Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I don’t want to be a step parent

119 replies

Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 17:58

NC as this is a touchy subject and I’m prepared to be flamed for my feelings.

Without giving too many back ground details, I just wanted to get off my chest an awful feeling I have.

I resent my partner having a daughter from a previous relationship.

it’s a completely unreasonable and ridiculous feeling, I know that. She was here before me and deserves all the time and love in the world from her dad.

I struggle a lot that I rarely see him due to our long working hours, I long for the weekends where we can spend time together and I secretly feel happy when a visitation weekend is rescheduled.

I have no bond or attachment to his daughter, I have spent only a handful of days with her due to her mother not agreeing with me being part of her life.

Ive considered leaving him many times as it’s not fair on him having no idea I wish he didn’t have a child with someone else, and it’s also not fair on his daughter that her potential step mother doesn’t want her around. The reason I keep trying and forcing myself to see the positives is because I’m pregnant and I want us to be a family, I just can’t make myself feel those feelings I should be.

I know I’m selfish and a horrible person, I know I made a mistake involving myself with someone who had a child, I never expected myself to feel this hatred and anger which has suddenly come on stronger with pregnancy hormones. I just don’t know what to do about it.

Do I try and work on these feelings or do I accept this situation is out of my hands?

OP posts:
SharonKaren · 22/03/2023 19:17

Whatever you do, please don't use your baby as a weapon. Understand that the love you'll feel to your baby is felt by your partner also to his daughter. And the daughter like any child in these situations didn't have a choice. She didn't create this extended family. Like you, she is feeling awkward near you, and may feel jealous when the baby comes. She might think you hate her. She might feel like if she likes you she'll betray her mum. Don't expect emotional maturity from a child. Also understand She's not an extension of her mother but a separate person,growing up, in need of love and care. See her for who she is. Let her be a part of your family. It really is the only way forward. Otherwise do everyone a favour and let go of this relationship now so your own child doesn't grow up in trauma from a dysfunctional family or separation.

Folklore9074 · 22/03/2023 19:21

Unreal the amount of people on here the immediately leap to leaving the guy/terminating. In real life you can’t just sack things off when they get difficult.

OP it’s not ideal but given how far along you are you need solutions that work to improve the situation. In your place I would focus on your baby and the relationship you have with your partner. Hormones won’t be helping. Do what you can, when you can to improve your relationship with this little child, it sounds like they are having a tough time after their parents spilt. Keep a lid of resentments about the child themselves, you know that’s not fair. Try and distance yourself if you can from the mess of partner and ex, while accepting this is a part of what you have embroiled yourself in. And the best of luck!

SharonKaren · 22/03/2023 19:26

*oh and please don't go in the rabbit hole of stepparenting threads on MN if you'd like real life, balanced feedback . They're an echo chamber. Best of luck op. It's a tough situation.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Clymene · 22/03/2023 19:28

Folklore9074 · 22/03/2023 19:21

Unreal the amount of people on here the immediately leap to leaving the guy/terminating. In real life you can’t just sack things off when they get difficult.

OP it’s not ideal but given how far along you are you need solutions that work to improve the situation. In your place I would focus on your baby and the relationship you have with your partner. Hormones won’t be helping. Do what you can, when you can to improve your relationship with this little child, it sounds like they are having a tough time after their parents spilt. Keep a lid of resentments about the child themselves, you know that’s not fair. Try and distance yourself if you can from the mess of partner and ex, while accepting this is a part of what you have embroiled yourself in. And the best of luck!

Yes you can. You can leave a relationship at any time for any reason. This is a disastrous relationship to bring another baby into. The OP's boyfriend is either spineless or a liar. Either way, he isn't prioritising her. She's an afterthought, fit into that corners of his life that are convenient to him. And that's what will happen to her baby too.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/03/2023 19:30

Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 19:00

Thanks again to those helping me, I really do appreciate it.

I have suggested court to him but she has threatened many times that if he does she will lie in court to make sure he never sees her again. He is scared of her because of things that happened during their relationship, which she openly admitted to his family. He doesn’t want to rock the boat as he risks losing his daughter altogether. I’m not a heartless person and I know he’s doing what he can to keep things amicable, his child comes first. I agree that these actions are making it worse in the long run as his ex holds all the cards. Leaving him is still an option, I’m just scared about how it will be after. Again I don’t hate his child nor have I spoken badly about her, I resent the situation and how I feel about him having a child but in no way towards the child herself.

What things happened during their relationship?

Court isn’t as simple as “he said, she said” so you have to question why your partner is simply accepting that and hasn’t dealt with the situation in the years that you E been together.

I’d be asking more questions and probably walking away because he’s either a waste of space who isn’t going to do anything to sort the situation, or there are things he’s hiding that mean he can’t risk going to court…

Ameadowwalk · 22/03/2023 19:38

I don’t think you need to berate yourself for not wanting to be a step-parent, it is more like you are not even getting a proper chance to be part of your partner’s life with his DD at all - so how can you be a step-mother?
Your anger is about the fact that you don’t see it have enough time with your partner, despite being seven months pregnant, because his DD is there. That is not his DD’s fault, that is your partner’s fault for not sorting this situation out. I agree with YetMoreNewBeginnings that he is either too lazy or there are things he doesn’t want to come out in court (or he doesn’t want the legal bills…). So I think it is easier to be angry with and resent his DD than he angry with him for not sorting this out (whilst still being happy to get you pregnant).

Original poster
Throwntothewolf · 22/03/2023 19:38

Thanks again everyone, I’m working a night shift so I won’t be back tonight (I haven’t disappeared) but I really appreciate those fighting my corner and those with helpful advice.

It’s not an ideal situation but I didn’t expect this to happen, I assumed over time his ex would lower her guard and let me be involved but she has seen it as another form of control.

She was violent which was witnessed by his family so I know he isn’t lying about anything he has told me. I admit he can be spineless and should stick up for himself more, but I do understand he wants to be civil for his daughter and not cause drama, the whole situation has left him with depression and anxiety.

I try my hardest to accept what I’ve walked into, but I’m sure many in my shoes would think about how life could be if none of this was their reality. I know I will have to tell him how I feel eventually, so chances are he will leave me anyway. I just wanted one last try to see if anyone with constructive advice could help me find a way to put my feelings aside, I’ve now got a lot of helpful responses to think over tonight and make a choice from there.

OP posts:
Ameadowwalk · 22/03/2023 19:39

*don’t see or have enough time, that should have said

Cocobutt · 22/03/2023 19:40

I think once you’ve had your baby you’ll feel differently.

I personally would have not got involved with someone with a child or ended things way sooner if this is how you felt.

Unfortunately you are now a bit stuck because if you separate then you could potentially start a relationship with a man that feels the same way as you do about your child.

I adore children but I will not be with anyone with a child of primary age or younger because I’ve already done my parenting days and I don’t want to do it again.

I completely understand not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who has children.
What I don’t understand is why you would be in one if you felt this way.

Azerothi · 22/03/2023 19:48

I may have missed it but do you and your boyfriend live together?

Something about what he has been telling you doesn't ring true at all. These men always tell the same sorry story and women fall for it time after time. It's always the violent, cheating ex wife or girlfriend who then has to be pandered to or else she won't let him see his child. But he can't be arsed to go to court.

And, then as if by magic the new girlfriend is pregnant.

SharonKaren · 22/03/2023 19:50

Youre asking for Practical advice for putting your feelings aside...

Something needs to change. You can't change your partners attitude. You can't change the mother's attitude. You can only change your own, but difficult if you can't get to know the child. So realistically one option is you can wait to see if the daughter can be a part of your family, and welcome her with open arms. Prove the mother wrong, start a loving relationship with her. Don't give in to the shortcut of hating the kid and using your baby for pressuring your partner. Take the high way. Don't engage with the moron ex. If you feel you can't do this, separate, cos it's a difficult road.

Viviennemary · 22/03/2023 19:54

I don't think this is too unusual. Maybe some counselling to help you work through these feelings

Toadintheroll · 22/03/2023 19:54

She was violent which was witnessed by his family

Even more reason for him to go through court, presumably he isn't happy with his child living with a violent woman? Honestly this doesn't add up.

Justmeandthedog1 · 22/03/2023 19:59

Your DP needs some legal advice. His ex will blackmail him until the child is 18.
My ex’s ex-w was similar, everyone tiptoed around her, she could do and say whatever she wanted ( including slandering me) because ex and his parents were scared she’d keep the children away from them. Awful using kids as pawns.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 22/03/2023 20:00

She was violent which was witnessed by his family so I know he isn’t lying about anything he has told me. I admit he can be spineless and should stick up for himself more, but I do understand he wants to be civil for his daughter and not cause drama, the whole situation has left him with depression and anxiety.

Is that what he told you or have family members told you that?

And have they told you that she said that or just that she was? My ex has several relatives that will tell you I ‘admitted’ throwing a book at him. Weirdly they never follow it up with “because he was charging at her threatening to throw her down the stairs”…

If she was violent and he has witnesses to her openly admitting it then he’s not the one that would want to be avoiding court

femfemlicious · 22/03/2023 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Laurdo · 22/03/2023 20:13

It's probably not helping that your partner doesn't have your back. If you don't see his DD because his ex said so then he doesn't have your back. It's got fuck all to do with her who DD sees when she's on her dad's time. If you're going to stay, DPs relationship with his ex is going to have to change. He needs to make sure he has a formal agreement to see his daughter so she can't just stop him out of spite. He needs to stop complying with what the ex wants.

You don't have to necessarily like the child. She has 2 parents to love and care for her. All you have to do is be kind to her. If the access is only EOWE then really she's not there very often.

I also feel that maybe some of the resistance you have towards his DD is down to the fact that his ex has tried to exert control over who your DP can and can't introduce to his DD. If this is going to work your DPs boundaries have to be better with his ex and he needs to support you better.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/03/2023 20:30

I do wonder if you’re actually angry with your partner for not having your back in not standing up to his ex. He is ultimately gatekeeping your relationship with his dd by pandering to her. If he’s serious about you being a family, it’s time for him to make formal contact arrangements and to stop his dd being a pawn. I’d be really worried in your shoes as you can see what kind of dad he actually is and that would scare me. Time really is running out to have a decent relationship with his dd. Far easier as a primary school child, before she hits tweens and teens.

GymNewbie · 22/03/2023 20:35

Maybe try and spend some time with her 1:1.
Her DM doesn't get to dictate who the dc spends time with in her fathers care.
You will basically be a blended family. That dc will have your dc as a sibling.

Start small. Bake cakes while dp stays in another room

  • and for anyone who says the fm doesn't have a choice, when dh took his ex to court for contact his ex tried to dictate not to see me, and various things and the court told her she was unreasonable, just like he couldn't or wouldn't anyway dictate what she does with the dc in her time. My dc many years ago met their now stepmother after their dad had been with her a week! I couldn't say anything it was his choice.
GymNewbie · 22/03/2023 20:41

Just seen shes still trying to control him 4 years down the line wtf!

If she stops contact your dp takes her to court. Its around 200 iirc.
No solicitor needed. Keep everything in writing.
They will not allow this.

Fwiw. When dh also said what he wanted and best for dc. His ex replied 'he is NOT having the dc all that time no way!' the judge said 'that's not your decision, you're being awkward and selfish , dc is both your child and granted him everything and extras!
They do not take lightly to parental alienation

MayThe4th · 22/03/2023 20:44

Amazing isn’t it how pregnancies on MN are never planned.

The amount of women who end up pregnant after being with the man for five minutes and voila the situation is irreversible is astounding.

Everyone is entitled to not want to be a step parent. I didn’t want to be. But given you don’t even live together, it was monumentally stupid to get pregnant while resenting and wishing for your partner’s daughter to not be on the scene.

And once you have a baby of your own those feelings of hatred will only increase.

I don’t buy the “unplanned” line. Contraception really isn’t that unreliable. But it’s quite convenient to get pregnant in the early flushes of lust love and then realise that it was a bit of a stupid thing to do because now there’s no going back.

Businessflake · 22/03/2023 20:45

It’s not selfish at all

I disagree. Getting pregnant in this situation is pretty selfish in my view.

webster1987 · 22/03/2023 20:50

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it's highly likely that feeling will worsen once you have your baby. As a SM myself, who has a good relationship with my DSC, I was not prepared for how hard I would find the relationship when my own child arrived.

I wonder if you were hoping having a baby would bring you that family unit? If so, I fear it won't be as simple as that. I had feelings of resentment for my DH having had children before, when I never had that previously. I would urge you to really think about what you want and how you would plan to manage those feelings in the future

PrincessHoneysuckle · 22/03/2023 20:51

I felt like this.Met ex SD when she was 7 and never had any form of bond until she was 16 then I divorced ex H for other reasons.
Hated being a SM and I'm glad for her sake and mine that I got out in the end.

TheMatriarchy · 22/03/2023 23:01

All this nonsense about the ex is lies, she has no power like you are describing, she would be destroyed by cafcass or family court if she tried any of that on. Fathers have huge power in these situations now, shed be done for parental alienation and probably lose primary residence. Your partner is problem, sounds like he's playing divide and rule, and winning at it. Its telling they split just after his last child was born. He is manipulating you into this situation and deep down you know it, and you are projecting that onto his daughter because you cant face the truth about him.