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Original poster

Boyfriend over 4 hours with ex for mothers day

103 replies

Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 17:10

I'm seeing a guy who has been separated from his ex for 7 months.

We weren't involved when they were together.

He's taken her and their adult children for mothers day lunch. I didn't ask how long they'd be but He's not messaged or been online for over 4 hours.

The plan was for us to do something together this afternoon but there was no time agreed.

I guess I'm feeling a little forgotten about and I'm not sure why he had to go to the lunch (He's not seen his own mum today).

Is he being reasonable here? How long would a lunch take?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 19/03/2023 20:10

Enjoy the takeaway!

Yes I would block him too. Did he even ask how you felt about waiting or express any remorse for his lack of judgement? He’s not the catch he seems to think he is.

Best wishes for the new job

blackbeardsballsack · 19/03/2023 20:11

The way that he has gone about everything is horrid and dickish. The arrogance of him, assuming that you'll sit waiting for him to beckon you over in a few months.

Sarahcoggles · 19/03/2023 20:11

It sounds to me as if he's not over the split with his wife, as he never wanted it in the first place. She's probably in that situation where you break up with someone because you don't want them, but then you feel unsettled when they meet someone else. So it wouldn't surprise me if she was exaggerating the 16 year old's upset, when in fact it's her who wants him to stay single, so she has him as a back-up option.

Bottom line is it was too soon after the break up, and you're the unlucky casualty of their break up process.

I don't usually block people but in this situation I think I would. He's been really unfair on you, by not sorting his emotions out before inflicting himself on a new person.

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Original poster
Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 20:27

My friend recommended a good show so will put that on with Chinese.

He didn't even ASK me to wait he mentioned this bar that is very public and also famed for its outdoor area (we started dating end of November and haven't been)

He said "we will go there and we'll talk and you'll see what I'm really like and we can forget all this"

I'll see how I feel after Chinese but think I'll text to say no hard feelings but summer is something I want to look forward to and will be making my own plans. I actually have a hobby you can onky really do in the summer. He doesn't share it. So I could make some plans.

I also didn't mention before that he and ex wife still share dogs so there are two trips a week to see her purely to collect or drop off dogs.

Not to mention all the texts over dogs, adult children etc etc

He is ALWAYS on his phone to her but when with family phone is off because "she hates me being distracted"

I've been pretty dense

OP posts:
7eleven · 19/03/2023 20:42

Enjoy the takeaway, block him and forget him. Onwards and upwards darling. Amazing that you know you’re worth more than this.

Janiebirdy · 19/03/2023 20:58

He has asked we wait til his divorce comes through in the summer.

How that will make it easier I don't understand. He seems to think everything will be easy then....how???? I'm not trying to be thick but I don't see what difference that makes??

He was very calm as he said this. He was quite pleasant. He seemed to have no idea I'd be so upset (I cried).

He didn't seem to think it was a big deal at all.

I’m sorry OP, it’s hard being on the end of this.

As hard as it is now, he’s done you a big favour. Why on earth should you have to keep waiting around for him?? And no, you’re not being thick about querying if waiting 6 months will make it easier. If he’s being honest about the effect on his daughter then another 6 months won’t make a big difference - she’ll be resentful for a long time. How could his daughter have found out he’s seeing you if you’ve left no traces?

Maybe he’s been selfish and inconsiderate because he’s readjusting to a big life change? Or maybe he’s like this anyway and your time and priorities will always be less important to him?

CheeseFiend40 · 19/03/2023 20:59

I wouldn’t even bother texting him ‘no hard feelings’ etc. He’s shown quite clearly that you’re not a priority to him, harsh as that seems, you need to realise this and just move on. If he really had strong feelings for you and thought you were someone he could grow old with he wouldn’t have dropped you at the first hurdle.

The best advice I ever heard was “Don’t let a man have to tell you twice that he doesn’t want you”

You deserve so much better x

crosstalk · 19/03/2023 21:01

IMHO OP you have read the room yourself. For anyone with a family going back so much time, it's difficult to adapt and work out what the DH and his wife need to do - and very hard for anyone to meet up continually with a partner of so many years and their children and realize what they are losing. Especially if those partners enjoy their children's company. You can hang on in there and timetable yourself to his comfort and wants while neglecting your own needs, or just ask him what he thinks he's doing.

Ameadowwalk · 19/03/2023 21:02

What? He basically said to you to wait to the summer to date him? That’s a bit arrogant.
So glad you have a hobby you can plan instead of waiting for him.
All the best with the new job tomorrow. Onwards and upwards.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 19/03/2023 21:03

aww it’s a shame that you prioritised him on Mother’s Day and not your Mum.

Original poster
Shoelacesundone · 19/03/2023 21:17

Yes this from @Janiebirdy has been the dilemma:

Maybe he’s been selfish and inconsiderate because he’s readjusting to a big life change? Or maybe he’s like this anyway and your time and priorities will always be less important to him?

His family was his world. I get that he's going to take time to adjust but he puts such a low value on me. I think because I'm the first person he met he thinks all single women will be this great. I'm not the best woman in the world but there are unique things about me which are good. I don't think he even cared. I was just a way to distract himself.

We can never now have a good relationship because the pattern has been set that his needs and priorities always come first.

I winced at what @CheeseFiend40 said about a man telling you twice he doesn't want you.

I won't be in touch. What on earth is there to say?

And I feel very confident he won't be in touch in summer....he'll want someone new who hasn't seen the idiotic mess he's been these last 4 months.

Didn't even wish me luck with the new job tomorrow. I think he completely forgot.

OP posts:
nationallampoons · 19/03/2023 21:20

Walk away. You're a rebound, I'm sorry. It'll never work

Somanysocks · 19/03/2023 21:22

Ah Op love, forget him (easy to say I know), and find someone nearer your own age without so much baggage.

You are worth more than the crumbs.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 19/03/2023 21:59

The 16yr old was probably not distraught. More likely the ex prefers him to remain unattached while she weighs up her options.

She binned him, he wasn't good enough, she deserves better etc....then he bowls up having found someone to date within 3mths. That's not the plan. He's supposed to be at her beck and call, constantly trying to win her back. He's spent the afternoon dealing with her and her shocked/bruised ego.

He'd go back to his comfortable easy life tomorrow I imagine. Not because of apparently "different in comparison memories" DD, for him.

Tbh you've dodged a massive bullet. They are both using their DD as a guise to play things how they want too.

7eleven · 19/03/2023 22:03

TwinsAndTiramisu · 19/03/2023 21:59

The 16yr old was probably not distraught. More likely the ex prefers him to remain unattached while she weighs up her options.

She binned him, he wasn't good enough, she deserves better etc....then he bowls up having found someone to date within 3mths. That's not the plan. He's supposed to be at her beck and call, constantly trying to win her back. He's spent the afternoon dealing with her and her shocked/bruised ego.

He'd go back to his comfortable easy life tomorrow I imagine. Not because of apparently "different in comparison memories" DD, for him.

Tbh you've dodged a massive bullet. They are both using their DD as a guise to play things how they want too.

Really good summary.

blackbeardsballsack · 19/03/2023 22:21

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 19/03/2023 21:03

aww it’s a shame that you prioritised him on Mother’s Day and not your Mum.

Such an unnecessary, bitchy comment

Justmuddlingalong · 19/03/2023 22:40

He's still trying to keep you hanging, with his "wait till the summer/divorce" shit.
What a selfish, thoughtless eejit he is.
I know it's hard being upset when you've had hopes of meeting someone decent, but he isn't the one, it was never going to be about you and you deserve so much better.
There's someone out there for you and when you find him, you'll be glad you're shot of this dumpling.
Onwards and upwards. 💐🍷🥡

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2023 23:33

Didn't even wish me luck with the new job tomorrow. I think he completely forgot.

Well we're all wishing you well. You'll kill it and it will be a great distraction from Ploopy McShittyFace. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. I hope his next shit is a hedgehog.

SchoolTripDrama · 19/03/2023 23:36

How crap of him to do this the night before you start your new job - wow!!!

Text him and say "Nah, I'm not waiting mate. You've made your choice. Your loss!"

Iloveenidblyton · 20/03/2023 00:02

I’m sorry this has ended like this for you OP but he is the selfish one here, not you.
He entered into a new relationship before he was ready because he couldn’t be alone. He basically used you.

Think of this as a blessing in disguise.

Definitely don’t wait for him, just block him and move on.

7eleven · 21/03/2023 09:58

How’s the new job going, OP?

Nugg · 21/03/2023 12:35

Are you 100% sure they ever split up? Only asking as this has happened to me, very similar situation. They had never split up and are still married, a few years later.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 21/03/2023 12:48

OP I'm sorry you got caught up in his mess. His wife still calling the shots even though she ended things is a strange one. Did he tell you why she ended it ?

Walk away. Find someone with no baggage and be happy

GoldenCupidon · 21/03/2023 13:07

Hope the new job start went well. I was also used like this by a man on the rebound, they ended up getting back together (if indeed they had ever fully split up, I have since had the rather obvious realisation that people can live in separate places and still be together) and suddenly I was a problem.

It's not your fault OP you went into this with a good heart and looking for an ordinary decent relationship. You may feel grubby but turn that into anger - you're worth so much more!!! I'll never date a separated man again.

Original poster
Shoelacesundone · 21/03/2023 17:42

Thanks the new job has been great and really boosted my self esteem. I've not been half as upset as I thought and planning a nice weekend away in a hotel as a treat!

I am sure they've split up. Too much he's said about divorce fine details (pensions!) And his embarrassment about telling work colleagues for it not to be the case.

Still think they could reconcile and suspect he'd always choose being on the periphery of that family life over a new relationship. Certainly right now. And he's weirdly focused on being the perfect ex husband if that makes sense.

He's not been in touch. I've not been in touch. I can see for him our relationship never had the sense of realness that his marriage did and he's too busy mourning that and trying to make amends to move on.

I do wonder what his stbx wife is playing at though. She's there in the big house, with him at beck and call and they're both on a joint account that he only pays into as she hasn't worked in 24 years (outside of raising the kids and running the entire household...not judging just saying she's going to walk away very financially secure with him still wrapped round her finger...not a bad outcome though of course I don't know what he may have put her through). She certainly (if he was telling the truth) has put him off seeing anyone else.....

So glad you all agreed waiting til summer was not an option....would have been miserable and nerve wracking and I'm sure have ended in disappointment.

Haven't blocked or deleted him...changing his name to something specifically rude about his looks and personality was much more satisfying

OP posts: