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Boyfriend over 4 hours with ex for mothers day

103 replies

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:10

I'm seeing a guy who has been separated from his ex for 7 months.

We weren't involved when they were together.

He's taken her and their adult children for mothers day lunch. I didn't ask how long they'd be but He's not messaged or been online for over 4 hours.

The plan was for us to do something together this afternoon but there was no time agreed.

I guess I'm feeling a little forgotten about and I'm not sure why he had to go to the lunch (He's not seen his own mum today).

Is he being reasonable here? How long would a lunch take?

OP posts:
Xarrie · 19/03/2023 19:03

He sounds like a prick

WandaWonder · 19/03/2023 19:03

Why does he need to contact you? Can you not go without daily contact

Not sure why you would cut your own lunch short

Isthisexpected · 19/03/2023 19:06

It sounds like he's hoping they'll get back together and you're a lovely distraction from the pain of their separation in the meantime. I'm sure it's conscious, but you're being used.

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Isthisexpected · 19/03/2023 19:06

Not conscious I meant!

Iloveenidblyton · 19/03/2023 19:20

I’d dump him OP
He's showing no respect for you and it very much sounds like he’s hoping to get back with her.
You’re just better than nothing at the moment.
Its a bit odd spending Mother’s Day with his ex. Why not with his own mum ?
His adult children would surely have made arrangements to do something with their mum? Why does he need to be there ?

Of course that’s up to him but I’d be questioning whether their relationship is really over.

blackbeardsballsack · 19/03/2023 19:24

WandaWonder · 19/03/2023 19:03

Why does he need to contact you? Can you not go without daily contact

Not sure why you would cut your own lunch short

Because they were planning to do something together earlier today, did you not read the OP's posts?

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 19:26

So he has broken up with me!!!

@SchoolTripDrama I saw your good advice too late.

He is adamant he is not getting back together with his wife.

He says his daughter picked up that he was seeing someone (I have never left anything at his house. I take empty wine bottles and food packaging away with me and we go to low key places where unlikely to see any of his wife's friends we have been really careful about it and I didn't want it to be a secret but given he did I tried my best).

His wife explained this is upsetting the daughter. The daughter is already angry at her mum for initiating the break up. He says his daughter doesn't deserve this stress and it's unfair on her and it's selfish of him to put her through this when she is still reeling from the family breaking up and she is his priority and he makes no apologies for that (I have never asked to be put above his daughter!!)

He has asked we wait til his divorce comes through in the summer.

How that will make it easier I don't understand. He seems to think everything will be easy then....how???? I'm not trying to be thick but I don't see what difference that makes??

He was very calm as he said this. He was quite pleasant. He seemed to have no idea I'd be so upset (I cried).

He didn't seem to think it was a big deal at all. And I suppose ending a 12 week relationship isn't really compared to his marriage ending.

I feel shitty.

He said service at lunch was slow and then he dropped them all off and then his wife spoke to him so that was why he was so long but I guess that doesn't matter now.

I feel so, so upset. I didn't think I was this emotionally invested. Kidding myself. This just felt a relaxed and adult relationship now I feel I'm being treated like some mistress. And yes I know he is married still but lives separately, all his friends know, divorce in progress etc etc

Have opened wine.

Am I just horribly selfish??? I mean of course I don't want his daughter upset.

OP posts:
Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 19:29

@Iloveenidblyton the thing that comes up is their family home is in a rural area so someone needs to drive and boyfriend *I mean ex!!! does this so his sons and wife can drink

Also tonight he said that youngest (just 16) deserves the same family memories as her older brothers....I feel I'm just too selfish

OP posts:
Starco · 19/03/2023 19:30

I think he's carrying on playing happy families. Maybe he's doing it for the kids, but doesn't sound like he's got new boundaries in place after she ended their relationship.

And my ex couldn't even manage a card 😂

GoodChat · 19/03/2023 19:31

He's done the right thing, really, in ending it. None of this is fair on you. Don't wait for him until the summer, though.

Maybe he thinks his daughter will accept their marriage is actually over once they're legally divorced.

WuTangGran · 19/03/2023 19:31

He’s made it clear that you aren’t his priority. The whole daughter things sounds like a convenient excuse to avoid him taking responsibility for his action to end things with you. He’s probably trying to get back with his wife.

Isthisexpected · 19/03/2023 19:33

He's done the right thing, really, in ending it. None of this is fair on you. Don't wait for him until the summer, though.

^ I agree. He's not in a good place and neither are his kids. Leave him to figure out their future and move on. A divorce certainly finalises things and helps you process feelings in a more final way than separation so he's not wrong that things could look very different come summer.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 19/03/2023 19:33

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, OP.

Up to you, but I wouldn't "wait" for anything and he's an ass to even suggest that.

He has shown you who he is (a middle aged man who can't be alone for 5 minutes) so act accordingly. My advice would be to just move on. He isn't ready for a relationship.

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 19:37

Yes...like I've always liked the idea of all his kids. I hoped to meet his daughter one day but much much later and flowing what she wanted.

Now a bit of me feels really pissed off with her....totally unjustified but as you say its because essentially he's put this on her and his wife

Apparently he never wanted to date til his divorce came through. He said this tonight has NEVER said that before.

I'm not sure he would get back with his wife...I think the two break ups really destroyed him and he doesn't want to go through that again

I told him by summer I wouldn't be interested. I'm afraid I wasn't very understanding.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 19/03/2023 19:38

He had absolutely no business entering into a relationship so quickly after the end of his marriage.

He’s right he needs to finalise the divorce before even thinking about that.

But I would not wait for him. He has shown no emotional intelligence or empathy towards you or his DC. He is not coming across as a decent man at all.

Lick your wounds, learn from this and move on. And avoid separated men in the future.
At least you haven’t wasted to much time on him

LunaTheCat · 19/03/2023 19:44

OP I am sorry. Drink your wine and have a cry!
This man is using you… he is not nice, he shows little thought for you.
You are better without him. Don’t wait for him.. find a better life.

Bepis · 19/03/2023 19:53

@Shoelacesundone I'm so sorry OP. The way he has broken up with you - the same happened to me, even things he said to you. I can explain what is happening here but I really don't want to upset you any further than you already are.

Regards waiting until his divorce is final - you are worth more than waiting around for someone. I promise you that you will meet someone way better and then you will be thankful you never ended up with this man.

Starco · 19/03/2023 19:54

Oh man, just saw your response.

You deserve better than 1) being a secret 2) being a rebound 3) a relationship with a man who is still playing happy families on his wife's birthday (did I get that right?) 4) a man who is emotionally unavailable.

It'll hurt for a bit but you will recover from this 12 week situationship. He'll also crawl back at some point, so just block him if that's what it takes for you not to respond.

Littlepaws18 · 19/03/2023 19:54

I'm so sorry the weekend ended this way for you, especially when you are starting a new job tomorrow.

I was in a similar position to you, got involved with a man who had separated too recently. He chased and chased me and it was all very whirlwind. But when the dust settled, I realised how invested he was in his previous life and how his older children (in their late 20s) were completely against us. And with hindsight probably rightly so. It was all just too soon. So one day with no prior warning he upped and left. I was having major surgery a week later. I was absolutely devastated.

But in the long run it was the best decision. I don't know what happened to him as I blocked him completely from my life, but the next man I met ended up being my husband, my bestbud!

He is still so invested emotionally and physically in his family, he has no boundaries with his ex, he still sees the family unit as complete. You don't have a role in that life and I guarantee you won't by the end of summer.

Focus on tomorrow, don't think of him until you get home, collapse in a bubble bath with lots of chocolate and ice cream and keep doing that until it gets better xx

sendbackaletterfromamerica · 19/03/2023 19:56

He jumped in far too fast and now can't cope. You absolutely don't need this and can't sort it as he has to go through the process of detaching from her and it takes a very long time. It would not be nice to be with someone before this process has taken place. So sorry you're having this upset.

7eleven · 19/03/2023 19:56

Oh lovey. Never mind. He’s not the one for you. Good luck with your new job. Is it something exciting?

FairFuming · 19/03/2023 19:59

What a selfish twat. He could have text to tell you he was going to be late. He could have waited until it wasn't mother's day and the night before you start a new job to end things. And to expect you to wait for him... as they say be greayful he's shown you who he really is. I hope you are ok. Please remember you deserve so much more then this.

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 20:05

You're all so lovely 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

The new job is a good one....

Sorry @Bepis and@Littlepaws18 for what you've been through. None of my friends or I have been in this situation before and have struggled to get a grip on it.

In hindsight it does sound stupid to have expected him to detach...I guess his age and demeanour gave the impression of someone quite sorted emotionally.

I really think I might block him. I just can't bear the idea of waiting for summer and then being disappointed. I really think I need to make clear for my own sake that other people don't work like that. His priorities are elsewhere and that's fair enough but then mine need to be to.

Ordered a Chinese takeaway x

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 19/03/2023 20:08

Wow you deserve way better than sneaking off with empty bottles and rubbish bags so that his adult DD doesn't suspect you've been there. Fuck all that for a laugh OP, he's done you a favour mate Flowers

Bepis · 19/03/2023 20:10

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 20:05

You're all so lovely 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

The new job is a good one....

Sorry @Bepis and@Littlepaws18 for what you've been through. None of my friends or I have been in this situation before and have struggled to get a grip on it.

In hindsight it does sound stupid to have expected him to detach...I guess his age and demeanour gave the impression of someone quite sorted emotionally.

I really think I might block him. I just can't bear the idea of waiting for summer and then being disappointed. I really think I need to make clear for my own sake that other people don't work like that. His priorities are elsewhere and that's fair enough but then mine need to be to.

Ordered a Chinese takeaway x

You can't beat a takeaway when you feel down.

Get in some cosy pyjamas and put your favourite program on TV while eating your food 😊