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Original poster

Boyfriend over 4 hours with ex for mothers day

103 replies

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:10

I'm seeing a guy who has been separated from his ex for 7 months.

We weren't involved when they were together.

He's taken her and their adult children for mothers day lunch. I didn't ask how long they'd be but He's not messaged or been online for over 4 hours.

The plan was for us to do something together this afternoon but there was no time agreed.

I guess I'm feeling a little forgotten about and I'm not sure why he had to go to the lunch (He's not seen his own mum today).

Is he being reasonable here? How long would a lunch take?

OP posts:

EmilyGilmoresSass · 19/03/2023 17:17

How long have you been together? On the assumption its less than 7 months as you say you weren't together when they were involved, I don't think you've earned the right to huff that he went for a meal with his adult kids and their mother on Mother's Day. Maybe he wanted to say thanks for birthing and raising his children? Bit more important and frankly I find it odd you're so annoyed he hasn't contacted you for a mere 4 hours 🤔

LlynTegid · 19/03/2023 17:17

Lunch, a walk, a conversation with adult children, maybe a visit to one of their houses, easily over four hours.

Perhaps you should have planned nothing today with him. The adult children may not know much about the reason for the separation and for him to suddenly leave for anything else might be something he finds difficult.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 19/03/2023 17:18

Seven months is a very short time to be separated from someone he was with for decades (assuming as they have adult children).

They have a long shared history and he's probably really enjoying himself.

In your shoes I might not get too attached at this point.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems

Capricornone1 · 19/03/2023 17:20

Talk about over dramatic

StephanieSuperpowers · 19/03/2023 17:20

Unless you've broken your leg in a fall down the stairs and are stuck there till he can assist you, you're very unreasonable.

Original poster

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:22

I'm not annoyed he went on the lunch though. He spent his birthday with his wife and kids too.

I'm not annoyed he hasn't contacted me.

I am wondering if he is going to expect us to do something later or if something has happened. And if this is likely to continue or whether as they are separated for longer whether he will spend fewer special occasions with them.

We've been dating less than 4 months do as of now it's notbsomething I've got strong feelings about but it might not be something I'd be happy with long term.

The only thing I'm a bit annoyed about is he specifically said lunch and he'd see me this pm and the communication or confirmation of that plan hasn't been very forthcoming!

OP posts:

Gingerlygreen · 19/03/2023 17:25

It does seem odd to me that he'd choose lunch with his ex rather than his own Mum, my dh has a son from a previous marriage and wouldn't dream of taking his ex out. They get on fine but he just doesn't have the feelings towards her any more to make him want to sit and spend time other than discussing their son.

It seems like your partner hasn't cut the family ties, was it him who ended the relationship or his ex?

Original poster

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:25

I haven't broken my leg. I have though cut short my visit to my mum having expected him back after the lunch...it's not the end of the world. It's more that whilst he is usually good at keeping in touch on his birthday, Christmas and now today when with his ex and kids he loses track of time and I've been left waiting...

OP posts:

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 19/03/2023 17:27

He spent his birthday with his wife and kids?

Mother's day is one thing as of course she is the mother of his children. But why is he spending his birthday with her as well?

It's his prerogative of course but in your shoes I'd be questioning just how "separated" this man really is.

Original poster

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:28

Thank you @Gingerlygreen for getting to the heart of what's playing on my mind.

His wife ended it.

There's no talk of me meeting his kids or ex and nor would I expect that now. But I think I was imagining a 2 to 3 hour lunch....he left at 10.40 so it's been most of the day.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 19/03/2023 17:28

Why would he spend time with you today. He is with his family. Doesnt sound as if you've been together very long if he only split from his wife 7 months ago.

Bepis · 19/03/2023 17:29

Why does he even need to be there at all? The children are adults and it should be about them doing something for their mother. There is zero reason why your partner needed to celebrate Mother's Day with her.

Duckingella · 19/03/2023 17:30

His kids are adults: I don't see why he needs to be there at lunch with his ex.

I'd be considering if he's over his ex and if he's actually ready to move on.

Maybe he's not the right man for you.

Nugg · 19/03/2023 17:31

I agree with pp who said why is he there at all. His own mum yes, but I have adult children and play zero part in Father's Day for my exH.

Original poster

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:31

Thank you @GulfCoastBeachGirl

His birthday came just three weeks into us dating.

He said he wanted to see the kids and aa his wife offered to drive them to the city we live (30 minutes from their town) then he said it was rude not to ask her.

I didn't have a problem with this but he had said he'd call me and then fell asleep and forgot.

I'm not sure really why they split up as they seem to get on very well.

He was very much looking forward to today.

I also suspect there will be a family holiday in the summer.

I can't say I'm eaten up with jealousy but I'm wondering if I might be a place filler.

OP posts:

Blippie · 19/03/2023 17:31

He doesn't need to be there whatsoever, I would not be impressed. Even if the kids are young, it's still quite WTF.

He can buy a card and gift with them without actually being there. Doesn't he have his own mother to visit?

Like pp said, don't get attached. He has poor boundaries I think

toomuchlaundry · 19/03/2023 17:31

Very quick to get together with someone after a long relationship.

Puppers · 19/03/2023 17:35

This place is like another planet sometimes.

It's not unreasonable or demanding to find it unusual or even a bit upsetting that your boyfriend spends intimate special occasions (i.e. not larger extended family gatherings) with his ex wife. It would be entirely different if the kids were younger but you say they are adults. Although to be fair I'm assuming they are established adults, not 18 & 19 and living at home.

I think the lunch is a red herring though. The real issue is that you're newly dating someone who was mere weeks out of a decades long marriage with the mother of his children when you got together. He's probably not even started processing the enormous change to his life and to his children's lives. The fact he's still doing Mother's Day and birthdays with his family would clearly indicate that he hasn't mentally extracted himself from that family unit, and maybe he won't. Maybe they'll end up back together. I'd not be getting involved with this. I wouldn't want to get in the way if there's a chance for this family to reconcile and I wouldn't leave myself vulnerable to the heartache.

DeadButDelicious · 19/03/2023 17:35

She's the mother of his kids, I think it's nice that they are spending time together as a family, which they still are even if their relationship didn't work out, on Mother's Day. She will always be a part of his life so they might as well try and get on.

That said OP, given he spent his birthday with her and Christmas, you're expecting a family holiday to be announced and he doesn't get in touch when with them, just how sure are you about this relationship because I'm afraid I have to agree with what you said about being a space filler. Is that really what you want?

Cas112 · 19/03/2023 17:36

Doesn't sound that much broken up to me.. I would be very aware that they might make amends

If she broke it up with him and he is so desperate to spend time with her, he maybe trying to win her back 🤷🏽‍♀️

Blippie · 19/03/2023 17:36

I can't say I'm eaten up with jealousy but I'm wondering if I might be a place filler.

I would be very concerned about being used a rebound, OP

Gingerlygreen · 19/03/2023 17:37

Imagine it was a friend of yours who's partner was doing this, what would you think?
It's natural to want to excuse it when feelings are involved but he's chosen his ex over both you and his own Mum and there is no reason whatsoever for him to go on holiday with them.
If his children were still young then of course the dynamic would be different but they're adults.

I also think it's odd that his ex would want him there at all on Mother's Day too.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 19/03/2023 17:37

You expect a "family vacation" this summer?! Not trying to be rude, but is this whole post a joke?

Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction from this man.

Whataretheodds · 19/03/2023 17:40

I have though cut short my visit to my mum having expected him back after the lunch...

Why did you do that? It's mothers' day not boyfriends' day.

How long had you been going out when he had his birthday with them?

CombatBarbie · 19/03/2023 17:40

If you were talking younger children, the fact they are all adults is just plain weird.... Birthday, summer holiday.... Nope, I'd be bowing out of this one.

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