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Original poster

What would you except in return for doing a wedding cake as a gift? / AIBU?

171 replies

weddingcakery · 17/03/2023 14:41

A family member got married in December. I offered to make the cake to save them a lot of money. I'm not a professional baker but am pretty good when it comes to cakes. The cake looked and tasted ace Grin

I just wondered if IWBU to expect a thank you in the wedding speeches and/or a thank you card afterwards?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 19/03/2023 20:11

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/03/2023 19:32

Because, as others have said, the effort that goes into acknowledging a gift should be proportionate to the time and effort people have spent attempting to please you.

If you really can't be bothered to send a note of thanks, why not stop accepting gifts and hospitality?

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But if you expect a certain level of thanks why offer in the first place? I just mean in general

UWhatNow · 19/03/2023 20:18

NortieTortie · 18/03/2023 22:37

To all the people saying it's really rude to not send a thank you note, could you explain what it adds that a verbal, or texted, thank you doesn't?

They can keep it as a momento of the day and a special memory. It takes more effort (too much, clearly for some people 🙄) so it’s more heartfelt and sincere. It is a more formal public affirmation than a half-arsed text.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/03/2023 20:23

WandaWonder · 19/03/2023 20:11

But if you expect a certain level of thanks why offer in the first place? I just mean in general

Show quote history

The thanks aren't a perfunctory receipt for merchandise rendered. They are the next interaction in a presumably interactive, reciprocal relationship. Social relationships require ongoing two-way communication to thrive.

Why wouldn't you want eagerly WANT to thank a friend or family member who has done one a good turn? If it's a dreaded chore, maybe rethink the relationship.

And if pulling out a note card and writing a cheery little letter to a friend, that as pp said they can keep as a memento, is too much trouble, why would you happily accept a gift someone has gone to the trouble and expense to provide you?

I have a desk drawer full of notes received over the years; they are pleasant reminders of my friends and family members and the occasions we have shared.

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NortieTortie · 19/03/2023 21:47

UWhatNow · 19/03/2023 20:18

They can keep it as a momento of the day and a special memory. It takes more effort (too much, clearly for some people 🙄) so it’s more heartfelt and sincere. It is a more formal public affirmation than a half-arsed text.

Show quote history

I'd be completely bemused to receive one and it'd go straight in the recycling so the effort does seem a bit much, yeah.

Much rather a 'heartfelt and sincere' verbal thank you at the time of exchange rather than thank you card #123 posted several weeks/months after the event.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/03/2023 21:54

Lovelyring · 17/03/2023 15:18

Absolutely, I think it's incredibly lazy and rude not to.

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I agree,I can't believe anyone would text!!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/03/2023 22:04

I did my friend's flowers and was thanked in the speeches and given a card with a voucher for afternoon tea. I wasn't expecting that at all,it was a lovely surprise.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/03/2023 22:08

It's incredible how stunted some people have become, that having a little stash of stationery, a few stamps and a functional writing instrument is too much trouble.

newtowelsplease · 19/03/2023 22:17

NortieTortie · 17/03/2023 15:13

People really send out thank you cards for every gift they receive at their wedding? That seems like an awful waste of paper when a verbal thank you (or text if opened later) works just fine.

I would've thanked a cake maker in the speech though.

Wow. Yes people really do thank people properly for going to the hassle and expense of sending a gift on top of attending their wedding. It's an awful waste of money.

saraclara · 19/03/2023 22:39

NortieTortie · 18/03/2023 22:37

To all the people saying it's really rude to not send a thank you note, could you explain what it adds that a verbal, or texted, thank you doesn't?

Did too/would you text wedding invitations? If not, why not?

Proudofitbabe · 19/03/2023 23:00

Various people contributed to our wedding day, and all were left a token gift at their seat and a quick mention in the speeches which probably added 20 seconds overall!

Disappointing from your friends. You made their wedding cake, not a nice cup of tea! It absolutely warranted a more formal show of thanks.

Lovelyring · 19/03/2023 23:32

NortieTortie · 19/03/2023 21:47

I'd be completely bemused to receive one and it'd go straight in the recycling so the effort does seem a bit much, yeah.

Much rather a 'heartfelt and sincere' verbal thank you at the time of exchange rather than thank you card #123 posted several weeks/months after the event.

Show quote history

But most people don't take the physical gift to the wedding anymore, nor open it in front of the giver. So how could you verbally thank them immediately? All the gifts I've sent have been delivered after the wedding care of John Lewis or equivalent!

I put loads of effort into my thank yous - they weren't just "Dear X, thanks for the toaster, love Y." They were proper letters talking about how we'd used the gift, memories from the wedding and thanking them for coming, a bit of news post-wedding etc.

aSofaNearYou · 19/03/2023 23:35

*I think a gushing Thankyou in person should really be enough, I don't see why it needs a second layer of thanking.

Because, as others have said, the effort that goes into acknowledging a gift should be proportionate to the time and effort people have spent attempting to please you.

If you really can't be bothered to send a note of thanks, why not stop accepting gifts and hospitality?*

It's not that I resent the expectation for that level of gratitude, it's simply that in my social sphere this has never been a done thing so I wouldn't have ever thought that somebody would be expecting it. It's worth knowing that this is no longer a universally enough embedded social norm for everyone to anticipate it. No malice is meant.

MegaManic · 19/03/2023 23:59

It must have cost you quite a lot in ingredients aswell as the time.
I think the minimum you should expect is a card and a bottle of wine. If it was me I would probably give a voucher for £50 or £100.

NortieTortie · 20/03/2023 07:15

saraclara · 19/03/2023 22:39

Did too/would you text wedding invitations? If not, why not?

Show quote history

No because I invited them in person

CantFindTheBeat · 20/03/2023 07:31

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/03/2023 22:04

I did my friend's flowers and was thanked in the speeches and given a card with a voucher for afternoon tea. I wasn't expecting that at all,it was a lovely surprise.

This sounds perfect.

Very much along the lines of what OP should have received for doing the cake.

madamecake · 20/03/2023 07:34

I’m a professional wedding cake designer, some cakes can take most of a week to make, which is far more time and effort than selecting something from a department store.

When I’ve gifted cakes in the past I’ve had a thank you in the speech, been given flowers and at another was mentioned on the menu cards the couple had printed (underneath the courses they’d added the wedding cake flavours and “made by the talented Madamecake”.

To be honest unless it’s immediate family now I longer gift cakes, the time and costs are too much (and I’m too busy creating customers cakes quite often which I’d what pays the bills!)

SheilaFentiman · 20/03/2023 08:24

for family reasons, various folks waived their fees for our wedding (organist etc). We gave those people a little gift. I think you merited a bottle of wine at least, OP!

junebirthdaygirl · 20/03/2023 08:25

This may have been already said but l have received a lot of thank you cards around the first anniversary so maybe it will happen yet. I definitely would not have got a card by now for a December wedding.
But yes l do like to get a card especially as here in lreland people give very generous gifts so not to be acknowledged would be very rude.

SiobhanSharpe · 12/05/2023 12:22

I made a wedding cake for friends, it looked wonderful and tasted divine (if I do say so myself)
I was fulsomely thanked by both the groom and father of the bride in their speeches. I was very touched.
I also received lovely compliments both on the day and in the next few days. I think if members of the wedding party either mention who made the cake or tell people directly then guests may well come up and compliment the baker during the reception.

MarciaLew · 30/08/2023 17:27

RosaBonheur · 17/03/2023 17:00

Yes, most people we know have done. The wedding invitations, thank you cards and birth announcement cards that usually follow within the next couple of years are all on our fridge, making up a lovely tapestry of our friends' lives. I never throw them away.

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Yeah I myself like to keep handmade and heartfelt gifts. I can give some expensive gift and add something creative from myself. Kind of I don't know how to cook, but I can order a custom-made cake and ask for specific wishes or pictures on it (I take pictures for a sample on a special website, the wishes I come up with myself), or order a lot of flowers and a bunch of festive balloons

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