

Op focus on yourself and baby at the moment. Your partner needs to get the ball moving. Your hormones make everything feel a million times worse.

quietnightmare · 22/03/2023 19:03

@NoShepardWithoutVakarian
👏

Toadintheroll · 22/03/2023 19:05

Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 19:00

Thanks again to those helping me, I really do appreciate it.

I have suggested court to him but she has threatened many times that if he does she will lie in court to make sure he never sees her again. He is scared of her because of things that happened during their relationship, which she openly admitted to his family. He doesn’t want to rock the boat as he risks losing his daughter altogether. I’m not a heartless person and I know he’s doing what he can to keep things amicable, his child comes first. I agree that these actions are making it worse in the long run as his ex holds all the cards. Leaving him is still an option, I’m just scared about how it will be after. Again I don’t hate his child nor have I spoken badly about her, I resent the situation and how I feel about him having a child but in no way towards the child herself.

That's not how it works though, unless she has evidence that would meet the high threshold for making it unsafe for the child to be in his care then it doesn't matter what she says really. They'll also question why she's been happy for him to see her up to now. He needs to grow a backbone if he's serious about you and your baby.

B0g · 22/03/2023 19:06

The boyfriends pathetic excuses for not bothering to formalise contact with his child don’t stand up. Hugely unappealing. Good luck with your kid, are you financially independent and have your own house?

NoShepardWithoutVakarian · 22/03/2023 19:07

B0g · 22/03/2023 19:06

The boyfriends pathetic excuses for not bothering to formalise contact with his child don’t stand up. Hugely unappealing. Good luck with your kid, are you financially independent and have your own house?

Agreed.

Men who have abused their ex and DCs, have convictions for it, had SS whisk their ex and children away still get significant unsupervised access, is this man so thick he genuinely believes a legal procedure is based on “he said, she said”, or is he just feckless and lazy?

Namechangenoidea · 22/03/2023 19:08

So I take it you don’t live together and you won’t be able to because of his step daughter?

if that’s the case you have to leave him.

DancingInSpace · 22/03/2023 19:13

I have suggested court to him but she has threatened many times that if he does she will lie in court to make sure he never sees her again. He is scared of her because of things that happened during their relationship, which she openly admitted to his family. He doesn’t want to rock the boat as he risks losing his daughter altogether. I’m not a heartless person and I know he’s doing what he can to keep things amicable, his child comes first.

You need to wise up. This is bullshit.

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