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Original poster

Boyfriend over 4 hours with ex for mothers day

103 replies

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:10

I'm seeing a guy who has been separated from his ex for 7 months.

We weren't involved when they were together.

He's taken her and their adult children for mothers day lunch. I didn't ask how long they'd be but He's not messaged or been online for over 4 hours.

The plan was for us to do something together this afternoon but there was no time agreed.

I guess I'm feeling a little forgotten about and I'm not sure why he had to go to the lunch (He's not seen his own mum today).

Is he being reasonable here? How long would a lunch take?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:42

Thanks everyone. This is just what I needed.

He knows his own mind. I don't have kids so when he said he was doing this I honestly didn't mind and sort of expected it.

It's now 20 to 6 and he's not been online. I won't text and interrupt their family time but will make my own plans for dinner.

I start a new job tomorrow so was hoping he'd drop by for a meal and handhold.

The kids are 24, 23 and 16 (so to be fair the youngest isn't an adult).

I think he probably would want her back and I imagine it is an expensive lunch and possibly I'm now wondering spa treatments or similar.

Everything I suggest (like a weekend away) he always says "yes but summer would be better"

He's said I'm the ideal person for him to grow old with but for some reason today I'm imaging me as his carer whilst special occasions are still with the family

OP posts:
MaidOfSteel · 19/03/2023 17:42

I'd be very wary, OP. Spending these occasions with his estranged wife sounds very odd to me; as if he hasn't let go of the family unit.

Some people coming out of very long relationships find it hard to be alone, and so they jump right into another. I think your use of the phrase 'place filler' might be spot on.

GoodChat · 19/03/2023 17:42

The Mother's Day meal in itself is actually really nice.
The birthday is understandable as she drove a mile round trip.
The family holiday and no mention of you to his family on top of these other things rings alarm bells.

Have you been to his home? What does he do for work?

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THisbackwithavengeance · 19/03/2023 17:48

You've had the usual snippy responses OP.

On MN, it is considered unreasonable to make any demands at all on your boyfriend if he has children of any age with an ex.

Once you've been together for about 5 years, people might concede that you've got a right to an opinion otherwise it's keep your mouth shut and have no expectations or make any demands.

In RL, I'd be pissed off if someone who I described as a boyfriend was spending days out with his ex wife.

Looks like this guy has got one foot in and one foot out.

Move on and find someone who can give you 100%.

BillyNoM8s · 19/03/2023 17:50

It's weird. I'm surprised so many people seem to think it's OK or indeed normal. If his kids were young, perhaps. But not adults.

Ordinarily he would be spending time with his own mother if anyone. Why on earth would he need to be present for his exes mother's day? :-/

"Family" holiday also a no. They aren't a family unit any more.

They don't sound very separated to me.

I'd bail before I got any more emotionally invested if I were you.

Original poster
Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:50

I've been to his home. It's very nice. He and his wife bought it together as a city pad (he is a high earner) but now he lives there alone. His wife doesn't visit the house. His kids do.

We haven't really talked about this as today is the first time I've thought...hold on...is thus quite normal?

They also spent her birthday together with the kids. Her picture on WhatsApp is a photo of her and the kids (including kids partners) that my boyfriend took.

The reason given for this was that the kids were all visiting on that day so if he didn't attend he wouldn't see them for a few weeks.

In other ways he is trying to get financial things sorted for the divorce.

I think he is in limbo.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 19/03/2023 17:52

Ok did they buy his home together to live in?

CombatBarbie · 19/03/2023 17:53

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:50

I've been to his home. It's very nice. He and his wife bought it together as a city pad (he is a high earner) but now he lives there alone. His wife doesn't visit the house. His kids do.

We haven't really talked about this as today is the first time I've thought...hold on...is thus quite normal?

They also spent her birthday together with the kids. Her picture on WhatsApp is a photo of her and the kids (including kids partners) that my boyfriend took.

The reason given for this was that the kids were all visiting on that day so if he didn't attend he wouldn't see them for a few weeks.

In other ways he is trying to get financial things sorted for the divorce.

I think he is in limbo.

In the kindest way, you don't discuss divorce/financial issues over lunch with your kids......

Original poster
Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:55

Thank you @THisbackwithavengeance

I was a bit bewildered at people saying I was unreasonable to resent him going

I don't resent him going but this lunch has now been about 8 hours....and I'm realising he has gain broken a promise to me as he's extended these family meal and drinking sessions

I appreciate we got together quite quickly (about 4 months after they separated) however they had previously separated and then briefly reconciled. I thought they had made a firm and final decision.

OP posts:
Janiebirdy · 19/03/2023 17:55

I think it’s very rude of him not to message you about today. You could’ve made other plans and enjoyed your time with your own mum. Has he ever talked about why they’ve split up? Maybe it’s time for a chat about what his plans are for the summer holidays? If he starts hedging and fudging then at least you’ll know you should be prioritising your time and plans.

Bepis · 19/03/2023 17:57

@BillyNoM8s I wouldn't even think it was normal if the kids were young.

Londontoderby · 19/03/2023 17:58

Does she even know about you? Does his kids?

Are you sure he isn’t trying to get back with her?

Original poster
Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:58

@GoodChat they bought it as a city pad to use on weekends whilst keeping the main much bigger family home in a smaller town. By the time they'd done it up they had split so she never stayed there.

I think he suspects that she was planning all along to end the marriage and pushed to get this other house sorted so he had somewhere to go.

She still lives in the big home. The mortgage on that is paid and she will keep living there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:59

@Londontoderby no they don't know about me. His friends do and his sister does.

OP posts:
SpaghettifingerFusillitoe · 19/03/2023 18:05

Unless his ex is his mum that’s quite a long time…

GoodChat · 19/03/2023 18:06

@Shoelacesundone it just all sounds a bit too entwined to me. I'd tell him to contact you when he's got the time and respect for a relationship. Sorry you're having your time wasted.

Original poster
Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 18:24

He's texted to say he's back and he'll be round at mine in 20 minutes....

I don't think this is going to go very well

OP posts:
Jellifulfruit · 19/03/2023 18:34

😬 lt us know how it goes

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 19/03/2023 18:37

I'm guilty of stereotyping here, but in my experience men 'of a certain age' coming out of a long marriage are total crap at being alone. They will do anything to fill the void, including jumping into relationships just to avoid loneliness. And this goes double if the separation/divorce wasn't initiated by them.

He may reconcile with his wife again or they may indeed go forward with divorce this time. Either way you could very well get hurt so be clear headed about this budding relationships real potential.

SchoolTripDrama · 19/03/2023 18:43

Why on earth has he gone to dinner with his ex? Their kids are adults! There's absolutely no reason nor need for them to have any further contact now.

Walk away OP. He's playing you

Ameadowwalk · 19/03/2023 18:45

He’s been married a long time, and he has only been separated for seven months. He got together with you three months - three months! - after breaking up from a long term marriage. Plus they have separated and got back together before - what makes you think this time is more final?

i think it’s way too soon for him to be committing to a relationship, I am afraid.

SchoolTripDrama · 19/03/2023 18:50

OP - If you see this before he arrives then my advice would be to tell him not to come round and to get in touch once his divorce is finalised. That's the only way this will work. Otherwise you'll never ever be able to relax. Not fully 💜

Justmuddlingalong · 19/03/2023 18:59

I feel sad that your DM's mother's day lunch was cut short so you could be ready to see him when he was done. You're changing plans to suit him and he's leaving you hanging. I'd end it and look for an emotionally available man.

AviMav · 19/03/2023 19:02

Oh Dear. How do you know each other OP? Aside from today.... how often do you meet up?

blackbeardsballsack · 19/03/2023 19:03

I honestly would have told him not to come round, and then wouldn't have seen him again. There is nothing to salvage.